by Renee Porter
I didn’t say anything. The only thing that could come out of my mouth were rapid puffs of air. The anxiety returned as my vision tunneled in. I was having a massive panic attack. How could I have been so stupid? I didn’t even know if Taylor was interested in me. How could I have kissed her like that?
Taylor was saying something but I didn’t hear her. And the reason for that was because I was running away from what had just occurred. I had left her there, alone, not wanting to face the aftermath of the kiss and not wanting to face the rejection I was sure was going to come.
+++
I didn’t call Taylor for the “after the kiss” talk. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to but rather, I started to think just how stupid I would sound seeing as too much time had passed. Plus, Taylor didn’t call me either. Which in turn made me think that maybe Bryce was fooling me. His mother was an actress after all. And so was Taylor’s. Maybe this was their way of getting back at me. Maybe Taylor really did hate me and she was using this to blackmail me when we got back to school.
I sighed at my thoughts as I placed the mascara on my eyelashes. It had been two weeks since the kiss. It had also been two weeks since I had seen Taylor. And it had been three days since I saw Josh at the Target when I took Beth with me to get her a new toy she saw on TV. And it had been three days since I told him that ‘yes I’d go out with him’ and ‘yes it would be a date’. What was wrong with me?
I had been asking myself that question for the last 72 hours.
Now I was finishing up getting ready. Josh would be here in less than twenty minutes and all I could think about is how it feels like I was cheating on Taylor. But then again, I wasn’t. Not really.
I also tried to tell myself that I had to at least try. Even though I was starting to accept that I like girls, a part of me wondered if this new awakening would also somehow show me that I liked boys too. In fact, I didn’t feel like puking when Josh asked me out. My stomach only flopped a couple of times, and even though I likened it to eating something that doesn’t usually agree with me, I also thought that maybe it was a sign that those pesky butterflies were sort of flying around. Was it the same feeling I got when thinking about Taylor? Not exactly. But still, again, I had to try.
The doorbell rang and I took a deep breath in. I checked my phone screen to see if I had a text from Taylor. I don’t’ know why. If I were her I wouldn’t text me either.
I wasn’t able to get to the door before Beth and my parents did which was alright with me. I secretly wanted my parents to meet Josh. Mom had been making one too many references about me spending time with Taylor, and although I don’t think it was malicious, just knowing that I had a date with a boy put my mind at ease for a bit.
“Thanks, for doing this, I really appreciate it. I didn’t know that Jen would be going out tonight until after our plans were made.” I heard my mom say and found it odd that she would talk to Josh this way.
“It’s not a problem, Mrs. Hunter. Beth and I are going to have a lot of fun today.”
I wish I could say that Josh had a high, melodic voice and that the shivers that were being sent down my arms were from the sound of it hitting my ears. But alas, my world is not that easy. And I know, I make it hard on myself, and if I could look back at this moment, I would have stayed. Because Taylor was standing in my open doorway, now looking at me with a surprised, yet open expression and my stomach was churning because I was seeing my mother ushering Josh in the house as well. Couldn’t he have come a little earlier?
“Hey Taylor, I didn’t know you’d be here,” Josh smiled at Taylor who scrunched up her face. And then suddenly, while looking between us, she realized why Josh is there.
“Jen has a boyfriend!” Beth sang as she snorted and hugged Taylor. I couldn’t get mad at her, though. She doesn’t understand the situation that is occurring. My mother, however, seems to feel the awkwardness and clears her throat.
“Hi, Josh. I’m Jen’s mom. Why don’t you two get out of here and enjoy your night.” My mom looks at me as if to tell me to actually move and it’s then I realize that I had been standing stock still in the middle of the foyer.
I nodded my head and forced a smile at Josh who returned it and held out his arm. I knew I had to take it but I didn’t want to. And as I did, I looked over at Taylor, sending her apologies with my eyes but she wasn’t looking at me. Instead, she was staring at my arm interlocked with Josh’s.
I had to try. I really did. Didn’t I?
+++
“I just couldn’t believe that the ref took him out. It was a clean slide. It’s not his fault that Donovan is a grade A actor.” Josh put another piece of pizza in his mouth and chomped on it. I wondered if his parents brought him up with any table manners. Even I knew that talking with your mouth full wasn’t the best thing to do on a date. “And don’t get me started with the people who defend him online. I’ve gotten into so many arguments in the last day.”
I smiled and nodded at Josh, a move that Dana told me to do if the conversation lulled. She said that it was a myth that guys didn’t like to talk and really loved it when girls listened. So, I fluttered my eye lashes and pretended to be interested in what he was talking about. And maybe I would’ve been if I wasn’t thinking about what had just occurred at my house an hour ago. And maybe if this wasn’t a date.
Why did I think that this was even a good idea?
I peeked down at my phone when Josh got up to get himself another coke. I had sent Taylor a few text messages asking if she would stay so we could talk later. It’s funny how it took something like this to get me to text her. I really don’t even know what I am going to say, but if I could just explain, maybe she would understand.
But she hadn’t texted me back yet and I knew that there was a slim chance I’d be allowed to even talk to Taylor again. Maybe one day, when she is a famous star, acting in the next big musical, and I’m out and about on town in California, I’ll run into her, she’ll see me and I can actually say ‘hi’ without her wanting to strangle me.
“Hey, I got it to go. Want to head out? I want to take you to one more place.” Josh smiled as he tilted his to go cup toward me. I really hated how I couldn’t feel anything for him. I wanted those butterflies to swarm when he smiled, and when his eyes lit up with excitement. We both had so much in common. We liked soccer, we were athletes and good in school. We both like girls…
And that was the thought that should have told me to end the date then and there. To let Josh down easy. Maybe I could even tell him that he was nice, and if I wasn’t gay there might be something to dating each other, but maybe that was also going a little too far. So instead of me saying anything, I nodded my head. Because I should just give him a little more happiness before I stomp on his heart for the second time in less than two months.
The drive was filled with small talk. Josh asked me how my wrist was now that the cast was off. I told him I was excited to get it off two weeks early and that it didn’t hurt too bad. I even had to show him a picture of it broken before he would let me off the hook. I thought it was gross but Josh seemed to love it. Guys were an interesting breed.
I thought that he was going to take me to the new mini golf establishment in town, but when he turned on Outlook Hill I started to grow a little weary. I had never taken Josh for one of those guys that took their dates to the secluded look out point. And if he told me his car wouldn’t start and that he knew of some ways to keep each other warm, I wouldn’t mind punching him in the crotch for it. I just really hoped it wouldn’t get to that point.
“Here we are.” Josh put his truck in park and got out. I guess I was supposed to follow, so I did and met him at the bed. He smiled pulled the tailgate down and motioned toward the back.
I looked in the truck as he hopped up, laying out a blanket and some pillows. I tried not to roll my eyes and when he looked at me, his smile widened.
“It’s not what it looks like. I just know you like astrology so I was hoping you could teach
me a little about space. I looked up the best areas for star gazing and this was one of the top spots.
I knew in that moment, with Josh looking down at me from the bed of his truck, that if I was attracted to him I would have swooned. Even though he thought astrology was the same thing as astronomy, I felt like it wouldn’t have mattered. But instead of telling him that I bit my lip and nodded, climbing the gate and settling down on the blanket.
And then, I taught Josh what he wanted to know. I pointed out the constellations to him, and lectured him on everything I knew on what we were looking at. I appreciated his excitement when I would give him a cool detail, like how certain stars may be brighter because they are closer, or how some are actually further away but thousands of times bigger than our sun. And then he grew quiet, and moved closer to me, and I knew that my impromptu lesson was over.
I think Josh wanted to give me a lesson of his own.
I don’t know why I allowed it but I couldn’t help but wonder if this is what Taylor felt like when I sprang my kiss on her. Did she want to shove my tongue back in my throat like I wanted to do to Josh’s? Were my teeth knocking on Taylor’s like his was on mine? Did I produce that much saliva?
I broke away, gasping for air and silently wondering if Josh was looking to choke me with his tongue. He had a glistening look in his eyes and I think he thought the kiss had really been that magnificent.
“Wow.”
Yep. He definitely did.
“Yeah, um. I need to head home.” I didn’t know what else to say and thankfully Josh didn’t try to get me to stay. Instead, he nodded, jumped down and helped me down as well. He didn’t bring up the kiss on the car ride back. He didn’t even really talk at all and I was actually very grateful for the silence. When we pulled up into my driveway, Josh put the car in park but kept it running.
“I, uh, had a great time.” He sounded nervous and I felt slightly bad. It wasn’t easy liking someone in hopes that they like you back. In fact, I knew that feeling all too well.
“Thanks, I did too.” I forced a smile and that’s when Josh leaned in. This time though, I pulled away before his lips could reach mine and placed a hand on his shoulder.
“Josh…”
He leaned back and nodded. “It’s okay. I understand.”
“You do?” I asked in hopes that he wouldn’t be too heartbroken.
“Well, yeah. I mean, I like you Jen, but if you’re not into it, you’re just not into it.” He shrugged a shoulder and I pulled him into a hug.
“Thank you for that. You’re a nice guy, Josh. I just have someone else on my mind lately.” I wanted him to know a little of the truth and he accepted it gratefully.
“Thanks for coming out with me tonight. And thanks for teaching me.” His boyish smile wasn’t as bright as it usually was but I smiled at him just the same.
“You taught me a lot tonight, too.”
His confused expression wanted a little more of an explanation but I didn’t give it to him. Instead, I pecked him on the cheek and exited the car. I took a deep breath in, not looking back at Josh. Only looking ahead of me. Because Taylor’s car was still sitting in my driveway and Josh had taught me to ask her before I kiss her again.
Chapter 13
When I entered my house, I heard laughing coming from the kitchen. Beth’s snorts were loud and Taylor’s effortless chuckle was more than just a chuckle to my ears. I immediately smiled as I turned toward the one place in my house that I loved more than I could even say.
The sight before me should have made me open my mouth to laugh as well, but I didn’t want to break the spell. Beth was singing and dancing with her eyes closed, a wooden spoon as a mock microphone to her lips. Taylor’s head was swaying back and forth as she sang backup to Beth, who would let her have the microphone and then back to her own mouth to belch out the same verse over and over again.
It wasn’t until a few moments passed that Beth’s eyes landed on my own. She winked at me, snorted and barreled into me. Taylor seemed confused at first but when she saw Beth hug me, her shoulders tensed and her face flushed. She was still mad, that much was obvious, but the flush was adorable. I had never seen Taylor look embarrassed and I smiled at her to see if maybe I can get one out of her too.
But that was wishful thinking.
“You go on a date?” Beth asked me before she blew a raspberry on my neck. I wiggled out of her hold as I wiped away her slobber on my skin.
“Not really,” I said hesitantly. I heard Taylor scoff but she didn’t say anything more. Instead, she pulled a bowl of salad from the fridge and plated some salad and chicken for Beth.
“He your boyfriend?” I wish Beth had a filter. I love her to death, but sometimes, I just wish she could pick up on the tension in a room.
“No, he’s definitely not my boyfriend.” Beth giggled and twirled.
“Tay your girlfriend?”
“No, Beth, we aren’t girlfriends.” I didn’t have to answer that one as Taylor did it for me. I kept my eyes on her as she gave Beth her plate. She didn’t like the green stuff on her plate but one stern look from Taylor had Beth and me wanting to go in the other room and submit.
Beth followed Taylor’s cue and went to eat her dinner while watching her cartoons. And suddenly, Beth’s absence made everything that more grave for me. I stood there, waiting to say something to Taylor. I had so many things wafting through my mind but nothing really seemed to stick. I felt like this was an extremely pivotal moment and what I would say would have an impact for the rest of my life.
“It was a date.” I bit down on my lip hard and cursed under my breath. Taylor stopped wiping down the counter for an instant and then continued. “I mean, he asked me out a couple of days ago and I said yes. But I didn’t say yes because I wanted it to be a date.”
“You didn’t?” Taylor responded without looking at me. She blankly stared at the now precision cleaned counter top.
I rambled off another couple of lies in my head but shook those out. “Okay, actually I did. Sort of.” I groaned with frustration at myself and finally Taylor looked at me.
“Okay.” Taylor tilted her head to the side and considered me for a moment. I was ready to hear a lecture. Ready for anything that Taylor had to say to me that would tell me exactly how she felt about the whole situation. “I guess I should apologize then.” Her words were soft and defeated but also astoundingly sincere. I could not say that I would be able to pull that off if I was in her situation.
“You’re apologizing? To me?” I took a breath. “For what?”
Taylor shook her head and chuckled uncomfortably. I began to notice little quirks like that a while ago. Even before Taylor and I started to become friends. When she was nervous she would laugh, hoping to ease the awkwardness of the situation. I felt bad that she had to do that with me.
“For kissing you a couple of weeks back.” Taylor furrowed her brows. “I guess I got some things crossed and now I get why you haven’t called or contacted me. I should’ve apologized right after it happened.” I nodded to let her know I was listening and she let out a heavy breath. “I just wish that I hadn’t and that we could go back to being, I don’t know, us?”
Somehow, I knew that the ‘us’ she was talking about wasn’t the same ‘us’ that we were at the start of the school year. The same ‘us’ that would notice each other but not say a word. It was the ‘us’ that was the opposite of what we used to be. And for a moment I considered it. It would be easier being friends with Taylor. It would be easier just wanting to tell her about my day and not having the pressure of if she thought I looked pretty that day. Or if I was doing something stupid in front of her that would change the way she thought of me. Just to be friends would mean the world of difference with my confusion.
But I had tried that, hadn’t I? I tried to turn off the chemistry in my brain and willed my hormones to calm down to a manageable level. What would I tell my parents? What would she tell hers? How long could we keep a relationship
a secret?
“Okay.” I drew out the words trying to stop my brain from unraveling then and there. I was still confused about the situation. But a lot of it was clearing up. “I don’t like guys. I mean, I like them, but I don’t like them like that.” I looked at Taylor to see if she was following and when she nodded her head slightly I continued. “And you don’t have to apologize for the kiss, Taylor, because frankly it helped me realize a part of myself that I never even tried to look at before.”
I took a deep breath with Taylor and waited to continue. “But I don’t know if I’m ready, yet. For this…right now.” The hope that I had seen in the seconds prior to those words seemed to fade away. I was sure that Taylor thought I was rejecting her, and in a way, I was. I didn’t want it to be forever, but I realize that I wasn’t in any mind set to start something I couldn’t yet to commit to myself. “It wouldn’t be fair, to either of us, if I forced it…I don’t know. I’m probably sounding crazy right now, but it’s just a lot and I…”
“It’s okay, Jen.” Her words were soft and understanding with a hint of sadness.
“I know it’s not what you wanted to hear, but it’s the truth.” I gave her a shy smile and she gave me one of her own.
“Well, at least I can stop my unfounded jealousy over Josh, then.” She shrugged her shoulder and I laughed honestly.
“You definitely don’t have to be jealous of Josh. He’s not my type.”
“Then what is your type?” Taylor shuffled her feet and I grew confused. Hadn’t she just been here? I may have told her that I wasn’t ready for a relationship but that didn’t mean that I didn’t like her. And that’s when I replayed it all back in my head. I had rejected Taylor Montgomery-Fields and she thought it was because I didn’t actually have an attraction to her.
“Taylor, I do like…” My words stopped as soon as I heard the front door open with my mother and father’s laughing voices. Taylor looked at me and I reached out a hand to her, silently asking her to stay. I wanted to set things right and I wanted to make sure she knew that even if I wasn’t ready now, it didn’t mean I wouldn’t ever be ready.
