Embracing the Dawn

by Jeannie Levig

  “I don’t think you do, because if you did, your little sister wouldn’t be lying in there with her head bandaged.”

  Pablo’s jaw clenched and his neck muscles tightened.

  “If you knew what you were doing, she could sit on her front porch without your rival gang coming by gunning for you. If you knew what you were doing, your mother wouldn’t be in there praying for the lives of both her children right now.”

  “Shut the fuck up,” Pablo said, his voice rising. “My family’s none of your business.” He spun to leave.

  Jinx jumped in front of him. “None of my business?” Her pitch matched his. “You don’t have any problem with your family being my business when I drive your mom to work or the grocery store, or when I help Angelita. Or even when I give you money to buy your mom a birthday present. But now, all of a sudden, none of you are my business?”

  “Get out of the way,” Pablo said.

  “No.” Jinx squared off in front of him. “If you’re going to go, you’re going to have to go through me.”

  A small gasp escaped E. J.’s lips. Jinx was taller than Pablo, but Pablo was stockier and had at least twenty pounds on her.

  “Get the fuck out of the way,” Pablo said again, his tone menacing.

  “No,” Jinx said more firmly.

  Pablo started to move past her, shoving her aside.

  Jinx grabbed his shoulder and yanked him back.

  He spun and took a swing at her.

  In one smooth motion, she dodged the punch, then caught his wrist as he came around, twisted his arm behind his back, and shoved him forward into the wall. She pinned him with her body. “You’re not going,” she said through gritted teeth.

  “Get off me, bitch,” Pablo yelled.

  “You want me off you? Then what? Then you go hunt down the shooter and kill him? Then his gang sends someone after you, and this time they do take you out? Or maybe this time, it’s your mom they hit—because you bangers don’t seem to be too smart. All it takes is a hat to confuse you.”

  Pablo jerked against Jinx’s hold but couldn’t move.

  “Or, if you don’t end up dead, you get sent away. You think that’s easy? Who’s going to take care of your family, then? Who’s going to look out for Angelita while your mom works two jobs, or maybe even takes on a third one so she can put money on your books, because you know she will.” Jinx pressed closer to Pablo’s ear, and something in her demeanor seemed to shift. Her voice hardened. “And believe me, you’re gonna want her to, even though it’s gonna suck her dry, because let me tell you what it’s like in there when you got nobody on the outside, when you got no money coming in.”

  He struggled against her.

  She pushed him harder against the wall. “If you got nobody on the outside sending you money, sending you things you need, you got nothing to trade. Oh, wait. No, you do have something to trade. You got your body. And believe me, a little piece like you? You’re gonna be in high demand. So you’re gonna need to find someone to ride with. Some Big Daddy who can protect you. But he ain’t gonna do it for free. No, there’s a price, and it’s a high one. It’s your dignity. But you’re gonna be willing to pay it, because the alternative is worse. The alternative lands you in the ding wing on brake fluid or doing a dance on the blacktop.”

  E. J. had no idea what Jinx was talking about, but it hit home with Pablo.

  He stilled.

  “Meanwhile,” Jinx said, adjusting her hold. “All you’re gonna be able to do is wonder about your family. How’s your mama holding up under the pain of losing her son to the streets? What’s Angelita learning about life with the stellar example you’ve been? Is she still in her accelerated classes? Is she still working toward going to college? Or is she spreading her legs every Saturday night for one of your homies? And that’s given she even wakes up tonight.”

  “Shut the fuck up,” Pablo screamed.

  “What’s the matter, tough guy? If you can’t even hear about it, how you gonna live it? Huh? How you gonna wake up every morning being a piece of meat with no family ’cept the one you pay such a high price for in there, ’cept the one that’ll turn on you at the slightest misstep. While your real family, who you think taking care of tonight is going out and killing someone, forgets you, or doesn’t want anything to do with you.” Jinx’s face contorted, and she squeezed her eyes shut, but her voice remained steady.

  Pablo’s chest heaved, and he began to cry.

  “You’re not that guy, Pablo,” Jinx said quietly. “You’re not this guy, tonight. You’re the guy who lies on the floor with his little sister, helping her make friendship bracelets out of gum wrappers. You’re the guy who still holds his mom’s hand when she’s worried or scared, the one who really wants to be in there with her, now. You’re the guy whose favorite thing to do is sit in the park and sketch little kids on the swings or dogs chasing squirrels. Be that guy,” she added softly.

  Pablo slumped against the wall and cried quietly.

  Jinx shifted from pinning him to embracing him.

  E. J. exhaled the breath she’d been holding. She glanced down the hall and locked eyes with one of Pablo’s friends.

  His expression was unreadable. He turned and walked away.

  “Let’s go back inside. Let’s go support your mama. That’s taking care of family,” Jinx murmured to Pablo. She released her hold and dropped an arm over his shoulders.

  He wiped his face on his sleeve and nodded.

  As Pablo talked to the nurse at the window and was ushered back to sit with his mother and sister, E. J. studied Jinx. She wondered what toll the visit to her past had taken on her. She looked a little shaken. E. J. slipped her arms around Jinx’s neck and felt her trembling. “You did good,” she whispered.

  Jinx came to her easily and rested her head on E. J.’s shoulder.

  It was almost dawn before Angelita woke, and word came out that she would be fine. She had a concussion and stitches and would need to be careful with the fracture, but all would heal quickly. The emotional trauma of being shot, however, would undoubtedly take longer.

  On the way home, E. J. sat curled sideways in the passenger’s seat of her car, watching Jinx. Jinx had loaned her Toyota to one of Mercedes’s sisters, who had to leave before the rest of the family to get to work on time. E. J. liked watching Jinx drive. She liked the way one hand draped over the steering wheel while the other rested on E. J.’s thigh. She liked being able to examine Jinx’s profile without being noticed. They hadn’t spoken since they had left the hospital, each lost in her own thoughts.

  “I’m glad you were there tonight,” Jinx said finally.

  E. J. shifted her gaze from Jinx’s earlobe to the muscles of her jaw as she spoke. “Me, too,” she said, still a little unfocused.

  She pictured Jinx’s face, the face now closed and contemplative, as it had been during the altercation with Pablo. It had been so intense, so many emotions passing over it—sincerity, concern, anger, pain, relief—all in such a short period of time. Regardless of what she had been feeling, despite whatever emotions and memories were being resurrected, she had been relentless. She had thought only of Pablo and how devastatingly his life could have been changed if he had walked out that door. She had fought for Pablo—and won. At least for tonight.

  “I wish you hadn’t seen me like that,” Jinx said as though reading E. J.’s mind.

  Startled out of her trance, E. J. straightened slightly. “Why?” she asked, confused.

  “Because that isn’t who I am anymore.” Jinx remained focused on the early-morning traffic.

  “It’s a part of you, Jinx. Everything you’ve been through makes up who you are today. Everything you’ve been through makes up…” The words in her mind were the woman I love, but she caught herself before they came tumbling out. Whoa. She’d have to think about that one, later. Instead, she said, “…who you’ve become. And who you’ve been and who you are today came together to help Pablo, and I’m thrilled I was there to see it
. It was the most amazing thing. I was so proud of you.”

  Jinx looked incredulous. “Really?”

  “You kept him from making a bad decision that would have changed his life forever. It’s admirable.”

  “It didn’t scare you?”

  E. J. recalled the instant when Jinx had stepped in front of Pablo to block his way. “A little, when it became physical. I didn’t know if he’d hurt you.”

  Jinx turned to her, eyes wide. “You thought he’d hurt me?”

  E. J. laughed and stroked Jinx’s hand. “I know, silly me. I certainly know better, now.” She tilted her head and gave Jinx a lascivious smile. “Is it okay that I thought it was kind of hot?”

  Jinx grinned. “Absolutely. Anything you find hot, as long as it’s to do with me, is more than okay.”

  As they pulled into the driveway, Jinx thumped her fist against the steering wheel. “Damn it! I didn’t make anything for Kenny last night.”

  “I did,” E. J. said, marginally self-satisfied. Did that make her a hero, too?

  “You did?”

  “Mm-hm. I threw together a couple of PB&Js and some fruit before I left to take Pete to Reggie and Sparkle. It wasn’t lobster, but he didn’t seem to mind.”

  Jinx leaned across the console and kissed her. “You are awesome.”

  E. J. smiled. “Thank you for noticing. I’m also exhausted. Can we sleep for a while?”

  “You bet,” Jinx said, climbing out of the car.

  As E. J. crawled into bed, she reveled in its comfort. Had it always been this soft, or was it simply in contrast to the hard plastic chairs in the waiting room? She let out a deep sigh. “This feels so good. I’m so tired.”

  Jinx slipped in beside her and rested on an elbow. She gazed down at E. J. “We didn’t get a chance to talk about what happened between us yesterday. Are you okay?”

  E. J. looked into Jinx’s eyes, touched that, with everything else that had happened since, she was thinking about their argument. “Yes,” she said softly. “Between what you said to me about not dumping you every time I get scared and everything tonight with Pablo and Angelita, I realized I need to put things into perspective. I need to be honest about who I am.” She swallowed against a tide of emotion. “I thought about Mandy when Angelita was in the ER, and what that would be like, and I realized, if something happened to her, or me, she wouldn’t have even known her mother. Especially now.” She traced the curve of Jinx’s lower lip. “She wouldn’t know anything about how happy I am.”

  Jinx kissed the tip of E. J.’s finger. “And Jacob?”

  Fear lingered in E. J.’s heart, but she took strength from Jinx’s proximity. “Jacob, too,” she said. “I don’t know when or how I’m going to do it, but I need to be honest with both of them. And I have to trust.”

  Jinx said nothing for a long moment. “Now, I’m proud of you.” She kissed her gently on the lips.

  “And,” E. J. said, tearing her attention away from Jinx’s mouth. “After our disagreement and watching you with Pablo, I don’t think I want to fight with you anymore. You’re too good. You’ll always win. It would be bad for my self-esteem.”

  “Very wise decision.”

  E. J. considered the different side of Jinx she had seen. “Can I ask you something?”

  “Anything.”

  “What were those things you were saying to Pablo? The wing ding?”

  Jinx chuckled. “Ding wing,” she said. “That’s the psych ward.”

  “Psych ward?”

  “In prison. It’s slang for the psych ward. And brake fluid is psych meds. They stop you in your tracks.”

  “What about the dance on the blacktop?”

  Jinx’s expression clouded. “It means getting stabbed.”

  E. J. drew in a breath. “I’m sorry.”

  “It’s okay, baby,” Jinx said, trailing her fingers through E. J.’s hair. “That’s all in the past. I’m here, now. With you.”

  “Yes, you are.” E. J. pressed her palm to Jinx’s chest. She felt her steady heartbeat. “And I’m here with you.”

  Jinx sighed. “That amazes me.”

  “Why?” E. J. smoothed the fabric of Jinx’s shirt.

  “Because of where here is.” Jinx glanced around the room. She laughed. “I can’t believe I brought you here that first time. I was just so excited to see you again, that’s all I could think of.”

  E. J. smiled. “I love this place. I told you that.”

  “Because it reminds you of your grandparents’ house.”

  “That’s what I thought, at first.” E. J. caressed the hollow of Jinx’s throat. “But now I know it’s you I feel here. Your warmth. Your…” She searched for the exact word. “Your authenticity. Your heart.”

  Jinx pursed her lips. “What I’m about to say seems so obvious, but I still need to say it.” She paused. “E. J., I don’t have anything.”

  E. J. fought back a swell of emotion. “Sweetie, you have everything I need.”

  “You know what I mean.” Jinx rested her head on her arm, her lips close to E. J.’s ear.

  “You mean money.”

  “Yes.”

  “I have money. Enough for both of us for a very long time.”

  “Oh,” Jinx said, a smile in her voice. “So I get to be a kept woman?”

  E. J. stared at the ceiling, enjoying the feather-light play of Jinx’s breath on her neck. She laughed. “You won’t get any argument out of me. I think that sounds fun. But somehow, I think you have way more to do in the world than sit around and wait for me. I think it’s interesting that we both know both worlds, though.”

  “You mean because you grew up wealthy, but still shared your grandparents’ life and home? And I spent most of my childhood living at the estate, but also have lived without much of anything?”

  The hush of Jinx’s voice, the warmth of her breath, soothed E. J. She turned her head, until her cheek pressed against Jinx’s, and closed her eyes. “Mm-hm,” she murmured. “So, wherever we are, we know we’ll be happy.”

  “You’re happy?” Jinx draped her arm across E. J.’s stomach and snuggled closer.

  “Very,” E. J. whispered. “And before yesterday, I thought I could be completely happy right here, just like this, forever. But now…”

  Jinx raised her head and waited.

  E. J. opened her eyes and stroked Jinx’s cheek. “Now, I want it all. I want you. I want this.” She kissed her tenderly. “And I want my kids. I want all of it, all of you, all together. And, yes, I do want my job and money.”

  “Then all of it you shall have.” Jinx slid her that slow, easy smile.

  E. J.’s arousal ignited. “Oh God. Don’t do that. I’m too tired to make love.” It was something she thought she would never say where Jinx was concerned, but her body had its limits.

  “What?” Jinx asked with the best, wide-eyed innocent expression E. J. had ever seen.

  “You know exactly what.” E. J. turned onto her side in defense and pulled Jinx’s arm around her. “You know what that smile does to me.”

  Jinx settled in behind her. “I don’t know what you mean,” she murmured in E. J.’s ear. Her warm breath fanned E. J.’s desire.

  E. J. moaned softly as Jinx’s hand ran down her side and slipped beneath her T-shirt to find bare skin, before it inched lower. Her touch was now so familiar, so knowing. E. J. parted her thighs as one finger slid between them. She moaned softly. Maybe there would never be a time when her body was too tired for Jinx.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  E. J. sipped her third cup of decaf for the evening as she stood in the doorway of her kitchen and examined the elegance of her living room, trying to imagine how Jinx would see it. The hardwood floors were polished to a high sheen, and finely stitched Persian rugs designated the sitting area that held a large, plush sectional sofa in front of an enormous fireplace, the rock facing of which stretched all the way to the fourteen-foot ceiling. A shiny, black baby grand piano sat on a raised platform in th
e corner. Delicately crafted, smoked glass lamps lit the room.

  She had bought and decorated the place primarily with money out of her divorce settlement, which allowed her a large enough down payment that she was able to pay off the balance quickly with her ample salary from Bad Dog. Marcus had been extremely generous in their split—out of guilt for the affair, E. J. suspected, though she had assured him guilt was unnecessary—and between that and her steady climb up the corporate ladder, she was financially flush. She had never had cause, however, to wonder about her life through someone else’s eyes, particularly someone as down-to-earth as Jinx. She had always felt somewhat uncomfortable in this space but viewed that as fine, given she mostly only slept there and, even that, only about half the time.

  But now, she was nervous. Jinx was stepping into her life for the very first time.

  In the weeks since the shooting, a lot had changed. E. J. had spent the weekends, and any additional time she had, with Jinx and Pete. They seemed to be settling into an easy routine. Kenny had gone into the VA hospital with a severe bladder infection, and a sister who had been looking for him in the system, found him. He had accepted her invitation to come live with her in San Diego. Pablo, Mercedes, and Angelita had been staying with one of Mercedes’s sisters across town, outside of the gang’s territory, and were now officially moving in with her so Pablo could make a fresh start. He had begun art classes at a community center, and Reggie had given him a job in the kennels. He planned to enroll at the junior college for fall courses. Jinx, of course, was helping him with his GED.

  E. J. had yet to face her moment of honesty with either of her children. She’d had the idea of getting together with Jacob and Mandy tomorrow for her birthday and having the conversation then, but she had learned both kids, along with Tiffany and Mandy’s boyfriend, Russ, had plans to spend the weekend in New York. There had been no mention of her birthday, but she had no one but herself to blame for that, since she hadn’t celebrated with them in years. With everyone out of town, she had decided to invite Jinx to Sacramento. But E. J. was tiring of all the sneaking around and of her heart jumping every time her phone displayed an incoming call from Jacob, always wondering if Tiffany had unintentionally—or intentionally, for that matter—let the proverbial cat out of the bag. She had to do it soon.