by Renee Porter
“Oh, Jen. You’re back early. How did your date go?” Mom whisked in the kitchen, her perfume trailing behind her and suddenly the familiar smell made my stomach churn.
“It wasn’t a date.” I clipped with frustration and my mother’s eyes grew wide. It wasn’t like me to bite back but the night was definitely not going as I had originally planned.
“Okay, fine. How was your non-date with that non-handsome boy who met you to take you out tonight?” Mom looked at me, daring to say something back but I lowered my gaze.
“It was fine, mom. Sorry.” My mother seemed to get the hint that I didn’t want to talk about it just as dad walked in.
“Hey, Jen. How was the date?”
I rolled my eyes and bit my tongue. I couldn’t catch a break.
+++
Things returned to normal after that night. And by normal I meant that Taylor was her usual self, quiet at times but opening up as the days passed, and I went back to hanging out with my friends and pretending to be someone I was not.
It’s funny how life unveils as it does. I believe that maybe I was handed some significant piece about myself, allowing me to unravel the strands of confusion that still lay knotted inside of me. I may have now accepted a part of myself that had lain dormant in my previous eighteen years but I didn’t exactly know what to do with it.
I heard Taylor laugh from across the stage and something inside of me tightened even more. Okay, that was a lie. I knew my body knew what to do with it but my mind had other objectives. But what’s worse was that the melodic laugh that graced my ears was not as a result from Taylor talking to me. It was a result from her talking to Landon Price and for some reason my blood started to boil.
I knew that Taylor was beautiful, funny, talented – hell any adjective in the known dictionary that included a description of innocence and beauty could describe Taylor. And I knew that she was desirable to anyone that had eyes. I couldn’t fault Landon who was blatantly flirting with her. In fact, if anyone should be at fault it should be me.
I knew Taylor liked me. I knew that I liked Taylor. And damn that knot inside of me for being too tight to do anything about it.
“You’re going to burn a hole in his head if you keep staring.” With a low whisper, Dana nudged my shoulder successfully pulling me out of my trance.
“I wasn’t staring,” I defended. The look Dana gave me was enough for me to know she believed she was right. Even if I denied every one of her words, she wouldn’t believe me for a second.
“You never said what happened and I’m starting to think you never will.”
Our conversation was low enough for no one to hear. It’s not like anyone would, even, since the group was divested in their own comings and goings.
“There is nothing to tell.” I looked down at my feet and kicked a small piece of concrete that had worn from the stage. I could feel Dana’s eyes on me and I sighed, grabbing my middle and taking another glance over at the flirting friends.
“If there is nothing to tell, then why do you have a problem with them dating?”
My eyes widened. Dating? There was no way that it was a possibility. Taylor said she didn’t like any guys at the moment, so why would she go out with Landon?
“See, so something did happen.” Dana smiled mischievously.
“You were joking.”
“Of course, I was. I mean, I’m sure Landon would love a chance but we both know it’s not going to be with Taylor. Or you, for that fact.”
I shook my head, sucking in a deep breath.
“There really isn’t much to say. She told me things, I told her things and we decided to just remain friends.” I ended my statement with a shrug of my shoulder.
“So, you both came to that conclusion?”
“Not really.”
Dana held up her hands in annoyance and they landed heavily on my shoulders. She locked eyes with me and at that point I wished that things would be simpler. Why couldn’t I have liked Josh? Why did I have to have feelings for Taylor?
“So, you came to that conclusion then? Why, Jen? You both obviously like each other. Why is it so hard?”
I shook my head not wanting to answer out loud. Inside, my words were flying around. It’s not hard, I know it isn’t but then again it is at the same time.
“Because I’m not ready.”
“And you told her that?”
“Yes.”
“Then why does she think that you don’t have feelings for her?”
My head snapped up, wondering how Dana could have known that. She knew that she slipped because suddenly she was doing a great impression of a fish out of water.
“You talked to her?” I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. My lungs deflated and my heart stuttered for a half beat.
“I did. But what else did you want me to do? I’ve been trying to get you to tell me…”
I put my hand up, asking Dana to stop. My face flushed, my ears were warm and a ringing resounded in my head. Dana had gone behind my back and I didn’t know how to take in that information.
“Jen, I’m sorry. But I could tell something was wrong. I thought we were moving forward from you keeping everything to yourself.” She sounded sympathetic but I couldn’t stop the harsh laugh from my throat.
“You act as if I choose to keep things from you. But don’t you think there is a reason, Dana? How can I tell you these things when I’m not even sure of anything myself?”
I had to get away. The tears were threatening and the stinging behind my eyes was almost unbearable.
“Hey, I’m sorry. I’m…”
I shook my head looking for an escape. It was something I did best, running away.
“Hey, everything okay?” I felt a hand on my arm and jolted it out of its grip. Taylor was obviously hurt but she pulled her hovering hand away from me and grabbed her own arms instead.
“I’m fine,” I clipped. “I just…” I couldn’t look at her. I couldn’t look at Dana. Suddenly everything around me was closing in and I struggled to breathe. Was it possible to have claustrophobia outside?
“Jen, why don’t you sit down. You look like you’re going to pass out.” Those were the last words I heard before my vision tunneled in and blackness overtook my sight.
Chapter 14
When you’re a child you can see your future unfold right before your eyes. You grow up, you find your prince charming, get married, buy a house, and have children. You never think that you can actually be wrong.
“Jen, hey, are you okay?”
Because life doesn’t actually peel back like that, does it? It’s not linear. You can’t see the future. You never know that your prince charming could end up being a princess. You may not have children or grandchildren. You may end up working the lunch line at a high school cafeteria with a doctorate degree in physics.
“Jen, wake up.”
The days after I passed out on the school stage, coming to from the sound of Taylor’s voice, plummeted my life into something else. The dreams were so incessant and overwhelming. I was having a hard time coming to and from my wakeful consciousness. At times there was nothing more I wanted than to close my eyes and allow them to come. But waking was something so much more difficult because she wasn’t there and what had happened wasn’t true.
I had never dreamt much. If I did, the dreams would be so abstract that I barely remembered what I had been dreaming about. But these dreams were almost lucid. I could remember every word, every detail. I could physically feel her voice wash over me from the closeness that we shared. We laughed, we held hands, we kissed.
It was as if I was living a different life under the cover of darkness. In my dreams there was no caring about what the world thought. It just was. What a life to live in. To not care if the future you had wanted to make for yourself wasn’t being followed. But in my dreams, I guess that statement was true. It felt like it was the future I wanted.
And then in the light of day, when I would see he
r a pang would hit my stomach. I wanted to reach out to her but pull back at the same time. Because they were only dreams. And I knew in this reality, my future wasn’t the one I set forth at night.
I rubbed my eyes, forcing myself to stay awake during history. I disliked it with a passion. For some reason I did best when I was able to manipulate equations to do what I want to obtain a valued solution. History, however, was something that already had a result and I had to remember how to get there. I don’t know why this reverse was so difficult for me.
“Jen, can you tell me what year the Supreme Court issued their judgement that denying Gay Marriage was unconstitutional in all states?”
Of course. Thank you Mr. Parish for choosing that little gem to ask me. I licked my lips and looked around the room not really making eye contact with anyone.
“2014.” I sighed a relief when the answer was given without me passing out from yet another panic attack.
“Thank you, Ms. Fields, however I don’t think you are Ms. Hunter.” The class chuckled and my face warmed. I looked over at Taylor with a small smile. She offered me one in return.
“Perhaps then, without your help Ms. Fields, you can tell me why this was a groundbreaking ruling at the time?”
I swallowed harshly, following Mr. Parish in front of the class. He was pacing back and forth, but his eyes never wavered off me.
I stuttered at first and then, cleared my throat. “Many states had rulings against gay marriage but some didn’t. This ruling offered equal opportunity to those who did not have the right to marry the same sex.”
Mr. Parish nodded and opened his mouth but I continued. “It also allowed couples to have the same tax benefits as any heterosexual couple as well, federally. And allowed states to place both mothers or fathers on the birth certificate if they decided to have a child. It was a rite that not a lot of people thought of during the time. People really only thought of how unnatural the coupling was and not how it actually impacted families.”
Mr. Parish stood for a long time as I slipped deeper into my chair. If he didn’t speak up in a few more seconds I was sure that I was going to disappear.
“It was kind of like the civil rights movement back in the fifties. I was surprised to learn that inter-racial couples had an issue with gays and lesbians marrying. It’s as if they forgot their own history.” Josh offered his own thoughts to the discussion and suddenly my breathing started to become less wavered.
“Yes. Very true. I was only a teenager when this was occurring but I can offer firsthand experience that the protests were very much like that. I grew up on the east coast in a small town in North Carolina. Not everyone had the same thoughts and opinions there than they did here on the west coast. Many people of color were extremely upset about the ruling and thought that it should only be left up to the states.”
“And if it ended up like that, then both my moms would have had to jump through a lot of legal battles federally, just to make sure they were protected under the law.” The class agreed with Taylor’s statement and Mr. Parish offered her a smile. “And as a result of the law, it also gave the future generations an acknowledgement that it’s okay to be who you are. It’s more normal now to see two women, walking down the street and holding hands then it was even when you were a child, Mr. Parish.”
Mr. Parish nodded his head in thought. “It definitely is. And that’s the remarkable thing about history.” He stood from his place perched against his desk and started to walk the length of the classroom. “I never thought I would be teaching a subject that happened so early in our history, but here I am. And because of that ruling a lot of kids don’t grow up thinking that it’s wrong to be who they feel they are. It’s a different time. Kids aren’t ostracized nearly as much as they used to be.”
“But it still can be a daunting feeling.” I felt eyes turn on me. Not one pair or two, but the whole class. I gulped and tried to explain. “I mean, it’s more accepted but you still have those people who believe it is wrong.”
“Just like how you have people believe it’s wrong for an African American man and white woman to get married.” The response was supplied to me by someone in the class.
“Or how women shouldn’t work, or how divorce should be illegal.”
“Or how kids shouldn’t fall in love in high school.” The class chuckled at Taylor’s response but her own face was stoic.
“Ah, yes. Very good observations.” The bell rang and backpacks rustled onto shoulders. “I guess the take away is that there is always going to be opposition to beliefs. But that’s what makes life interesting, isn’t it?” Mr. Parish ended that last sentence with a smile to me. I forced my own as I quickly gathered my things and tried not to run out of the class.
+++
“Where is the damned thing?” Dana pressed the button on the telescope and moved a few centimeters down. She bit her lip in concentration as I sat there, star map in hand and read out the coordinates again. She looked down at the red digital numbers and then back at me. “I don’t have the patience for this. You try.”
I chuckled as I grabbed the remote from Dana and adjusted the coordinates to exactly where I said. The telescope whirred to life as it pointed to a whole other section of the sky.
“Show off,” she muttered. I chuckled as I peered through the lens, adjusting the zoom and focus while trying to get the bright object into a familiar shape.
“There,” I breathed out. Jupiter always fascinated me when I saw it through the lens of a telescope. In the night sky, with just the naked eye, it looked like a bright star. Through the lens though, the planet came alive. Dark bands surrounded the planet in sections and four moons could be seen at various stages of their orbits nightly.
“Let me see.” Dana pushed me out of the way and peered into the lens herself. “Woah,” she looked up at the sky and then back down through the scope. “Why is it moving?”
I chuckled at Dana as she moved aside so I could get the planet back in the field of view. “It’s not moving. We are.” I heard Dana sigh as she sat down on the grass. I looked down at her, seeing the frustration on her face.
“We can’t feel it but the earth is moving and rotating in orbit. The reason why you see this move is because we are looking at the planet at a high magnification. If we didn’t, you wouldn’t notice it until you came back outside again and saw the planet lower toward the horizon.”
“You’re a nerd.” The jab was endearing and Dana shuffled her foot against the grass. “I’m proud of you, Jen.”
I smiled and rolled my eyes at Dana but she didn’t smile back. “I’m being serious. You found something you love and you were able to make it into a future career.”
I sighed as I placed the remote down on the stand and sat next to Dana. “I haven’t made it into a career yet. That’s just the plan.” Dana nodded as she looked up at the sky with me.
“You’re going to get there. I don’t think anyone can say they graduated with a physics degree from Caltech and ended up working at a bank.” That made me chuckle.
“What about you? Any word back from anywhere?” I waited for Dana to respond who just nodded her head. “You did? Where? Was it Berkley?” I sucked in a breath waiting for an actual response. Knowing that Dana may actually be in California with me during our college years was something that I had been wanting since I was accepted early to Caltech.
“London.”
“London?” I furrowed my brows as I tried to comprehend the words. “You mean as in London, England?” Dana nodded silently. “When did you apply to London?” The world was suddenly moving quicker than I originally told Dana it had.
“After I sent in the Berkley application.”
I breathed in deeply not trying to feel selfish. “So you still haven’t heard from Berkley?” I was hopeful but something in Dana’s expressions told me that the hope was not warranted.
“I haven’t.”
Again I took a deep breath. “It doesn’t matter if you get in or not
? Does it?” Dana glanced over at me and provided me with a sad smile.
“And you say I’m the observant one.”
I tried my best to give support to my friend. Even though I was tearing apart inside. “London will be awesome, Dana.”
She gave a silent nod. Our breaths were ghosts in front of our mouths. Words that we knew were there but not able to take form. Finally, Dana stood and offered me her hand. “Plus, there are planes and technology for a reason.” She smiled at me and a part of me knew that this was her path. It may not have been the one that we had planned together but I was beginning to realize that maybe there are an infinite amount of futures.
“Yeah. I’d always wanted to visit England.” Dana laughed and motioned to the telescope.
“Show me something else. So my future English husband will think I’m smart.” I nudged her shoulder and looked up at the stars.
“Okay. But only so you don’t forget about me.” I winked at her and she shook her head.
“That would be impossible.”
+++
“How you think?” Beth twirled around with a large red fleece blanket wrapped around her neck. I laughed while she struck a superman pose.
“Looks good, Beth. But that isn’t yours so you have to put it back.” Beth snorted as she flew the ‘cape’ from her shoulders and placed it on the closest clothing rack beside her.
“Beth, that isn’t where you found it.” I lectured my sister who gave a snort, picked up the fleece and ran a few racks down. I kept my eye on her as I rifled through an assortment of spring dresses. The mall had been busy, like it was every Friday evening after school and I hadn’t been in the mood to follow the masses, so Beth accompanied me to my favorite hole in the wall place on the outskirts of town.
