Among the Stars

by Renee Porter

  “Don’t leave me,” I pleaded. Bryce’s eyes softened and he bent down giving me a bear hug. It felt nice having the comfort of another warm body, even if it was just Bryce.

  “Call her. Tell her. She’s my best friend and I don’t want to see her hurting.” Finally the tension of the morning caught up with me and my eyes started to water. I nodded my head knowing that Bryce was right.

  “I will. I just need some time. Please don’t say anything…” He let me go and pat my head.

  “I won’t right now. But if you don’t do it soon, I can’t be held responsible for my actions.” With one more pat to my head, Bryce head out of my house. I wished for a moment that I was strong enough to follow him to Taylor’s. To explain everything that was going through my mind. To tell her that I hadn’t felt this way before. To tell her that I think I always knew I liked girls but wouldn’t allow myself to go against the grain. I closed my eyes as I felt Beth’s body depress the couch where Bryce had just been sitting.

  “He your boyfriend?” Beth asked. I looked into her grey eyes. They were sincere as if she knew I was battling something inside of me. I shook my head as I wished in that moment that she could understand and give me advice. And again, as if Beth understood exactly what I was going through, she got up off the couch, picked up her favorite Barbie play phone and gave it to me. She laughed, placed a raspberry kiss on my cheek and went to sit back down since her show was back on. I blinked a few times holding the phone like a life line. I would call Taylor, eventually. But first, there was another call I had to make.

  Chapter 12

  Dana sat at the desk in my room, rummaging through the different colored nail polishes in my drawer. Around me I could smell the pine coming from the downstairs Christmas tree, a smell that usually made me feel at ease. Right now, however, I was wishing that I was anywhere but where I was sitting.

  “I could go with red but that seems a little too predictable. Do you have any green?” Dana asked without looking at me. I nodded at her as I raised from the bed and padded to my bathroom. I sifted through the box under the sink and found exactly what she was looking for. Before I turned off the light, I took a look at my reflection and nodded once. I could do this. Dana wouldn’t judge me, I knew it for a fact. So then why was I so nervous?

  I placed the green nail polish at the desk and looked down at Dana. I had missed her. Ever since I started hanging out more with Taylor, it felt as though I had hardly seen Dana. Of course we had class together and hung out during lunch, but our after school get togethers had dwindled down to almost nothing.

  Dana didn’t look up at me as she placed the paint on her first nail. “So, what’s going on?” I shrugged my shoulders not knowing how to start this conversation but I was sure she couldn’t see my actions through the back of her head. I cleared my throat, trying to steady my voice.

  “Nothing much. Break’s been kind of boring.” It was my first lie and I winced inside, knowing that this wasn’t how I wanted to bring up Taylor to Dana. I was already finding an out when all I wanted to do was tell her my truths.

  “Taylor says you guys have been hanging out a lot.” Dana finally looked up at me, her usual smile not gracing her face. She knew that I wanted to talk to her about something and was waiting for me to spit it out.

  “You hung out with her?” I picked up a paperclip from my desk and started making a triangle.

  “Yep. Just yesterday morning. We got breakfast. She told me she wanted to talk about some…things.” My hands stopped fiddling with the paper clip as I turned my attention to Dana fully.

  “What things,” I asked. Dana looked down at the finished product of her hands and started to blow on the wet green polish.

  Dana sighed as she put the green polish away and turned in her chair. “She asked me if you had told me that she is bi.” Dana smiled like the cat that got the cream and I couldn’t tell if she was telling the truth or teasing me. Of course I knew it was possible that Taylor had asked that, but in the same sense, would Taylor really not trust me to keep her secret? I stood silent for a moment, shifting my weight from foot to foot. “And then I told her that you didn’t. I’m really proud of you for keeping her trust, you know that?”

  I nodded as I bit my lip. It was then that I realized Dana wasn’t teasing me. That Taylor really had asked her that and that made my throat sting. I didn’t even know the tears had started to fall until I felt one hit my hand. I wiped away the remnants as Dana stood. She gave me a hug and placed my head on her shoulder trying to take calming breaths.

  “What happened?” Her words were soft and understanding. I shook my head not knowing how much I could tell her, but also knowing that I wanted to tell her everything.

  “I’m sorry,” I choked out. Dana rubbed my back, comforting the sobs coming from my mouth. Her warm hand reminded me that I needed more comfort than I realized.

  “Let’s sit for a while. And when you’re ready, you can talk to me.” I nodded as I backed away from Dana, shuffling to the bed and flopping down. I wiped the tears from my face and tried to get my vision to clear. Dana sat down next to me and waited, just as she said she would. When I felt like I could finally get some words out, I took a deep breath in.

  “She told me about a month ago,” my heart was hammering in my chest and I pushed through the pain. “She thought I wouldn’t be okay with it. I think she felt like I would judge her parents for some reason.” Dana nodded in understanding.

  “She thought that since she isn’t hetero, you would think that her parents made her that way.” Dana had hit the proverbial nail on the head and I nodded in her assumption. “And then what did you tell her?”

  Again I took a deep breath. I felt like my chest was on fire and simultaneously ready to explode. It’s as if the truth was trying to break apart from me and couldn’t be held in anymore.

  “I told her that I wouldn’t think that, of course. I told her that…” I looked away from Dana toward my window. “I told her that even straight couples can raise gay children and that she shouldn’t be worried about what other people think of her situation.” My fingers played with the edge of the pillow I was holding. “And that I, out of all people, understand and wouldn’t judge her.” The tears started to fall on the warm fabric, turning the light gray into a deeper color. I heard Dana hum and I knew she was trying to come up with a response.

  “And you understand because your parents raised a gay daughter?” I sniffed without confirming Dana’s suspicions as gravity eased up on my shoulders. I felt Dana’s body move parallel to my own and she grabbed some of the pillow and placed her head there. She lay facing me, blinking and waiting for me to say something.

  “Have you always known?” I shook my head at her question, still silent. For now, I would let Dana drive the conversation.

  “Do your parents know?” I wanted to widen my eyes but they were so swollen that again I just shook my head.

  “Does Taylor know?” I took a deep breath and shrugged my shoulders.

  “I think she does now. But I’m just not sure. I should have told her when she said something to me but I was just coming to terms with it myself.”

  “It’s okay, Jen. Even though Taylor told you she was gay, it doesn’t mean that you had to force yourself to come out to her.” I nodded my head at Dana but still chastised myself for not being able to trust Taylor with my feelings. “And you told her what you could. That’s a big step for you. And I know this is a big step for you, too.” My red rimmed eyes focused on my best friend. I took in a deep breath and let it out slowly.

  “I never even thought about it, really. I know that guys liked me but when I realized they were asking me out I’d have a panic attack. I didn’t…I don’t feel that way toward them. I never have.” I laughed out a breath. “I thought that I was just a late bloomer.”

  Dana shook her head as a slow smile raised from her lips. “I had a feeling that we would be having this conversation.”

  “You knew I called you ov
er so I could come out to you?” My brows drew down and Dana chuckled.

  “Well, not today, no. I just thought you wanted to hang out. But this last year I’ve seen you change. Not in a bad way, more in a ‘finding yourself’ kind of way.”

  I was surprised that I had been so transparent. But then again, I wasn’t surprised that Dana had realized it, even before me. She was great at figuring out her observations. Just one of her talents.

  “And when you rejected Josh I just kind of knew that it would be soon. Maybe you didn’t even realize it fully then, but I knew. Plus, you were always concerned about why Taylor wouldn’t talk to you. I don’t think you even realize you’ve had a crush on her since the ninth grade.

  I groaned into my pillow at being found out. “I haven’t since ninth grade.” I tried to defend myself but couldn’t really. I had been thinking about this for so long that I realized Dana was probably telling the truth. My body and mind may have subconsciously liked Taylor for all this time, but I wouldn’t allow myself to come to that conclusion until now.

  “It’s alright, Jen. Taylor is awesome and if you guys become something more than frenemies, you totally have my blessing.” Again, I groaned as the previous night drew its ugly head into my mind.

  “I don’t know how to do this, Dana. I’m so nervous around her that I can’t even say something to her without it sounding like an insult.” Dana scrunched her nose up in confusion. “My brain fires weird. I’ll want to tell her she looks beautiful but it comes out as something horrendously different.

  “Like what?” Dana was trying not to smile. I turned on my back and thought back to my first interaction with Taylor.

  “When I realized that I had a crush on her things changed. We were getting together to work on some music and I was wondering if her hair was naturally wavy. When I opened my mouth to ask her it came out as, ‘Your hair isn’t natural’.” I could hear Dana chuckle and I looked at her with a seriousness that could rival my mom’s. “It’s not funny. I have a serious condition.”

  Dana pushed her lips together and stifled the laugh. “You just get nervous around her because you like her. I’m sure things have gotten better with as much time you’re spending together.”

  “I wish I could tell you they have, but I’m still horribly insulting.” I placed my hands over my face. “It’s like I have to insult her or something.”

  “Okay,” Dana sat up as she pushed my side, telling me to sit up with her. I did as she silently asked and crossed my legs, mirroring her posture. “Pretend I’m Taylor. Compliment me.” Dana batted her eyebrows dramatically and my face heated immediately.

  “I can’t do this,” I said. Dana gave me an annoyed groan and told me to compliment her again. I sighed as I closed my eyes, trying to picture Taylor. Blue eyes looked back at me and I swallowed thickly.

  “Taylor…” I took a deep breath, “your eyes are so large…” oh god that sounded so stupid. But I could fix it, “I mean, they look like dinner plates.” I heard Dana squeak and I opened my eyes. Her own eyes were wide with surprise. “But not like the dinner plates that you use every day. They are like your grandma’s dinner plates. The nice ones that you put out just for holidays?”

  Dana sat with her mouth open, not quite knowing what to say.

  “See? I told you! I suck at this!” I grabbed the pillow and flopped back down, placing it over my head to keep out the world.

  “It wasn’t that bad?” I heard Dana’s muffled voice through the pillow and she started to laugh. “Okay, that was a lie.” I peeked my head out and stared her down. She laughed as she grabbed the pillow off of me and said, “You can’t insult her all the time. There must be something you’ve said that actually makes her like you.”

  My face reddened. “I think she just expects it from me now. At first, she would look at me all weird, and now she just laughs.”

  “Aw, she thinks your stammering is cute!” Dana clapped and pushed my shoulder. “So when are you asking her out on a date?”

  “I haven’t gotten up the nerve to call her since we kissed last night.” I didn’t even have time to really think about what I just said. Dana squealed and jumped on the bed.

  “You kissed her?” Her words were loud and I grabbed her to sit down, making a ‘shh’ sound with my teeth. Dana clamped a hand over her face mouth but her eyes were smiling with excitement. “Tell me everything.”

  +++

  “What is this place?” Taylor whispered and I chuckled at her secretive tone.

  “You don’t have to whisper. We’re allowed to be here.” I took out my keyring and entered the small observatory. In the center was a Celestron, fifteen-inch telescope. Taylor followed me inside as she looked around the room. She watched me as I pressed a few buttons, allowing the large dome to whir to life.

  “How did you manage to get a key to this place?” Taylor continued to watch the dome open and I moved over to the small laptop connected to the telescope and entered the password.

  “It’s a deal that we proposed to the university. We get telescope time during school breaks for research and in return, we provide them a research essay on a topic of our choosing. It’s great marketing for the school if we find anything worth publishing.”

  Taylor hummed in acknowledgment behind me. The observatory was located in an orange grove on the local community college grounds. It had taken me nearly a year just to get the proposal submitted and then accepted. Even though I had my own telescope, using the larger Celestron allowed me to see further into space. The small smudges of light that I would normally see when looking at nebulae, were lit up with brilliant wisps of gaseous clouds while looking through this scope.

  “Where are the other astronomy club members?”

  I fumbled with the controls of the Celestron and it also whirred to life. The scope pointed straight up as I tried to contain my nerves. I had asked Taylor to join me for an astronomy club meetup. She just assumed that I had also asked my other peers as well.

  “They couldn’t make it…” I let my words trail off as I entered a few coordinates on the laptop. We both watched the telescope train itself on an empty part of the sky and when it stopped, I looked on the image of the screen and then through the scope itself.

  “Here. Look.”

  Taylor moved closer to me and I stepped aside to allow her to look through the scope. She was close enough for me to smell the sweet scent of her perfume and I closed my eyes at the warmth that was radiating off of her body.

  “That’s awesome. What is it?”

  I peered up through the dome and pointed. “Do you see that small smudge in the sky? It’s right below the three stars following that line.” Taylor moved closer to me as I was still pointing to the sky. She nodded when she saw the small cluster and I explained further.

  “That’s Orion’s nebulae. It’s a breeding ground for newly formed stars. What you see in the scope is gaseous material that breeds those stars.”

  To my surprise, Taylor smiled and said, “tell me more.”

  I cleared my throat trying to place myself in the moment. She was even closer to me now, our shoulders brushing together but not one of us moving. It was quiet that only our breaths could be heard over the crickets.

  “Well, if you follow the nebulae up you’ll see a reddish looking star,” I swallowed as Taylor moved closer. “That star is a red giant and if you scaled it next to our own sun, it would be like a grain of sand next to a soccer ball.”

  Taylor hummed and I watched her face go through the understanding of just how small we were in the universe.

  “How many stars are there? That we know of?”

  “Well,” I tried to think of the best way to answer that question. “We know that each galaxy has billions of stars. And we now know that there are trillions of galaxies. It’s actually a number that is so large, it’s hard to comprehend.”

  Taylor looked at me, her face blank of any emotion but one. She licked her lips and her breath came faster. Mine did too.
Even in the cool night, my body was heating up and my heart was thundering in my ears.

  I cleared my throat and stepped away from Taylor, not knowing how to calm myself down. I put in another coordinate on the laptop and waited to hit ‘enter’. I needed some time to put myself back together.

  “It’s fascinating to think about how many stars there are. Most stars have a solar system which means there are millions upon millions of planets that circle their sun just like us. Just think of that scale for a second. There could be thousands of planets that are in the ‘goldilocks zone’ to breed life. We can’t get to those planets yet, of course, but maybe one day…”

  I was rambling and I knew it but I couldn’t stop. My palms were damp and my brow was starting to bead with sweat. I was freaking out and at that moment I had wished that I never asked Taylor to come with me. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing.

  “You’re beautiful.”

  I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Taylor had sidled up next to me and when I looked at her my eyes searched her own to see if I had heard her right.

  “The stars, I mean. They’re beautiful.” She tucked her blonde strands behind her ear and she looked up at the sky. I was sure that I had heard right because she was suddenly shy. When she glanced back down at me, a slow, uneasy smile formed on her lips and I stared at them as if I had just witnessed a new celestial event.

  I didn’t even think when I closed the distance between us. Before I could even process what I had done, my lips were moving against Taylor’s. She responded immediately to me and all I could think was that her lips were so soft and warm. The anxiety that I had been feeling minutes prior was replaced by a warmth that spread from my head to my toes and back to my stomach. I grabbed the back of her neck, pulling her closer and when I heard her hum, I broke the kiss quickly. That’s when I realized what I had done.