by Karli Perrin
My heart is beating out of my fucking chest. “Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“One hundred percent?”
“One hundred percent. You’re the only person I slept with four weeks ago. You’re the only person I’ve slept with in the last four weeks, period.”
My whole body is flooded with relief. “Why didn’t you tell me yesterday? Why did you let me believe it was his? Last night would never have happened if I had known the truth.”
“I’d just crashed my car into a tree then found out I was pregnant. I told you, I was in shock. I’m still in shock. I was thinking of the best way to tell John and then you turned up. As soon as I was discharged this morning, I arranged for a rental and came straight over here.” She holds up her arm, showing me her hospital wristband still intact. “I came as soon as I could.”
“Why didn’t you call me? Or text me?”
“I didn’t want to tell you over the phone. It’s huge news. I didn’t know how you were going to react.”
“Does John know the truth?”
“Yes. I think he always knew. I mean, we always used condoms and never had any accidents. He’s not stupid. He just didn’t want to believe it was yours. I think he would have gone along with the lie forever if I’d have let him.”
“So that time in the kitchen…four weeks ago…was that it?”
She nods. “It must have been. The dates add up.”
“I’m going to be a dad.”
“Yes.”
“Oh my god, I’m going to be a dad. Me. Fuck, this changes everything, Lor.”
“Does it?”
“Of course it does. We need to get our shit together for this baby. Our baby. No more messing around.”
“Buzz…”
“We can do this. We can get through it together.”
“Buzz, I don’t know. Look at everything that’s happened between us in the last year. We’re a disaster.”
“We’re only a disaster when we’re not together.” She glances towards the house and mumbles something about co-parenting. “Fuck co-parenting. I’m in love with you. I want to be with you. I want us to be a family. Don’t you want that too?”
“I want whatever is best for the baby...”
“And what’s best in your eyes? Having two homes? Teaching them that it’s okay to give up?”
She throws her hands up. “I don’t know, Buzz. I need some time. I haven’t even been home. John is…”
“John?” I take a step back. “What the fuck has John got do with any of this?” She shrugs and looks down at her feet. “Oh my god, please don’t tell me you’re still with him.”
“No, I ended it.” Thank fuck for that. “But he wants to try and make things work.”
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me! Please tell me you’re not actually considering it.” When she doesn’t answer, my whole body goes numb. “Lori, no. Please don’t do this. At least give us a chance first.”
“Calm down. I’m not deciding anything right this second. I need some time alone.”
I’m silent for all of two seconds before the rage boils over. “Is he out of his fucking mind? You’re pregnant with my baby.”
“Yes, I’m well aware of that.”
“So why is he still trying to keep us apart? It was a different fucking story yesterday when he thought it was his kid. He’s being a selfish prick. He wants you no matter the cost. No matter who he hurts.”
“And what’s so wrong about that?”
I take both of her hands in mine. “I want you no matter the cost. He needs to give us the opportunity to be a family.”
“And he will if I tell him that’s what I want.”
“So tell him.” She stares at me, her lips unmoving. “Lori, tell him.”
“I don’t know anymore. I came here and thought I knew what I wanted but seeing Stacey…maybe I should use my head instead of my heart for once.”
“No. Don’t do that. Families run off love, not logic. Fuck common sense. Fuck what looks better on paper. Listen to your heart.”
“Like I keep telling you, I need some time. It’s a big decision.”
“Fine. Take as much time as you need but please don’t close the door on us. Promise me you’ll think about it.” I bite my lip, trying my hardest not to cry. “Promise me.”
“Of course I’ll think about it, Buzz.”
“You promise?”
“I promise.”
I wrap my arms around her. “No matter what happens, I’ll always be here for you and the baby.”
“I know you will.” A little sob manages to escape her as she pulls away. “I should go.”
“You know where I’ll be.”
She nods then walks over to a car parked across the street. I feel like screaming as I watch her drive away.
So that’s what I do.
I don’t care that I’m shirtless. I don’t care that Stacey is watching. I don’t care that the neighbor opposite me is getting groceries out of his car.
I fall to my knees and cry out loud. Out of fear. Out of helplessness. Out of pain.
Today should be one of the happiest days of my life but instead it’s been tainted by the fact that even though I’ll be gaining a child, I may be about to lose the only woman I’ve ever loved.
When I eventually pick myself up and walk back to the house, Stacey is leaning against the doorframe, holding a glass of orange juice. She smirks. “I must say…the juice is good, but the entertainment is even better.”
“Fuck you, Stacey.”
“You already did that, remember? I’m pretty sure that’s why she was so upset.”
“Leave,” I say through clenched teeth. “Now.”
“I’ve got to admit, at the rate you fuck women, I’m surprised it’s taken you this long to knock somebody up.”
“What do you mean? I got you pregnant, remember? Oh no, that’s right, you lied about it. Get your own life together before you start commenting on other peoples.” I step around her, prise her fingers from the doorframe and then slam the door in her face.
“I still need my knickers, douchebag,” her muffled voice says through the door.
I collect them and screw them up into a little ball before opening the door once more. “I don’t ever want to see your face again,” I tell her as I drop them into the glass of orange juice and push them all the way down to the bottom.
She holds it away from her, seething, then lets it fall to the ground. I watch as it smashes into a hundred tiny pieces. Just like my heart did when Lori drove away.
“Hello?” Mason answers right away.
“I need you, Brother.”
He must be able to hear the devastation in my voice because he sounds nervous as he asks, “Where are you?”
“My place.”
“Sit tight,” he tells me. “I’m coming straight over.”
Half an hour later, there’s a knock at my door.
I greet Mason with the world’s most mediocre smile then glance across the yard to where Lori turned my entire world upside down with just three words.
You’re the dad.
“I don’t know what I’m going to do,” I blurt out, unable to keep my thoughts to myself any longer.
“We’ll get through this,” he says with such conviction that it’s impossible to doubt him.
“How much do you know?”
“Everything.” He looks at the ground when there’s crunching beneath his feet. He lifts a shoe up and eyes the broken glass. “Have you got a dustpan?” he simply asks, knowing better than to ask what happened. “I’ll clean this up.”
“No. It’s my mess, I’ll do…” I stop talking midsentence when he moves to the side, offering a hand to Sophia who is a couple of steps behind him.
My safe zone just turned into a danger zone. “If you’ve come to give me a hard time then don’t bother. I’ve already beat you to it.” I turn around and walk back inside, heading straight to the couch. “I’ve spent
all morning thinking about all of the mistakes I’ve made.”
Sophia sits down next to me but Mason stops in the kitchen. “Dustpan?”
“Leave it, I’ll do it later.” I sigh when he begins to open random cupboards. “Under the sink.”
Sophia leans in and hugs me. “The only reason I’m here is to support you. We love you and we’re sorry that you’re going through this. I can’t imagine how you’re feeling right now. You and Lori are my best friends. I just want you both to be happy and if that’s being together then even better.”
I swallow the lump in my throat. “Thanks, Soph.”
She pulls away. “I mean, I hate that you went back to Stacey and I hate that Lori is hurting but Jesus, you thought the baby was John’s.”
I nod. “I was going out of my mind.”
“I can’t believe she didn’t tell you at the hospital.” Mason walks out of the kitchen and gestures to the dustpan before going back outside. “I want you to know that I didn’t find out it was yours until after you did. Lori called me when she got home from the hospital. I would have told you otherwise. I’m done keeping secrets. Lord knows I’ve kept enough of them to last me a lifetime. That’s why I told you where she was in the first place.”
“Thanks for having my back. I know we haven’t made it easy for you these past couple of weeks.”
“I just feel like you took something good and pure and dirtied it up when you didn’t even have to. You’re both better than that.”
She’s right. I regret putting Lori in the position that I did. I should have waited until she knew what she wanted rather than cause her even more confusion and guilt. “So now what am I supposed to do?” I ask after half a minute of silence.
“What do you want to do?”
“I want to be with Lori. I want to be a family. I want to earn her trust back and prove to her that I’m not going to get scared and run away again.”
“Then do it. Prove it to her.”
“How am I supposed to do that when John won’t leave her alone?”
She grabs my arm and turns it over, nodding to the tattoo on the smooth underside. “Have you forgotten about this?”
“What do you mean?”
“Read it,” she says. “Out loud.”
I frown. “I am the master of my fate and the captain of my soul.”
“I know that you pretend not to believe in fate or anything else that could ruin your tough guy persona, but you got that tattoo for a reason.” She lets my arm fall back to my side. “I think it’s fate that you got that tattoo all those years ago. I think it’s fate that you’ve got it permanently inked to your skin, right where you can see it. Without knowing it, I think you got it for this exact time in your life.” I rub at the goosebumps covering my arms. “I presume you know which poem the quote is taken from.”
“Invictus,” I reply.
She nods. “Which translates to unconquerable. If that isn’t the perfect word to describe you then I don’t know what is. It’s time to step up, Buzz. It’s time to show Lori what kind of man you can be. What kind of man you are. Nobody but you has the power to determine your future. It may take some time and you may have to be a little selfless to begin with but if you want Lori, go and get her. Get our girl back.”
“You’re right.”
“She’s always right,” Mason says as he walks back into the house. “Okay, I think I’ve got most of the glass but just be careful.”
“Thanks, Brother,” I reply as he returns the dustpan back where he found it. I turn to Sophia. “I really appreciate you coming over and being so supportive. My head already feels clearer.”
“Glad I could be of assistance,” Mason says with a wink.
Sophia rolls her eyes but gives me a reassuring smile. “You’ve got this, Buzz.”
I glance down at my tattoo and pray that it’s true what Mason said.
I pray that she’s always right.
My finger hovers over the little gold button.
When I woke up this morning, it seemed like this was a good idea but now that I’m actually here, I’m not so sure. Maybe I should wait until the wounds aren’t as fresh. Maybe I’m about to add fuel to the fire. The bonfire.
And then just as I’m about to leave, I glance at my tattoo which is staring me in the face, urging me to honor it. I think of my conversation with Sophia yesterday. It’s time to be the master of my own fate. It’s time to step up and this is definitely a step in the right direction. The first step of many. I need to do this, not just for me but for everyone involved.
I take a deep breath and press the doorbell. I wait for about half a minute and just as I’m about to press it for a second time, the door swings open. John’s eyes go wide in shock but quickly narrow in anger. His nose is bruised and swollen from where I hit him and all the emotions from the past few days come flooding back. “You’re not welcome here,” he hisses, and I can hear the hate dripping off each word.
My eyes dart to his clenched fists. “I’m not here for a fight, John.”
“They why are you here?”
“To talk.”
“I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t even want to look at you.”
“I know that we’re never going to be friends but we need to try and be civil. We need to put our differences aside.”
“No we don’t,” he replies. “I don’t want anything to do with you. I don’t want to see you ever again.”
“Well you might have to. It might be unavoidable.”
“Oh, I’ll make sure I avoid you at all costs.”
“Look, I know how much you’re hurting right now. If you feel even a fraction of what I feel for Lori…”
He holds a hand up. “Let me stop you right there. My girlfriend…” he stops to correct himself. “My ex-girlfriend, thanks to you, is pregnant with another man’s baby. That’s thanks to you as well. You don’t have any idea how much I’m hurting right now.” I wedge my foot in the door when he tries to close it.
“Yes, I do. You’re forgetting that a couple of days ago, I thought the baby was yours. I’ve never felt pain like it.”
“Well it isn’t mine, is it? Now move your fucking foot.”
I don’t listen to him. “We need to leave all the bullshit behind us and put Lori first.”
He throws the door open and takes a step outside. “I’ve always put Lori first, even when I knew that she was fucking you.” He points a finger at me. “That’s right, I’ve known all along. I don’t know if you thought you were being sneaky or if you just didn’t give a shit, but I knew and I loved her enough to put her first. Even now, I’m still putting her first.” He shakes his head, his anger dissipating and turning into disappointment. “It’s just a shame she couldn’t put my feelings before yours.”
“I’m sorry, John.” Does it make me a horrible person for not considering his feelings until now? Or does it make me guilty of simply loving Lori too much? I meant it when I told her that I wanted her no matter the cost.
He laughs incredulously. “No you’re not. Why would you be sorry? You’ve won.”
“I’ve won? This isn’t a game.”
“Oh, come on. Drop the act and just be honest for once in your life. You weren’t even interested in her until you found out that she was dating somebody else.”
“That’s not true.”
“From the moment you met me, you just wanted to prove that you could take her off me. Well congratulations, you’ve got what you wanted.”
“You’re wrong. I don’t have Lori.”
“Good, I hope you never do. You don’t deserve her.”
“You’re right, I don’t deserve her. I’ll never deserve her. But by god, will I love her.”
He laughs and it makes him sound like a crazy person. “Love isn’t enough and one day she’s going to realize that.” He goes to close the door but changes his mind. “Tell me something…did you get her pregnant on purpose?”
I take a step back as though his words caus
ed a physical blow. “What? Of course not.”
“You just wanted to trap her, didn’t you? You wanted to trap the trapper.”
“You have no fucking idea what you’re talking about.”
“This is all to do with your alpha bullshit. You wanted to lay claim to her so you marked her as yours the only way that you could. You knocked her up and now she will always have baggage, thanks to you.”
“Baggage?” We’re nose to nose in less than a second. “Are you referring to my child as baggage?”
“Are you going to hit me again, tough guy? You didn’t break my nose on Friday so go on, have another try.”
I want to. I want to so fucking bad. “Don’t you dare talk about either of them in that way again.” I begin to back away from him. “I came here to apologize but it’s pretty obvious that you’re not going to accept it. I’m going to leave now before I do something I regret.”
“I’ll never accept it,” he replies. “Lori was the best thing that ever happened to me and I lost her because of you. No apology could ever make up for that.”
He slams the door in my face and I take a moment to let his words sink in. He doesn’t seem to understand that it’s a two-way street and that I could have so easily said those same words back to him.
Except for one part.
Lori is and will always be the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I finally turn around and promise myself that I’ll never look back.
Today marks one week since Lori’s accident.
It’s been the longest week of my life and without a doubt one of the hardest. The hurt still hurts and I’ve had to stop myself from going to see her every single day. Even though I hate being away from her, I want to show her that I’m serious about making things work by giving her the time that she’s asked for. I just hope that she doesn’t want too much of it.
Distraction is key. I’ve made a huge mistake by showing Mason just how productive I can actually be at work. My inbox is empty for the first time in about three years and I’ve even started doing my own filing. I hope he doesn’t think it’s going to be a long-term thing because fuck that.
