by Danda K.
We stop by a local supermarket after leaving the clinic to grab a few things for Emersyn.
As I travel up and down the aisles, letting Emersyn pick out a couple of snacks, Gelissa huffs and puffs dramatically. She’s tapping her foot impatiently while staring at her phone.
She mutters, “Are you done yet?”
“Seriously? You’re complaining? Like, actually complaining that I’m buying food for her?” I gesture to Emersyn, not ready to say her name out loud.
Gelissa just rolls her eyes and rechecks her phone before pushing the wagon with Emersyn in it towards the checkout.
We finish up at the store, and she never once says thank you.
There’s not a thank you or kind word spoken to me
I can’t fucking wait to get home to Cameron.
◆◆◆
It’s been two days since the paternity test, and I’m waiting very impatiently for the results.
Cameron is extremely quiet all day as we wait for the phone call. She has a shift at three, and I have the night shift at the store, so we’re spending the early part of the day watching TV in uncomfortable silence.
It’s never been awkward between us, but today is definitely an exception. Neither of us really know what’s gonna happen, yet somehow we both know how this’ll play out.
The entire morning went by without a call. I’m starting to worry I paid the extra hundred bucks for nothing. I can’t go for a whole month, not knowing. It’ll kill me.
Cameron’s stirring the pot of soup she’s making for lunch when my cell phone rings. Her hands freeze around the ladle as I stare at the phone, unable to move and holding my breath. I look down at the screen and see it’s the office calling. My stomach tingles from nerves, the thought of what they’re going to tell me weighing heavy on my heart.
Will I be more upset if she isn’t mine, or is mine? I know, regardless of the outcome, I’ll be disappointed in some way. Cameron’s biting on her fingernail, and I think her eyes may bulge out of her head by the third ring.
“Pick it up!” She grabs my phone and presses the answer button, shoving it to my ear.
I clear my throat, trying to loosen the tightness in it. “Uh, hello?”
The nurse on the other line gives her name and tells me she’s calling with my paternity test results. The room stills. All I hear is the faint voice over the phone explaining how my DNA is a 99.8% match to Emersyn and that I am, indeed, Emersyn’s father.
Cameron’s staring at me in anticipation, hands pressed together in front of her face while she blows air into them.
I still can’t speak, just nodding at the woman over the phone, not even acknowledging the fact she can’t see my movements. All I needed to know was if Emersyn’s mine, I don’t care about the scientific explanation behind it. When she wraps up her speech, I thank her for the call and hang up.
Looking at Cameron, she stares back at me with reassuring eyes, and I know she already knows.
“She’s mine,” is all I can choke out before my breathing picks up, and I feel like the kitchen is the size of a closet. I thought I’d have some clarity after knowing the truth, but all I have now is worry. I stand up, and Cameron reaches out to me, but I step away, overwhelmed with uncertainty.
I walk into the living room and throw myself down on the couch with my head in my hands. I need to be in a larger space, but no space seems large enough for me at this moment.
I rock back and forth, tears at the brink of bursting through my eyes. I don’t care if I cry; I don’t consider myself less of a man if I do...it’s the reason I wanna cry that makes me feel like I shouldn’t.
Now that I know Emersyn’s mine, I’m overwhelmed with sadness that I missed so many of her milestones. Her first words, her first steps, her first solid food, everything that happens in the first year of life that parents get to enjoy.
I was robbed of it, just like I was robbed of a mother and father.
The ability to love my child in ways I never was at that age has been stolen from me, and I feel like tearing down every wall in this house with my hands.
I want to find Gelissa so I can scream, hell, even cry, and shake her until she tells me why the fuck she kept my baby girl from me. I did nothing to her to warrant this punishment.
Besides refusing to change who I am to fit her selfish needs, I was good to her. I deserved to know my daughter. I deserved to watch Emersyn take her first breath regardless of my relationship with her mom.
I would’ve fucking been there. I would’ve been there for all of it. I would’ve crossed Heaven and Hell to get to that baby if I just knew she belonged to me.
My body breaks down, no longer able to fight back the tears. They’re streaming down my face, and I can’t help but feel like I did to my baby girl what my parents did to me.
I left her.
I rub the back of my hands across my cheeks and try taking deep breaths, but my sadness rises and rises like an overflowing riverbank, and I need to let it out.
I feel Cameron wrap one arm around my back and place the other on my knee, resting her head on my shoulder.
I try to speak, but I can’t formulate words at the moment. My body keeps shaking, and I feel like the pain of missing my child has been hidden inside me this whole time, and I didn’t even fucking know it. How can a feeling this strong erupt so suddenly? With no warning?
Is it possible to feel love and remorse for someone I just met a few days ago?
I choke out through sobs and gasps of breath, “I ...would have...fucking...been there.” I’m barely coherent now.
Cameron rubs my back. “I don’t understand what you’re saying, Jaxon. You need to breathe. You’re gonna have a panic attack.” She shoves a brown paper bag in front of my face and cups the opening with her hand.
“Breathe in and out into the bag. It’ll help you calm down.” She brings the bag to my lips. “It’s gonna be okay, Jaxon.” I try my hardest to take steady breaths, but I don’t physically think I can.
The world continues to kick me while I’m down, and I’m so fucking tired of turning my cheek, waiting for the next hit. I try my hardest to be positive and hope for the best, but this is almost two years without my baby. My flesh and blood. Two years that I could’ve bonded with her.
I could’ve been her dad. Roland didn’t deserve a privilege that was always fucking mine.
My breaths start to even out as Cameron rubs my back and my knee simultaneously. I repeat the statement I tried to say before. “I would’ve been there for her, Cameron. I wouldn’t have let her go a day without me loving her.”
She hugs me tight, and I lean my head on hers. ”You’ll be there for her now, Jaxon. This isn’t on you. What Gelissa did to you both is unforgivable. No baby deserves to be separated from their father, and no father deserves to be kept in the dark like you have.” She turns and kisses my forehead. “The upside is, she’s still little, so she won’t remember this. You have the rest of her life to get to know her, and you’ll be there for every moment you deem important.”
“But I’ll remember, Nyx. I’ll remember the fact I missed so much with my child. I’ll always feel like I abandoned her, regardless of if it was a conscious decision or not.”
“But you didn’t abandon her. She was hidden from you. There’s a difference. You can’t abandon something you don’t know you have. I understand you’re in pain, and you’re within your right to feel this way. But right now, you’ve gotta pull yourself together so you can secure your role as her father, legally. And quickly. Gelissa’s way too unpredictable to leave the ball in her court.”
She wipes my tears away with her thumbs. ”So cry. Cry all you have to for the next twenty minutes, Charming. Then take a deep breath, wipe the tears, and start your journey as the amazing father I know you’ll be.” She places her hand back on my knee. “Get a lawyer on the phone and push to get paternity documentation. Show Emersyn that you’re willing to fight for her now that you know she’s yours.”
I take a final shaky breath and feel myself returning to normal.
Thank God for this fucking girl. I haven’t cried this hard since I was a kid. Cam just rode out my breakdown with no judgment whatsoever. I love her so much, and I know deep in my heart, this woman would make a phenomenal mother one day, whether it’s with me or not.
Cameron’s been gone for a half-hour when there’s a knock at my door. I open it and find Sayeed and Sam. ”Hi, Jax! Can I watch Into the Spider-Verse?” He runs in and heads straight for the couch without waiting for a response, not that he needs one.
“How are you holding up, Beta?” Sayeed pats me on my shoulder. “I can’t help the thin walls. I figured I should come and check up on you. I’m assuming you got the results about Emersyn?”
I nod my head and lead him towards the kitchen. After I throw on a pot of coffee, I place two mugs down on the table where he sits. ”She’s mine.” Sayeed nods his head in understanding.
“And how do we feel about this?” he asks as he examines the picture on the mug.
“I feel a lot of things. Some fear, some excitement, but mostly sadness because I missed so much with her. I feel like things could’ve been so different if I knew about her from the beginning.”
He continues to nod as I go and grab some cookies that Cameron likes to eat with her coffee, offering him some. He looks up at me from the mug. “Can I give you a word of advice?”
“I’m all ears.”
He leans back in the chair, crossing his arms over his chest. “I’m not sure if you’re a religious man, Jaxon. I don’t really find it my place to ask anyone what their beliefs are. But, in my religion, there’s an excerpt from our book that states ‘God will not burden a soul beyond that it can bear.’”
He rubs the back of his neck. “After my son was born and his mother died, for a short amount of time, I grew very angry. Why me? Why her? Why him? Why us? I was always a devout man. I prayed all my prayers, and I gave as much charity as I could. I did everything in my power to be a good person during my time on this earth.” He stops as I grab the pot of coffee and pour it into both mugs, adding two spoons.
When I hand Sayeed his drink, he nods in appreciation and continues. “After a while, I refused to pray. I didn’t attend any sermons, and I shut myself down spiritually because of the pain in my heart. I wondered why I should continue to do the right thing when something so wrong happened to me.” He takes a sip and stirs the brown liquid with his spoon.
“I grew bitter for a whole year. I even got drunk sometimes. I’m not sure if you know this, but alcohol is forbidden for Muslims. I thought drinking was my way to get back at a god that had betrayed me. To rebel against him in a way.”
I watch as Sayeed peeks in on Sam through the opening in the wall before he continues. “Before I knew it, I missed a whole year with my boy. I missed a whole year of watching him grow. And this was my choice, unlike your situation. Yes, I was physically there with him, but my heart was somewhere else, still in the past with my wife. My soul grew angry over the what-ifs and what could have been.”
He takes another sip. “One day, I got so drunk, I almost crashed my car into a tree. In that split second, not only did I miss the tree, but I sobered up faster than a speeding bullet. I told myself right there that my son deserved better, that I deserved better. Yes, someone I loved was taken from me, and I’ll never get her back. Not in this life. But I decided that my son was still here and my wife would’ve wanted me to move on and raise him to the best of my ability.”
Sayeed adjusts himself in his seat to finish his story. “I parked my car on the side of the road and walked to the nearest mosque in the area. Drunk and all. As I passed couples and smiling families on the street, I felt the bitterness resurface. Before I allowed it to swallow me whole again, I ran. I ran so fast it was as if I was trying to escape my body. When I approached the building, do you know what was posted on the sign out front?”
He looks at me now, expectant.
I shrug, so Sayeed answers for me. “‘God does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear.’”
He takes a deep breath. “I took that as a sign from both the heavens and my wife that I could do better and be better. That I could go back to the man I was and care for my son the right way. I was given another chance to shape Samir’s perception of life, the only way a father can. Just like you were given with that phone call.”
He stands and puts his hand on my shoulder. “This is not ideal for you, Jaxon, but life isn’t always ideal. Take this chance and run with it. Don’t let it slip through your fingers. Because one day that little girl will be seven, and ten, and seventeen. She won’t remember when you became her dad, but she will remember the type of father you were. So don’t get caught up on the what-ifs or what could’ve been. It’s what you do with the knowledge you have now that’ll shape your relationship with that little girl. Trust me.”
I feel myself choke up again. Sayeed’s revelation feels like cold water colliding with the flames that have been burning in my chest since I found out Emersyn is my daughter.
I stand up and hug the only man who’s ever been a true father figure to me, thanking whatever god he prays to that he’s softened this man’s heart and has allowed me to be in his life.
After our heart to heart, we got to work on my next move. Sayeed called his brother, who’s an attorney, and let him know my situation. Although Abe isn’t a family lawyer, he’s confident he can help me. The first thing he said to do was get my paternity status documented and file for shared custody. After a couple hours of talking, he took down my information and got to work on the paperwork I needed.
I’m at work, feeling much more optimistic about my situation than I was earlier. I text Gelissa to let her know my plans.
Jaxon: Got the results. I wanna see my daughter tomorrow.
Gelissa: Well, I’m gonna need some money to buy her some stuff she needs.
Jaxon: Whatever, I’ll give it to you tomorrow.
Gelissa: I’ve decided to stay at my cousin’s apartment. If you’re coming to get her, make sure you bring the money.
I know her game, but I don’t give a shit at this point. I’ll spend whatever is necessary to make sure my daughter has what she needs, including a place to live. Emersyn will never find herself fighting for her next meal or a place to sleep, not as long as I’m breathing.
Thirty-seven
Cameron
“There are so many options, I don’t know which one to get.” I hear Jaxon as I check my phone for the time.
“Infant? Toddler? Convertible?” He’s wide-eyed, walking through Target looking for a car seat for Emersyn.
We’re picking her up today around one o’clock for the first time.
He stayed up all night putting together a small wooden toddler bed for her in the second bedroom. Jaxon bought her a little pink comforter set to make it look more inviting too. I honestly don’t know how he hasn’t crashed without any sleep.
“Why don’t you just ask someone who works here? I’m sure they can help.” I spot the price tag on these seats, and my eyes almost pop out of their sockets.
Kids are expensive as fuck.
Just as I comment about an employee, we hear a voice from behind us asking if we need any help. We both turn and find a short, round man in the signature red polo shirt.
“Uh, yeah, I’m looking for a car seat for my daughter. She’s almost two years old.”
The man takes out a piece of paper with a list of sorts, but I can’t make out what it says.
“How much does she weigh? What’s her height in inches?” he asks as he stares at the paper.
Jaxon swallows nervously, looks towards me, and I just shrug. I don’t know these answers any more than he does. He scratches his head and responds honestly.
“Yeah, I don’t know.” He rubs the back of his neck. “Is that important?”
The guy looks at Jaxon as if he’s deciphering whether or not he’s serious, then clears his
throat. “Mhmm, well, yes, it’s very important actually. If a child is in a car seat that’s not appropriate for their height and weight, it can be rather dangerous.”
Jaxon’s mouth drops in shock. “Give me a minute.” He holds up one finger, silently asking the man to stay here while he makes a call.
“It’s me. I need to know Emersyn’s height and weight.” He nods a couple of times, then rolls his eyes, I’m sure in response to a snarky remark from Gelissa.
He spits the words out through his teeth, trying to keep his composure. “I’m getting her a car seat for the truck I’ll be using. Can you just give me the information I need?” The Target guy looks even more uncomfortable than one could already feel in such a bright shirt and khakis.
Jaxon hangs up the phone and tells the guy her measurements.
After about fifteen minutes, we’re heading towards the checkout counter with the safety seat and a cart full of other toys, books, and whatever else he threw in thinking it’d be a necessity.
The cashier who rang us up is a dad who must be able to tell how overwhelmed Jaxon is, so he offered to follow us out to the parking lot to correctly install the seat into Sayeed’s Ford Explorer. After he goes through the dos and don’ts, Jaxon runs through his list of questions about how to buckle Emersyn in, and we’re on our way.
Gelissa texted him the address of where she’s staying, and I put it into Google Maps on my phone to take the quickest route.
We pull up to a large apartment complex with several tall brown buildings surrounding a small playground. We park the car on the street and walk onto the grounds to find the building Gelissa said she’s staying with Emersyn.
We pass a few families bundled up outside with their small children on the swings and sliding down slides chasing each other. The screams and laughter of the little kids slowly fade as we walk to the back of the projects, spotting the building.
As we approach the entrance, four guys in North Face coats are huddled together, talking low. Three of them are in fitted Yankees hats, while one stands out in a bomber hat.
