The Insect Rosary

by Sarah Armstrong

‘I tried.’

  ‘No, Nancy. You were a slave to vanity. You wanted to be adored and, more importantly, you wanted everyone else to know that you were adored. There is only one kind of love worth having, and that isn’t from a man.’ She held her rosary still now but it seemed to tremble in her hands.

  Nancy said, ‘Look, every girl, every child wants to be loved. That’s why people get together and have children, that’s the whole point. People want to be loved. Most people. I didn’t know.’ Nancy rubbed her face and then sat forward on the chair, resting her arms on her knees. ‘I didn’t know. I was stupid. She spoke to me, Bernie spoke to me and said she wants to know the truth, but she doesn’t. She wants what she believes to be confirmed and I can’t. I couldn’t stop it. It wasn’t my fault that she went mad. I was just a bit of it.’

  She waited for Agatha to say something, but she just looked at her beads.

  ‘It was the counsellor she ended up with. She’d trained at this stupid course and encouraged Bernie to remember things that never happened. She had a breakdown, that was all, because of what happened when the car broke down, and the counsellor made everything worse. It wasn’t anything I did. She said I could have made people believe her but I couldn’t have. She wasn’t making any sense, was she? Dad was with her in the car, and look what she ended up saying about him.’

  Agatha picked up her cup and sipped it dry.

  ‘The farm’s fine,’ said Nancy. ‘Donn’s well.’ She picked up her cup.

  ‘No he isn’t. He’s selling up and he’ll never be well again.’

  Nancy put the cup down again. ‘Is he ill? Is that why he’s selling?’

  ‘Not physically ill. Spiritually.’ Agatha nodded to herself or an unknown being. There was a burst of laughter from somewhere within the building. Agatha frowned and crossed herself.

  Nancy said, ‘Why did you say Donn is spiritually sick? Did you really all know about your brother?’

  ‘“Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!”’

  ‘You know we’ve found a body? Bernie thinks it’s Ryan. I think it’s Ryan. It’s all coming out, Agatha.’

  ‘Only God can separate the light from the darkness. Whatever is found has nothing to do with Bernadette. Nancy, people always blame the last straw for being the one that broke the camel’s back. But what about the million straws that somebody had already placed there? People cope with all kinds of situations if they know they can rely on somebody.’

  Nancy waited for an answer to come. She felt her legs wobble and placed both feet flat on the floor.

  ‘Why is it that you call Donn sick and you can be a nun?’

  ‘I confessed and have been forgiven.’ Agatha crossed herself. ‘Think on that, Nancy. The only person you need to tell is God and he will forgive you. No-one else needs to know. No-one else would understand what a silly, selfish girl you were in the way He does. It’s between you and Him. Here, I have a gift for you.’ She put her hand into her pocket and pulled out a string of beads. ‘Say your rosary and pray for guidance.’

  Nancy took it and poured the beads into one hand. It felt like a centipede. The beads were made from dark wood, like fat, polished apple seeds.

  ‘Think of your mother. Think of Beth. Think of the promise you made to me to look after Donn. Think of everyone but yourself. What you could say to Bernadette can only make her worse. There is nothing you can say that will make her better. She has her own sins to seek forgiveness for.’

  ‘Like what?’

  ‘Most of the commandments.’

  Nancy clenched her teeth. ‘Not murder though? Not murder, Agatha. You welcomed the devil into your house and fed him.’

  She looked at Nancy with pride. ‘But, Nancy, that’s all I did with him.’

  Nancy’s hands tightened on the beads.

  ‘I promised to look after Donn, no matter what, and I did. I didn’t turn from my duties, like you. You didn’t look after your sister, but you can’t punish everyone else for that. Be loving, Nancy, confess your sins and forgive us all.’

  Agatha’s face reminded Nancy of the nameless dog. She stumbled to her feet and banged against the table.

  ‘Give your mother my address will you? I’d like to hear from her.’

  Nancy breathed hard before answering. ‘She’s got it. Shall I give her your phone number?’

  ‘I don’t use the phone now. Just my address, Nancy. Something for me to remember her by.’

  Nancy closed the door behind her. The hallway was silent again. She turned left and followed the turns past all those closed doors until she reached the front door. She twisted the door handle. It didn’t open. Panicked, she twisted it the other way and then, harder, both ways. The tears began to come back and she bit her lip hard and let go.

  Her mum saying before she dies. Bernie saying before she dies. Agatha, horrible Agatha, wanting a memento. She realised that her mother was dying, not being dramatic. And then what would happen to Dad? Who would care for him after she’d gone?

  She had to get back to Bernie. She swallowed hard and wiped her eyes.

  There were two locks. She turned the Yale lock with her left hand and the door knob with her right, and stepped out into the sunshine. She opened her hand to look at the rosary beads. She saw the barn and insects and the rosary beads held tight in Bernie’s cold hand.

  33

  Then

  Nancy’s last words this morning echoed around my head.

  ‘Behave yourself, Bernadette.’

  As if.

  I thought about when I’d seen Tommy. It was rarely two days together. There was usually one or two days in between them. So, if I’d seen him yesterday I wouldn’t see him today. Dad was coming the day after next and then I wouldn’t see Tommy at all. So, he wouldn’t be here today, but probably would be tomorrow. And before Dad came, I would look at the missing part of the circle that Dad had mapped out.

  Even in England Dad liked to get out into fields, but there weren’t many stones near us. He had a metal detector and everything. Some people didn’t like him having it. They thought it made him a thief. I thought that if he found something they didn’t even know was there, if wasn’t really stealing. Anyway I’d seen him find things and he always showed the farmers, who turned up their noses and said, ‘If it’s not worth money you can have it.’ It might be half a belt buckle or a button, but it hadn’t been worth money very often. I got a bit bored when I realised there wasn’t going to be any real treasure even though he said it was precious. I had even seen it and not noticed. That’s when he explained to me about the field, how he thought it was a bigger and more important Giant’s Ring, cut into sections by later roads and hedgerows. Mum didn’t care what he thought it was. She said it was up to Donn and Agatha what went on their fields. They hadn’t had pylons and they weren’t going to have scientists and historians and signposts, and he had no right to tell them otherwise. If anyone turned up they’d know who to blame, and anyway, they all knew that their great grandfather had put the stones there and that was that.

  Last summer I had crossed the road with Dad to look in the other fields for large stones in the walls around the field. Dad said that’s most likely where they would have put them. It was hard to see though because there were often hedges too, or brambles or gorse that had grown to like the shelter of the wall and clung to it. Now that Nancy was busy I decided I would work harder at this and hand all of my work to Dad when he came over.

  Nancy wasn’t around. I didn’t know if she was with Tommy or Catriona or some other exciting adult, and I didn’t care. As I didn’t have Nancy, I took Bruce. I stumbled over the cow grill at the bottom of the drive and crossed the road. I wasn’t going to go straight in the field. I would keep watch, especially for Nancy who would love to have something to tell Tommy. Bruce followed, his nails clicking on the tarmac. I opened the gate opposite and crouched down to see any dip and rise in the field. Bruce nuzzled at my hand for a stroke. I stroked him twice,
then raced Bruce to the middle of the field and looked back towards the road.

  I seemed to be higher up here, but the slope was too gradual to mark out with the eye. The long grass didn’t help. The sheep would be moved here next once they’d eaten all the grass in Bryn’s field and after that it would probably be clearer. If it was there at all. I sat down with Bruce, who immediately flipped over onto his back with two legs in the air. I rubbed his belly as I looked back towards the house, not seeing any of it past the hedges and trees that were thick in front of it.

  I made my decision and stood up. Tommy knew about last time because I used the gate near the barns. If I used the gate on the road he wouldn’t see me.

  ‘Come on,’ I said. Bruce ran back to the gate and waited for me, even though he could wriggle through. I always left the farm desperate for a dog of my own, a clever and obedient dog who wouldn’t snap or bark unless he was supposed to. He sat as I looked at the road, followed me across and waited by the next gate. I wondered about him coming into the field. He would behave, but the sheep might run away like idiots anyway and let someone know we were there.

  ‘Slowly,’ I said, and fastened the gate back up. He waited next to me, his eyes on the sheep who all watched us. A couple moved away but the rest looked like they were holding their breath. I walked to the stones and sat down. So did Bruce. The sheep went back to eating, but Bruce didn’t fall onto his back. He watched them because they expected him to. I held my hand out to the stones. Dad always did that. I used to think he was working out what kind of stone it was by the temperature, but now I think he just liked touching something so old. It was cool, rough with moss in places.

  I stood slowly and looked at the dropped top stone, the uprights pushed out of line. The top stone had dipped but hadn’t fallen right down and I crouched down to see how much space was underneath it. There was something there, something black with a slight sheen. I reached out to feel what it was and then got scared and snatched my hand back. We’d seen Tommy here with a black bag. I didn’t want to know.

  I walked fast, as slowly as I could, to the gate. I slapped my leg for Bruce, but he was already ahead of me. I fumbled the nylon but was finally the other side and hooking it back. I glanced at the sheep. I could see a figure standing by the shed gate, next to the cows. The figure lifted an arm and saluted me. I’d been caught.

  I walked back to the front garden, slipping again on the grill, and hid in the rhododendrons with Bruce until I was called in for dinner.

  ‘I’m not well,’ I told Mum, holding my stomach. ‘Can I just go to bed?’

  She placed her hand on my forehead. ‘Are you sure you don’t want to eat a little bit?’

  I saw Nancy behind her, smiling. ‘No thanks.’

  ‘OK, I’ll come up and see you soon.’

  I lay down and tried and tried and tried to sleep but I could only see one thing when I closed my eyes.

  I was woken by Nancy poking me in the back. I raised my head.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Tommy wants to see you.’

  I sat up. ‘What do you mean? Why?’

  ‘You know why.’

  I buried my head back in the pillow.

  I would talk to Mum in the morning. I would get her to ask Dad to come early. Whatever happened I would keep away from Tommy.

  I didn’t get back to sleep until I’d heard everyone go to bed. I thought about sneaking out of the room and getting into Mum’s bed, but couldn’t bear to open the door into the darkness, let alone step out into it.

  34

  Now

  Nancy looked for Bernie when she got back, but couldn’t find her. She’d seen the kids out the front with Elian. Adrian was cleaning out the car with a handheld vacuum.

  ‘Where’s Bernie?’ she shouted above the hum. He shrugged.

  She wasn’t there. Not downstairs or upstairs. Nancy thought of the hay loft and went past the barns, through the yard still heaped with junk. They hadn’t even moved that much of it.

  She saw the gate was open. The gate Tommy had leaned on. Bernie had gone to see Tommy. Somehow she knew.

  Nancy hadn’t put on boots for the search and could feel the mud seeping into her socks as she half ran past the silo. She persuaded herself she was wrong, that Bernie wouldn’t go alone, and looked for her in the fields on the way and paused on the bridge to look over the hedges. There was no sign of her. She carried on to Tommy’s farm.

  She heard the dogs barking and followed the sound. Bernie was shouting somewhere outside, but it sounded like the dogs were inside. Nancy stopped. She saw Bernie standing in a barn and, sitting on a bale, Tommy. He was smiling.

  ‘We’ve found the body!’ Bernie said, her hands open. ‘You can’t deny a body.’

  They both turned as they heard Nancy running towards them.

  ‘Bernie, what are you doing?’ she said.

  Bernie’s eyes were wide and her lashes were clumped with dried tears.

  ‘I’m so sick of waiting, Nancy. I need to know.’

  ‘Need to know what?’ asked Tommy, looking at Nancy.

  Her stomach turned over.

  Bernie said, ‘I need to know that you killed Ryan. I need to know why. I need to know that what I remember is true, the stones, the barn, the gun.’

  ‘You do know, Bernie,’ said Nancy, touching her shoulder.

  Bernie moved away. ‘I know it’s true but I need to hear someone else say it.’ She turned to Tommy. ‘Just say it! It’s not about the police or justice or anything like that, it’s just for me.’

  ‘Yeah, Nancy,’ said Tommy, ‘why don’t you just say it?’

  ‘She’s told me enough,’ said Bernie.

  ‘But not everything.’ Tommy crossed his legs. He was so calm, so confident. The anger bubbled up from Nancy’s stomach.

  ‘Not everything,’ Nancy said. ‘She’s right, though, isn’t she? It was all down to you.’

  ‘So,’ Tommy gestured to Bernie, ‘go ahead. Tell her everything you know.’

  Nancy turned to Bernie, ‘Did he tell you anything? Did he tell you that he kissed me? I was twelve. And did he do anything else?’ She looked at Tommy. ‘Did you?’

  He looked confused. His eyes flicked to the farmhouse.

  ‘So, he may be very cool about being a freedom fighter and all that shit, but a paedophile?’

  Tommy stood and his smiled faded. ‘Hey, hold on.’

  Bernie smiled. ‘Quite a reaction there, Tommy. There wasn’t a flicker when I called you a murderer.’

  ‘It was nothing like that,’ he said.

  Nancy tilted her head to one side. ‘Not in the eighties, maybe. But now? It’s seen quite differently now, isn’t it Bernie?’

  She nodded.

  ‘Just fucking wait there,’ he said.

  ‘Paedophile.’ Nancy tapped her fingers against her lips. ‘That’s something that could destroy a family man. That’s something that could destroy any kind of reputation.’

  ‘It wasn’t anything like that. It wasn’t anything to give a name like that to.’

  ‘So, you took a twelve year old girl out in a car under the pretence of giving her driving lessons for what reason, then?’

  He looked towards the house again.

  ‘You have a daughter, don’t you, Tommy? These things affect everyone, these labels that never wash off. Your daughter will always be that pervert’s daughter and your son will have to move away. It’s not fair, but that’s how it goes.’

  His hands flexed in front of him.

  ‘Only it’s so easy now to tell people things. We could have a website up and running in a day letting everyone know about you and your – preferences.’ Nancy turned to Bernie. ‘Have you got your phone on you? We could take a picture for it.’

  Bernie patted down her pockets. ‘We’ll have to come back.’

  ‘What the fuck do you want from me?’ he asked Nancy. ‘She wants fairytales, but what do you get out of this?’

  ‘Oh, I don’t know.’ She
looked at him. ‘Don’t buy the farm?’

  He snorted.

  ‘I’m quite happy to feature on this website, you know. I don’t need to prove anything. I live abroad, it’s going to be a local whirlwind. All those instances in the past that people covered up or turned away from. All those glances you thought went unnoticed. They’ll snowball.’

  Bernie nodded. ‘Doesn’t take much.’

  Tommy walked up to Nancy and spat at her feet. ‘You’ll pay.’ Up close, his thinning hair and drawn cheeks made him look less frightening. He looked old.

  She managed not to cry or cringe or run. ‘You haven’t aged well, Tommy.’

  He walked from the barn and towards the house.

  ‘Do you think we should go before the dogs come?’ said Bernie.

  ‘Yes. Or the shotgun.’

  They walked quickly to the gate and then ran down the road. Pausing at the bridge they looked behind them. There was nothing but the sound of distant barking. They smiled at each other and caught their breath.

  ‘That was probably a bit stupid,’ said Bernie.

  ‘Probably. What the hell were you thinking trying to get him to talk? Men like him don’t last long if they can’t keep their mouths shut.’

  ‘What about you? Paedophile? He wasn’t expecting that!’ Bernie began to laugh and then stopped. ‘He didn’t –’

  ‘No, he didn’t. It was three kisses.’

  Bernie shuddered.

  ‘I know.’

  They started to walk back. Nancy thought of the places she and Bernie had played and shivered – the hay loft, the dilapidated stables, the field next to the sheep dip, the lanes with their blind corners. She thought she even remembered daring Bernie to jump as hard as she could on the metal disc which covered the well. A well so deep they had never been allowed to even look down it. Bernie wouldn’t have done it though. Then again, Nancy had been able to persuade her to do quite a lot.

  She realised she didn’t want the farm at all. She wanted to be at the farm with Bernie. She wanted to be a child again and play in the hay loft and stroke cows and make plans with Bernie. Everything she thought she’d felt about the farm was really about them.