Loving a Little Heart

by Breanna Hayse

  "Do you have children?"

  "I'm pregnant with twins. I just can't imagine how much you are hurting right now," she admitted.

  "It's funny, in a sad way, but people are tiptoeing around me. They're afraid to say anything or ask questions. I just jogged around the neighborhood to try to calm my nerves, and everyone is avoiding me. It makes me feel like I did something wrong or caused this whole horrible thing."

  "My entire family is involved in Search and Rescue. They tell me that a lot of people are terrified of death and don't know what to say or how to act, so they take the comfortable route and stick their heads in the sand or disappear. I'll be honest; I almost left because I was afraid I would offend you by showing up here."

  "I'm glad you came. This means the world to me." He turned the toy slowly in his hands.

  "Do you have any family or friends?" she asked.

  "Yeah. Everyone is on their way down from up north, plus I have a bunch of colleagues from work. I'm a high school math teacher." He looked absently at the wall. "All these years of teaching other people's children, and I never had the chance to teach my own son. Ironic, isn't it?"

  "Is there anything I can do for you?"

  Tears streamed from the man's eyes. "Bring him back to me."

  Baylor touched his hand. "Believe me, if I could do that, I certainly would."

  "Then promise me this." He tapped the ring on her left hand. "Honor this vow with your life. Don't ever leave the house angry, and don't use vodka to numb your pain. It doesn't work."

  "I promise," she said quietly.

  "I made a lot of mistakes. Ones that I can't take back. I always bitched and moaned about the midnight feedings and having no sleep. Now I would give anything to hear him cry again. I didn't stand up to her when I should have, and allowed my fear of losing him to divorce and a custody battle prevent me from protecting him like I should have," the man admitted.

  "I'm sure you had the best intentions for him."

  "Having the best intentions did not save him from the person who only cared about herself. Don't make the same mistakes I did. Guard those babies with every breath you have. Protect them, even if it means facing your own fears and anger. Don't let anyone tell you differently, and don't ever take anything for granted. It can be over before you know it, and you will find yourself wishing to be woken up at three in the morning again."

  "You have my word."

  "Does your family know that you came out here alone to meet a grieving stranger?"

  "My fiancé is a cop. He was on the scene last night and gave me the information. He also sends his deepest condolences." It was a partial truth, but the man didn't need to know that she'd snuck out to perform this task.

  "I wanted to be certain, because coming alone to see a total stranger like this is not one of the safest moves. You are carrying precious cargo, and need to watch out for them. And please thank your fiancé for me from the bottom of my heart."

  "I will," Baylor said.

  "I don't mean to be rude, but I need to lie down for a bit." The toy was clutched in his left hand and she could see him fighting back more tears.

  "Of course. I totally understand. Take care of yourself, okay?" She gave him a quick hug and left the house, her mind muddled with thoughts and emotions. Images of the accident scene and a replay of the discussion that she'd had with the poor man occupied her concentration during the drive home. She was in a mental limbo, therefore, and not paying attention to the traffic when she collided into the rear bumper of a large truck.

  "Fuck!" she shouted. She began to shake once she realized that she was uninjured, and called 911 and then home. "Shit! Jake? Hi honey, I'm sorry to wake you. I was in a little accident. I'm okay, but the car is totaled."

  In Jake's mind, there was no such thing as a little accident. Minutes later, the CHP was at the scene to assess the damage, and he was still giving her an earful, making his opinion strongly known.

  "I have to go. I need to fill out an accident report," she said.

  "You will stay on this phone until I get there," Jake said to her. "I have you on speaker in my car."

  "But they have questions."

  "Tell them I'm on my way. I should be there in about ten minutes. Start taking pictures of the damage."

  Baylor rolled her eyes and hooked her phone to her shirt as she obeyed. The truck driver went from calling her names, to complaining about neck and back pain to the officers. Jake arrived while she was in the process of showing the officer the pictures of the man climbing in and out of his big rig, crouching on the ground to look under the vehicle, and reaching for his insurance information.

  "Are you okay?" he asked, embracing her.

  "I'm fine, but that scumbag is pissing me off. He's faking an injury. I have all his motion on film."

  "Hey Jake," one of the officers said, extending his hand. "There is no damage to the rig, and it looks like your little lady's car took the brunt of the impact."

  "What happened?" Jake asked.

  "She struck him from behind; however, his brake lights are not functioning. Witnesses said that he had been changing lanes without signaling for several miles. He also tried to claim an injury, but reneged once he realized he had been photographed," the officer said.

  "Make sure he signs a statement, please, including refusal of an ambulance."

  "Already did. Here's a copy of the report for your insurance." The CHP handed Baylor a piece of paper.

  Jake turned to her once the officer had left. "Are you okay?"

  "I spaced out. I'm sorry, I had a lot on my mind," she said.

  "Accidents happen, baby. I'm just glad you're safe. Let's get this heap towed and I'll take you home."

  "You aren't angry?"

  "No. Should I be? Whoa, did you just stumble?" Jake asked, catching her arm. "When was the last time you ate something?"

  "When we had breakfast this morning."

  "Baylor Anne! That was almost nine hours ago! Now I am angry, by the way. You can't go without food for more than a couple of hours. You know this."

  "There was something I needed to take care of, and there were no places to stop that looked appealing. It was important, and—"

  "The only thing that's important is you and the babies. Nothing more. Did you tell the dispatcher that you were pregnant?" Jake asked.

  "No. It wasn't necessary that he know."

  "I'll be the judge of that. Where did he send you?"

  "To the accident site from last evening," Baylor said quietly.

  "Alone?"

  "Just to take some pictures of the terrain."

  "I see. And do you realize that your mishap here occurred in the opposite direction?"

  "Yes," Baylor said quietly. "I went down to Victorville."

  "Victorville? You have some explaining to do. Let's finish this conversation in the car. They will take care of the tow," Jake announced, picking up her camera equipment and bags and placing them in his back seat. He buckled her in and then went around to the driver's side, pausing to speak in hushed tones to his fellow patrolman before sliding into the seat next to her. "Okay, little girl, I want to know everything that you are deliberately hiding from me. Leave nothing out."

  "Promise me that you won't get mad."

  "You know I can't make that promise. Out with it."

  Hanging her head, Baylor shared every detail of her day. The finding of the toy, the horrible thoughts that had corrupted her mind, the shameful expectation of poverty because of her own bias, and finally what the poor man had made her promise. Jake remained tersely silent as he listened to her story, saying nothing until they pulled into their driveway. He parked the car and stared at the garage door for a moment.

  "Baylor? I could not be more proud of you than I am right now." He turned to look at her stunned expression. "You are one incredible woman, and I am honored to be part of your life."

  "Really?" she stuttered. "You're not pissed?"

  "No. Just promise me that the next
time you decide to check on someone, bring one of us with you. Better safe than sorry."

  "I promise," she whispered.

  "When we get inside, go upstairs and get dressed in something nice. You and I are going on a date."

  "Just the two of us?"

  "Yes. I'm taking you out to a nice dinner. In fact, pack a bag. I am going to steal you away for the night."

  "We've never done that before. Will Hayden be okay with it?" she asked.

  "If not, he'll get over it. I don't need his permission to take you out."

  "I was just thinking of being considerate, that's all."

  "I know. I love you," Jake said.

  "I love you, too. And thank you for understanding."

  When they got inside, Jake briefly shared what had occurred with the others, and then sent Baylor up to shower and change. When she emerged, Hayden gleefully pointed out that he had packed her overnight bag with toys 'just in case', proclaimed his immense pride in her, and sent her and Jake on their way with his blessings. He rapidly pushed them out the door and immediately returned inside after a quick wave goodbye.

  "That was weird," Baylor commented with a frown.

  "What was, baby?" Jake asked, pulling the car out of the driveway.

  "I've never seen Hayden be in such a hurry to get me out of the house."

  "It's dinnertime, and he's probably just hungry. Don't worry about it, okay? When was the last time we went out alone together?" Jake asked as they started east.

  "Too long. Hayden was sure in a hurry to pack my bags," Baylor commented, her thoughts dwelling on the over enthusiasm shown by her other fiancé. "You don't think he was happy for me to leave, do you?"

  "I doubt it. It doesn't matter. He gets a lot more one on one time with you than I do, you know."

  "That's only because he's home more with regular hours."

  "Yeah, that's it," he muttered.

  "Jake? Are you okay? Something is bothering you, I can tell."

  "I'm fine."

  His clipped response concerned her. "We promised to always be truthful with each other, especially about our feelings. You all warned me about things that can happen in this type of relationship, so I'm going to speak up when I feel that something isn't right."

  "I said I was fine, Baylor." His tone was sharp.

  "You don't have to snap at me!" she returned. "I wasn't even talking about you. I was worried about Hayden."

  "It's always Hayden, isn't it? Why can't we have a night where he isn't between us?"

  "Oh, my God. Jake, you're jealous? Why? Did I do something?"

  "I'm not fucking jealous."

  "Either you are jealous, or you are hiding something from me, Mr. Watch-Your-Language. Is Hayden having an affair? Is that why he was so eager to get me away from the house? That's it, isn't it? He's been coming home later than usual…"

  "He would never cheat on you, so get that stupid thought out of your head," Jake snapped.

  Baylor stared at him in disbelief. "Did you just call me stupid?"

  "No, the idea that Hayden would fuck around on you is stupid."

  "Okay, you'd better tell me what is going on, or you can turn this car around and take me home. Something is bothering you and I demand to know what it is," she said.

  "Change the subject, Baylor."

  "No. I gave you the choice. You can either talk to me as your partner or we can go home. I will not spend the night alone with you when you are like this."

  Jake pulled the car to the side of highway and flipped on the hazard lights. He gripped the steering wheel and stared through the window.

  "Why do you prefer being with him more than me? What am I not giving you? Are you more attracted to him?" he said at length.

  "Oh, dear Lord," she said, rolling her eyes. "I don't prefer him over you! Both of you fulfill my needs in different ways. When did this start, Jake? You're miserable, and I don't know what I've done."

  "You communicate with him differently than you do with me. It's more relaxed and comfortable. I always get the sense that you are afraid of me."

  "You have different personalities, so of course I'm going to communicate with each of you differently. One isn't better than another. Honey, look at me. Please," Baylor begged, touching his hand. He turned his face to her, his eyes filled with pain. "Whatever I've done, I'm sorry," she went on. "I love you. I willingly submit to you. I want you and need you. You are the father of my children—"

  "We don't know that."

  "Is that what this is about? It doesn't matter whether it was Team Jake's or Team Hayden's sperm that swam their way over the hurdles and past the goal post for a home run; both of you are their daddies."

  "You do realize that your attempt at a sports metaphor failed horribly," Jake muttered.

  "Does that surprise you? I hate sports, but it was the only thing I could think of to get my point across to you. Each of you will have your name on a birth certificate next to mine. Two babies and two daddies. If it's important to you, we can do a DNA check, but I'm really afraid that if one of you discovers that you didn't contribute to the cause," she patted her belly, "then you will really be hurt and feel insecure. I'm new to this poly thing, and I'm knocked up. Soon I'm going to be looking like the Goodyear Blimp and waddling around like a fat duck. Aren't I the one who should be feeling insecure, jealous and paranoid at this point in time?"

  "I've never felt this way towards him before, Bay," Jake confessed. "Not once in the entire time I've known him. Even when we were married to the ex and she tried to put division between us, we would fight, but I never felt threatened or that he would replace me."

  "How did you feel when he and his mom moved in with you and became part of your life? From what I've heard, your dad spent a lot of time alone with him. Were you jealous then?"

  "Not a bit. We got to know each other apart from our folks, and when I met his mom, he openly shared her without even a blink. The two of them brought so much joy into my life. Dad and I were so alone until they came in," he told her.

  "Jake, you know how hard this lifestyle has been for me. Not just the dynamic and the crazy influx of bossy men that are part of it, but the poly stuff. It was so hard for me to give myself permission to love both of you equally. For the longest time I felt I was cheating on the other if I enjoyed one on one time. You are so opposite and, honestly, I am shocked that there hasn't been any real jealousy or competition between you before. Why now?" Baylor asked.

  "I don't know how you do it. How can you not compare?"

  "There is no comparison! I get lust from Hayden and passion from you. He is rough and you are gentle. He is relaxed and laid back, and you are intense and focused. Together, you give me everything I could desire, and make me feel complete."

  "I just feel like I'm standing on the outskirts at times. You go to him when you are feeling poorly or upset about things…"

  "And I come to you when I need real life advice and direction, or want protection from the boogie men when we watch horror flicks. I also come to you when I have bad dreams. You chase away my 'scares' best. Even when the two of you 'daddy' me… he is my playmate, and you are my security," she said gently.

  "Do you want me to be more like him?" Jake asked.

  "Hell, no! I've never wanted you to be like Hayden, Terry, Matt or anyone else. I love you for who you are and how you are, quirks and all. I like that you aren't as gregarious as he is, and that you don't allow emotions to direct your decisions. You balance him and, with that, help to balance me. I need that, otherwise I would be crazier than bat shit and even more out of control than I usually am."

  "You're being honest with me, right?"

  "I swear on my honor. I would never lie to you about something like this. Please believe me," Baylor said.

  "I'm sorry, baby. I really am. I wish I could give you a reason for my feeling this way, but there is none.

  "Jake, life's been a little stressful lately with work, and we haven't had much time together. I know that
you've been a bit wound up with the hours you're keeping, and that you've been trying to be strong and hold it together. I see that. I also know that even you have limits. It's okay."

  "Please forgive me."

  She unbuckled her seatbelt and sidled next to him. "There's nothing to forgive. You do what a good daddy needs to do. I know that there are ways to be an extra good little girl, and I'm going to try my best to give you more of what you need from now on. That starts with my undivided attention, and showing more appreciation for you."

  "Terry was right." Jake suddenly chuckled. "You are the third wheel."

  "What? Terry said that? Why?"

  "Don't get upset. He was talking about a tricycle. Hayden and I are the back wheels that propel the trike forward, while you steer us in the direction that you want to go. If one of us puts the brakes on, we go in a circle until it's resolved, which never takes very long. We also know that we have to go together or we will never move forward."

  "Is it a pink tricycle, with sparkly streamers on the handlebars and flashing lights in the spokes?" Baylor asked with a wink.

  "Of course. Why have a tricycle if it isn't decked out for a princess?" Jake shrugged shyly. "It's hard to resist you when you ring the pretty little bell attached to the front, though."

  "I never thought that being called a third wheel would make me feel so loved. I'll tell you what. Let's not even mention Hayden's name when we are alone, and see if that make you feel more comfortable. You know that I would never intentionally hurt you," she suggested.

  "I know that you won't. And I don't care if you mention his name. He's my brother, and we are a family."

  "Men. Be honest with me, you know I won't judge you. Would you like me to avoid talking about him?"

  "Truth. I'm fine and no, don't avoid it. I love you."

  "I love you, too. Jake? I'm going to be your wife. I'm not a Little all the time, and I want you to lean on me when you feel uncomfortable. You told me in the beginning that the only way this type of relationship will work is if we all give everything we have together. Remember that there is no 'i' in Paterson," she said with a cheesy grin.