by Karli Perrin
I’ve been leaving the office around seven thirty, grabbing something to eat and then going home to read. That’s right, I read now. In other words, I spend my evenings staring at my Kindle screen instead of my phone or television. I’m almost finished with ‘The Expectant Dad’s Survival Guide’ and let’s just say that I’ll never be able to look at or even think about a vagina in the same way ever again. I’m now an expert on crowning (women deserve an actual crown after that), pelvic floor exercises and nipple shields. If I was about to experience it all with anybody other than Lori then I would be scared shitless right about now. It makes me love her even more to know what she’s about to go through for our little family. I’ve always been a fan of women, Lori in particular, but my god, women really are fucking amazing.
I grab my Kindle and dive in right where I left off. Ten minutes later, I’m reading about the difference between colic and reflux when my phone starts to vibrate next to me. I glance at it then do a double take when I see Lori’s name flash across the screen. I jump up off the sofa but my excitement is short lived when I realize that it’s the reminder that I set last week. The one which I completely forgot about.
Remind Lori to listen to you more.
I check the time.
11.28 p.m.
I sigh and run a shaky hand through my hair. I remember how beautiful she looked that night. I remember the way the streetlights danced across her face. I remember how good it felt when I told her that I loved her for the first time. I’ve wanted to tell her every day since then. I will tell her every day if she lets me.
I swipe up, dismissing the reminder but continue to stare at my phone. It’s crazy how much our lives can change in the space of a week. In the space of a minute. A second.
I wish I could turn back time. I would hold her in my arms and never let go. Fuck it, one little message won’t hurt. I open up a new draft and type out ‘I miss you’ before immediately deleting it. I type at least three more messages before finally settling on ‘28’. I’m about to press send when a noise distracts me. It sounds like music in the distance or maybe coming from a car. I look out of the window but can’t see anything so walk over to the front door. I wouldn’t usually bother to check but it’s getting late and it sounds like it’s coming from right outside my house. As I get closer, the music becomes clearer. It’s more of a tune without lyrics.
I push down on the door handle and freeze when I see Lori standing in front of me. The music that I could hear is coming from her phone and it becomes a backing track while we stare at each other as though we’re just now seeing each other for the first time. My eyes trace the contours of her face. Every beautiful laughter line. Every undeserved frown line. Lord knows I’ve been the cause of too many of them recently.
Fuck, I can’t live without this woman for another minute.
I know without a doubt that I will never connect with anybody like this ever again. This is a once in a lifetime love. It’s what people spend their whole lives chasing. It’s too good to lose. She is too good to lose.
She finally holds up her cell. “I set an alarm too, Buzz.”
I don’t even know what that means for our relationship but a slow smile creeps across my face. Surely that’s got to be a good sign. She taps her phone and the alarm stops. The new-found silence doesn’t last long as the tension between us is deafening. The air is full of unspoken regrets, apologies and promises.
I promise to keep you safe.
I promise to earn your trust back.
I promise to love you forever.
I could have said any of those things. I should have said all of those things. But instead I go with, “Hi.”
Good job, Buzz.
She smiles and when her eyes crinkle up in the corners, my stomach flutters. Fuck, did I just get butterflies? I thought that shit only happened in movies.
“Hi,” she replies.
“How are you?”
“I’ve been better.” My eyes fall to her stomach. “Oh, no, everything is fine,” she adds quickly.
I breathe a sigh of relief. “Good. That’s good.” She nods and I shift from one foot to the other. Why am I so nervous? I guess it could have something to do with the fact that my whole fucking future is about to be decided. My entire world could be about to get turned upside down once again. “Do you want to…” I begin to say at the same time as Lori says, “I think we need to…”
“Sorry,” I say. “You go.”
“No, it’s fine. Go ahead.”
“I was just going to ask if you wanted to come inside.”
She nods and relief rushes through me. At least she’s willing to talk. I close the door behind her and watch as she walks over to the couch. Don’t fuck this up, Buzz. This is your chance.
She spots my Kindle and I laugh as her eyes widen in surprise. “You bought a Kindle?”
“I did.”
“But…why?”
I sit down next to her. “Why do you think?”
“No idea. To watch porn?”
I feign shock. “You can watch porn on that thing? Teach me.”
She laughs and shakes her head. “Same old Buzz.”
My smile fades and a knot forms in my stomach. “That’s the thing, Lor. I’m not the same. I’ve changed, or at least, I’m changing. I know you’ll probably need to see it to believe it but I’m becoming a better man. I’m becoming the man that I should have always been and that’s all down to you.”
She holds my gaze. “No, that’s down to you. I can’t make a person change. Only you have the power to do that.”
“You haven’t made me change but you inspire me to do better. To be better. Not just for myself but for the both of us.” I glance down at her stomach again, even though it’s way too early for her to have a bump. “For the three of us.” Her eyes are glossy as I take her hand in mine. “And I’m truly thankful for that. You’ve always accepted me for who I am and allowed me to figure things out in my own time. All throughout my life, people have tried to change me. I’ve always been too loud or too wild or too confident. My father, my teachers, my ex’s - they all tried to turn me into somebody I’m not and all it did was push me away. It made me defensive, even when I actually agreed with some of it. I didn’t want to be told who I should be or how I should act. I didn’t want to accept that there were parts of me that they didn’t like. But not once have you ever made me feel like that. You make me feel accepted and loved and I hope you know how loved you are, Lori. You’re it for me. I used to look at Mason and other couples and wonder why I’ve never felt anything more than a physical attraction for anybody and now I know why. Now it’s crystal fucking clear. It’s because none of those girls were you. I was waiting for you without even knowing it. You will always be my first and last love. Whatever happens between us, I will be the luckiest man on earth to simply have you in my life.”
She wipes at the tears running down her face. “Jesus, Buzz. It’s already bad enough with all of these pregnancy hormones.”
I chuckle. “I’m sorry. I just want to put it all out there. I don’t want any regrets.”
“Well now it’s my turn.” I nod and swallow hard. “I know that you went to see John.”
“I didn’t go to start any trouble.”
“I know you didn’t. I heard your whole conversation.”
I frown. “You heard it? How?”
“I was there.”
“At his house? On Sunday?” She nods and my heart sinks. She was probably there to work things out with him. I hold my breath as I wait for her to break the news that they’re back together. To break my heart.
“I think it was very mature of you to apologize to him. You did the right thing.”
I shrug. “He didn’t seem to think so.”
“Give him some time. I’m sure he will eventually appreciate it.”
Give him some time? I’m guessing that means I’ll be seeing him again at some point in the future.
“Whatever you need,” I sa
y, looking down at my feet. I can’t even bear to look at her. The pain will be written all over my fucking face.
“Buzz, look at me.” I sigh and do as she says. “I was there on Sunday to collect the rest of my things.” My heart begins to race. “And for closure.”
“And did you get it?”
“Yes, I did. We both did. It’s over. I’m just sorry it took so long. It’s time for all of us to start a new chapter.”
I desperately want to be a part of that chapter. I turn so that I’m facing her completely. “Look, Lor. I know it must be hard to love me. I know that it might feel like a huge risk. But I need you to know that if you take the risk, I’ll spend the rest of my life proving to you that it was the right thing to do.”
“John said something to you the other day which stuck in my head. He said that love isn’t enough. Well he was wrong. Love is enough. Love will always be enough. Maybe not for him but it is for me. A couple of weeks ago you told me that if two people can’t seem to stay away from each other then maybe it’s because they’re not supposed to. I didn’t want to believe it at the time because I felt guilty, but you were right. I tried to fight it but I’m done fighting. Life is too short. At the end of it all, when we’re old and grey, the only thing we will have left is love. The only thing that will matter is the people around us. I want you to be there with me, Buzz. I want you. I want us.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure. And for the record, you are so easy to love. The only thing which I found hard was trying not to love you.”
“Yeah, please don’t try to do that ever again.”
She laughs. “I’ve missed you so much.”
“I’ve missed you too.” I take her face into my hands and kiss her softly, making up for lost time. She squeals when I gently scoop her up into my arms and carry her towards the bedroom. “Well, I guess we should go and make some babies now. Oh wait, we already did that.”
She giggles. “Yep, no need for any more of that.” She sighs, feigning disappointment. “Oh well, I guess we will just have to take the Kindle with us instead.”
I wheel back around. “Oh yeah, we can’t forget that.”
She grins. “So you do love me.”
I lean down so she can grab it off the table. “I do. I really fucking do.” I carry her back towards the bedroom and kick open the door as I say, “I also love porn.”
I lower her onto the bed and look down at my whole entire world.
It wasn’t easy to get here but it was so worth it.
Twelve months later
“I have to admit,” I say to Mason, looking around the room at hundreds of happy, smiling faces. “Out of all of your weddings, this one is definitely my favorite.”
He chuckles. “All of my weddings? Fuck you.”
“Oh, I’m sure Lori will be more than happy to oblige. Maybe we could borrow the honeymoon suite?”
He feigns shock. “Wait - you still get laid? I thought all of the fun stuff stops when you have a baby.”
“Nah, man,” I reply, keeping a straight face. Sure, our sex life has slowed down since the baby arrived, but it hasn’t stopped. I’ll still never admit to him that for the past five months, our bed has mostly been used for sleeping. That’s if four hours of broken sleep a night can even be classed as sleeping. “Lori’s hormones are raging. Some days I’m exhausted. We do it at least twice a day.” And now we’re suddenly playing two truths, one lie.
“You wish,” Lori says, appearing out of nowhere. I swear she’s a fucking magician or maybe I’m the magician for being able to summon her at the most inappropriate times.
“There’s my little buddy,” Mason says, going all gooey-eyed as she hands him the baby. “I’ve told you to stop leaving me alone with your daddy.”
“A baby looks good on you, Brother.”
He winks and lowers his voice as he says, “We’re hoping to make a honeymoon baby.”
Lori smiles knowingly. “You’re going to make wonderful parents.”
“You’re on diaper duty today then,” I tell him, patting him on the back. “Trust me, you’ll need the practice. Just make sure he doesn’t pee all over your suit.” I spot Sophia in the corner of my eye, shuffling her way over to us. I have no idea how she hasn’t tripped up over her long ivory dress. “Hey, cockblocker,” I say to her, quiet enough so that the old lady behind her doesn’t hear.
She rolls her eyes. “Not funny, Buzz. It wasn’t funny the first fifty times you said it and it still isn’t funny now.” She gestures to the woman behind her and then gives me a pointed look as if to say, ‘be on your best behavior’. “This is my grandma.”
“No way! I thought you were sisters. You look way too young to be a grandma. Show me some I.D right now, young lady.”
She chuckles. “Those lines don’t work on me anymore, boy.”
Lori bursts out laughing. “Oh, I’ve missed you. It’s been too long, Val.”
“I’ve missed you too, honey. I’ve been dying to meet the baby.” She turns to Mason, arms outstretched. “Come on, hand him over.” He knows what’s best for him and does as he’s told. “Oh my gosh,” she says, stroking his ridiculously chubby cheeks. “Aren’t you just the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen! I could eat you up!” She glances at me and then back to the baby. “I may have to take you home with me.”
“Thank you for the offer,” I reply. “But I’m in a committed relationship so I’m going to have to politely decline.”
Lori nudges me and Sophia sighs but Val just chuckles. “You know, you look just like your daddy. I bet you’re going to be just like him when you grow up, aren’t you? Your mommy is going to have her hands full.”
My chest swells with pride. My mini me. My boy.
“Well, he is named after his daddy,” Lori adds. “Some days I wonder if we made a mistake doing that.” She winks at me and I know that there’s not even an ounce of truth in what she just said. Twelve months ago, on the night that we got back together, we stayed up all night talking about anything and everything. As we watched the sunrise, I thought it was about time I told her my real name and from that moment on, she was absolutely adamant that if we had a boy, that’s what we should call him. After a lot of persuasion, I agreed to it but only if I got to choose a girl’s name. She was fine until I told her that she was going to be called, ‘I can’t date until I’m thirty five’.
“I’ve forgotten his name,” Val says while sticking her tongue out and making silly faces. “I can’t concentrate on anything other than his big gummy smile.”
“Link,” I tell her.
“Lincoln Junior,” Lori adds. “But we call him Link most of the time.”
I take her hand in mine and place a gentle kiss over the infinity tattoo on her wrist, the twin to my own. Sometimes I’m caught off guard by just how much I love her and our little family. My love for them is infinite.
“That’s a beautiful name,” Val replies, bringing me back down to earth.
“I guess we have my mom to thank,” I joke. At first, I was worried that it was going to feel weird sharing the same name but now I absolutely love it. I feel like it has brought us even closer together and that we will always be connected. Linked. Besides, nobody has called me by my real name for well over ten years so adding junior to the end was a little unnecessary.
“So why do people call you Buzz?” Val asks. “What’s the story behind it?”
I can’t help but laugh when three pairs of eyes shoot in my direction, awaiting my response. “Um, well, a long time ago, I was having…”
“Look over there, Grandma,” Sophia says, desperately trying to change the subject. “Ed’s back from the bar.” She points at an old man on the other side of the room. “Didn’t you say that he wanted to meet the baby, too?”
“About time,” she replies. “I was starting to think that he had ditched me and gone home. Who is he gossiping to now? He’s worse than me.”
“Who’s Ed?” I ask.
&n
bsp; “My boyfriend. We met on Tinder last year.”
I laugh. “You have Tinder?”
“Not at the moment. Not until I get bored of Ed. I didn’t delete my account, I just disabled it.” She turns to Lori. “Do you mind if I steal Lincoln for ten minutes? I swear I’ll bring him back.”
“Which Lincoln?” I ask, one eyebrow raised. “Bored of Ed already?”
“Oh, sweetie, you wouldn’t be able to handle me. Besides, I said ten minutes, not ten seconds.”
She walks away and I’m left open mouthed as Lori, Mason and Sophia all burst into hysterics. I look around the circle at my crazy little family and can’t help but join in.
I guess I deserved that.
And they all lived happily ever after.
To infinity and beyond.
The End.
Acknowledgements
To Buzz – what a wild ride! I will always have a soft spot for you.
To my family – I love you to infinity.
To Jay – thank you for designing my awesome cover.
To my beta readers – Ann, Courtney, Karen, Michelle, Rachel and Sarah. Thank you for your invaluable feedback and for believing in my words.
To Roxy - thank you for being such a good friend. Your support and encouragement mean the world to me. I’m so glad the internet brought us together.
To Colleen Hoover - thank you for being an inspiration and for supporting fellow authors. Knowing that my words have been inside your head is mind-blowing! You will always be my unicorn.
To my blogger friends - thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedules to not only read Buzz, but to shout about it too. Every single like, share and comment is very much appreciated.
And last but not least, to my readers - thank you so much! I couldn’t do this without you. I hope you love Buzz as much as I do. Please come and say hi on social media. I read every single comment and message.
