Rebecca's Heart

by Lisa Harris

  His mother’s laugh was light and playful as if she didn’t feel an ounce of the tension that hung between them. “Surprised that a society woman involved primarily in charity work would enjoy such a sport?”

  “Well, no, but—”

  “I’ve found it to be a pleasant distraction from time to time.”

  “Really?”

  Confusion marked Rebecca’s face, and he couldn’t help but wonder if it was due to his mother’s invitation or the fact that he would be there.

  “Say you’ll come. This will be a splendid occasion for all of us.”

  His heart felt as if it were about to be torn in pieces. If she agreed, it would mean that much more time he could spend with her, something he longed for desperately. But any time they spent together would make it that much harder to leave her. Could it give him a chance to make things right between them? He knew she wouldn’t change her mind and wait for him. Especially after he’d foolishly waited too long to tell her the truth. But if he could be assured of her forgiveness, he wouldn’t leave with the mountain of guilt that threatened to consume him.

  Surely there’s a way for us to be together, Lord.

  Instead of a measure of reassurance for the impossible, the physical emptiness inside engulfed him like a tidal wave. The crew of a vessel always faced the threat of lost lives in the midst of a storm, but as far as he was concerned, he’d already lost his heart.

  Rebecca adjusted the tilt of her wide-brimmed hat to block out the sun. She’d been surprised at the invitation and even more surprised that Luke had gone along with the request. After what he’d done to her, surely he had more sense than to think she would want to go anywhere with him. Hadn’t he hurt her enough? But because it was Mrs. Hutton who’d asked, she’d agreed, not knowing how to reject the invitation politely.

  Luke was obviously behind the idea, but she wasn’t sure why he wanted to spend time with her. Hadn’t she made it perfectly clear she had no intentions of waiting for him? Sitting on the row of bleachers that had been built for the spectators, she tried to focus on the grassy field and not the fact that Luke was sitting beside her. It wasn’t as if the thought of his leaving didn’t pain her. Far from it, but she knew he was someone she needed to forget. If only part of her didn’t long to confess that her feelings toward him matched his own toward her.

  No matter how much she wished things were different, she knew she couldn’t wait for him. If he would decide to stay, they might have a chance of finding out what the future held, but she knew that would never happen either. Too much could change in three years, and they still had a great deal to learn about each other. It was better to say their good-byes and end things before it got any harder.

  “This is the Beaneaters’ seventy-sixth game,” Luke said, turning toward her.

  “Pardon?” Drawn out of her contemplation, Rebecca stole a glance at him.

  “The Beaneaters,” he repeated. “It’s the seventy-sixth game of this year’s season.”

  “Oh. I’m sorry. My mind must have been elsewhere.”

  While Aunt Clara chatted away with Mrs. Hutton and Uncle Ben dozed in the warm sun, no one seemed to notice the discomfort she felt with the situation. In fact, seating her and Luke next to each other seemed more like a matchmaking strategy.

  Trying to return her focus to the events at hand, she watched as the Boston Beaneaters made their way out onto the South End Grounds. With their red stockings and padded gloves, they lined up in front of a lively crowd of spectators who stood to root for their home team. The opposing team, the Cleveland Blues, received a far less warm welcome.

  “Is this your first game?” Luke asked.

  “For the National League, yes.”

  Rebecca chewed on her bottom lip. She hated the awkwardness that had come between them. She wanted so much to forget Luke, but how could she when he sat mere inches from her?

  “I assume you’ve watched a few of the local games in Cranton?”

  “Watched? I’ve played dozens of those country games with my father and brothers.”

  “You’ve heard of the women’s teams, haven’t you, like the Philadelphia Blue Stockings?”

  Playing on her father’s farm after a church social was one thing. Parading around the country for the sport was another matter altogether. “I’ve heard that women’s teams have stirred up a good bit of controversy in the past few years, even to the point that they were once labeled a dreadful demonstration of impropriety.”

  “And do you agree with that statement?”

  At first she thought he was mocking her with his question, but with one glance she knew he wasn’t. Instead he appeared genuinely interested in her opinion. And he wasn’t the kind of man who would berate women and their roles in society no matter which side of the issue she stood on.

  She flashed him a slight grin. “It should suffice to say that you’ll never find me being paid to run around a grassy field.”

  As Luke chuckled in response, the Beaneaters scored another run. With Luke’s attention back on the game, she let her gaze linger on his clean-shaven face. While many men wore moustaches and beards or even drooping moustaches without beards, she rather preferred the trim look. It made him look like quite the distinguished gentleman.

  As the crowd settled down, he turned back to her. “May I get you something to eat from the concession stand?”

  She shook her head. “I’m fine, thank you.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Of course.” The concern on his face seemed to stem from something far weightier than wondering if she needed something to eat. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

  “I … because I never had the chance to apologize properly for what happened at my mother’s party.”

  “You don’t have to—”

  “Yes, I do. Even my mother thinks I’m a cad.”

  In spite of the severity of his expression, she wanted to laugh at the term. He might have displayed a lack of good judgment regarding that particular situation, but he was certainly not without gentlemanly instincts. “You never acted improperly or said anything that suggested you were interested in me.”

  “Nevertheless, the implications were there, and I can’t stand the thought of my leaving with this hanging between us.”

  She glanced at the rest of their party, thankful none of them appeared to be listening to their conversation. “Of course I forgive you.”

  Smiling, she turned back to the game. Luke Hutton was like no man she’d ever met. He certainly wasn’t perfect; his omission in their conversations of his upcoming voyage was proof of that. But she could also see his strengths in the fact that he wanted desperately to make things right between them. And something told her his need for her to forgive him held no ulterior motives. He might still wish she would agree to wait for him, but even more important he wanted to do the right thing.

  By the end of the game, Rebecca had all but forgotten the wall that had been erected between the two of them. She’d laughed at his commentary of the game and enjoyed his constant humor as he told her stories from his own childhood growing up in Boston.

  With the final crack of the bat, the Boston Beaneaters won against the Cleveland Blues, four to zero. Watching Luke’s handsome figure stand up and cheer for the home team, she was struck with the reality of their situation. Life wasn’t a game of points scored, declaring winners and losers. Life, with all the joys and accomplishments one encountered, could never be measured in home runs.

  Turning away from him, she knew what she had to do. If she were smart, she would protect her heart, walk away, and never see Luke Hutton again. But what if her heart was right and he was worth waiting for?

  eight

  Rebecca wiped away the beads of perspiration from her forehead then took the porcelain teapot out of the icebox. Earlier this morning she’d brewed a mixture of black and green tea so it would be at its peak flavor in the sultry afternoon heat. Mid-August had brought with it a number of sizzling days, and if it hadn�
��t been for the cool breezes given off by the Atlantic, the heat would have been unbearable.

  Caroline sat on the other side of the kitchen/sitting room combination of her and Philip’s apartment above Macintosh Furniture and Upholstery. The pleasant room was full of detailed black walnut furnishings Philip had handcrafted, and Caroline’s fabric designs gave an added cheerful feel despite the tight quarters.

  While the residence was small by most people’s standards, Caroline continually reminded everyone this was simply a temporary arrangement that allowed close access to the shop while their new house was being built. Despite a number of unscheduled delays, their two-story dwelling was expected to be finished before winter arrived, something Caroline seemed to anticipate almost as much as the coming baby.

  “What would I do without you?” Caroline asked.

  Rebecca let out a soft giggle. “You’d be suffering through this heat without the health benefits of Mrs. Lincoln’s iced tea.”

  “All I can do is thank the good Lord that I have only five weeks left.” With her feet propped up on an upholstered stool, Caroline leaned back in her Boston rocker while Rebecca finished preparing the iced tea. “Do you realize that if one has a dozen children, like Susan Parker, one is pregnant an entire nine years of her life?”

  Resting her hands against her hips, Rebecca shook her head. “I do believe you have far too much time on your hands.”

  Caroline laughed. “Maybe, but if I don’t do something, I’ll go crazy. I’ve already told Philip that having one child will more than likely keep me plenty occupied and there is simply no reason to have another one.”

  “I have no doubt that once this little one comes into the world, you will completely change your mind. And as for me, someday I’d like at least three or four.”

  Rebecca closed her mouth and busied herself by filling the goblets full of crushed ice, wondering why she’d made that last ridiculous statement. Adding two cubes of block sugar and a slice of lemon to each glass, she tried to ignore the fact that, at the present anyway, the very possibility of children in the near future was out of the question for her. Especially since the one man she’d finally decided to take a chance with was now out of her life forever.

  “Do you think I made a mistake?” Rebecca poured the chilled tea into the goblets then crossed the room to join Caroline.

  “In making the tea?”

  Rebecca frowned at Caroline’s flippant response as she handed her one of the drinks. “Of course not. I’m talking about my decision not to wait for Luke’s return.”

  “Honestly? I can’t say I blame you.”

  “Really?”

  Caroline took a long drink of the tea. “Too much could happen in three years, and it’s not as if you have known each other for a long time. You could meet someone else, or what if he finds someone at one of the ports during the trip?”

  Rebecca frowned. “Luke is not that kind of man.”

  “I never meant to imply he is anything but honorable, but what about the dangers of the voyage? The life of a whaler isn’t easy, whether he’s the captain of the ship or the lowest crew member. The sea’s never choosy about whom it decides to take.”

  Rebecca sat down on the end of the sofa and studied the peaceful, wintry scene of a Currier and Ives print hung on the wall across from her. The people pictured seemed to live an existence of perpetual contentment. A stark contrast to her own life. “A few weeks ago you implied it was romantic to be the lovelorn bride waiting anxiously day after day for her husband to return from sea.”

  Caroline ran her hands across her swollen abdomen. “As a woman close to her hour of delivery, I claim the right to change my mind on whatever subject I want, and as often as I like.”

  “You’re absolutely incorrigible today.” Rebecca shot her friend a wry grin.

  “You miss him, don’t you?” Caroline asked.

  “I don’t want to, but yes.” She swirled the glass of tea in her hand and watched the ice clink against the sides. “And the sad thing is, he hasn’t even left the harbor yet. He still has another few days before the ship leaves.”

  “You’ll forget him, because life always goes on. You’ll find someone who will fill the void you feel right now, and before you know it, Luke Hutton will be nothing more than a vague memory.”

  “You make it sound so simple.” And sad.

  “Love is never simple, but for me anyway, it helps to remember it won’t hurt forever.”

  “I suppose you’re right.”

  Rebecca took a sip of her tea and savored its sweetness. If only life could so easily be sprinkled with a dab of sugar to make everything work out. But as much as Caroline’s words made sense, it wasn’t enough. Luke wasn’t just another acquaintance she could quickly forget. There was something different about him, and she wasn’t convinced she’d find someone else who made her feel the way she did when she was around him.

  Even what she’d felt with Jake didn’t begin to compare with the deepening feelings she had toward Luke. Every time she saw him, he made her laugh, and when he was away from her, her heart felt empty. She loved the way he encouraged her to pursue her dreams for the orphanage and never made her feel she was less important because she worked as a seamstress and didn’t have the wealth of so many of the girls who ran in his circles. He cared about her because of who she was, not where she came from.

  Caroline leaned forward slightly. “What is it?”

  Rebecca lifted her head from her contemplations. “Is my brooding that obvious?”

  “I’ve never seen it take longer for you to drink your tea than for the ice inside the glass to melt.”

  Rebecca glanced down at the nearly full goblet. Today even the refreshing flavor of the tea was doing little to restore her spirits. “What if I tell him I’ll wait for him?”

  “You’re serious about him, aren’t you?”

  Rebecca nodded slowly. “I don’t want to lose him.”

  “I think you’re setting yourself up for a heartache.

  You need to forget him. Maybe his parents did all right marrying a short time before his father left for sea, but how often do you think a situation like that works out for the good?”

  Rebecca ran her finger around the rim of the glass. “I don’t know.”

  “None of us can say what will happen between now and the time he returns. Maybe you won’t have found someone else by then, and the two of you will be able to continue your relationship. Just don’t close off all your options.”

  “I was right, you know, when I said romance with a whaler was bound to end in tragedy.” Rebecca brushed back her bangs and let out a deep sigh. “Except in my situation it’s a tragedy no matter what I decide to do. If I choose never to see him again, I’m afraid I’ll regret my decision for the rest of my life. But on the other hand, I don’t know how I could ever handle waiting so long for him to return. I’m afraid that would only bring me more heartbreak.”

  “I’m sorry, Rebecca. I really am. And I know none of this is easy for you. I guess all we can do at this point is pray that God shows you what to do.”

  “Sometimes I wonder if He cares which choice I make. He seems so far away from me lately.”

  “Of course He cares.” Caroline set her tea on the small table beside her then leaned forward. “My mother used to quote from First Peter five, where it tells us to cast all our cares on Him, for He cares for us.”

  Rebecca contemplated her friend’s words. “If that’s true, then why does He make it so difficult to know what’s best? Why is it so difficult to give up my fears and let Him take them?”

  “All I can do is encourage you with the fact that He is in control and that He does love and care about you. Never lose sight of that reality.”

  Time was running out. With only a handful of days left until the Liberty departed, Luke spent the majority of his time getting both the crew and the ship ready to sail by week’s end. The grueling schedule of working with Captain Taft, as well as helping Dwight
Nevin put the finishing touches on the boat, gave him little time to dwell on the fact that Rebecca was forever out of his life.

  Refreshed from his bath and clean change of clothes, he opened the door from his room, eager for a hot meal. Already he could smell the pungent aroma of clam chowder coming from the kitchen. Stepping into the hallway he heard the familiar sound of Rebecca’s laugh coupled with his mother’s.

  Luke froze. His mother had told him Rebecca was coming over this afternoon, but he’d been sure she would be gone before he returned, so he hadn’t worried about running into her. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see her again. Not at all. But he had the memory of seeing her for the last time at the ballgame etched in his memory, and he didn’t want to take the chance of spoiling it.

  She’d worn a sunny yellow dress that brought out the flecks of gold in her eyes, along with a fashionable hat that had been tilted slightly to the side, giving her an elegant look. After the first few awkward minutes of watching the Boston Beaneaters play, they’d relaxed until even he had almost forgotten he was leaving.

  After the baseball game they’d had no opportunity for any private good-byes between them, but he’d known that was best. He didn’t want a drawn-out scene that would only bring both of them heartache. Still, he’d wanted to kiss her, to hold her in his arms and hear her say she’d wait for him; but since that could never happen, that was the way he wanted to remember their final moments together.

  Knowing he shouldn’t see her again, he decided to step back into his room and wait until she left; but before he could shut the door, the laughter increased, and Rebecca and his mother emerged from the bedroom.

  “Luke, I didn’t realize you were home. You simply must come see what Rebecca has done with my bedroom. She’s just finished the slipcovers, and they look absolutely divine. They’re the most stunning navy-blue and cream combination….”

  He barely heard his mother. All he could see was Rebecca. She stood in the doorway, her gaze firmly set on him. While a slight smile rested on her lips, he didn’t miss the look of sadness in the depths of her eyes. This was what he hadn’t wanted—for her to be hurt any more than she’d been already.