The Ties That Bind Us: (The Ties Duet Part One)

by Danda K.

  ;) -Jax

  From the carousel to the gazebo, and unfortunately, to the bathroom, everything is still such a blur. When I took my shower, I turned the water hot, hoping it would somehow burn the remnants of that guy from my body.

  I was attacked by a homicidal sexual predator, and if it wasn’t for Jaxon, I don’t even know if I’d be here right now.

  My body has endured beatings before, but it’s been a few years since my father last put his hands on me.

  The night the neighbors finally called the cops, and my abuse was documented, the bastard got spooked and never hit me again. I was seventeen. But it’s like riding a bike, the body never forgets, and I just add this to my long list of violent encounters.

  I was at another man’s mercy again last night, but this time, I fought back. I may not have been able to completely protect myself, but I did fight. I’m grateful Jaxon was there to help me.

  I’ve been alone in my battles for so long, I don’t remember when I stopped expecting help from anyone. But Jaxon helped without hesitation.

  Now here I am, in his house, walking around while he’s out like it’s completely normal for him to have a girl spend the night. Maybe it is. I shake that thought from my head. Obviously, Jaxon has slept with girls. Judging by the way he kisses, he definitely has experience.

  Jaxon’s apartment is quaint but cozy with all white linoleum flooring matching the color of the walls. The living room has one small black couch and a glass coffee table, both facing a large, mounted flat-screen television. I walk past the couch, running my hands across the leather, and eye the old-fashioned fireplace resting on the same wall as the TV.

  I can spot the kitchen cabinets through a square cut out in the wall, reminding me I should eat.

  I walk into Jaxon’s eat-in kitchen and smell coffee immediately. He must have made a pot before he left. I spot Captain Crunch on the top of the fridge and grab it. Taking a clean cereal bowl out of the drainer, I place it on the counter and open the fridge in search of milk. I notice a bagel with cream cheese sitting on the top shelf next to a plastic container of cut-up fruit.

  I smile, shaking my head because I don’t think this man could be any more thoughtful.

  I feel my smile slowly fade, sadness weighing heavy on my heart. I don’t deserve him. Jaxon deserves someone who can love and appreciate him and everything he has to offer. Someone who can reciprocate his feelings and fill his needs. Because that can’t be me. We may have had a heavy make-out session last night, but I was out of my mind. I don’t know if I’ll ever trust a man enough to have sex with him.

  And what do I expect from Jaxon? To be with me, but not be able to touch me?

  And who knows how long it’d take for me to build up the nerve to be intimate with him again. It’s not fair. Normal, consenting adults have sex, especially when they’re in a relationship. I’m not gonna hold him back from that.

  Suddenly losing my appetite, I close the refrigerator door. I need to get out of here. This won’t work, and I’m crazy for even considering it.

  I put everything back in place and head towards the bedroom to change into my clothes from yesterday. I find them folded neatly, cleaned, and placed on top of the small dresser. A lump forms in my throat because a part of me wants to be selfish. A part of me wants to be with Jaxon because he’s the closest thing to happiness I’ve ever felt, even if I’ve only known him a few weeks.

  But, I’m not selfish. And I know deep down I’ll fuck this up. That’s why I have to go.

  Just as I tie my boots, I hear the door open and Jaxon whistling as he walks in. I take a deep breath, trying to keep my cool.

  I gather my things and move towards the bedroom door. As I get to the doorway, he’s right there, almost like he was coming to check on me.

  He gives me a questioning look. “What’s up, Nyx? You headin’ out for something?” There’s a dash of panic in his eyes as he looks me over.

  What the hell do I tell him? That I’ve come down from my Jaxon high and realized I’m still this same broken girl from before?

  Walking past him towards the living room, I say, “I’m gonna head back to Thomas.”

  He follows behind me, sounding confused. “But I thought--”

  I turn to face him and cut him off. “Listen, this’ll never work. I can’t just live with you- it’s too complicated. And I can’t do complicated right now. You’re an amazing guy, Jaxon, and you deserve someone who’s whole. I can’t give you what you need.”

  He grabs my hand, and I immediately pull away. He backs away slightly, probably offended by the action—case in point.

  He runs a hand over his hair. “And how do you know what I need?” He places his hands out now, palms facing me, in an attempt to reason with me. “Cameron, listen, you went through a lot last night. I understand your emotions are all over the place, but you shouldn’t be traveling. What if you have a concussion?” Blowing out a long breath, he continues, “Just give it a few days here with me. Forget about us if you have to. Hell, I won’t even touch you. This isn’t only about me wanting you. This is about your health and safety.” He takes a slight step toward me. “Please, just give it a few days and see how you feel. I promise I won’t go near you.”

  Frustration fills me because he really doesn’t get it. “It’s not that, Jaxon!” I throw my hands in the air and head towards the front door, but he reaches out and grabs my arm, stopping me.

  “So tell me what it is, baby. Is this about what happened to you last night?”

  I tug at my hair and start pacing back and forth.

  This is more than I can handle right now, but I want to tell him the truth regardless. “I do want you near me, Jax. All the time! I’m not questioning my feelings for you. Trust me, that’s the only thing I am sure of at this point.” I rub the back of my neck, trying to ease the tension. “And this isn’t about what happened last night either.” I wave my hand in the air to dismiss that idea. “I’m not like you. You light up every room you walk in. You’re like the poster boy for positivity! I have too much darkness in me, Jaxon.” I look at him, ashamed. “I’ve never even been in a relationship before.” I point to him now. “My first kiss was with you last night.”

  I think back to how perfect he was. And how I almost lost the nerve to go through with it.

  Doubt and anger drown me from the inside. It boils up in my chest, and I feel like my whole body is on fire from the truth that stains my entire life.

  I scream at him, loud, for the first time ever.

  “I’m a twenty-one-year-old virgin, Jax! That’s embarrassing enough! Without adding--” I gesture to his perfectly chiseled face and drool-worthy body, “well, you to the mix!” I shrug and turn my head to stare at the wall, unable to meet his eyes. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to give myself to you, Jaxon. And what then? Are you gonna stay with a girl who’ll never have sex with you?”

  I look back at him, my voice lower now. I know I’m lashing out because of my own frustration, but I can’t help it. “You’re a great guy, but you’re human. And you have needs. And you deserve to have those needs met. I just can’t promise that I can do that for you.” I lean against the wall, resting my head against it.

  He runs his hands over his hair in frustration and throws up his arms. “I don’t give a shit about that, Cameron! I don’t care that you’ve never slept with anybody before!” His voice rises to match my earlier outburst. “The same way I wouldn’t care if you fucked the entire New York Jets defensive line in one night!”

  He’s pissed, and I don’t blame him.

  He’s been fighting his feelings, fighting my mood swings, and fighting the world for me in such a small amount of time. And I keep pushing him away.

  He shrugs and crosses his arms. “In fact, if I’m completely honest...” He leans on the back of the couch and continues, “When you told me you’d never kissed anyone before, I actually liked the idea.”

  I don’t even know how to respond to that, so I
stay quiet and continue my internal battle. I have an uncontrollable need to escape this conversation, so I lift my Jansport and place it over my shoulder. My fight or flight response is in full swing now, and flight is winning.

  He pushes himself off the couch and steps closer to me. “So, what was your plan? You were just gonna leave without saying goodbye? And that’s it? Disappear?”

  Guilt consumes me now, but I stay silent. Because I won’t lie to him.

  “All I’m asking is for you to give me a chance. I’m not asking for your whole heart. Hell, I’m not asking for any of it right now. All I’m asking is that you try and trust me. To not run away the first chance you get. I promise I’ll never do to you what he did. I would never mark you, Nyx, mind, body, or soul. I would never even want to change you.” He takes a deep breath. “I just want to help you realize you’re worth so much more than what your father made you believe.”

  I finally put together words. “I just don’t know what I’m doing, Jaxon. I don’t know if I can be who you need me to be.”

  Stepping even closer, he retorts, “The only person I need you to be, is you. Everything else we’ll take one step at a time. If you’re not ready for anything more than platonic, I’ll accept that.” He looks as if it hurts him to even say those words. Taking me in his arms, he hugs me and places his chin on my head. “I’m not going anywhere, baby. I’ll be here with no expectations. You’ll never have to do anything you don’t want to with me.” He grabs my face to look at him. “But if you ever decide you want more from me, however little it is, just let me know.” He kisses my cheek and looks back into my eyes. “I’m yours, regardless.”

  I squeeze my eyes shut to stop the tears from spilling down my cheeks.

  He’s so fucking selfless. I remember our trust-fall deal from last night, and I know damn well he does, too. He could’ve used it to get me to stay, but he didn’t.

  As always, Jaxon finds a way for me to push myself and not remain stagnant behind the walls I’ve created. He’s made sure the choice is mine and that I get to decide when to take the step.

  I weigh my options and decide to give this a real shot, with a few conditions. “Fine, but I still need to look for a job and a place to live. I won’t stay here without contributing somehow. I also need to get my stuff out of Thomas. I want to try and retrieve the pictures from my old computer, and if someone steals it, that makes the job much harder.” I place my bag on the floor.

  He looks down at me and runs his fingers through my hair. “We can grab your stuff later today.” He stretches his arms over his head as he says, “But for now, let’s just hang out and relax. Maybe watch a movie? I explained to Sayeed what happened, and he gave me the day off. So we can do whatever you want as long as it involves you taking it easy and not running away.”

  I throw my messy hair up in a bun and grab the remote off the table. “Fine.” I shrug. “But I’m picking the movie.”

  We sit down, and I scroll through the On Demand options. Feeling a bit more relaxed, I look over at him. Grinning, I say, “So a Jets fan, huh?” He instinctively rolls his eyes but stays silent, so I continue to provoke him. “I mean, damn, if I was gonna make my way through any team, at least make it the Giants.”

  He fakes offense and says, “The Jets are making a comeback this year. Just wait.” Shooing me away, Jaxon continues, “I’m not getting into this with you right now.” Playfully pushing me, he adds, “Plus, I’m loyal to a fault. They’ll always be my team.”

  I nod in agreement because Jaxon really is as loyal as they come.

  Twenty-one

  Jaxon

  The last few weeks have gone pretty smoothly. Cam managed to find a job as a barista at the cafe inside Barnes and Noble. I took her broken laptop to a computer tech to see if they could retrieve the photos. They’re working on it, but they said it’d take some time with the amount of damage to the computer. They’re confident they can do it, though, so that’s a win.

  I’ve also kept my promise to Cam by taking her almost everywhere on her wish list. The last place we need to visit is Coney Island Theme Park and Aquarium, but because I’m me, I have something special up my sleeve for her. It’ll just have to wait ‘til offseason.

  Although Cam and I haven’t kissed since the night at the carousel, we act as though we’re in a relationship in every other way. There’s so much pent up sexual tension between us you could cut that shit with a knife.

  I know she wants me just as bad as I want her.

  The way she tenses up when our bodies brush past each other or how her stare lingers on me just a little longer than it should when I’m fresh out the shower walking down the hall. Could I be polite and bring my clothes into the bathroom to get dressed? Yup.

  Will I? Absolutely not.

  I know she wants to kiss me again, but she has to be ready for it. Until then, I’ll be her eye candy until my little Nyx sheds what’s left of her low self-esteem and takes what’s hers.

  ◆◆◆

  It’s a few days before Halloween. Cam and I have been living together, cooking together, and sleeping together almost every night since she started staying here. The first night she tip-toed into my room and curled up next to me, I was shocked. Now it’s become routine. I love seeing her take these small steps, becoming more confident in who she is.

  There’s so much depth to this girl that I know if she would just embrace what’s inside instead of shoving it down, she would be so much more comfortable in her skin.

  She also hasn’t mentioned looking for an apartment in weeks and seems to really care for the place because she’s eager to clean it all the time. It has me feeling as though she sees this house more as her home than a crash pad.

  “I’m not watching it again, Jaxon. It’s the third time this week.” Cameron huffs and puffs at my movie choice for the night.

  I turn to her and argue, “It is not the third time. And what the hell is wrong with Nightmare on Elm Street? It’s not like Freddie’s coming for you,” I scoff. “In fact, I’m pretty sure he finds you in your sleep and turns the other way.” I crack up laughing because I’m pretty sure even Freddie Krueger wouldn’t want to go toe to toe with the inside of Cameron’s head.

  She playfully punches my arm. “We watched it on Monday after I made you those fish tacos and then Wednesday after I got home from work.” She crosses her arms, pretending to be offended by my joke about being difficult.

  “Awwww, did I strike a nerve?” I pout my lips. “Do you want a creepy guy with metal fingers in awful red and green stripes to haunt your dreams and kill you while you sleep?” I tickle her waist, and she fights a smile.

  “C’mon, baby. We both know that some people may consider themselves lucky to be stuck with him over a Cameron during that time of the month.” I waggle my eyebrows at her.

  In turn, she throws popcorn at me.

  Slamming my hands down on the couch, I shout, “I won’t tolerate crumbs on my furniture!”

  I tickle her sides again, and she immediately collapses underneath me, kicking and screaming.

  “Stop! Oh my God, I’m gonna pee!” She screams and laughs, trying to break free of my hold. I’m obviously stronger, so I just continue to torture her while holding both her hands over her head.

  Suddenly, there’s a sharp ache between my legs, and my eyes bulge from pain, causing me to topple over onto the floor. My fucking nuts. Suddenly feeling the urge to vomit, I assume the fetal position while she hurries over to me.

  “Oh, my God! Jaxon! I swear I didn’t mean that! It was just a reflex!” She checks me over everywhere with her hands, accidentally brushing past my dick.

  Would you look at that? Already feeling better.

  She removes her hand quickly. “I’m so sorry...” Her cheeks are red from embarrassment. I’m not sure if she’s apologizing for kicking me in the nuts or touching my dick, but either way, my dick is now hard.

  Yep, all for you, baby.

  “I’m not,” I shrug. I’
m not even trying to cover my boner. She squirms on the floor, and I can’t help but wonder if her pussy reacts as quickly to me as my cock responds to her.

  “I, uh...” She looks around uncomfortably, unsure of what to do next. Lying here, I keep my face neutral as I watch her. I know she wants something from me, but I want her to initiate it.

  Cameron may be a woman, but she’s been void of tender human touch almost her entire life, so this doesn’t come naturally to her.

  I can sense her arousal, and I know she’s currently battling with herself. I hope she wins.

  I want her to finally be comfortable enough to explore her sexuality as a woman. I also need something, anything to reassure my dick it’ll get more action than just my hand for the rest of our lives.

  She starts to stand but stops midway and returns to the floor. Good girl, baby.

  I almost feel guilty for being so eager for her to make a move. Almost. I know she’s ready. I can tell by the way she scoots closer to me in bed, not so subtly arching her back into me when she lies down. She’s been testing her boundaries for a while now, but I never take the bait.

  She looks at the bulge in my jeans as if it’s an Amazon package that was finally delivered after weeks of waiting. She opens and closes her mouth but doesn’t say anything.

  She wants to touch me again.

  I remain still, only moving my hand to her knee to let her know it’s okay.

  She takes me in with her eyes, finally asking, ”Can I touch you?” Every cell in my body stands at attention, unsure if they heard her correctly.

  “Do you want to touch me?”

  She swallows hard and nods her head. “Yeah, I do.”

  Now those cells of mine are doing the fucking electric slide.

  I nod and gesture for her to have at it. I keep my hands behind my head so they don’t do anything stupid.

  She adjusts her legs, sitting on the heels of her feet. She reaches her hand towards my jeans, and I mentally prepare myself for her touch. The second her hands are on me, my body feels as if it’s buzzing. I take a deep breath and exhale as she gently runs her finger up and down the length of the bulge in my pants.