How to be Topp

by Geoffrey Willans

  The Francais realy understand the art of LIFE don’t you agree, monsieur?

  Monsieur may not be fuled by this but it may lead to something. In fact it may lead to him teling you about his last holiday in Dieppe tho i would hav thought the less said about what he did there the beter. This may tempt a tiny eleve to get caried away and GO TOO FAR e.g. were there any mademoiselles hem-hem there, monsieur?

  No master like his name coupled with a GURL at least not by a garcon they are not pray to mortal passions. Next moment the whole class is back with Armand and M. Dubois and the other weeds in the fr. book, (leson 3 etre to be ect.)

  ALL ABOUT ARMAND

  Everyone kno that Armand is a wet becos he wear that striped shirt and sissy straw hat. In Lesson 6A Armand has just entered into the salle a manger from the jardin. He enter it not to pinch something to eat but to give Mama the jolies fleurs which he hav picked. Papa is pleased. Papa is not woried as he joly well ort to be at this base conduct. Papa is highly delited.

  ‘Thou art a good boy, Armand,’ he sa, ‘this afternoon i will take thee to the zoo.’

  Ahha you think Papa is not so dumb as he look he will thro Armand to the lions.

  ‘Are there any animals in the zoo?’ ask Armand.

  ‘Oh but yes,’ sa Papa without loosing his temper at this feeble question.

  ‘Houpla houpla i am so hapy.’

  Perhaps the lions are not bad enough perhaps it will hav to be the loups. The loups could indubitably do a good job on Armand. Is it with these thoughts that Papa go hand in hand with his little son? They pay ten sous. They pass through the turnstile. They enter into the zoological garden. They look around themselves.

  ‘How big the elephants are,’ observe Armand at length.

  ‘Yes and also the giraffes.’

  ‘The monkeys are amusings.’

  ‘O yes en effet and there is a fox.’

  ‘Foxes are naughtiest.’

  You wonder if it was noel coward who wrote the dialog it is so nervously brilliant my dear how long can it be before Papa do Armand. But it is not to be. They pass the loups and the lions but o hapen chiz xcept that Papa observe that the sky is blue altho it is sometimes grey. They go out of the turnstile and return home.

  ‘Next week we will go a la campagne,’ sa Papa.

  Now you can see what hav been going on. The zoo and the bord de la mer are too crowded. Get Armand by himself in a meadow and it is money for jam unless aunt beatrice goes along. Then Papa can do them both or they can watch the bees flit from flower to flower. It is up to him.

  ‘How big the elephants are,’ observe Armand

  A STRATAGEM HEM-HEM

  Altho fr. masters canot keep order they stick grimly to their task nothing seme to discourage them. It is a good wheeze then if you have a real Fr. boy in the class. Then you sa innocently

  What is it like in France, sir?

  France is quite exquisit molesworth the fine old wines of Burgundy the splendid food the gay wines of Champagne the cafes the railway stations the mice which love cheese and the trees which are pretty.

  Gosh sir really sir then it is just like the piktures in the fr. book?

  France molesworth do not hav beetles drawn all over it. Get on with your ex. boy.

  This is the time when you stick your compass into the real Fr. boy who jaber like a bren gun

  maymsieuestcequejaituailaspaparat ect. for 5 minits. Then there is silence you could here a piece of buble gum drop and fr master larff uneasily

  Come again le crapaud he sa come again.

  well you kno what it is once a fr. boy start you canot stop them becos they hav so much on their mind.

  i only venture to remark he sa that recevoir is a verb which is the invention of the english especially in the imperfect subjunc which the grate poet beaujolais rarely if ever used in his verses assur yourself of my distinguished sentiments ect.

  ‘Cor!’

  if i may have the pleasur of continuing i would sa deuxfrancsilserontbonmieuxmeileur ect.

  ‘EH?’

  etparcequequand and so it go on the trouble is that once a fr. boy start you canot stop him in fact you feel sory for the fr. master in a sort of way chiz. But fr. masters kno how to cope they unroll a huge pikture of a farmyard and point out a turkey.

  ‘What is the fr. for that, molesworth he sa.

  well i mean to sa the only one i kno on that picture is the little baby who is uterly wet he is stroking a sheep. No wonder the sheep look disgusted. Anyway no boy could admit that so my lips are sealed. Dinde dolt or dindon sa the fr. master back on the home ground after loosing away.

  In the midst of all these sordid transactions molesworth the magican switches off. His mouth open his plate fall out doodlebugs fall from his hair he rev the engines up and take off into the ether for another daydream.

  PAS DEVANT L’ENFANT WITH MOLES-WORTH THORTS

  GUIDE TO FRENCH BY GROWN UPS

  av-ez voo ach-et-ay le gin? have you bought the gin to replace that which we inadvertently finished last night? (m. thinks: i prefer the other brand reelly)

  VOTRE PERE est absolument la derriere. Your father is the absolute rock bottom. (m. thinks: the old music hall jokes how true how true)

  av-ez vu lu ce cas dans le newsoftheworld hav you read that shocking case in the news of the world? (Thinks: stale old bird.)

  voo-voo soo-ven-ez de la scan-dale de mrs higginbotham? You remember the scandal about mrs higginbothorn. (m. thinks: only too well only too well. Look at her husband you have to make allowances.)

  ce sacre cochon d’un menager de la banque. That hem-hem (swearing conduct mark) of a bank manager. (m. thinks: i don’t kno why all this fuss about bank managers. They are only doing their job. thriftlessness brings pane in its wake.)

  Quand attend-ell le bebe? When is she expecting the baby? (m. thinks: in about 3 weeks.)

  Gabbitas and Thring trap a young man and lead him off to be a master

  8

  EXTRA TEW

  No one but skoolboys kno what extra tew is extra lesons for bakward boys which keep aged masters out of the dog’s home becos they get paid for it and so they should. Most extra tew is about subjects you don’t kno e.g. lat. fr. algy. geom. hist. geog. bot. div. arith. But sometimes there is extra tew in littleknown subjects which are likely to be of advantage in that snug nitch in the foreign office hem-hem which is your pater and maters ambition for their hansome nigel ho ho look at me. This kind of extra tew is very special and include german, Scandinavian literature, deportment, debrett’s peerage, ruffs guide to the turf inter alia as we sa at brekfast. I hav never really had extra tew but i hav my spies and this is what goes on.

  SPANISH

  Nobody kno much about Spanish except the Spaniards whose beards are all singed and they are very proud and like sherry just as some others about this place whose names i will not mention. All this is the reason why you hav to lisp when you speke Spanish which make it all very dificult.

  thene: A hathienda. Enter don jereth de la frontera molethworth.

  A THERVANT: who ith it?

  DON JERETH: it ith only me ith ithabel ethpecting me?

  A THERVANT: Yeth.

  DON J.: O thuper!

  (he folowth the thervant)

  ithabel! my thoul-mate! ith there any therry in the house?

  ITHABEL: yeth. pour out 2 slugth and i will thip with thee.

  DON J.: thplendid! good thow! Cheerth! Over the fallth. (he drinkth) What ith that thound?

  ITHABEL: Thantoth it is my bro Thantoth thipping his therry. He ith thupping with uth.

  DON J.: (thwearing) Curseth!

  That is the sort of thing which hapens with Spanish and anyone who decide to kno about it is a fule.

  RUSIAN

  How many days till the end of term, o molesvitch 2? Some sa 20, others 90, little bro, is the fruit upon the aple tree in the orchard? Only the blosom so you will hav to wait a month or two before you can pinch them o measly weed it is 2006 miles to
Moscow. Who cares sa fotherington tomas from a corner of the room where he hav been trussed up who cares a row of butons. i love only robins. Unless you love robins father christmas will not bring you any presents. A volley of shots ring out. WAM! 900 robins bite the dust. That only leaves father christmas, i sa, how flat life is . . . . . .

  The swots tell me that rusian used to be like that chiz but it is all diferent now everybode is joly and at xmas time just when you are deciding whether to ask for a motor bike or a platinum watch an xciting envelop is pushed through the leter box.

  ‘How thrilling,’ sa molesworth 2 the youngest of the kiddies. ‘What can it be?’

  ‘It feels thrilling!’ i sa coyly just like the weeds in chater-box. ‘It may be a tiny toy from aunt drusila our very xciting aunt from north wales.’

  ‘Sometimes i think she is too xciting, dear nigel,’ sa molesworth 2 pensively. How jolly our xmas hols will be. Let us take the envelop to dear Mama and Dada.

  So saing he imprint 3 huge finger prints from his hary hand and skip awa to the kitchen folowed by his larffing elder bro. Dada is washing up in the sink Mama is peeling potatoes Liza dear fatheful liza the maid is smoking a cig over a cup of tea.

  ‘Mama mama,’ the 2 sturdy little felows cry, ‘Open our leter. Please open it.’

  Mama do as she is bid having put the potato knife out of temptation’s way. This is what she read:

  ‘How nice of Mr Malenkov!’ cry Mama. ‘Of course you can go!’

  ‘And may i wear my velveteen breeches and lace colar, mama?’

  Molesvitch

  ‘Wow!’ lisp wee molesworth 2 turning a somersault and the whole family join in the harty larff when he end in the dog bowl. Even towser bark but that was becos molesworth 2 had pinched his bone.

  At last the day come and the 2 little chaps drive off to the Kremlin in their best suits. You can imagine what they look like. Mr Malenkov stand beaming on the steps and waiting behind him are lots of kind uncles. You can imagine the fun they all had with the tommy guns before the sir roger de coverley start: the air is thick with cordite.

  ‘Children children,’ sa mr malenkov. ‘Not too rough before the musical chairs.’

  And so with flushed hapy faces the children join in the fun until it is time to go home.

  ‘Come along any time,’ said Mr Malenkov, as he sa goodbye, ‘and I will take you both for a ride.’

  That is about all there is to rusian but i supose it is more than enuff. Personaly i cant stand parties which hav dancing and eton colars and GURLS ugh. There seems to be some point in a party like that but it is too much to hope we can hav one at our home chiz. rat-tat i have 3 leters for ermintrude if she will come outside and get them BAM BIFF WALLOP folowed by SILENCE, i wouldn’t mind paing a forfeit for that.

  ADVANCED MATHS

  All maths is friteful and means O but if you are a grate brane you hear a tremendous xplosion at about the fifth lesson in trig. This mean that you are through the sound barier and maths hav become what every keen maths master tell you it can be i.e. a LANGWAGE. in my view this is just another of those whopers which masters tell i mean can you imagine peason and me at brake:

  MOLESWORTH: (taking a hack at the pill) x2 × y6 = a

  PEASON: Z8 – x3 = b

  MOLESWORTH: (missing completely) O, y99!

  As you will see it simply will not do i am prepared to believe that a strate line if infinitely protracted go on for ever tho i do not see how even that weed pythagoras can tell. But if maths is a langwage i hav only one coment It is

  I think that setles the mater.

  MUSIC LESSONS

  Kno Yore Instrument. This is the skool piano you kno the one which go WAM PLUNK BISH BASH ZUNK. It is a cranky old grid made by an old german called B.ch. . ei. co. . . .ldb. .rg. As you will see it hav a pair of brass flamethrowers and a bubble for a rear gunner. The loud pedal droped off when molesworth 2 pla ‘fairy bells’ and hav never been seen agane. Inside there are a lot of old marbles, cig cards, toy soldiers and dead goldfish. There are a lot of wooden things which tap up and down. I think that if it hav a rebore and new piston rings it would be a snip.

  The Lesson. It is easy pappy to be a grate player like molesworth 2 all you must do is recognise the notes. The fat ones you hav to hold for 4 secs. These are minims. There are a lot of weedy ones called quavers but it is difficult to get these in. There are also crotchets. I do not think anyone know this xcept mrs curwen. i can only tell you that if you get the whole lot of minims crotchets and quavers mixed up together it is like an atomic xplosion cheers cheers cheers.

  The Position. You canot pla the skool piano unless you are adjusted at the right height. You can sit upon a stool and zoom to the right. This takes you up through the ladies hats, hardware, toys and a few v. unsavoury sort of places until you canot get any higher. If you go the other way you go round and round at 90 m.p.h. until you are too giddy to see. When you are like this music mistress lay you out with a hamer and all is peaceful.

  The Choice. Wot will you pla? Fairy Bells ripling brook spring dances or scotish capers. You hav a long way to go before you can swing chiz like the last music mistress who was lost without trace when piano xploded.

  WAM now nigel pla low C Bonk candlestick shoot into air BISH swing it baby swing it BASH PLUNK ZUNK. Give it xpresion it is a brook. La-la-la and a one BUNK two ZUNK 3 PLUNK – la-la-la the left finger. THE LEFT la-la-la – – well, eh, you see wot i mean? 3 trillion boos to tchkovsky.

  9

  HOW TO BE TOPP IN ALL SUBJEKTS

  The Molesworth Self-Educator

  Directions. Take pencil in the right hand, revolve three times with eyes shut and DAB. You are bound to be right sooner or later.

  The Molesworth Bogus Report

  Directions: Fill in the name and post on first day of hols.

  Destroy reel report when it comes along.

  10

  HOW TO COPE WITH GROWN UPS

  Grown ups are wot is left when skool is finished. Masters are not really grown ups they are ha-ha just spoilt children who hav to hav their own way. You kno where you are with them. One is strict another wheezes through his false teeth, a third teaches geom and a fourth teaches Less than O he just wanders about.

  It is not the same with Grown Ups who were always perfect when they were young. e.g.

  WHEN I WAS A BOY I WOULD NOT HAV DARED TO SPEAK TO MY FATHER LIKE THAT.

  Well, you kno what this means becos obviously this is what really hapned to your pater.

  Scene: An old stone breakfast table about 1066 A.D. Your pater), then known as litle Cedric, is sitting down to his groats poor little dear when the old man Horible arive breathing through his beard.

  HORIBLE (rubbing his hands): Good morning, good morning, good morning. What mammoth agane?

  SPOUSE: It is very nice, my dear. Shall i pour you yore BEER?

  HORIBLE: Yes, yes. Goodmorning, Cedric.

  CEDRIC: YAR boo and sucks.

  SPOUSE: Do not speak to your father like that, Cedric, or you will go strate to your cave. Hav you finished your groats.

  CEDRIC: Yes, Mama.

  SPOUSE: Then get on with your egg. And stop playing with the brontosaurus at breakfast.

  HORIBLE: Yes, stop playing with the bronto –

  SPOUSE: Don’t buly the child let him get on.

  HORIBLE (meekly): Yes, my dear.

  (A pause while HORIBLE opens the newspaper and the brontosaurus springs across the table.)

  HORIBLE: We are losing the test match, Cedric. Gaul hav made 2900 for 2.

  CEDRIC: So what?

  HORIBLE: i only –

  CEDRIC: You are a sily old man who couldn’t lift a cucumber.

  HORIBLE: i –

  CEDRIC (chanting): Silly old daddy couldn’t hurt a flea.

  SPOUSE: Stop interupting and playing with the child. For heavens sake let him get on with his egg.

  CEDRIC: Yar yar yar.

  (The brontosaurus springs at HO BIBLE’S plate an
d eats his mammoth. In despair HORIBLE go to the office.)

  So you see how it was.

  Maters hav a diferent approach and they are very keen on maners ect which include not throing bungie, making lakes of treacle in the porridge, flicking bread pelets at molesworth 2 grabing the sugar, slashing gravy rivers through potatoes, reading the back of your pater’s Times, imitating a baboon, striking your next door neighbour ect ect.

  In fact you are xpected to be xactly like wee tim especially when mater’s grate skool friend mabel entwhisde (prothero that was) pay a visit with her tiny dorter chiz chiz chiz. On that morning all boys cats dogs parots sparos and owls are turned into the garden while house is polished and mabel entwhisde’s foto is brought out of the boxroom. Boys glue their noses against windows and are finaly admited.

  ‘Do not the house look luvly, nigel,’ sa yore mater.

  ‘But it never look like this reely it is just an empty facade.’

  ‘O.K.,’ sa yore mater. ‘But let’s keep it that way, see? Otherwise there’s liable to be trubble. Look at yore knees.’

  i do not kno why boys are always told to look at their knees it is dashed dificult. In fact the only way is to lie on yore back and pull yore knees up. Maters, however, are liable to get batey if you do tins in the sitting room just before ma entwhistle arive becos they see wot is on the soles of yore shoes. Too repulsive, my dear.

  Procedure. Ho to the bathroom. Out flanel and wipe geting most off. Brush front of hair and leave back. Gaze in miror at yore strange unatural beauty. Report hopefully. Back agane. Scrub nails. Leave tap runing and soap in bottom of basin. Sa look at ickle pritty to molesworth 2 who hav to put on blue corduroys cheers cheers cheers cheers. Report back and granted certificate of hygene (ist Class Honours) also gold medal antwerp exhibition 1899.