by Renee Porter
“I don’t know how to answer that…”
I closed my eyes tightly, willing myself to not care.
“It doesn’t matter, Taylor. You just did…”
I shook my head at myself, annoyed with the fact that I still felt this way for her. It had been so many months since we were in the same room together, my feelings should have waned.
“It’s still new, Jen. I met him a few weeks ago and we sort of hit it off. I don’t know if it’s going to be more or if anything is going to come of this…”
I allowed her to talk as the bile rose in my throat. For some reason, Taylor saying that she was starting a relationship with a man hit me hard. If it were a woman, maybe, just maybe I would be dealing with it better. But knowing that he was giving Taylor something I couldn’t, that was what really drove me over the edge.
“That’s good.”
“Please don’t be like this.” Taylor pleaded and I bit back a laugh.
“I’m not being like anything, Taylor. It’s good you found someone you connect with and you’re willing to try with. Some of us could only be so lucky.”
My tears started to fall as I realized that everything I had ever thought about Taylor and relationships were true. She was more than willing to have a relationship, just not with me.
“Jen, it’s different. With you and me. You know that I’ve always felt…”
I cut Taylor off, saying that I didn’t want to talk about our past. It was unneeded, and unwanted. I hung up with her quickly, ending the conversation that I didn’t want to her to wake him. She tried to call back but I declined it, and refused to answer any of the messages she sent there after.
I went to bed, struggling to make sense of it all and I came to the same conclusion I wished had been wrong all along. There would never be anything between me and Taylor.
Chapter 28
“Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Please buckle your seatbelts, we will be arriving in ten minutes…”
The plane ride from Los Angeles to Oregon wasn’t long, for which I was grateful for. I peered outside of the window, the clear blue skies and sun shining down on Portland. I smiled for the first time in hours. It hadn’t been a pleasant ride, especially with the kid kicking my seat behind me.
I was able to get out of the airport in record time. Making my way through the masses, I stepped outside, waiting for my ride. My mother already had texted me apologizing she would be late. It sounded like Beth had gotten into her flour and wanted to ‘make it snow’. I couldn’t be mad for her being delayed with the vision of Beth and the kitchen covered in the soft, powdered white baking goods.
I glanced out amongst the cars and people hugging for their loved ones return. A couple was locked in an embrace, the woman holding her boyfriend or husband with a vice like grip. The feeling of love was so evident in the way they held each other and I let out a sigh of content. It would be amazing to feel that one day.
My mother took longer than expected. About an hour after waiting outside, I finally saw her red PT cruiser pull up. I stood, stretching my back and waving to an excited Beth in the back seat. I could tell her hair was wet, which meant it was a bad enough ‘episode’ that she needed a bath to clean up.
“Tay!” Beth called out from the window. I furrowed my brows at my sister who wasn’t waving at me, rather than someone behind me. I glanced back and noticed the clicking sounds of cameras and people starting to gather just inside the entrance. The large sliding, windowed doors that led into the airport showed a chaotic scene. It was definitely Taylor, I would know those blonde waves anywhere. And it looked like she was struggling to be humble and nice but wanting to get out of the clutches and flashes of fans and the ‘raz’.
I looked over to my mother who waved me inside. “Help her” she mouthed. I didn’t know if Taylor wanted help but another yell of ‘Tay’ from my sister got me moving.
It seemed like everyone from the airport was now crowding Taylor. She was trying to push her way through the hoard but was having trouble. Every step she would take she would be pushed back and I was surprised that she didn’t have a security escort with her. Shouldn’t that be one of her priorities? Didn’t she know that she could get hurt?
I pushed my small body through the masses, even elbowing some guy in the side when he wouldn’t move out of my way. He grunted and released his camera’s view on Taylor. I almost snarled at him and he stepped out of the way for me which basically gave me a straight path to my old friend.
“Need a little help?” I asked from inside the hoard. Taylor startled at the voice in her ear but when she realized it was me, she presented me with a grateful smile.
“I should have known it would be like this. “
I nodded in confirmation as I helped Taylor walk out the entrance. Pushing my way through the surrounding onlookers and fans, I finally made it to my mom’s car. I grabbed Taylor’s items, popped the trunk and basically ordered her to get in. After getting her things settled, I went back to grab my own, shoving it into the back of the car. It had helped that the airport police finally showed up, which gave us room to actually move and drive away.
“Tay!”
It was all I heard as my mom drove off, finally getting to the interstate. I had taken the front seat and peered over to Taylor in the back with my sister. I was silent, trying to get over the shock that we were together, in the same city, yet again.
“Why are you here?” Beth snorted and I looked over my left shoulder. My sister had placed her head on Taylor’s arm, holding her hand and squeezing it as if Taylor would disappear right in front of her.
Taylor smiled and removed her sun glasses, looking directly at me. She seemed a little nervous, though I wasn’t sure why. Instead of saying anything directly to me, she looked down at my sister.
“I came to see you, Beth. Is that all right?” Beth nodded her head vigorously. It was exactly what she wanted to hear.
“Thank you for helping me out of that mess, Mrs. Hunter.” I bit my lip hard as Taylor spoke to my mother. They started to converse as I attempted not to blow up. Hadn’t I just helped Taylor through that mess? And she doesn’t even thank me?
I listened their conversation, as I stared out of the window, watching the scene before me blur as houses and cars passed by. It wasn’t too long before we pulled up to Montgomery-Fields’ house.
My eyes dragged up the large staircase and a sudden feeling of sadness washed over me. I heard Taylor get out of the car, open the trunk and remove her luggage. She was saying something to my mother, then saying goodbye to Beth and walking up to the house. She didn’t even say a single word to me.
Before she opened the door, Taylor turned to wave goodbye. I didn’t smile, I didn’t show any sort of affection but at the last moment she mouthed a ‘thank you’, her eyes landing on mine. I nodded once and then Taylor disappeared. She was good at doing that.
+++
“Did you know she would be there?” I finally asked as I walked through my childhood home. My mother denied any involvement with what had just happened. “I mean, she should have had a ride, right?” My voice was full of disdain. I couldn’t understand why Taylor had treated me as a stranger. We hadn’t seen each other in three years, but it’s not like she didn’t know who I was.
“You didn’t hear what she was talking about?” My mother helped me place my luggage down as I shook my head ‘no’. I didn’t hear a word what they had spoken about. I was in my own little world. “Her flight changed and when she was trying to get everything figured out her phone died. She thought the change would trick the media but they caught on. She didn’t think it would be so crazy and thought she could at least grab a taxi to her grandmother’s.”
“She should be more careful. There are a lot of people out there that could hurt her. Doesn’t she know that?”
My frustration was evident and my mother peered cautiously at me. “I’m sure she does, honey.” My mother paused and then asked, “How long h
as it been since you’ve spoken with Taylor?”
I had never told my mother about what happened that New Year’s Eve night. It wasn’t even really something I wanted to tell anyone about, but my friends were more than persistent. I shook my head, not wanting to talk about it and thankfully my mother relented. Not.
“Jen, why is it that every time I bring up her name in conversation, you shut down?”
“Because I’d rather not talk about Taylor. It stresses me out and I want to actually enjoy my time with my family and friends.”
“Don’t you consider Taylor one of your friends?” My mother was rightfully confused. I had given her no other reason to understand why I felt frustration and anger and every other emotion toward the blonde.
My eyes turned to Beth who was wearing her damned Pluto shirt. I couldn’t get away from the subject of Taylor, even if I wanted to. My mother pleaded with her eyes.
“I haven’t spoken to Taylor in a few weeks.” I sat down heavily on the kitchen chair and my mom mirrored my movements.
“And why not? I thought you both had reconnected?”
“I thought we had, too.” The fabric of the tablecloth had become very interesting to me. I picked at the fringe until I felt my mother’s warm familiar hands stop my own.
“Why can’t you just talk to me?”
I considered her familiar brown eyes. Whenever we would be at family functions, people would tell me they could guess I was my mother’s daughter just by the resemblance of our eyes. Right now, hers were concerned. It was the same look she had given me when I had come out. It was also the same look she had given me when I had revealed to her that Kristie and I were not an actual couple.
“It’s hard for me,” I pleaded myself. “I don’t know why…it’s like I’ve failed in a way and that’s why it’s hard to talk about.”
“You’ve failed? Jen, what are you talking about?”
Again, I took in my mother’s fine features. It didn’t look like she had aged much at all. I on the other hand, felt like I had aged years just from the flight back home.
“Remember I had told you that I wasn’t ready to date Taylor back when I was a kid?” I waited for my mother to nod and I continued. “Well, when we reconnected, I felt those same feelings bubble up inside of me. It didn’t take long at all for me to realize that I was ready. So, I told her that I wanted to be something more.”
“And I could already guess that she didn’t feel the same about you any longer?”
I shook my head and chuckled a sad laugh. “She did. She felt the same exact way, but she wasn’t ready. It feels like every time the world puts Taylor and I together, it’s at the most inopportune time.” I swallowed against my stinging throat. “And I thought that maybe it was timing, but last time we spoke she told me she was dating some guy she met in New York. We can’t even be friends I don’t think.”
Again, I felt my mother’s warm hand on my own. “Maybe there is a reason behind it all? You can’t say that it’s not strange to you when Taylor tells you she can’t date and then leaves the town that would keep you both together. And her dating doesn’t mean that she doesn’t still have feelings for you.”
I had thought of that too. And it coming from the mouth of someone else didn’t make it hurt any less.
“I’ve just come to the conclusion that she did it to get away from me. Maybe she didn’t really like me. Taylor never did like to stir the pot. It was probably her way of letting me down easy.”
My mother laughed at that sentiment and again I felt a pang of hurt. I know she wasn’t laughing at me but rather my train of thought.
“You’re so intelligent, Jen, but I think it clouds your judgement in relation to love.” At that time, my sister came over and sat down on my lap. I huffed loudly as she grabbed me around my neck and placed a sloppy, wet kiss on my cheek.
“How do you mean?” Beth asked for me. I didn’t think she really knew what we were talking about but I smiled none the less.
“I mean, Bethy, that your sister has to look at her relationship with Taylor from outside of herself. Don’t you agree?” Beth nodded and said an ‘okay’. She climbed off my lap and went back to the television when her show came back from commercial.
“I know what you’re doing…”
“And what would that be?” My mother asked back innocently.
“You’re trying to make me feel better about a situation that I shouldn’t even be considering anymore.”
“Isn’t that what mothers are for? To help their children feel better?”
“It would actually be nice for someone to just tell me like it is,” I muttered. I heard my mother sight heavily.
“Just work it out like I said, Jen. Let’s say Dana was in this position with someone she had feelings with. What would you tell her?”
My thoughts went to my friend Dana in that moment. I would have to call her to tell her that I was in town. But then, I thought about what my mother said. If she had gone through this with Doug, how would I help her through the situation? If Doug was a celebrity and said that he had feelings for Dana but couldn’t date her, and then left, I would think he was an idiot.
But then I took a step back. No, I knew how much Doug loved Dana. He wouldn’t want to spend the rest of his life with her if he didn’t. I could see it with the way he treated her. I would have to think that there had to be reason he couldn’t date her. He would be protecting her from something.
“She had told me that it was hard to be with her. That her life was out in the open, with no privacy. Do you think it’s because I am a woman?”
My mother shook her head. “No, I don’t think that’s it at all. But I do think that you’re on the right path. Maybe Taylor didn’t want that life for you. She, out of everyone, knows how tumultuous it could be. And you were just starting your dream job, just getting your feet wet in something you loved. Imagine the stress of adding a high profile relationship to that.”
My heart eased and my shoulders felt a little less tense. Did Taylor think she was making the right decision for me? Did she think that if she would have stayed that we would eventually date and then break up from the stress of celebrity life? Did she make a decision to turn me away like her mother had done when she was a teenager?
I bit my lip in consternation and looked toward my mom. “Even if that is true, it still doesn’t change anything.”
“Or it does.” My mother pointed at her nose. “Maybe the universe has finally put you both together at the right time.” She touched my nose then, just like she did when I was a little kid. “Guess you’ll just have to wait and see.” My mother stood and hugged me and I returned the hug tighter than usual.
I guess I would.
Chapter 29
“I found it!” Kristie came barreling in to the apartment living room and nearly landed on top of me on the couch. I moved away just in time and eyed the kitchen where Dana was on the phone with her florist.
“You found what?” I asked. I made myself more comfortable and peeked over Kristie’s hands which were holding her phone.
“Dana’s bachelorette party! I found the venue.” She shoved the phone in my direction so I could see just what she had found. My nose scrunched up as “Thunder Down Under” appeared in big block letters. Along with some other large things attached to muscular men, which my eyes did not want to see.
“Ew. No.” I turned the phone back to Kristie who held it out again.
“Oh. Yes.” She said in turn. I shook my head and she nodded her own. “Don’t be a party pooper. It’s her last days as a single woman. And you are the only lesbian in the bridal party, so you’re going to have to take one for the team.”
I glanced down at the webpage again and envisioned Dana receiving a lap dance on stage by the handsome man in the middle of the screen. I grimaced but then started chuckling.
“It would be funny to see her face when they start ripping off their clothes.”
Kristie was grinning like the Cheshi
re cat. “Exactly. We’ll tell her we are going to Reno and not even tell her about the show. Do you think the other girls can make it?” Kristie started to navigate through the webpage.
“I’m not even sure if the other girls are of age.” Dana had been in desperation mode by the time Kristie and I had come to her apartment. Doug had added two more friends to his groomsmen which meant that Dana needed two more people on her side to equal things out. I knew that she was able to get Doug’s cousin to join, but she had been still looking for one more. Now she was on with the florist, ordering two more small bouquets.
“We will figure it out. I’m also thinking of getting a party bus to drive us all down there.” Her grin grew wider and mine did too.
“That’s a great idea. Lord knows that I don’t want to drive.”
“I don’t want you to drive, either, grandma.”
The next few minutes were of me defending my cautious and safe driving skills. Dana finally ended her call with her florist and came down to sit with us.
“Okay, it’s all set.” She placed her phone down and tidied up her messed hair. She looked stressed and I got up to grab her a drink.
“Yes it is,” I returned with a glass of water and Dana smiled while gulping it down.
“What are you two up to?” She asked cautiously.
Kristie shrugged her shoulders. “How would you like to go to Reno for your bachelorette party?”
If we thought Dana wouldn’t like the idea we would be wrong. Her screams of excitement were more than enough to let us know she was okay with the plan.
“I just need the names of the two other women to invite them and I will take care of the rest.” I said in my best “maid of honor” voice. Dana opened her mouth and then shut it, looking over to Kristie.
“How about I just give them over to Kristie and she can take it from there.”
