How to be Topp

by Geoffrey Willans

  Price 6d. Published by grabber and grabber, who would luv to give it away to the tinies. Indeed they would if it were not that the little ones must learn that it is only by your own eforts that suksess is won in life hem-hem ask old mr grabber.

  THE ADVENTURES OF DIPPY-DOPEY

  Dippy-Dopey love–s his cat. He br–ings the cat m–ilk. The cat wishes some–thing strong–er. mee-aouw he sa mee-aouw give me a ry–e on the rocks so c–old that it would fr–eeze an esk–i–mo ig–loo. Ver–y well sa Dippy-Dopey i will try be–cos i luv my cat. Dippy-Dopey runs to town on the toy–land trane. He goes to his old friend Trash, who is a dis–rep–u–table li–on. i want a rye–on–the–rocks for the cat cry Dippy-Dopey. Growl sa Trash i will fix that id–le fo–ol good and pro–per. He k–nock up a white–e lad–y in a jif–fy. Dippy-Dopey run back into the woods with the liq–uid. Where you been sa the cat where you been pour me out a slug quick–ly. He drinks it back. He drinks a–noth–er. And a–noth–er. Now we can go to sleep sa Dippy-Dopey.

  St Custard’s Explaned

  A small experiment in piktorial education for clots who don’t kno about it. Designed and produced by n. molesworth

  1. The peason-molesworth space ship threatened by wild mercurian maths masters lies disabled in the onion bed of the kitchen garden.

  2. Meanwhile in the master’s common room. Sigismund arbuthnot the mad maths master musters his rhomboids.

  3. Time off for tea and seed cake. That is peason on the left he is not bad he is my grate friend. My bro molesworth 2 is eating cake as per ushual he is uterly wet and a weed. The other one is me Captain molesworth the interplanetary clot cheers cheers. 4. A new recruit for the hard-pressed crew. Aktually it is only fotherington-tomas you kno he sa Hullo clouds hullo sky he is a girlie and love the scents and sounds of nature tho the less i smell and hear them the better.

  5. Wandsworth the skool dog trots up with the missing fusion percolater in his fatheful jaws. 6. Sigismund looks at us through his all-seeing videoscope. We look at him. Impasse.

  7. A new plot. 8. Bound and gagged the crew are led into Divinity class.

  9. Divinity lesson. 10. Meanwhile . . .

  11. grabber blasts the walls with his cosmic disintegrator, he is head of the skool and a bit dim but we had to give him this part. 12. Escape!

  13. The peason-molesworth space ship takes off (more next week if you have the necessessary d’s otherwise jane is not bad value).

  ALL THERE IS TO KNO ABOUT SPACE

  There is very little mistery about Space these days at least not to us boys who hav grown up with it. It is just a lot of planets dotted about the place and if you want the gen about them here it is.

  THE MOON: This is rather trippery these days as it is only 239000 miles away. Besides it is rather disappointing when you hav been fired all that distance and spent about six years of your life in a space ship to step out and find a lot of craters and moon canals. Agane there is no air so noone can breathe which make things a bit dificult. On the other hand you can jump three times as high as you can on earth but so can everyone else so there is not much fun in it.

  URANUS: This is 1782 million miles away and you hav to pass through a belt of planetoids to get there. It is well worth it when you do but that is rather unlikely in your time becos it would take so long to reach that it would be your grate grand child who would hav the fun i.e. he would be murded by the PUKON and his TREENS. Agane it seme to be rather a long way to go for that.

  MARS: Mars would be all right if it were not for the Martians who are quite beyond the pail. Always fighting always quareling no peace at all for the sound of space pistols, H-bombs, gamma-ray guns, bakterial cannons, Z-destructors and A-integgraters it might be Big skool at st custards in brake. I must sa it would be a bit beter if headmasters zoomed in to take the next lesson in a mini-helicopter like the PUKON do from his space palace but you canot hav everything particularly at skool where you get practically o xcept latin and the kane. It would be nice to get to kno some of martian skoolboys but they are moluscs with gogle eyes who talk in high-pitched squeaks. They goble their mars veg and they are most unsavory they do not wash. Not a bit like us. Or are they hem-hem?

  SATURN: You can always recognise Saturn when you zoom towards it at the speed of light. First of all it hav 9 little moons and then three rings. Plunge past these, give it full gravity reaction, ease to half, pick up the first space beacon, turn right at the church, flatten out, blo the space tanks and go in to land . . . . . . CRASH WAM BLAM BUMP so you see it is not so very diferent from landing on the earth. And what is it when you get here? The people my dear are such bores. Very hospitable of course but what do you hav in comon with walking toadstools which is what they are. The rest of them are giant bullfrogs and that is, when you come to think of it, not much beter. They croak and bark. Beter to stay at home really the people at parties there are like bullfrogs and they croak and bark to. But they don’t hop out of the window and pinch your space ship. If they pinch anything it’s – enuff said hem-hem.

  SPACE COMPLANTE: Space is getting a bit congested these days what with all the daring space aces who come out every Friday price 4d. It makes it a bit dificult to get a decent adventure the PUKON is taken up with one VORA with another. You try the vilaninous SHAZAM. Zoosh- Zee-Zeeeeee. . . . So you want to play it ruff, Shazam eh: but he sa go away chiz i am planing to invade mercury with a milion trilion space transports. All the fatheful chaps from other planets who hav names like KONX and carvel and faces it is hard to describe hav disapeared along with the saturnians and mercurians who are fortifying their uranium cities. In fact they are all so taken up with xplosions and zooming about that they hav no time for you. Even when you blast them with your gamma-ray pistol – zjff-ziff-ziff-ziff – they take no notice. So there is only one thing to do – zoosh – and go off home to tuough up molesworth 2.

  3

  AKQUIRE CULTURE AND KEEP THE BRANE CLEAN

  HOW TO BE TOPP IN LATIN

  All skools make some sort of show at teaching the pupils things and the headmaster pin up a huge timetable of lessons ect. which make the heart sink when you look at it. I mean do the grate british nation understand that thousands of its young elizabthans are looking at latin ugh before there brekfast hav even settled, i mean to sa how would they like saing monerer monereris moneretur ect. at that hour eh?

  Actually it is quite easy to be topp in lat. you just have to work chiz chiz chiz. Otherwise, there are various ways of taking your mind from it such as altering shorter latin primer into shortbread eating primer and if my name you wish to see turn to page one hundred and three. After that you just stare gloomily at stems in labials form Nom and hope for the best.

  The only best that can hapen is when the BELL ring cheers cheers cheers and you can stop puting blotch paper into the inkwell.

  Meanwhile lat. master drones on. He is always frightfully keen on lat. which he call classicks amo amas amat gender rhymes bonus and hic haec hoc which he quote with glee. Fancy a grown man saying hujus hujus hujus as if he were proud of it it is not english and do not make SENSE.

  Lat. masters are always convinced that lat. is easy quite pappy. They encourage you. It is so simple molesworth they cry if you will only try.

  Now go at it quite calmly.

  Tandem novum quidem et inauditum consilium capit . . .

  Simple eh hav a hart like all lat. it is just all BOSH.

  Sometimes they think they will trick you into liking lat. by having a latin pla. Latin plas are like this –

  THE HOGWARTS

  by

  MARCUS PLAUTUS MOLESWORTHUS

  Sene One. The villa of Cotta at Rome. Enter CORTICUS a dreary old slave and RADIX his mate.

  CORTICUS: (laying a skin of wine on the sideboard) Eheu!

  (The headmaster and all lat. masters who watch roar with larffter.)

  RADIX: Eheu!

  (More larffter they are in stitches)

  CORTICUS: Eheu!

 
; RADIX: Eheu!

  (The curtain falls as the masters roll helplessly in the aisles.)

  Sene Two. A tavern off the Via apia. Enter MENSA a dirty old man followed by ANNUS his shieldbearer.

  MENSA: Tot quot, clot.

  ANNUS: Tu quoque, clotie.

  (They trip over each other’s togas. An ancient Briton enters in chains.)

  BRITON: Turn it up now turn it up.

  (The curtain falls with all masters in hysterics.)

  Sene Three: The Capitol. Cotta and his wife are at breakfast.

  COTTA: Quid est pabulum?

  WIFE: (handing the cornflakes) Vis.

  COTTA: Eheu!

  IDIOTICUS their son enters singing to the lyre.

  IDIOTICUS: To nouns that canot be declined

  The neuter gender is assigned.

  Bebop bebop

  Examples fas and nefas give

  And the Verb-Noun Infinitiv.

  (This is too much for the masters who join rolicking in the chorus. The geese begin to quack and all the actors forget their lines. Curtain.)

  MOLESWORTH V MORON & MORON

  (peason intervening)

  If you do not partikularly care a buton if you are topp or not, one of the best things is to get into a DISCUSSION about it (in English). Like this. You put aside your dab-criket (hutton 2002) and look v. puzzled and with a thirst for knoledge.

  Sir?

  Be quiet molesworth! Get on with your exercise.

  No sir really sir.

  Well, what is it? (Thinks: a possible trap?)

  Then you sa:

  What is the use of latin sir?

  Master clutches the board ruber but he knos he is beaten this one always rouses the mob. The class breaks into an uproar with boos catcalls and cries of ‘Answer!’ The master begin

  er well er that er quite simple molesworth. latin is er classicks you kno and classicks are – well they are er – they are the studies of the ancient peoples.

  SIR NIGEL MOLESWORTH Q.C. So what?

  er latin gives you not only the history of Rome but er (hapy inspiration) its culture, it er tells you about interesting men like J. Caesar, hannibal, livy, Romulus remus and er lars porsena of clusium.

  SIR NIGEL MOLESWORTH, Q.C. And the Gauls you do not mention the Gauls. Would you not consider them interesting.

  O most certainly.

  SIR NIGEL MOLESWORTH Q.C. (consulting his brief) I observe from the work of this class that the Gauls hav atacked the camp with shouts they hav frightened the citizens, they hav killed the enemy with darts and arows and blamed the belgians. They hav also continued to march into Italy. Would it not be more interesting if they did something new?

  er possibly.

  SIR NIGEL MOLESWORTH Q.C. Would you perhaps explane why latin never deals with the exploits of nero and one or two of the fruitier emperors. Or empresses for that mater?

  (The master is silent clutching the board ruber convulsilvely. Sir Nigel looks round the court with a meaning look)

  That is my case, m’lud.

  (He sits down on the inkwell which peason hav shoved under him.)

  That is my case, m’lud

  Aktually it never really hapens like that. You hav to listen to the same old stuff about latin giving you depth and background. It is also the base of english words but it canot be base enuff for me chiz.

  Another wizard wheeze is to look up something really tricky in the grammer e.g. gerunds which are always tricky and shifty if you ever get as far as looking at them. What hapens is as follows:

  Hand up (Silence for 5 minus)

  Sir (whisper no repli)

  Hand up agane. (3 mints two secs.)

  What is it, molesworth?

  Sir, what is a gerund? (Master stare at you as if amazed)

  What is what? (He hav never heard of it)

  A gerund, sir.

  You ought to kno that. Look it up, boy. (working himself into a rage) really the ignorance of 2B they are the worst form i hav ever taken. What is a gerund, indeed! Worse than 3A last year! Much worse.

  But what is a gerund, sir?

  I hav told you look it up look it up look it up. (turning the leaves of the grammer beneath the desk) A gerund is a – it is a verbal substantive, molesworth, declined like neuters of the second declension any fule knos that. It seems to me extraordinary ect . . . . . .

  It is a pity really that you can’t cob masters cribbing and get them 6 of the best but there it is. Festina lente as we say to each other lightly at brake. Festina lente or I’ll bash you up.

  The Private Life of the Gerund

  The gerund attacks some peaceful pronouns

  Kennedy discovers the gerund and leads it back into captivity

  A gerund shut out. No place for it in one of my sentences

  Social snobery. A gerund ‘cuts’ a gerundive

  LATIN PROSE

  In the end you hav to come face to face with latin and here is the sort of thing that apperes and my coments.

  Test. (3 weakly.) Into Latin:

  a) The ramparts of the enemy are long.

  How long that is the point? If we kno how long they are we can march to the end and go round. Otherwise we must bring up the ballista and catapult our men over. In any case why bother me. Labienus is your man third tent on the right. Hand me back my chisel i am writing to mum.

  b) The boy’s head is small, his feet are big.

  Ho! He hav also a face like a wild baboon, arms like a flea and a nose like a squished turnip. He is uterly wet and a weed and it is obviously my grate friend peason.

  c) All the cavalry are on the right wing.

  I ask you! they just chase the ball like the ticks in the third game. Look at Caesar. What’s he doing there when he ought to be on the left wing eh? Labienus Cotta and Balbus – what a half-back line. Mark your men! Get back in gole, Remus! Wot a shambles i ask you no wonder the hungarians beat them.

  d) Do you always carry your books on your head?

  No, not always. Sometimes i carry an iron bar or a basket of washing on it it depends on my mood. What, then, do i do with my books? i deface them tear off the covers thro them at fotherington-tomas churn them about in my desk make blotches on them and make tunels with them for my trains. What business is it of yours anyway?

  e) Does the clear voice of the girl delight your ears?

  i might hav known it.

  THE MOLESWORTH DAY-DREAM SERVICE 1

  Are you fatigued? Bored, run-down, depressed? Are Caesar and Labienus too much for you? Do the Gauls want to make you scream?

  The answer is simple.

  Help yourself to a MOLESWORTH DAY-DREAM. Simple, easy to operate. No gadgets. Just detach yourself from the hum-drum work of the class and stare out of the window with your mouth open.

  THE GRATE ST CUSTARD’S FLOOD

  Up Up Up the swirling waters rise steadily. The vegetable garden and playing fields are a sea of water old foopball boots float in the skool yard. Inside corridors and classrooms are deep in water. Another pair of foopball boots floats by with molesworth 2 beneath them.

  ‘That proves,’ i sa, reeling him in, ‘ that you are uterly wet.’

  In his study the headmaster sits at his desk with the waters rising to his nose.

  ‘What is it?’ he sa irritably at my knock.

  ‘Sir the skool is flooded.’

  ‘Go away boy don’t worry me report it to the master on duty.’

  At this point the waters gurgle into his pipe putting it out with a rore and hiss of steam. The matron, carried by the current, drifts in through the window. She smiles wanly but says nothing.

  ‘What is this molesworth?’ sa the headmaster. ‘If this is another of your jokes i warn you there may be serious konsequences.’

  At that moment a bust of Shakespeare falls upon his head.

  ‘Great Scott!’ he exclames. ‘What the Dickens is that?’ (Ha-Ha)

  Then he give a grate cry: ‘My kanes! They are drifting away.’

 
Too late the kanes join the swirling jetsam of beetles prunes sossages protractors bungies masters maps foopballs and conkers which hav risen like a scum to the surface. Stuned with his loss headmaster fall insensible.

  The galant boys, meanwhile, hav climbed upon floating blakboards benches and tubs. They punt peacefully across the skool yard. The chivalrous molesworth hav prudence entwhistle the beautiful under-matron upon his craft hem-hem

  PRUDENCE: How peaceful it is upon the waters nigel.

  ME: (blushing benethe my boater) i hav rather a nasty hack on my shin and can i have a clean handkerchief.

  PRUDENCE: Don’t let us talk of everyday things nigel. Am i beautiful

  ME: Gosh ur coo i mean to say gosh.

  (We glide benethe the green shade of a willow. There is silence.)

  ME: Prudence –

  PRUDENCE: Yes, nigel?

  ME: i think on the whole mumps are beter than measles.

  (With a strangled cry she thro the cucumber sandwiches at me.)

  Back at skool the headmaster, recovered, addresses the survivors.

  ‘It is not my rule,’ he sa, ‘to grant additional half-hols during termtime. As the waters are above the ceiling, however, work may stop after this period.’

  WOW! WIZZ! CHEERS! SUPER!

  WAM! A volume of Livy uneringly thrown strike my nose. It is followed by a piece of chalk into my open mouth. That is the worst of dreams. They fade and one must come back to reality chiz. Quibus quibus quibus but who cares?