Scarred Survival (Scarred Series Book 5)

by Jackie Williams

  Hysterical laughter resounded around the room yet again, but they soon quietened when there was a knock at the door.

  A red eyed Geraldine walked in with a false smile pinned to her face.

  “I heard you were ‘ere, Gemma. I ‘ave some things that you might like to try. Since ‘aving Luc I cannot fit into them any longer. Come up when you are finished and you can see if there’s anything you would like.”

  Gemma slid to the side of the bed and grabbed up her jeans.

  “I can come now if you like. Delphine has stopped torturing me for the moment and she needs a break from my wailing before she has a go at trying to fix my nails and my face.”

  Geraldine looked surprised until Delphine pointed to the used wax strips that she had yet to put in the bin. She nodded in understanding.

  “Well, at least you won’t need it done again for another four weeks.”

  Gemma nearly exploded as she rounded on the smiling beautician.

  “Four weeks! Is that all? You cannot tell me that you all go through this every single month. I’m beginning to think I’d prefer to look like an ape.”

  Geraldine’s gave a genuine smile at last.

  “You get used to it. And after several years the ‘air doesn’t grow back anyway so it is all worth it.”

  Gemma rolled her eyes.

  “I think I’ll wear trousers for the rest of my life, seems like the less painful option.”

  Geraldine looked at her carefully.

  “Yes, but sometimes the least painful option is not the right one. Sometimes one has to have a little pain in order to find future pleasure. Neither Ellen, Lucy, Amy or I would have found such wonderful ‘usbands if they ‘adn’t experienced the worst first.”

  Gemma picked up her bag and headed for the door.

  “That’s true, but I’m doing this for me. I’m not looking for a husband. I’m not even looking for romance. I just want to feel feminine. I’ve been out of the Army for two years, but I was in for ten. I think I’ve forgotten how to look womanly.”

  Geraldine smiled at her.

  “And so you shall become a lady again. Come upstairs and we can go through all the things I have put aside. I’m sure there are several outfits that will fit you.”

  Gemma left the château two hours later, her hair looking the best it had done in years, her body silky smooth and her nails sporting a perfect French manicure.

  With the boot of her car full of new clothes, she had to admit that it had been fun trying everything on, but she had no idea where she was going to be able to wear some of the beautiful silk dresses.

  Geraldine had insisted that she had originally bought them to wear everyday with calf length boots and chunky cardigans, but Gemma couldn’t see herself ever being as glamorous as David’s beautiful wife and was afraid that she wouldn’t be able to carry the look off. She had felt bad about accepting the fabulous clothes for nothing, though Geraldine insisted that she wanted no payment. Gemma eventually assuaged her guilt by convincing herself that, as Ellen was far too small and Lucy far too curvaceous, Amy would probably be the ideal candidate to take a few items off her hands, though she wondered why Geraldine hadn’t offered them to Paul’s wife in the first place.

  Gemma wasn’t sure that she was looking forward to the night ahead. Ellen had insisted that Gemma and all the guests at the rehabilitation centre were to dress for dinner from that night onwards. She had already discussed the idea with Amy and she had agreed that it was a good plan. Gemma could only imagine the looks on the faces of the men when they found out that their usual attire of tracksuit bottoms and t-shirts would no longer be acceptable at their evening meal.

  Ben and Karl greeted her with curious frowns as they both stood with arms folded across their chests, at the château entrance. Ben was the first to move. He walked down the wide steps and opened her car door before she’d had time to turn the engine off.

  “Where have you been all day? We missed you! What’s all this dressing for dinner stuff? Do you know anything about it? Was it your idea?” He demanded without preamble.

  Gemma sighed deeply as she turned off the car and reached over for her handbag.

  “You have to be joking! Can you see me dressing up, ever?” She shook her head. “It’s an idea of Ellen’s and Amy has already agreed it. I went over to see Geraldine and ask if I could borrow some clothes as I don’t have anything very dressy myself.” She brazened out the white lie as she climbed out of the car. She closed her eyes and prepared to do battle as she heard a quick intake of breath. “Look guys, it wasn’t my idea but I think it’s a good one. You have to admit that we look like a bunch of slobs most of the time.” She wasn’t really up to persuading them. She wanted to get inside, put the extravagant clothes in her wardrobe and forget about most of them.

  She opened her eyes again when she heard Karl swear.

  “Well, shit me! What the hell happened to you?” He stared wide eyed at her newly styled hair.

  Gemma scowled miserably. Why she had ever thought that they wouldn’t notice the changes was beyond her. After all, it was only Paul and William who had problems with their sight. She might have guessed that Ben and Karl would never keep their mouths shut anyway.

  “It needed a good trim. All the salt air was giving me split ends,” she defended herself as she mumbled into the gravel at her feet.

  Ben took a step nearer to her. He raised a finger to her chin and lifted it. He looked at her face curiously.

  “Did the salt air do something to your face too or did one of the girls up at the hotel get hold of you? Your eyes look different. Wider or something.” He had clearly noticed Delphine’s talent at shaping badly plucked eyebrows.

  Gemma felt her cheeks begin to heat. She pulled away from Ben and ignored the two men as she walked to the back of the car and popped the boot. Cascades of soft material wafted in the breeze. She huffed out a breath. There were far too many outfits for her to carry. She’d be drowned in the silks before she’d walked half a dozen paces. She looked back at the two, now clearly amazed, men.

  “As you two are both here you can stop loitering about and help me in with this lot. Say a single word about any of it and you’re both dead,” she hissed and glared at them as she lifted the tailgate. She jumped as she felt a warm hand rest gently on her shoulder.

  “Let me. I think I can get this in one load.”

  Her head jerked up as Aaron leaned into the packed boot space and lifted the numerous hangers in one hand while he draped the yards of silk over his other arm.

  Ben whistled gently between his teeth as he saw some of the diaphanous materials. He dug his elbow into Karl’s side and winked.

  “Maybe I’m going to rethink this dressing up idea, but only if we have some cocktails and serve vol-u-vents for a starter.”

  Karl’s eyes were still wide as he first looked Gemma and then the dresses, up and down.

  “Sod the starters. I want Gemma served as my main course. And I want dancing after! Bagsy first waltz!” The admiration was clear in his tone.

  Gemma felt the heat rise in her cheeks yet again. Were these two battle hardened men actually complimenting her? She could scarcely believe it. She took a nervous glance up at Aaron who stood patiently at her side. There was nothing in his expression that said he’d noticed anything different about her and her momentary delight suddenly disappeared.

  She walked up the steps to the entrance and Karl immediately swept the door open in front of her. Not to be outdone, Ben nearly tripped over his own prosthetic leg in his haste to open the inner door. She rolled her eyes while the two of them stood at the bottom of the stairs and stared upwards as Aaron followed her up to her room.

  Gemma was beginning to feel a little uncomfortable with Aaron’s silence as he walked beside her along the corridor. She was about to turn and take the clothes from his arms when he muttered,

  “Idiots. Like they never noticed before.”

  Gemma stopped outside her door.

/>   “Never noticed what?” She asked as she turned the handle and walked into her room.

  “Like they never noticed how beautiful you are even without your hair done...Where do you want these?” He stood staring down at her as she gasped in surprise at his words.

  She shook her head quickly.

  “I’m not beautiful.”

  Aaron’s lips turned up at the corner as he snorted.

  “I may have lost some of my faculties and suffered a few broken bones what with being shot down twice in my life, but fortunately my eyesight is still perfect.” He lay the clothes on the bed and glanced over his shoulder at her.

  She turned away as unexpected tears stung her eyes at his words, but she caught sight of herself in the dresser mirror. She could see that her hair had been done beautifully. The curls were still there but not quite so abandoned and the style lay more softly on her face. Her eyes were a little brighter and her cheeks glowed, defined with a smear of highlighter. Her lips were a soft pink colour and she ran her tongue across them to test the feel as she smiled. They were surprisingly soft and plump. She couldn’t see the rest of her body, now hairless and smooth but she could smell the delicate scent of the oils Delphine had used, comforting and soothing her skin. Her smile became wider, but it dropped as she suddenly noticed the bulges in her shirt.

  Nothing could change the ugly knobbles beneath her top where the straps of her prosthetic held her arm in place. She closed her eyes and could see exactly what her body looked like when naked. The rounded stump of flesh and chopped off bone seared into her vision and she let out a great heaving sob.

  She’d never cried about it before, never dwelled on the loss, never thought about how it would change the image of herself but now, with the reaction of the two men downstairs and Aaron telling her that she was beautiful, she could think only of how imperfect she looked. Lopsided. Incomplete. Ugly.

  She turned slightly so that she couldn’t see her missing limb. She tried to convince herself that it was only an arm. Nothing she couldn’t cope without. It wasn’t like it stopped her from doing anything. It wasn’t as though she had faced living the rest of her life in a wheelchair after having her legs blown off or having her face mangled by fire or shrapnel or acid.

  For the first time she wondered how on earth David, Patrick and all of the men who had lost limbs or their looks or their senses, had ever coped. Did they deny it to themselves as well or had they this super human power to accept it all? She’d thought she was different as her injury had never seemed to bother her before, but now she could see that her reaction was only delayed.

  It was only after she left the services that anyone ever really noticed her disability. She hadn’t had time to dwell on it while still serving her country. There were so many people with bits missing in the services that no one took any notice, but now there was suddenly more time to think about it than she wanted and even with the walls she had built around herself it was harder to ignore than she had imagined. She suddenly realized that her own heart had become defended by a wall her own senses slammed into.

  She stared at the reflection of all Geraldine’s beautiful dresses cascading over her bed and she sobbed even harder. Why on earth had she brought them back here? There was no way she could wear even half of them. Many had strappy tops with nothing to cover her prosthetic limb. Her breath shuddered in her throat as she realized that she hadn’t worn anything sleeveless since she’d lost her arm.

  A movement in the mirror caught her eye, but before she had time to react Aaron was behind her, his hands on her shoulders turning her towards him and suddenly she was in his arms, held tightly against the solid wall of his chest.

  He brought his chin down and tucked the top of her head under it as his fingers spread though her curls, massaging the back of her head. His tenderness was too much. The tidal wave broke, crashing over her emotions and racing unstoppably up the shore. There was nothing she could do to stop it. No one had ever held her like this, not saying anything, not doing anything, only holding her and keeping her whole as her heart splintered beneath her breast.

  She couldn’t say how long they stood together, but when she eventually blinked the salty tears away, she noticed that her room was almost dark.

  She took a huge gulp of air and stepped back. Aaron released her immediately.

  “Sorry,” she said quietly and tried to wipe her eyes against her sleeve.

  Aaron shook his head as he handed her a tissue from the box on her bedside table.

  “You have nothing to be sorry for.” His voice was husky, as though choked with his own emotions.

  She gave a small, embarrassed laugh and blew her nose.

  “No, of course not.” The words sounded more sarcastic than she meant them. “Good grief! I’m the one meant to be helping you lot, not the other way around. If Paul or Amy hears of this I could lose my position.” She didn’t really believe that she would, but she couldn’t think what else to say. She felt more awkward by the moment.

  Aaron quirked up a lip.

  “Well, they won’t hear anything from me, so unless you’re going to go and make some idiotic sort of confession, I shouldn’t worry about it.”

  She snorted a laugh and then let out a deep, calming breath.

  “Okay, enough of this stupidity. I need to get hold of myself. Crying certainly isn’t going to make anything any better.”

  Aaron raised an eyebrow.

  “You’re right there, but it sometimes helps to let it out. Have you ever talked to anyone about it or had any counselling?”

  Gemma pulled another tissue from the box and sniffed into it.

  “A bit, I suppose. We all have to go to a certain amount of sessions before they’ll let us back out on duty, but I didn’t really feel that I needed them. I mean, what was the point? Nothing is going to make a limb grow back and no one was going to take any blame for the loss though I was told that it was pilot error which grounded us.” She wiped her eyes and blew her nose again. “I made one stupid mistake by hitching that ride, but not as big as the one the he made. If that damned idiot hadn’t tried to play the hero, he and seven others would still be alive and I would have all my limbs intact.” She could hear the bitterness in her tone as she spoke. She had never realized how much she had resented that pilot.

  Aaron brought his eyebrows together.

  “Played hero? What do you mean? What did he do?”

  Gemma breathed in deeply, her anger building as she recounted the day that had changed her life.

  “I mean that he didn’t have to do anything at all, but no, the pilot wanted to grab the limelight, be a hero. He should have left it for the rescue boys. They would have only been a couple of minutes longer.” She looked up into his concerned face as he let out a small grunt.

  “Maybe the guy had information that you didn’t know about. I can’t imagine any pilot diverting from his course on a whim. We wouldn’t normally do that so there had to be a good reason why he did.”

  Gemma felt her insides churn. She knew that she wasn’t being entirely fair.

  “I know he had a reason, but he didn’t have to act on it. He had others to consider, not just himself.” She paused and cleared her throat before she carried on with the story. “I was just hitching a ride with some medic guy who had come back off leave. It was going to save us about three hours in a dusty, sweaty jeep, but the pilot picked up a mayday call and diverted to pick up a stranded team. One of the guys had been shot in the leg and was pretty out of it. The others were furious that they had been led into some sort of trap. Well, that’s how they made it sound. I seem to remember them all looking pretty uncomfortable about the whole thing and then the next moment the pilot was yelling about missile fire, but that can’t have been right as we were over our own airspace. The pilot chucked us about the sky and I ended up caught in one of the webbing gear holders. I tried to release myself but there was this sudden weird noise pinging noise and we were going down. I didn’t have time to th
ink after that. I didn’t find out until later, but it turns out that we hit some pretty unforgiving rocks on landing. Snapped the tail right over the top of the cabin. Rotor blade ended up sheering off and coming in through the damned open door. The medic had his head severed and the rest of the rescued team was effectively turned into mincemeat right in front of my eyes. I thought it was coming straight for me but the webbing slipped and I fell a couple of feet. Last thing I saw was my arm dangling from the canvas and me about ten feet away. Makes me sweat to think about it.” She gave an involuntary shudder. “I don’t remember much more of what happened after that. I just woke up in hospital with a million tubes sticking out of me...” She stopped as Aaron gulped. “What’s the matter? Are you okay?” She trailed off as she noticed Aaron’s expression.

  His lips had become tight white, his square jaw hardened and the colour drained from his face. He limped quickly out of the door and Gemma peered out curiously after him. She saw him clamp his hand over his mouth as he slammed open his own door further down the corridor and then she heard the sound of violent retching. Gemma waited a few seconds before she followed him into his room, wishing that she hadn’t gone into such graphic detail about the crash, but there was no help for it now. There was no one in the main bedroom. She turned as she heard more uncomfortable noises. Aaron had closed the bathroom door behind him. She gave quick knock.

  “Hey, Aaron. You okay? I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

  There was some muttered mumblings and clearing of his throat before Aaron choked back through the door.

  “I’m fine. Images in my head. All those men! Awful!”

  She gently twisted the door handle. It was locked. She jumped back as there was some more harsh gagging. It carried on for endless minutes before it gradually lessened to a complete stop. She guessed that he must have been down to the bile.

  She heard some gargling, water running and then, a few seconds later, the bolt slid back on the door.

  Gemma stepped back as he came out of the bathroom. Aaron kept his eyes down. He skin had a green and sweaty tinge. He coughed slightly and then met her dark eyes with his own aqua gaze.