by Renee Porter
“When the universe was created, simple atoms combined and created the stars. When a star would die, the explosion created heavier elements and expelled them into the universe. After billions of years, this allowed planets to form and eventually life. So yes, we are all technically made of stardust. The atoms inside of us that created our lives, are the same ones that stars expelled.” I pulled my left hand out of my pocket and gripped the rough wood of the tree trunk.
“So even with the chaos, something beautiful and unique came out of it all.”
“I guess, yes.”
“I don’t think I’d have feelings for you if you didn’t have this chaos inside of you, Jen.” She peered at me around the thick bark and smiled. “You wouldn’t be as interesting. There’s always been this thing that’s drawn me to you.”
Again I let out a heavy, relieved breath. At least I knew she felt the same way. And then I teased, “So you’re attracted to me because I insult you?” I heard her laugh over the breeze and I joined her.
“I thought it presented a nice challenge for me.” Taylor waited for me to respond. I went through a myriad of things in my head but could only come up with one sentence.
“Does this mean you’ll go out on a date with me? That is, if you don’t mind it taking a while for me to figure out how to be around you without exploding?”
My eyes finally were on her own and she cocked a teasing eyebrow up. My face flushed with embarrassment and she knew exactly what she was doing. Instead of her elaborating on my choice of words, she broke eye contact and frowned.
“You don’t want to date me, Jen.”
I didn’t know if I had heard right so I replayed her words in my head again. “Did you just say I don’t want to date you? Because I’m pretty sure that I do.”
“No, you don’t.” It was her turn to let out a breath, but it was sad, unwanted. “Believe me. It’s something that I found out about my chosen career. We wouldn’t have a normal relationship. Our every move would be documented for the world to see. There would be no privacy and…”
I cut her off. “I don’t care about everyone else. It’s something that can be fixed. It’s something that we can figure out…together.” I pleaded as if on my knees. If I could just have one chance to show her that I could work, that this could be achieved, then she would realize she could have a normal life outside of the one she thinks she knew she had.
“I wish it were that easy.” Taylor presented me with sad smile and my hand on the rough bark searched for something to grab. I winced as I felt the trunk dig into my skin. How could something so beautiful hurt so bad?
“It can be, though Taylor.” It was my last plea to her and as I watched Taylor shake her head I heard the muffled sounds of “Happy New Year!” coming from a multitude of houses.
“Maybe,” Taylor said in finality. It wasn’t what I wanted to hear. It wasn’t that she was giving me a definite ‘no’, but it still felt like a rejection. Taylor stood, steadying herself on the branch and walked over to the neighboring window. She crawled inside and lifted her head one last time to look at me.
“I’m sorry, Jen.” And with one last sad smile, Taylor closed the window and drew the curtains, leaving me alone with only the silence and wind to comfort me.
I made the long trek back home without waking my friends. I grabbed the note I had left on the kitchen counter, looked down at it and crumpled it in my hand.
When I had wrote the note I was full of hope and possibilities. Now, however, that feeling was long gone.
I willed myself to try and figure out where things had gone wrong as I climbed into my makeshift bed on the couch. Taylor had feelings for me. I had feelings for Taylor. I was ready for something more. Taylor didn’t sound like she was ready for anything.
The change of circumstances didn’t go unnoticed by me. It was as if Taylor and I had switched places. She had been ready for something in high school, I was still trying to find myself. That gave me the tiniest bit of hope that maybe, one day, Taylor would be ready. Just like I had been.
Chapter 27
“Jen, can you try and get the low pass filter and diplexer drawings out to General Dynamics before the manufacturing readiness review?”
I looked up at my office door to see my lead, Richard, standing there. Richard had been working at JPL for only fifteen years. Compared to the thirty plus years that seventy five percent of people had under their belt, he was still considered a newby. I, on the other hand, was considered just an infant.
“Hey, Rick. I just sent over the acceptance package to you for review. Let me know what you think and I’ll send it out to Gary afterward.”
Rick smiled slowly, scratching his rough beard while eyeing me. I chuckled at his open expression and asked a playful ‘what?’.
“Nothing. Just wondering how long it will be before the infant steals my job.” He waved a goodbye to me while saying he was sure the package was fine to send.
I hadn’t been surprised by Rick’s praise of my work. A six months ago, I was placed on the telecommunications team for the Mars Rover which meant that I would get experience with the Cruise Stage, Descent Stage and the rover itself. Many new engineers were only given one stage to work on. After a few months of proving myself, and with a little help from Monty retiring early, the lead cognizant engineering position for telecommunications was up for grabs. I didn’t even have to apply. I had been called up by the section manager to be loaned out by my current department and the rest was history.
I heard a thump from a body sitting down across from my computer and looked up. Carl’s face was forlorn and I mimicked his frown. “What’s wrong, officemate?”
Carl groaned as he rifled through his bag, pulled out a thick folder and handed it to me. “QA just murdered my waveguide inspection. There are over a hundred discrepancies that I’ll have to go through, just to even get to the inheritance review.” He powered on his laptop as I looked over the issues that the Quality Assurance Engineer found.
“There are only ten issues on here.” I kept flipping through the explanations on the inspection report and finally handed it back over to Carl.
“It might as well be a hundred. If these waveguides aren’t accepted, then my budget goes out the window.” He whistled as he mimicked a bird with his hand, flying away.
“Just break it down. The precision cleaning is easy and that was a given if you want these parts for flight. The majority of them just had foreign, unknown debris. The ones that have the welding voids just need to be checked out and filled if necessary, and you can refilm the exposed aluminum. No biggy.” I smiled at him and his shoulders relaxed.
“How do you do that,” he finally asked after a brief moment of silence.
“Do what?” I had already moved on from the waveguide conversation and was staring at Rick’s email. He had given me the go ahead to send my package to General Dynamics.
“Make it sound less serious than what it looks like.”
I made eye contact with Carl who was looking through the large inspection report. He started to write on each discrepancy in red, noting what really needed to be done first to get his project up and running.
“I just break it down. It’s easier to see things as smaller issues than one large one. It’s just taking one step at a time.” I shrugged my shoulder.
“I don’t know what I would do without you,” he sighed, which garnished a laugh from me.
“Probably have more fun and do less work…” Carl chuckled and I forced out a laugh myself but it was true. He would be having more fun. Because work was all that was left for me.
+++
“Do you know how screwed up it is to send me five, just out of college kids, who have never had a real job and don’t know what an actual deadline is?” I heard Kristie growl from over the phone as I entered our apartment. Actually, I needed to stop referring the apartment as ‘ours’, it had been technically just mine for almost three years now.
“I know you’re a bi
g wig and all, but don’t you think it’s good to have fresh talent? You know the older folks are set in their ways and it’s harder to train them.”
“You’re so optimistic. All of you JPLers are. Tell me, what’s it like to love going to work every day?”
When Kristie had taken the job in Florida, the stress took over as well. Her workload tripled, which meant more time on the job and less time meant for herself. She had hoped that having a team working for her would allow her to delegate more but her program had grown exponentially. The fifty people that she had originally been set to manage grew to over a hundred within the last few months. The poor woman’s life was her work.
I couldn’t blame her. It’s not like my life was any different, but instead of being forced to work like Kristie, I volunteered my hours. Of course, I was paid, but what else would I do with my time. My social life had taken a drastic turn for the worst when Kristie left.
And when Taylor left, too.
When I had told Kristie and Dana that I had went to see Taylor they were proud of me. When I had told them that she didn’t know if she wanted to date me they were flabbergasted. And when I showed them both that she had no interest in dating me, well, they were heartbroken.
It took time for me to realize that it wasn’t my fault. Sometimes, things don’t work out the way you plan. And although I didn’t like that sentiment, I found out that it was true. In my fantasy world, I was with Taylor. In the real world, I could only move forward and hope to find someone that made me feel like she did.
I hadn’t found that yet, and that was okay. Kristie told me that I needed to get out there and date. That I wouldn’t find anyone just sitting around but I begged to differ. I didn’t want to look for love. I wanted it to happen naturally. I didn’t want to have to treat it as something that was in my ‘plan’ and that was something I was adamant about. I mean, look what happened when it was in my plan? I ended up being a fish out of water, gasping for breath.
“So, did you get it off?” Kristie moved away from work talk which I was more than happy about.
“Absolutely. How about you?”
“Damn right I did. And I’m not even bringing my laptop or phone. It’s going to just be me, you and Dana. Oh, and I guess we can add her fiancé and wedding in there somewhere.”
I chuckled and my thoughts went to my best friend in Oregon. It wasn’t too long after she left for back home, that she started dating Doug. And after a few months of being together he popped the question. At first I was worried that it was too soon, but I knew how connected those two were. And who was I to say how love should work?
And now, the time was upon us to do our diligent duty as her friends to make sure she had the best experience possible.
“It’s going to be three weeks, Kris. You sure you can handle that?”
“I deserve it, but I’m bummed I can’t stay for longer like you.”
“Well, that wasn’t my choice. My boss told me I needed to take at least a month. I found out he really didn’t like me hoarding my vacation hours.”
We spoke for a few minutes longer until Kristie stated she was exhausted and needed to be up in six hours. I looked at the clock. It was only eleven where she was which meant another early day in the office and late day going home. I hung up the phone, making sure to tell her that I missed her and couldn’t wait to see her. She left with her own sentiments and I got ready for bed, excited that I would be going home soon. Excited that I would be back with my friends. Excited that I might be seeing her one more time.
At the thought of Taylor, my phone pinged and I glanced at the incoming text.
Just got accosted by a rat on the subway.
I snorted at the ridiculous phrase and typed back.
Why are you on the subway? Aren’t you afraid of getting accosted by more than just rats?
I palmed my phone and turned it in my hand, waiting for the response back.
Taylor had stayed for that week of New Year’s and it wasn’t too long after we had spoken that she made the decision to go back on tour. I could still feel the hurt that accompanied her sincere words. The crevice that had formed in my heart deepened with every day that came closer to her leaving. We saw each other the day before she left and with sad smiles and a longing hug, Taylor left yet again, forming the miles between us that we had managed to diminish just weeks prior.
We didn’t speak about our talk that night on the tree. It was a mutual conclusion that Taylor wasn’t ready for any type of relationship, casual or serious, between us.
I had thought that Taylor’s leaving would mean that she would be out of my life forever. I thought that her leaving meant that she didn’t want me in any way, not even as a friend, so I was surprised when I received that first text saying she made it to New York just fine. It took me a while to even respond, but eventually, the short texts we sent back to one another turned into long descriptions of our days, and the phone calls were what really kept me grounded.
Don’t worry. No one really thinks I’d take the subway. Hiding in plain sight. ;)
If I had been smart I would have tried to distance myself from Taylor. In the beginning, I tried to tell myself that I could just be Taylor’s friend. It was clear that Taylor didn’t want a relationship, so it should be easy for me to move on knowing that we would never be. But with every text, and every phone call, I found my feelings growing deeper. She was thousands of miles away, never in the same place for more than two days, but those calls made me feel like she was in the same room.
The crevice in my heart grew even wider.
I looked down at my phone, the ping letting me know she had sent another text.
What are you doing tonight?
I knew I should respond but for some reason her asking about my night made my stomach turn. I wanted her to really care what I was doing. I wanted her to wonder if I was dating, if I had a girlfriend, if I thought about her still, but we had a silent agreement to never ask anything too personal.
Same thing I do every night. Think about you and why you left…
I deleted the last sentence of my text and hit ‘send’. It wouldn’t do me any good to respond honestly. I had been truthful with Taylor and I had still been left wanting.
You work too much, you know that?
Her response was punctuated with a ‘wink’. I nodded at my phone agreeing with her. I did work too much, but what else was there?
Too bad you decided to end your tour early. Wouldn’t you be in town this week?
It was a bold message to send but I couldn’t help it. About half way through her tour, Taylor cancelled her remaining shows and refunded the sold out tickets. There were rumors stating she was pregnant or sick, but she had divulged to me that she was too exhausted to continue. I had hoped that her ending the tour meant that she would be making her way back to Los Angeles, but she had decided to stay in New York. Yet another reason how I knew Taylor didn’t want me in her life physically.
Keeping tabs on me, Jen? That’s good to know…
I didn’t respond to the tease. I knew how this would go. Taylor and I would ping pong back and forth, innocently flirting with one another until she would stop responding and end with a short, ‘got to go’ or ‘good night’. It didn’t help my ego if I played her game, even if it was tempting.
I stared at the text for a few more seconds before I placed the phone down and went to my kitchen. I opened a bottle of water and took three long sips, hoping the cool liquid would calm me down. I heard my phone message ping three times, and although I wanted to check to see what Taylor was sending, a part of me didn’t want to get pulled in again. I wasn’t doing well, I knew that for a fact, and the fact that she couldn’t notice that made me hurt even more.
The crevice widened a little more.
I busied myself in my kitchen, my phone still pinging every few moments, until finally I relented. I walked to my phone, opening my messaging app and reading the responses quickly.
But yes, if I
didn’t cancel I would be in town.
It would have been good to see you.
If I’m honest I almost didn’t cancel knowing that I’d have an excuse to see you again.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to say it like that…
Have I upset you?
Jen?
I poised my fingers to respond but as I started to type my phone started to ring. Taylor’s name flashed on my screen and I hovered over the green accept button, and then the red decline. I didn’t know what I wanted.
“You answered,” her breathless words came over the line. I cleared my throat, closing my eyes at the way her voice sounded. It had been a few days since I heard it, only resorting to texts to see how she was doing.
“Yes. I was just texting you back actually…”
“I’m sorry for spamming your phone. You just stopped responding and I started getting worried that I took it too far…”
Taylor’s words faded and I struggled to find something in my head to respond with.
“You don’t need an excuse to see me, you know.” I stood up, pacing the length of my apartment living room.
“I know, Jen.”
“Do you Taylor? It seems like you don’t, because you’ve settled over in New York without even saying you’ve wanted to come to see me.” I hated myself for getting so emotional. I knew what Taylor wanted from me. I knew it, but still I couldn’t turn my brain off.
The line went silent and for a moment I thought she disconnected.
“I do want to see you, I just can’t right now.” It was then I realized that she was whispering. My mind went to all the reasons why she would be. I knew she wasn’t working on anything right now and it was late in New York.
“You have someone there, don’t you?” I didn’t want to say the words but I needed to know. Maybe this would be the final reason to help me get over her. Maybe her saying that she was seeing someone would stop my feelings from growing even more.
