Among the Stars

by Renee Porter

  “I know. His music is so relatable. He doesn’t talk about having sex or getting high. It feels like his lyrics explain so much of actual life.”

  Taylor pulled her eyes away and glanced in the mirror. She smirked at me and my own smile formed.

  “Bruce Wellington is great. But I’m in a mood for…yes! There it is!”

  The music filled the car instantaneously as an old song played over the speakers. I had never heard this particular song before, with its fast beat and catchy chorus.

  “I love this song too! Turn it up, Dana.” Taylor shifted her weight so her head was peaking between the two front seats. She started to sing along, her voice matching in perfect tune with the woman’s over the radio.

  “I’ve never heard it.” I stated as I really started to listen to the words. My heart started to pump as I realized just what was being sung. I didn’t know why I was having such a reaction but suddenly my head felt a little fuzzy.

  “How have you not heard this song?” Dana asked in astonishment.

  I swallowed against a rock in my throat. “What is it called?”

  “All the Things She Said, by T.a.T.u.” Taylor stated while taking a break from singing the chorus. I knew I had heard the lyrics right just then. But what I didn’t know is why the song made my stomach flop.

  “The group is from Russia. It was a huge controversy because they pretended to be a couple to gain a following of LGBTQ fans and then it came out they were just doing it for publicity.”

  I heard Dana’s words but I couldn’t break my attention away from every lyric that was being sung. I think that if I heard just the song itself, I might not have heard every word clearly, but Taylor singing along helped me understand what exactly was being said. And her voice saying those words made my stomach tighten even more.

  “It’s good.” I managed to scratch out. I released a breath I didn’t know I was holding when the song finally ended.

  I was quiet the rest of the car ride, listening to Dana and Taylor talk about a common teacher they had. I was grateful for the distraction and after I dropped Dana off at her house, the knot in my stomach had diminished to a small pit. I waved as Dana opened her door and forced a smile when Taylor took her seat in the front.

  “You’re sure you’re okay with taking me home? I think I can get Bryce to pick me up from here.” She motioned toward Dana’s house and I shook my head immediately.

  “It’s fine. It’s not that far out of the way.” It was a lie and I know that Taylor knew the same thing. But I didn’t mind dropping her off and I really didn’t want Bryce to pick her up. Even though I didn’t even know who he was.

  “So, who is Bryce?” I pulled out onto the street. The rain had formed into a light drizzle and misted the windshield.

  “He’s my aunts’ son. He’s staying with us for a few months until his moms come back from their promotional tour.”

  “His moms?”

  Taylor chuckled at my surprise and fixed the beanie on her head. “They are my parents’ best friends. Charlie and Ryan Baker?” Again, my eyes widened. I knew those names very well.

  “Wow. Okay. Your parents are best friends with Charlie and Ryan Baker. Good to know.” I kept nodding my head as I tried to think about how it would be being best friends of such a well-known couple.

  “Anyway, Bryce is a year younger than me and we basically grew up together until we moved here from Los Angeles.”

  The way she spoke about Bryce sent warning bells into my brain. The emotion was evident and I knew that there was more to it. Maybe they were dating. Maybe she liked him as more than a friend. Maybe they were already planning to get married and have children. It made sense, didn’t it? I couldn’t imagine Bryce being unattractive with either genes from Charlie or Ryan and he was probably just as nice as Taylor was.

  My assumption was confirmed when I pulled up to Taylor’s house. Sitting outside on the porch bench was a tall, attractive boy. His eyes lit up as the car pulled in and gave Taylor a crooked grin and wave.

  “That’s Bryce. Want me to introduce you two?”

  I hesitated for an instant too long and Taylor furrowed her brows at me. I had been silent for the rest of the ride and even I knew that the silence was not a comfortable one.

  When I didn’t speak, Taylor continued. “Are you okay? You look a little pale.” Taylor moved to place her hand on me and I flinched away from it. Again, she looked at me with confusion. I shook my head as I tried to understand why the pit in my stomach had grown back into a tightly, tangled knot.

  “I’m fine. I just,” I looked at Bryce again who was now standing and waiting for Taylor. That knot tightened even more and my breath started to come in quicker bursts. “You need to go. He’s waiting.” It was said as unkindly as it sounded but I didn’t mean for it to come out that way. I wanted to take back my words but I was afraid that I would pass out right there. I swallowed harshly, not looking at Taylor but seeing enough of her expression in my peripheral vision. I could have cursed myself for acting so strange. Taylor and I had finally started to get along and here I was pushing us back to the start.

  “Fine. Whatever. Thanks, for the ride, I guess.” Taylor’s words were just as harsh as she slammed the door behind her. I wanted to call out and apologize but the only thing I could do was drive away before my eyes could catch up with Taylor walking toward Bryce.

  +++

  I couldn’t sleep that night. The T.a.T.u. song played over in my head like a broken record. Every time I closed my eyes, I envisioned Taylor singing along with the words, her bright smile trained in my direction. Her eyes would sparkle like the heavens and my chest would grow tighter. I would open my eyes to darkness and shake my head to only myself. What was happening to me?

  Over the next few days I downloaded every T.a.T.u. song I could find. I researched almost every article ever written on them and even found artists that were similar to the Russian duo. By the end of the week, I had a whole library filled with songs about women finding love with other women, and I couldn’t stop listening to them even if I tried.

  I didn’t want to feel the excitement that boiled in my veins when I envisioned the song playing as a movie in my mind. But those feelings came anyway. After school, I would rush home just to play my soundtrack and try to find music videos that played along with the visions I created in my mind. And each time that excitement would come. And each time I would feel myself getting more confused but also repeating one simple phrase.

  I’m not gay.

  Those words would follow me throughout my days and nights while listening and watching my new obsession. I told myself that I was just curious. I prided myself on being an analytical person that loved to learn about new things. And since this subject was extremely new to me, I figured it was my own curiosity for learning about homosexuality that was the reason behind these feelings. I wasn’t excited because the music videos showed two girls kissing. I was excited because I have never really seen two girls kiss before. How did it feel? Was it soft? Was it warm? Did it feel the same way as kissing a boy? Did they feel the same attraction that two heterosexual individuals felt for one another?

  At the time, I began to believe that it was only my thirst for knowledge that kept me watching and researching. But then, as I lay awake thinking one night, I realized that me wanting to just learn about it couldn’t be the reason at all. Because if it was, I would get the same feeling when thinking about gay men, too.

  I tried to prove myself wrong on my sudden thought. I started to research everything about gay relationships and my heart broke with what I found. I was wrong all along. I felt nothing. No twinges in my stomach. No sudden excitement. No feelings at all.

  I cried. A lot. For some reason, I just couldn’t stop. In the day time, I would be the normal Jennifer Hunter. I would laugh with Dana, and talk to my friends and family. But at night, when I was alone with my thoughts, the emotions over took everything. There were no distractions for me to hide behind then. It was o
nly me alone with my mind and I was coming to a very perplexing conclusion.

  I might like girls. And that terrified me.

  +++

  To my surprise, Taylor invited me to her eighteenth birthday. She hadn’t spoken much to me since the incident in the car and I seriously thought about not going. If it weren’t for Dana prodding me, I would probably be sitting at home alone, thinking about ways to trick my body to turn off its sudden attraction toward girls.

  “Your mom’s cupcakes are to die for.” Dana moaned and took another large bite as I kept an eye on the gathering group around us. “Don’t you want one?”

  I shook my head and my stomach grumbled unpleasantly at the thought of putting anything in it.

  “You love your moms cupcakes, though. Why aren’t you diving in?” Dana looked at me as she finally realized that something may be wrong.

  I had lost a lot of weight, but it wasn’t because I was trying. Food, even my mother’s cupcakes, hadn’t been sounding good to me at all. I ate when I needed to and that was it. Just enough to keep me alive.

  “I just don’t have a sweet tooth tonight.” I’m sure my flat tone wasn’t lost on Dana. I just didn’t want to talk about me at all.

  “That’s strange. I think you do have a sweet tooth. You’ve been eyeing that piece of candy all night.” Dana motioned her head over to where Bryce and Taylor were laughing with a group of our friends.

  My stomach roiled even more than if I had eaten ten cupcakes in a row.

  “Don’t you think he’s adorable?” Dana swooned. I nodded my head wanting her to believe that I thought the same. In all actuality, my eyes hadn’t been on Bryce at all. He just happened to always be by Taylor, a notion that made me even more sick.

  “Do you think they’re dating?” The question was out before I could even decide if I wanted to ask it or not. Dana thought for a moment, took the last bite of her cupcake and wiped her hands on a nearby napkin.

  “They could be. They seem close. And if they’re not, I’m sure one of them likes the other.”

  “Why do you think that?”

  “Because a boy and a girl can’t be close friends without some sort of attraction.”

  I bit my lip and considered Dana’s words. “If they’re not dating, do you think he likes her? Or the other way around?”

  I was sure that Dana was interested with why I was bringing this up, but I was hopeful that she would just think I was making conversation.

  “I have a feeling it would be Bryce that likes Taylor. If you think about it, he’s a year younger than her and I don’t think she’s one that would go for a younger guy.”

  “So, you think she likes older…guys?” I had to be careful with my words. It wouldn’t do me any good if I started talking about if she still thought Taylor might like girls, too. That would just lead to thoughts I wasn’t ready to say aloud.

  “I’m not sure. She doesn’t really talk to me about people she likes. Speaking of liking people, why have you two digressed back into your old, hateful ways?”

  I scoffed at Dana and held my hands up around me. “Why do you think that? I was invited to her party, wasn’t I?” I didn’t believe the excuse either.

  “She asked me if she should invite you. She said that she doesn’t think you like her very much. So, it makes me believe that something happened.”

  I kept my eyes on Taylor and a sudden sadness washed over me. If it wasn’t for Dana, I would have never received an invitation. The thought made me overly emotional and I bit my tongue to stop any stinging that I was sure would form behind my eyes.

  “I don’t know what happened.”

  “Well, I guess it’s time to make up for anything you might have done.” Dana sang beside me. I watched as Taylor broke away from the group, noting the way she touched Bryce’s shoulder before leaving. That sick feeling was back tenfold.

  “Please don’t leave me,” I whispered to Dana. When she didn’t respond, I noticed that she wasn’t even by my side anymore.

  “Are you liking the party?” These were the first words Taylor had spoken to me tonight. The thought that she didn’t even want to invite me still stirred around in my head and I shrugged a shoulder.

  “It’s okay.” I felt bile rise to my throat and my heart burned. I wished I was anywhere but here at this moment.

  “Well, you definitely say what you mean.” Taylor crossed her arms and immediately turned defensive. I cursed myself for acting this way. She didn’t deserve it and I don’t know why I made it seem like she did.

  Taylor kept her eyes on me and I pinched the bridge of my nose. “I mean…I didn’t mean to say that your party is just okay. I’m having fun.” I wish that I could inject a nice quality tone to my words but my body wasn’t responding to what my mind told it. I tried to turn the subject. “You seem to be having a lot of fun with Bryce.”

  Taylor pursed her lips and looked over her shoulder. Bryce was surrounded by a group of senior girls and seemed to be loving the attention. “He’s a social butterfly. I would like to introduce you two, eventually.”

  “Why?” I scrunched up my nose and Taylor huffed a frustrated breath.

  “Because he thinks your beautiful and wants to get to know you.”

  I barked a laugh but Taylor didn’t find anything funny at all. “Oh, you’re serious?” My eyes widened. Maybe Bryce wasn’t the one that had feelings for Taylor. Maybe it was the other way around. At least I knew they weren’t together.

  “Yes. He won’t stop talking about you since he saw you drop me off. He was mad that I let you drive away.”

  The memory invaded my thoughts and my expression softened. “Sorry about that.”

  “It’s fine. I just figure this is the way it will be between us.” Taylor shrugged a shoulder and stood silent, waiting for me to respond with something.

  I didn’t have anything to say though so I stood there as well, waiting for something, anything to break the tension. Hell, I would even welcome an impending asteroid crash to put me out of my misery.

  “Hey Taylor, hey Jen.” And there was my asteroid now. Josh McGowen smiled wide at me, glancing quickly to Taylor and then honing in straight back to me.

  “Hi.” My voice was forcefully cheerful and I was sure that Taylor noticed the quick change.

  “Hey, Josh.” Taylor smiled gracefully and took a step closer to me. Her eyes stayed glued on him and the sudden change of chemistry between the three of us made me feel more awkward than before.

  Josh took a small step back, surely feeling the tension himself and gave a goofy grin. “Jen, your mom’s cupcakes are delicious.”

  Thinking about my mom’s cupcakes made my stomach turn yet again. “Thanks. She really does a good job. Maybe you can come over and I can share the recipe with you.” I took a step closer to Josh and he responded with another goofy smile. What was I doing?

  “That would be awesome. When do you think we could plan that?” It’s then that I realized my mistake as I started arranging a fake evening with Josh. I knew that I would cancel on him the first chance I could get, but what I didn’t know was why I continued to pretend to want to hang out with him.

  I heard Taylor clear her throat but I didn’t turn to her. I felt her walk away from the conversation and as soon as she did my interest in Josh faded. I followed her with my eyes as she went back over to Bryce but she didn’t look happy at all. What was it about Taylor that made me so crass?

  In the back of my mind I knew exactly what it was but I didn’t, no I couldn’t, think of that. Taylor was never a part of the plan. Girls were never a part of the plan. But pretending that Josh could be a part of the plan was much easier than me coming to terms that maybe the plan could fall apart.

  Chapter 11

  “What do you mean you guys quit?” I looked between Roger and Donovan as they stood in front of me. My right fingers nervously picked at my pink cast. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

  “Sorry, Jen. I’m falling behind on my classes
and I can’t afford to do that. I’ll be applying for colleges this year. You know how it is.” Donovan’s excuse was valid but I still couldn’t fathom what was coming out of his mouth.

  “And I’m tired of practicing so much. I didn’t think it would be so time consuming.” Roger gave a shrug of his shoulder. My mouth was agape.

  “But you both know that if you leave we won’t qualify for sectionals.” I thought my point would drive home. I thought they would see the error of their ways, apologize and sit back down for practice. We would be going over our final song for sectionals, we’d get it locked down and that was that.

  “You could always get two more people…”

  I groaned audibly as I placed my face in my hands. “We can’t get two more people, guys. Sectionals is in two weeks. Can’t you stay until then…”

  Donovan shrugged his shoulder again, trying to give his best apologetic look. It wasn’t working.

  I watched as the two boys exited class and allowed what just occurred to sink in. I heard the door of the small practice room open and Taylor strode in, placing her backpack down and offering me a curt nod.

  I didn’t say anything. I just shook my head and tried to form words that wouldn’t come.

  “What happened,” she asked, slightly concerned.

  My mouth moved but again the words wouldn’t come. Finally, I took a deep breath. “Donovan and Roger just quit.”

  “Shit.” Taylor cursed under her breath and it jolted me out of my stupor. I had never heard Taylor curse before.

  “Yeah. I know.”

  “So, that means we’re done for the season, right?”

  “It means that our high school acapella career is over.” I took the stack of song papers on my desk, stood and dumped them in the trash.

  “That really sucks. I was looking forward to this.” I could hear the disappointment in Taylor’s voice.

  “It doesn’t matter for you. You’ll get to sing again on stage one day.” Taylor tilted her head, not knowing if I was trying to be mean or not. I wasn’t. It was the honest truth, and I think she knew that.