The Ties That Bind Us: (The Ties Duet Part One)

by Danda K.

  Curled up in bed, I look out the window to see the brightness of the morning in full swing, but I’m just as tired as I was last night trying to fall asleep.

  We spent all of Christmas yesterday watching holiday movies. I cooked a whole chicken, along with red lentil soup, and a string bean casserole. I love the new Surface Pro Jaxon got me. I’ve never had anything this fancy, so to say I’m excited to use it is an understatement.

  Jaxon spent over an hour setting it up and updating it for me. I’m so excited to try out all the new features available now that the device I’m using was made during this decade. I could even sign up for classes next semester with no worries about the computer crashing.

  The bed dips as Jaxon rolls over to swing his arm over me, pulling my back into him, emphasizing each word. “Need.” Pull. “You.” Pull. “Closer.” Pull.

  When I’m pressed up against his chest, I roll over and face him, his sleepy eyes staring into mine. “Good morning, Nyx.”

  The smell of rotten eggs and sour milk attacks my nostrils.

  I lean back, gagging dramatically. “It would be if you didn’t almost render me unconscious with your terrible morning breath!”

  I pretend to gag again, and Jaxon reaches for me as I scurry away, hop off the bed, and head to the door.

  I’m standing in the doorway, scolding him like a child. “Brush your teeth! You’re gonna kill someone like that!”

  I make my way down the hall, hearing the bed creak behind me from Jaxon getting up. I stop by Emersyn’s room and peek in on her to make sure I didn’t wake her.

  Waiting for the coffee to brew, I rest my tired head against my arm on the counter. I need caffeine. Jaxon approaches me from behind, reaching into the cupboard to grab his mug and slapping my ass in the process.

  I jump up, straightening my back, and turn my head to find Jaxon grinning.

  “See,” he blows his icy breath in my face. “Minty clean for you now.” Jaxon grabs me by my hips and spins me around fast to face him, my long hair slapping me in the face. “Can I get my kiss now, Nyx?”

  I remove the hair from my face, give him a quick peck on his lips, and then reach for the coffee pot to get first dibs.

  Emersyn goes home today, and Gelissa should be picking her up around noon. I always look forward to our little encounters. There’s nothing like dirty looks and silent judgment to ruin your post-Christmas morning.

  “Daddy.” I hear the little voice coming from the hall, and Jaxon’s eyes immediately widen, his smile reaching his eyes. He turns to face Emersyn in her pink onesie pajamas.

  “Come here, you.” He leans down and opens his arms wide, welcoming her in for a hug. She runs into his arms, climbing up his legs until he picks her up and kisses her little cheek. “Good morning, baby girl.”

  Emersyn rubs her little belly. “I eat.”

  Jaxon looks around at the options, which I know are slim unless he cooks. I don’t want him cooking for anyone, especially his own daughter. He can’t get water to boil. “I got it. I’ll make some pancakes.”

  Jaxon kisses me on my forehead. “Thanks, Nyx.” Carrying Emersyn into the living room, Jaxon turns on the television. I take out a large bowl, flour, and all the other ingredients I need to make pancakes for us.

  There’s a knock at the door, and I watch through the kitchen pass-through as Jaxon jogs over to see who it is. I continue cooking, silently praying the wicked witch of Williamsburg hasn’t decided to show up early.

  “Where’s my little Poti?” I hear Sayeed say as he enters the house with Sam.

  He always comes down to see her before she leaves with her mom. I’m mixing the batter as Sayeed greets me from the kitchen entrance. “Hello there, Cameron. How was your holiday?” He’s always polite and never tries to embrace me during greetings. I appreciate his consideration since I try to avoid contact with people.

  I respond with a smile. “Hey, it was very nice, thanks for asking. And thanks for the gift, you didn’t have to do that.” I’m referring to the beautiful velvet shawl. He called it a dupatta, and it’s all black with white lace trimming and beautiful red flowers spread throughout. I’ll probably never wear it, but not because I dislike it. I just find it too pretty to use. It’s not my style, but the cultural significance behind it makes it sentimental to me.

  I finish flipping the last pancake while Sam plays with Emersyn, and the guys talk sports while watching TV. Since Sayeed and Sam are staying for breakfast, I opt for the turkey bacon instead of traditional.

  I’m cleaning the crumbs off the table as Sayeed picks up Emersyn and squeezes her tight, giving her a kiss good-bye. A part of me can’t help but feel envious of how easy it is for him to bond with her.

  She’s Jaxon’s, and she’s perfect, just like him.

  But something stops me. It’s a fear that lurks in the shadows wherever I go, reminding me that what was broken inside me as a kid is still sharp enough to cut through almost anything, especially another child.

  Emersyn runs over to me, holding her sippy cup and waving it in front of me. I take it, fill it with some apple juice from the fridge, tighten the lid, and hand it back to her. She takes the cup from me and places it on the floor.

  Emersyn reaches her arms out to me again, and I think she wants me to pick her up.

  Where the hell is Jaxon?

  I look around frantically, but there’s no sign of him. Maybe he stepped outside with Sayeed. I stare down at her, wide-eyed, unaware of what to do next. I can’t hold her, but I also don’t want her feeling like I’m rejecting her.

  My heart races as she bounces on the balls of her feet, anxiously waiting for me to embrace her. Maybe I should just hug her. I can’t hurt her by hugging her. Right?

  Emersyn has no idea the civil war going on in my head or my reasons behind being distant. She’s just a child who needs affection right now. Isn’t that all any of us need?

  I know that’s all I needed at her age.

  She’s getting upset, her lower lip in a slight pout, and I think my heart may shrink in on itself. Without realizing it, I squat down to her level, and Emersyn’s facial expression perks up immediately. I steady myself on my feet, staring at her.

  It’s almost as if Emersyn knows she needs to be gentle with me. She slowly walks the last couple of steps towards me before wrapping her little arms around my waist and looking at me.

  I’m tense at first, looking back at her. I smile tightly, still frozen, and hold my breath. I’m waiting for the moment her face turns pained from my touch, but she seems relieved instead.

  Resting the side of her head on my chest, Emersyn reaches one of her hands out and grabs some of my long hair, rubbing it between her tiny fingers.

  Just like her dad does.

  I relax a bit, still uncomfortable, but slightly less tense. I involuntarily cringe as I wrap one of my arms around her, patting her back awkwardly, so she feels my embrace too. I try breathing steadily as her hands gently pull and twirl the strands of hair, but panic locks my chest uptight every time.

  Feeling eyes on me, I look up to find Jaxon standing by the kitchen entrance, his eyes wide and mouth agape as he takes in what’s happening. I don’t know how long he’s been watching us, but it had to be long enough to see how much I struggled with her. Fantastic.

  Once Emersyn senses Jaxon, I’m old news. She jumps away from me and runs into his arms, and the ability to breathe normally again immediately returns.

  I assume Gelissa shows up to take Emersyn home while I’m in the shower because I hear muffled voices outside the bathroom, and then after a few minutes, silence. I step out of the shower and wrap a towel around my body, securing my hair in a second one. I open the door to find Jaxon there waiting for me, leaning his shoulder on the wall with his legs crossed, arms folded over his chest.

  “Hey, Nyx.”

  “Gelissa showed up?” He nods in response.

  “She give you any trouble?”

  He shrugs. “Nothing more than the usu
al bullshit.”

  I walk past him and head to the bedroom to get dressed. Jaxon follows behind and stops at the bedroom door, hands grabbing the top of the door frame as I proceed to take out my clothes for the day.

  My back is to him when he speaks. “That’s her thing, you know.”

  I stop what I’m doing and turn towards him, confused. “What is?”

  He gestures to my wet hair hidden under the towel. “Playing with people’s hair.”

  He places his hands inside his pockets before continuing, “But I’ve only seen her do it with her mom and me.”

  I pull the shirt over my head. “It was just a coincidence.” I don’t want to draw attention to the point I know he’s trying to make.

  Jaxon shakes his head slowly. “I don’t think it is, baby.” He walks towards me and sits at the edge of the bed. “You’re great with her. You’d be surprised what kids can sense from adults. She trusts you.”

  I give him a short smile and pull up my leggings until they cover my waist, adjusting my white slouchy tee over the tight pants.

  Well, she shouldn’t.

  I respond to him internally because I don’t want to make him feel bad. I know how bad Jaxon wants me to feel a strong connection with her.

  And although I did take a small step today, I’m still nowhere near convinced I have anything to offer that little girl.

  Forty-three

  Cameron

  Emersyn has been with her mom for the past two days, and Jaxon heard from a customer at his job that a large field in New Jersey is hosting a drive-up movie theater for couples.

  It’s only about forty-five minutes away, and he insisted we do something fun together. Jaxon seems to be feeling guilty for our predicament lately, and I have no idea why. He’s a dad first. I’d never harbor any resentment that his attention’s split in two.

  Come to think of it, I’m sure watching your girlfriend struggle to interact with your child is also a bit disheartening.

  Lately, I feel like I’m an additional child for Jaxon to take care of. He has so much going on already with Emersyn, the last thing he needs is to have to tip-toe around my emotions.

  Emersyn is getting dropped off tomorrow, the day before New Year’s Eve, and she’ll be here for two days.

  Gelissa had a bogus reason why she couldn’t have Emersyn for the holiday and is picking her up the next morning. Jaxon wanted to spend tonight doing something different, and I like the idea of watching movies and not having to deal with strangers rubbing against me in a movie theater.

  “It’s going to be like twenty-five degrees tonight.” I pull up my sheer black tights and adjust my off-the-shoulder sweater dress over them. It’s light grey and falls mid-thigh. Jaxon’s behind me, getting himself dressed in a black hoodie, charcoal jeans, and of course, his grey beanie.

  He stares at himself in the mirror, removing his beanie. “Believe it or not, baby, the car has a heater. It’s not the bike.” He adjusts the hair on his head, then re-positions his hat.

  I’m still not used to riding in a car with him since I’ve grown to love the motorcycle so much. But, given the cold weather now, the car is probably the smarter option.

  “At first you couldn’t get me on it, now you can’t get me off it,” I smirk as I run my hands down the oversized knit dress to smooth it out. Jaxon bought me a grey beanie that’s almost identical to his, except mine has a fluffy pom-pom on top of it. I flatten my hair in the mirror and adjust my own hat.

  “Ready to go, Nyx? The movie starts at seven, so I don’t want to be late.”

  I grab my last minute things and head to the door to put on my boots. “Yeah, just need to get my boots on.” I feel Magnet’s little body rubbing up against my leg as I walk to the door. I bend down to pet his furry head. “It’s way too cold out there for you, serpent.” He rubs his face against my hand as I pet him. I feel guilty leaving him, so I tiptoe into the kitchen to discreetly put some peanut butter on a plate for him.

  Jaxon was right. I think I’m a cat person.

  Or maybe, just a Magnet person.

  The drive to New Jersey is taking much longer than it should. There’s bumper to bumper traffic on I-95, and we’ve been at a standstill for ten minutes now. I look over to Jaxon as he tries to see what the holdup is from outside the driver’s side window.

  He maneuvers himself back in his seat, blowing out his breath into his hands to warm them up. He closes the window as I reach over to turn up the music a bit. ”All The Same” by Sick Puppies plays on the radio, and I sing along quietly as Jaxon scratches at the scruff around his jaw.

  “I hope we make this movie.” He taps on the steering wheel anxiously.

  “So, if we don’t, we do something else.” I grab a piece of Winterfresh gum from my bag.

  He responds quickly, his voice clipped, “I know, but still. I don’t understand what the fuck is going on.”

  A minute later, the cars begin moving, and we pass a stalled car on the shoulder of the road with State Troopers pulled over giving assistance. Once we pass them, the road opens up, and the cars spread out ahead of us.

  “Why do people do that?! They have to stop and look, can’t just mind their business and fucking drive!”

  He bangs on the steering wheel in frustration, causing me to jump from his sudden outburst.

  Jaxon’s never like this. It feels strange seeing him so irate. Another pang of guilt courses through me because I know he’s stressed out, and I know a large portion of it’s because of me, even though he’d never admit it.

  I wish there was a way I could ease his worries without having to enhance mine.

  I reach over and take his hand, squeezing it between my own. He looks at me, eyes softening. I smile as he turns my hand over and brings my wrist to his lips, kissing it softly.

  By now, we’re ten minutes away from the field and over twenty minutes late for the movie.

  When we approach the small ticket booth box at the entrance, a stocky guy in a black hat tells us the movie New Year’s Eve is playing but they’re packed, so he can’t guarantee a spot for us to see it clearly.

  Jaxon reassures him it’s okay, and we get our tickets and move forward. As we follow the signs, the field looks more and more like an opening in the woods.

  Finally, a huge screen starts to come into view, and the field is packed with cars parked in rows. I can see some of the screen through the trees, but the open field and last row of cars is still a hundred feet ahead of us. There’s nowhere else to go, so we stay hidden here and watch whatever we can see.

  Even with my glasses on, I’m barely able to see the movie from here, so I look around us instead.

  There are tall, thin trees all around with bare branches reaching up to the night sky. Some parts have leftover snow decorating them from the dusting the night before. Jaxon reaches behind us to the back seat and pulls out our sandwiches and drinks. I feel the hot air blasting on me from the vents as we both devour our sandwiches.

  Neither of us is paying attention to the movie, so I try to strike up a conversation instead.

  “You okay tonight? You seem a bit off.”

  He takes a final bite of his sandwich and answers with his mouth full. “I’m good, baby.”

  I place my hand on his knee. “Jaxon, you know you can talk to me, right? It doesn’t always have to be you talking me down. I can help you carry your burdens, too.”

  He shakes his head and swallows. “You do help me, baby, but there’s nothing to carry right now. Yes, life is different now with Emersyn, but I’ll make it work.”

  Somehow I know she’s causing the least of his worries at the moment, but I nod my head. “I just want you to know that I appreciate you, and if you ever need to talk to me about anything that worries you, you can.”

  His hand squeezes my knee. “No worries, Nyx. I’m good.” Jaxon leans over the console and kisses my lips before turning his attention on the movie.

  I know he’s lying to me, but I don’t want to
argue with him right now. I can sense when he’s distant, drifting off into his worries, trying his hardest to protect me from them.

  I don’t want him to feel like he needs to shelter me from everything. I want him to feel like he can be himself with me, even when that means having tough conversations. I can’t help but feel like he handles me with kid gloves sometimes. Always overly aware of my triggers, feelings, and anxiety.

  Jaxon bases his entire life around the needs of other people, and although I admire this noble trait, I need him to know I’m not a child.

  I can be someone who helps make him feel better, too.

  I can help relieve his stress, even if that stress stems from me.

  I’m not some delicate flower he needs to be afraid of holding too tight for fear I’ll break.

  Not completely anyway.

  Jaxon has gotten me through so many of my fears, and I feel it’s only right that I help him get through his in return.

  I watch as he rubs the tension in his neck, and a thought hits me.

  If I can’t get Jaxon to talk to me, I could relieve his stress in other ways.

  He rests his hands behind his head and stares ahead at the miniature movie faintly lighting up the darkness ahead of us.

  I remove my hat and glasses as I check myself in the mirror, adjusting the static in my hair. When I’m satisfied with my appearance, I reach over and place my hand on his thigh. Jaxon continues watching the movie, not giving this familiar gesture a thought.