He squeezed her hand again, his blue eyes shadowed. “Truthfully, I’m not sure how I feel. I know I’m worried about you and think about you constantly. I know I’ve wanted to be here helping you. Is that love? I don’t know, Leia. Can’t we just take it a bit at a time and sort out the love thing later?”
Hurt bloomed. Then her common sense reasserted itself. It had only been a matter of months since they’d met and she had a lifestyle that complicated things for a small town sheriff. She knew that. Yet she yearned for just once to matter enough that the man she cared about would go out on that love limb with her. She gave him a bright “never let them see you cry” smile. “Sure.”
He kissed her again, all serious and intent. “It’s not you. It’s me.”
She could triple her fortune with the number of times she’d heard that. So she couldn’t help the disgust that coated her answer. “If you don’t feel the same way, Zach, just leave it at that.”
He pulled away from her. “I suck at this.”
She sat up and grabbed his T-shirt, pulling it over her head. Dammit, she hadn’t meant to start a fight, but life was getting away from her. She wasn’t falling in love with Zach. She was in love with Zach. “I love you, Zach. It isn’t hard. It isn’t something to struggle to answer. It just is.” She rose to her feet, stifling a shiver and a cough.
“Where are you going?” He reached for her but she sidestepped.
“Bathroom.”
She escaped, wishing like hell she hadn’t said anything. Men and their phobias. Zach’s problem had Denise’s name written all over it.
Just as she slammed the bathroom door, the lights came back on. So much for their fireside rendezvous.
The lights flickered, then returned full glare. Zach slipped into his jeans and stared down at the midnight meal, dumped on the coffee table in forgotten haste. The messed up mattress bedding mocked him.
Man, he was a jerk of epic proportions. If he’d learned anything in thirty-two years of being around women, they didn’t appreciate having their affections trifled with. He snorted at his mental phrasing and moved to turn out the lights and spread out the feast. Maybe a return to the romantic ambience from before would coax Leia to believe some kind of apology.
What words was he going to use to accomplish that? He couldn’t say “I love you.” It was a phrase he only used with his daughter, and on rare occasions his aunt. Since a young Zach had blathered it to Denise multiple times to only have it thrown back at him, he was careful about keeping sex and love separate. He frowned, cutting the apple and opening the crackers.
Leia was different. He wasn’t sure how he felt about her, whether it would last, whether he would eventually be able to utter those forbidden words, but he wouldn’t disrespect their first night together by compounding his jerkiness.
“I expected you to be gone.” She’d come back in the room, heavy socks on her feet, his shirt looking damn good against a cute derriere and long, pretty legs.
“You have my shirt.”
Judging by her expression, his humor fell flat. “I laid out our food. We forgot it.”
She screwed her face into a considering frown. “Is that supposed to be an apology?”
“No. That comes after we eat.” He held out his hand, waiting long moments before letting out a sigh of relief when she walked across the mattress and took his hand.
He reluctantly released her touch to dish up a small plate and hand it to her. “I don’t want to fight, Leia. I’m sorry I can’t give you more than that right now.” He looked at her, hoping for understanding and finding resignation in her eyes.
That made him feel worse.
“Denise…”
She scooted away from him, leaning against the far end of the sofa and stretching her feet out over the mattress edge toward the fire. “I figured it came back to Denise and Carlee. No explanations needed.”
He moved to sit beside her, taking her hand. “Explanations are needed.”
She shrugged, as if to say it didn’t matter, but tentativeness filled her eyes. “Your story to tell.”
“I met Denise in college. It was lust at first sight. Feeling was mutual and I took what was willingly offered and thought it meant more. We fought a lot. I wanted a steady relationship. She was busy with school, with friends, with everything but me. Yet, we got around each other and couldn’t keep our hands off each other. Sex was amazing and everything else was bad. “
He swallowed, taking a moment to consider what else to say. He looked over at her. She crossed her legs, her knee touching his, nibbling on a piece of fudge and watching him.
“Go on. Carlee came along.”
He shut his eyes, the memory flooding in. “Yeah. What a disaster. I wanted her and Denise didn’t.”
Leia stiffened. “She didn’t try to…”
“No. She’d researched abortion for an article she’d had to write and couldn’t do that, but she swore at me for eight months for not using better condoms, not pulling out in time, you name it.”
Leia rolled her eyes. “I’m sorry, Zach. Babies should be celebrated.”
“We were young and stupid and neither of us was celebrating. We moved in together. I think Denise only agreed because I was an absolute ass about it. But Carlee’s my blood, my baby and I wanted involved. I wanted to be there for every moment. I wanted our baby to have a family, so I asked Denise to marry me.”
He took a deep breath and stared across the dark living room. “She refused. It was an ongoing battle. Back and forth. I’d ask, she’d refuse. I’d say I loved her, she’d hedge. We fought. Worse than before over everything.”
“I’m sorry, Zach.”
He shrugged. “Not your fault. Carlee was born and things didn’t improve. Three weeks after Carlee was born, Denise started going out, partying, returned to an old job and worked and worked and worked. She was never there. I was juggling school, a job and a baby.”
He quieted for a moment, lost in the memories. “By the time Carlee was eight months old, I’d graduated and was working for the Denver Police Department. I couldn’t manage the job and a baby at home, so I quit and came back to Parson Corners. Denise followed me, but it was only to make it look good, like we’d responsibly made the choice to separate. I’d quit wanting her by then, quit talking to her period.”
“Are you sure you really loved her?” She set her fudge down and shifted a blanket around her.
Had he? He’d always thought so and always held a bunch of resentment against Denise because she’d not reciprocated the feelings. The irony of having to hold back the words for Leia was not lost on him.
He got up to stir the fire and didn’t answer her. He wasn’t sure of anything anymore. Making love with Leia certainly ranked up in the top two moments in his life. He had strong feelings messing with what should be cut and dried.
You either loved or didn’t love, right?
He wanted to blurt out—yes, dammit I love you! But he wasn’t sure how far he could trust that emotion. It had run his life before and he couldn’t afford that now. Because it wasn’t just him he had to worry about now. It was Carlee.
He put the poker down and turned. She was staring at her plate, toying what remained of her fudge. He stepped to the table and picked up his plate. “You could do better than me.”
Leia snorted. “Better than you? No. I have done worse than you. Repeatedly. Not as many times as the tabloids say I have, mind you, but I think you’re the best.”
“Why?” He hoped to glean a bit about what she was thinking. Love wasn’t this simple.
“You have your feet on the ground. You say what you mean. You know what’s important. And you’re handsome as the devil, as my mother used to say.”
He sat down next to her again. “Nah, Beau’s the handsome one. I have the smarts. Wyatt’s got the charm and Ryder has the cunning.”
She gave a small laugh and set her plate aside. “Have them all pegged, huh?”
“Not pegged, so much as t
ruth.” He picked up an apple and reached to feed it to her. “Do you like your life, Leia Shae?”
She chewed, and gave the question considerable thought before answering. “I did. Once. Now, not so much. Reconstruction has started. I’ll let you know how that turns out. Why?”
“Mine’s an open book. Small town sheriff. Daughter. Family. Everything right there to see.”
She cleared her throat and took another bite that he offered her. “Mine’s a bit more complicated than that.” Her solemn gaze was eased by feeding him a cracker.
He chewed the salty piece and swallowed. “Harder to ascertain the truth.”
She slipped a hand alongside his jaw and turned his face to hers, a serious intensity in her eyes. “Not if you ask me. I will always tell you the truth. First rule: Never believe what you read, see on the news, or hear from the neighbors. It’s all greatly exaggerated. What you see right here? This is me. This is what you get.”
He leaned down and kissed her with a gentleness and devotion that was missing from his words. “Let’s go back to bed.” He waited for her answer, committed to leaving if she said no, which he deserved. Again, she surprised him.
“Let’s.”
He rose and took their plates, setting them back on the coffee table. He took her hands and helped her shift to the head of the bed. Once naked and settled against her, he sighed with deep contentment.
“Zach, it’s okay if you can’t give me more. I understand.”
Instead of answering, he kissed her and kissed her again, with the slow and thorough loving she needed and deserved. The intensity of their lovemaking stoked the fuel of his doubts, but he forced them away, determined to enjoy this moment with his Leia.
He might not get another one.
The doorbell rang.
Instantly awake, Zach reached for his pants.
The bell rang again. Then the pounding started.
He put one leg in his jeans, checked the front door, saw two shadows through the beveled glass, and quickly finished zipping his pants.
Leia moaned, pulling a pillow over her head.
He lifted the pillow. “Wake up Rock Star. We’ve got company.”
All he got was another moan.
More pounding. “Dad, are you here?”
Carlee?
Damn.
He shook Leia, more than aware of her naked state under the covers. “Get to the bedroom. We’re about to be invaded.”
Leia cracked an eye. “What?”
He cupped her face. “Carlee.”
Realization dawned on her face. She rose and pulled the comforter around her all in one motion and was gone.
“Dad!”
“Coming Carlee,” he called. He was going to kill Beau for this. He found his T-shirt and pulled it over his head. He moved to the door and twisted the lock. He smoothed a hand over his tousled hair and opened the door. “Dammit, Beau, you could have called.”
“Not Beau, and Merry Christmas to you, too.” Denise’s sharp and irritating voice rubbed him raw, activating his defenses.
What an ugly way to start the day.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Instinct had Zach shifting to protect the living room from view.
“Why don’t you two go back across the street. I’ll be there in a minute.”
Defying his request, Denise stepped around Carlee and over the threshold. Zach didn’t budge, stopping her in the entryway. They stood chest to chest, eye to eye, closer than two gunslingers in a range war.
Thank God Leia had escaped to the bedroom, but he wasn’t exactly sure what stray clothes or tell-tale signs were left around the fireplace.
Carlee ignored them both and stepped around them. She removed her boots and placed them on the mat, then turned to the living room. He knew the moment her eyes rounded that the disarray of the space gave away something he’d rather remain private.
Denise gave him a smirk—the same one he’d hated for years.
He glared at her. “Go to the kitchen, please. I’ll be there in a minute.” It grated to be so damn polite, but for Carlee’s sake, he wouldn’t explode.
Both of the intruders reluctantly exited the way he’d asked.
He waited until they were out of the room to walk down the hall to Leia’s room. He tapped on her door and entered without waiting for her. She was dressed and brushing her hair.
“Denise and Carlee.”
Leia’s eyes rounded. “God. The living room.” Fortunately, her recovering voice was pitched low.
“Yeah, they’re in the kitchen. If you’re going to join us, come armored.” He turned and left without waiting for her answer. He stopped in the living room and forced on his socks.
He stood and looked around the room, noting Leia’s shirt and panties on the floor by the mattress. He kicked them under the chair and rounded the sofa, taking a deep breath before entering the kitchen.
Carlee had gotten juice from the refrigerator and was sitting at the table, Goth pout back in firm place.
Denise gave him a leisurely, interested look. A sudden comparison of his life with Denise versus the one night with Leia shuddered through him. He stopped to kiss Carlee on the top of the head, even though she leaned away, then he went to the coffee pot. “What are you doing here?”
“I came up yesterday afternoon. I’d been planning on surprising Carlee and I did. She showed up at the lodge with Beau.” She casually slipped out of her gloves.
“Why aren’t you tucked in bed with room service at the lodge? The roads must be horrible.” He dumped coffee in the basket without measuring and took the carafe for water.
“Plowed and passable.” She watched him for a moment. “Carlee said something about Leia Shae and I just have to meet her.”
“I’ll just bet you do.” Zach poured the liquid in the machine and turned it on, imaging all the gossip a reporter could find in this house. Dammit. He needed about four cups before he’d be able to side-step this conversation.
“Can I go watch TV?” Carlee’s snarl reminded Zach of problems on another front.
Considering the state of the living room, that was definitely a bad idea.
“Sure,” Leia said from the doorway. “Remote’s on the sofa.”
Carlee swept past him, not even stopping for a good morning hug and when Leia touched her arm as she passed, she jerked as though scalded. Yep. Child was supremely put out and needed to be throttled.
Leia gave him a tentative smile and stepped further into the kitchen. Her hair was swept up into a neat pony-tail and the navy sweats and sweatshirt covered everything. The only tell-tale sign of their night was whisker burn on her cheeks. He should have shaved last night before they’d…what? Gotten frisky, had sex. It wasn’t like he’d planned to be standing in the kitchen this morning with former and current.
“Leia Shae.” She crossed the room in a graceful stroll, holding out her hand.
“Denise Deveau.” She gave Leia’s hand a perfunctory shake.
Zach’s temper simmered, anticipating the next volley and wanting like hell to get out of the way. He moved to the back door and grabbed his boots, sitting down at the kitchen table to put them on.
“I’ve heard of you.” Leia sauntered to the coffee pot and poured both her and Zach a cup. He could have kissed her and then he cursed under his breath. Leia hadn’t asked him how he liked his coffee, only deepening the speculation in Denise’s eyes.
Denise’s voice oozed a charming sarcasm. “I’ve heard of you, too.” The fake laugh grated on his nerves.
“Is there something you want, Denise?” Zach stood, stomping his feet to settle his boots. He reached on the chair behind him for his uniform shirt, not remembering putting it there, but thankful.
“Why don’t I just go hang with Carlee?” Leia took her coffee, gave him a commiserating smile and eased out of the room.
“She’s a cute little thing.”
“Not open for discussion. What do you want?”
“Just to tell
you I’m here and that I have a few things planned with Carlee.”
“You could have called from the lodge and told me that.” He tucked in his shirt and took a few gulps of coffee.
“Well, frankly, I couldn’t quite believe you and the little Rock Star had a thing. Carlee’s been gushing about her friendship and I have to wonder.”
“Wonder what?” He stepped to the counter and picked up his cell phone. No calls. No reprieve there.
“Don’t you read the tabloids? That woman is hardly a good influence on our daughter.”
He bit his tongue to keep from saying that someone else wasn’t a good influence on his daughter and it sure wasn’t Leia. “Define a good influence? Just for the sake of argument.”
“You arrested her yourself, Zach. Alcohol. Drugs. Who knows? She’s a Rock Star. They live on another planet, with different rules than the rest of us. ”
“The charges were dropped. Different rules? Different from what? Yours?”
Denise talked over him. “Carlee’s at that impressionable age. When she told me all about the situation, I felt I had to voice my concerns. From what I’ve seen this morning, Daddy’s been dipping in the celebrity pool.”
“That’s enough. What I do with my private time is not open for discussion, ever. I’m here to take care of a friend.”
“Friend.” Denise smirked. “With benefits.”
Zach moved to her side and lowered his voice. “You gave up the right long ago to have any say in how I conduct things. Coming from a woman who regularly lets down her daughter, don’t talk to me about my behavior. I’m there every day for her. You’re just a traffic sign on a highway to nowhere.”
“I won’t have Carlee influenced by the likes of her. I know more about that lifestyle than you ever will.” Denise’s hiss always pushed his buttons.
“Zach.” Leia’s voice from the doorway stopped his reply.
Carlee was by her side with her frown mad on. “I can hear. I’m not a baby. I’m going home.”
“That’s not necessary, honey.” Denise gave him a venomous look and fitted her gloves back on her hands.
Pumpkins, Cowboys & Guitars Page 62
