by Renee Porter
“It was good. Kristie really likes her, I think.”
“She should. Taylor has always been such a nice girl.”
“Tay!” Beth snorted and sang along with the jingling of bells.
“Yes, she has.” I didn’t comment further on the situation. What more could I say?
“Does Kristie know that you and Taylor…”
I stopped on the sidewalk, as my mother continued to walk. She stopped a few feet away, turning around when she noticed I wasn’t following.
“Taylor and I what?” I asked. My mother didn’t know. She couldn’t.
“You know what I mean, Jen.” I waited for my mother to elaborate. “Just that you and Taylor had a thing. I know it was a while ago but I imagine you told Kristie about all your previous relationships.”
“Taylor and I didn’t have a thing.” I started to walk again, catching up with my mother.
“Hmmm. Well I thought you did.”
We stayed silent for a few moments as my mother pulled out a dollar bill for Beth to give to the Santa jingling the bells.
“Why did you think that?” I finally asked. Beth laughed a ‘ho ho ho’ and Santa gave one back to her just as good.
“I guess it was how things progressed with you two back then. First you hated her, then you were inseparable and then, nothing.” My mother shrugged her shoulder. “I just assumed that you two had a relationship and it ended when you both moved away.”
“Well, we didn’t have a relationship, I would have told you if we did. And I didn’t hate her, mother.” My frustration was growing. I didn’t know if it was because of the topic or because I wasn’t as invisible as I thought I was back then.
“Would you have told me?”
“Of course,” I spit back automatically. My mother gave me a knowing side glance and I relented. “Okay, maybe not back then. I was still trying to figure stuff out for myself.” And then, “and you weren’t totally wrong about me and Taylor.” My mother opened her mouth with a smile, I’m sure to say something along the lines of ‘I told you so’ but I continued before she could. “For a time Taylor was interested in me. And I was interested in her…but I wasn’t ready.”
“Really?”
I nodded my head. “Honestly. Taylor wanted to date and I didn’t think it fit into the plan or even how to tell you that I wanted to date a girl.”
My mother pursed her lips at me. “You know your father and I don’t have an issue with your sexuality…”
I laughed, trying to lighten the mood. “I know that now, but I didn’t back in high school.”
My mother stopped me as we reached my car, placing a hand on my shoulder. “I’m sorry that you felt like you couldn’t come to us with how you were feeling. Maybe things would have been different for you.”
I squeezed my mother’s hand back with a soft smile. “Everything worked out the way it was supposed to happen. I don’t want you apologizing for something you couldn’t control. I couldn’t even control it then.”
My mother nodded at me, but before opening her door she gave me one last question. “And now? You’re happy now, right?”
“I’m okay, mom.” My mother pat my shoulder once in assurance and I helped her and Beth into the car. I was okay. And that’s all that really mattered.
Chapter 21
It was an address.
When I took my mom and Beth back to their hotel, I finally looked to see what Taylor had sent me and all that she had written was a single address. No other words, no explanation. Just an address.
What is this?
I typed a text back to her, surely thinking that she would respond saying that she meant to text it to someone else. But instead she responded back with:
8:00. Bring Kristie.
I looked at the clock. There was no way in hell I was going to go to some random address that Taylor sent to me with it already being six in the evening.
Where are you leading me?
My phone rang a few moments later and I picked up, hearing a chuckle over the phone.
“I swear it will be fun.”
I rolled my eyes over the phone at Taylor, a smile forming in the wake of my confusion. “You know me, Taylor. I need to know where I’m going. I get too anxious otherwise.”
Again, Taylor chuckled. “I thought you might have let go of that little insecurity years ago. So, if you must know, it’s my grandmother’s place. She’s throwing a little Christmas get together and I wanted to have someone there I could talk to.”
“And your first decision was me?” Taylor didn’t respond to my question and I didn’t know if that was even the right thing to say. Maybe I was her last decision.
“Just come, Jen. Throw a little caution to the wind.” I scoffed internally and looked at the clock one more time. Based off the city her grandmother lived in, it would be at least a forty-five minute drive.
“Can I bring anything?” I lamented. Taylor stated just to bring myself and Kristie if she could come. I hung up with her, adamant that I would only stay for an hour, or two tops.
“Come on, get dressed. We’re going out.” I walked into Kristie’s room where she was sitting on her bed, reading something on her phone.
“Oh, yay! Where to?”
“You’ll see…” I grumbled as I walked out. I didn’t know why I was even going and in the same sense I knew exactly why.
Chapter 22
“Wow. Your girlfriend’s got it going on!” Kristie exclaimed from the passenger seat. I peered out of her window at the large two story home nestled in the hills of the valley. A large oak stretched its leaves and branches between two similar looking homes. I couldn’t help but think that I would want to live somewhere like this one day.
“Well, her parents are Madeline Fields and B Montgomery.” I felt a punch to my shoulder and Kristie gave me a withering look. “What was that for?”
“Can you open your mind up a little bit and be happy that the girl invited you out of all people to her grandmother’s Christmas party?”
“Please, I was probably the last one she thought to invite.” Kristie gave me another one of her looks and I backed down.
“Fine, it was nice of her.”
“She has a thing for you.”
I laughed hard and the sound echoed through my small Prius. “Taylor does not have a thing for me. She dates celebrities. Male celebrities.”
Kristie waved a hand in my general direction. “She’s bi. Everyone knows that. She came out in an article three years ago.” Kristie eyed me tentatively. “And I bet you knew that before it even ran.”
I swallowed, not meeting Kristie’s eyes. “Let’s just get this over with.”
“There is a story there. And I’m going to pull it out of you.”
“No, you’re not.”
“Then I’ll call Dana.” Kristie was out of the car before I could even argue back.
“You wouldn’t dare.” I said through clenched teeth as we walked up the stairs to Taylor’s grandma’s house.
“Oh, I would. And I will.” She wiggled her eyebrows at me as the door opened wide after a small knock by Kristie. A small, older woman, probably in her early seventies, opened the door with a wide smile.
“Ah, you must be Jennifer and Kristie. Come in, Taylor is in the kitchen.” I smiled at the woman and entered her home. The large foyer opened up to a rustic looking décor. The wood floors looked worn as if a thousand of people had walked through the door over the years. The white curtains hung daintily down large windows and a noticeable laughter could be heard through the art laden walls.
Kristie nudged me as I followed her and Taylor’s grandmother through the home. I, myself, put my hand on Kristie’s arm, motioning toward the large framed poster on the wall. “Breakaway” noted the poster with a picture of a younger Madeline Fields facing the audience.
“I bet that’s one of the originals,” Kristie muttered from the side of her mouth. I nodded in agreement as we turned the corner toward the kitchen.
/>
“Taylor, honey, your friends have arrived.” Taylor’s grandmother placed her hands on Taylor’s shoulders, whispering something in her ear. Taylor’s head turned toward her grandmother and she gave a pursed smile.
“I know to offer them a drink, grandma.” Taylor chuckled as she turned fully, her eyes landing square on me. For a moment, my throat dried and I felt vulnerable. Maybe I should have worn something a little nicer.
Taylor decided to dress herself in a red dress livened with black ankle boots. Her legs seemed to extend out toward the heavens and the neck line showed enough of her assets but also allowed a lot to the imagination.
“Hey you two, glad you could make it.” Kristie smiled and made the first move toward Taylor. She was instantly in Kristie’s arms and Taylor’s eyes bulged slightly in surprise, but she smiled and squeezed back.
“Thank you for inviting us. Your grandmother’s home is beautiful.” Kristie moved back allowing me room to follow her lead and hug Taylor. I wasn’t much of a hugger though, and she knew that. Taylor and I looked at each other awkwardly for a moment, before Kristie butted in.
“Seriously? Where are your manners.” Kristie gave me a push which got my feet to move. Before I knew it, my arms were around Taylor. I allowed myself to relish in the warm body for a minute before I realized that every part of our bodies were touching. I cleared my throat and backed away, giving her a shy smile.
“Yes. Thank you for inviting me. Us.” Taylor nodded as she kept her eyes on mine. Her grandmother gave a distinctive clearing of her throat which seemed to knock Taylor out of something she had mulling about in her head.
“Right. Drinks?”
+++
Kristie was a down right social butterfly. It was one of the things that attracted me toward her instantaneously. When I first moved to California, I didn’t have a single person to talk to. I figured that I would make those ‘everlasting’ friendships by interacting with my fellow classmates. Kristie had a different idea though.
I had been mulling over moving in the dorms or getting an off campus apartment. Even though I obtained a full scholarship, it only accounted for tuition and when seeing the price of living in the dorms, I realized that getting a small job would be better than taking out a school loan for living on campus. I managed to find a classified ad with someone needing a roommate. A woman, non-smoker, walking distance to Caltech and I was hooked. For only six hundred a month, I’d have my privacy to study and have full access to the apartment.
When I first spoke with Kristie on the phone, inquiring if the room was still available, I was ready to perform an interview. I had studied and researched possible questions she would ask but instead she just asked me how old I was, if I had a boyfriend (from which I laughed) and if I could pay the rent. The day I moved in, Kristie had asked a few of her classmates over to help me with my stuff and the rest was history. Before I knew it, we were hiking the La Canada hills and discussing our future.
Looking at Kristie now, as I sat sipping spiked eggnog, I almost wished that the years being her friend would have allowed me to open up a little. She had the group she was talking to in the palm of her hands. They laughed as Kristie animatedly spoke about her work at Space X and asked questions on the future Mars mission.
I stared down at my drink, my mind going to a question that I had been asking all night. Why was I here? Why had Taylor invited me? I had tried to catch her eye throughout the evening but she had been playing hostess. Refilling drinks, offering conversation and not even one look in my direction. It had confused me to no other.
“You know, it’s Christmas time. You’re not allowed to look like a sour puss.” A deep, male voice announced and the couch depressed next to me. I looked to my left and a smile that had been hidden finally made its way to the surface.
“Bryce!” I shifted to get a better look at him. Five years had turned the boy into a strikingly handsome young man. He gave his trademark crooked smile and popped some type of appetizer in his mouth. Some things never change. “I didn’t know you were going to be here. How are you?”
Bryce finished chewing and sipped on the mug in his hand. He wiped his lips and nodded. “I never miss a Montgomery Christmas party. And I’ve been good. Graduating next year from Stanford.” My eyes widened and Bryce chuckled. “What? Didn’t think I had it in me to go there?” He cocked a playful eyebrow up and I pushed his shoulder.
“Stop teasing. I’m just surprised. I thought you had wanted to skip college and travel.”
“I did. And then my moms figured it would be better for me to get a degree. I’m glad I listened to them.” He chuckled, took another sip of his drink and placed it on the table in front of us. “What about you? I heard you’re going to be working for NASA.”
I furrowed my brows as Bryce cocked a head in Taylor’s direction. I looked over at her and blue eyes finally caught mine. She smiled but then went back to her conversation.
“She told you?” I almost whispered. I didn’t know why but I didn’t want Taylor to think I was talking about her.
“She did.” He too looked over at Taylor and then back to me. “But enough about her, tell me everything.”
And I did. I told Bryce about my job offer at JPL. How I had basically been a hermit for the five years in school and how I still had a long way to go before I considered myself truly successful.
“So you got your Masters in five years, have an actual career and a girlfriend, but you don’t consider that success?”
I shifted in my seat, taking the last sip of my eggnog and trying to figure out how to answer that question. “I mean, I know it’s a success, but I haven’t reached my goals just yet.”
Bryce relaxed more into the couch. “I think you’ve reached a lot of your goals, Jen. Even if you haven’t reached them all, you can still consider yourself successful.” I agreed with him, just to switch the conversation to a subject that didn’t involve me. “And I’m interested in these goals that will make you successful. And if you’ll actually believe you’ve finally ‘made it’ once they are reached.
“What is your major?” I asked jokingly. Bryce gave another crooked grin.
“Psychology.”
“I figured.” We both laughed and I shook my head in disbelief. How had so much changed in just five years? I knew Bryce as just a boy, and now he was sitting here, asking me life questions that I didn’t even know I could answer.
“What do you think makes a person successful?” I asked in return. Bryce contemplated my question for a moment, his facial expressions turning serious.
“I think someone is successful when they can honestly say they are happy.” He nodded his head once, as if it was his final answer.
“And what does being ‘happy’ entail?”
I was honestly intrigued with what he would answer. Bryce chuckled and shook his head. “I’m not sure. But I’ll let you know once I figure it out.”
“You’re not happy?”
Bryce shrugged his shoulders and sighed. “I am, yes. But not in the way that everyone thinks. I am happy that I chose to go down a path in life that will give me opportunities for my future. I have a girlfriend who is awesome and makes me feel whole. I could see myself having children with her which gives me a ‘happy’ feeling inside. But I haven’t been to the point where I can look at my life and say I am ‘truly’ happy. Does that make sense?”
I agreed with him. Looking at my life I could say that I was happy too. I graduated school, had the dream job but there was still that something that was missing.
“I mean, look at Taylor. She has everything she has ever wanted. Went down the path that she chose for herself and even though she smiles, there is a hole there that could one day be filled with happiness. I think we all have that hole and only one thing could fill it.”
I looked over at Taylor as Bryce had said. She was smiling but I couldn’t tell if it was genuine or not. Why wasn’t Taylor happy? She had money and fame. Wasn’t that enough?
&nb
sp; “What could fill that hole?” I had asked the question to myself but Bryce answered none the less.
“Something we don’t think can. Some people may never find whatever it is that will make them happy. It’s something that we can’t even plan for, and that’s why it’s so hard to say you’re truly happy.”
I kept my eyes on Taylor as she looked down at the drink in her hands. I had noticed all night how she would ‘check out’ every now and then and stare off into the space in front of her.
“But don’t tell her I told you that.” He pointed at his nose and I nodded without looking at him.
“Is she really not happy?” I asked him after a few moments of silence. The thought made my heart skip a beat.
“She is in her own way. But being a celebrity isn’t all what it’s cracked up to be.” He stood and stretched his back. “She invited you because she thought she didn’t have to ‘work’ tonight. But her step-grandfather invited some of his friends who are fans so…duty calls.” He gave another crooked smile. “It was good seeing you again, Jen.” He put his hand on my shoulder and smiled. “But my duty calls now.” He fished his phone out of his pocket and the illuminated screen showed the picture of a beautiful red head. I nodded at him with a knowing smile and he stepped away, his voice softly trailing behind him as he answered the phone.
I kept my eyes on Taylor, her smile now genuinely sad as her eyes landed on Kristie who was still speaking to the same group she had been since before Bryce came over. What was that sadness in her eyes? And why was I so adamant about finding out how to change it?
Chapter 23
The days leading up to Christmas were a frenzy of buying gifts, family outings and babysitting. I allowed my mother and father some time to themselves to visit the tourist spots of Los Angeles, while I spent some quality time with my older sister.
Beth wasn’t hard to take care of. In fact, I noticed that as she grew older, she became smarter. Her mind may not work exactly as someone who didn’t have her disability, but she learned in her own ways. She wasn’t ‘stuck’ like so many doctors had told us she would be when she was younger. In fact, Beth now had the mental capacity of a ten year old, rather than a six year old when we were kids. Yes, it may seem like a horrible thing to say, seeing as my sister was years older than me and sometimes I did wonder what kind of woman she would be like if she wasn’t disabled, but her innocence was still her best quality and I wouldn’t change that for the world.
