by K. Pinson
The next few days pass by in a blur and the weekend is almost over. Tate spends most of his time away from home and doesn’t bring up the incident again. When he is around, he acts extra loving; constantly complimenting and trying to touch me. I can’t complete forget the maniacal look in his eye. It was scary how quickly it took over such a sweet face. I understand jealousy to an extent, but I’d never react that way.
Sunday rolls around and Tate calls me to let me know that he’s running extra late night tonight and won’t be home before I go to bed. He apologizes profusely, but I tell him not to worry about it and that I will be okay to fend for myself for the day. I don’t say it, but I think about how I’ve been doing it for myself for the past couple of months anyway and it’s certainly getting easier as the days roll by. My parents have called a couple of times to check on how things were going, but more or less making sure that I haven’t spoiled anything for them yet like I did all those years ago. They don’t ask how I am. They just ask how the game is going; the lifelong game. I respond shortly and the conversations are dull. They don’t invite me over, they don’t want to see me, and they care how I really feel about the whole situation. I guess I should have thought about all of this before I agreed though. I can’t really blame them for being their normal selves. I’m the only one that is pretending to be something I’m not.
I take a shower and get ready for the day. I go over my lines a couple of times and gear myself up for starting the job on Monday. I’m actually getting really good at memorizing them and learning how to play my part. I’m getting excited to go on set and try something new. I just hope that nobody notices a huge difference from how I do and how Heaven did.
I eat some lunch and sit around for another hour or two before finally working up enough courage to do what has really been on my mind for the last couple of weeks. I find the card and call the number on the back. I’m delighted to hear that the shop is open and that Ryker is available for an appointment. I don’t talk to him myself, just the reception lady and I give a fake name to hold an appointment. I don’t want to give him any chance to turn me down. He’s the only one I feel comfortable with to do this. It still confuses me how I feel butterflies when I think about him. I thought I had gotten over that and him long ago. He was my safety for a long time when I was a scared, lonely teenager. But when he broke my trust and I had to be my own protector, I fell out of love for him fast. But maybe it’s true what they say, you never fall out of love completely if it’s real. And with him, it was real. He went through the hardest time of my entire life with me. That type of bond can never truly be severed.
Chapter 10
I arrive at the shop just in time to make it in during my scheduled appointment. I sit in the car for much longer than necessary attempting to talk myself out of going in. He doesn’t want to see me. I am just a painful reminder of our past. But something pushes me in anyway.
“Appointment for Bella.” I state to the woman at the front desk. She nods her head and gestures for me to have a seat.
“Ryker will be right with you. He’s in a meeting at the moment.” I politely smile, sit down and grab a magazine from the end table look over while I wait. There are all kinds of cool tattoo ideas in this book, it almost makes me want to get another. Fifteen minutes flies by and the front desk woman receives a call giving the okay to send me back. I get up and walk down the hallway towards his office. It reminds me of doing the walk of shame in high school. Except there are no mushy feelings on this one. But the nervousness is all encompassing. When I open the door, he looks up and looks surprised to see me.
“I should have known that Bella Cullen was you. You still haven’t gotten over that whole Twilight faze?” he asks me jokingly. He’s right, I had used that as an alias because it reminded me of my past. I used to force him to watch the whole series on DVD time and time again with him. He hates the movie, but he would watch for me.
I smile and walk over to where the tattoo chair is located. I sit myself up top and begin pulling my shirt over my head.
“Hey...my kind of visit.” He smirks and wiggles his eyebrows. I laugh loudly, typical man.
“Nice try, buddy. I’m here for a tattoo. You can pick your jaw up from the floor now.” I tease.
“Oh yeah? I’m surprised hubby dearest would allow such a thing. He looks like the type of dude that thinks as soon as the ink hits your skin, hell comes up from the floor and swallows you whole. It’s probably not a far stretch of the imagination to assume he hasn’t notice the one you have already? You know, the one your sister, his actual wife, didn’t have.” I scowl at him and look away. I don’t even want to be talking about this right now
“I want you to fill the heart in, like a cover up.” Hurt lines his eyes and I instantly regret my rushed words. I attempt to backtrack, anything to take away that facial expression.
“It’s not personal, Ryk. It doesn’t change the way I loved you or the memories I hold. But she’s dead now and it’s time, time bury every part of her.” His mouth twists up in agony and I start to feel sick. I’m becoming a martyr. Hurting not only me, but everyone around me.
“What was so bad about her, huh?” He grabs my face gently and forces me to look into his eyes, “She was beautiful, so fucking beautiful that everyone else were dull in comparison. She was caring, a free spirit, loved like nobody I’ll ever come across again. She loved so fucking hard that she killed herself off just to make things happy for a bunch of assholes that never deserved her love to begin with. This...,” he gestures at me accusingly, “is not the Nev I know. I guess she really did die.”
His words slice through me like a knife, gutting me. He’s right, though. I’m not the same girl he once knew. Time changes people, situations change people and I had been through enough shit in my short life that I had admittedly changed, too.
“She was invisible.” I breathe out in a barely audible tone, “And maybe she wanted more.”
He doesn’t understand that all of this isn’t just for them. A part of this is for me. The me that yearned to be accepted by a family that refused to. For the little girl that wanted to see life, just once, through the eyes of someone so similar and equally different, all at the same time. For the version of herself that never had closure on why one twin, who was identical in every way physically, could be loved more. Why she didn’t deserve it just as much.
“Not to me... I would have given you everything. All of me until there was nothing left. But it was never enough. I was never enough.” His face turns downcast towards the floor and I knew nothing I could say would fix the broken part of him that had resurfaced by my hands. Him and I, we were never meant to be. Our paths crossed and I’ll always be thankful for that. But then tragedy struck causing our roads to branch out and we were no longer supposed to go together. Instead, I needed to take the journey alone.
“It wasn’t you.” And that was the truth. “It was us and every reason we don’t work weighing down on the reasons we did.” He looks up into my eyes and I can see true understanding. Things fall apart, so better things can fall together. I am happy for him, that things are finally falling together, and I only hope that he will be happy for me. The finality of our closure hits me like a ton of bricks. But now I am finally strong enough to withstand the impact and come out on the other side stronger than ever before.
He grabs his tattoo gun and fills a vile with pink ink. He has to mix the perfect amount of red and white to make the shade that he created for me all of those years ago. “Delicate, but bold; just like you.” He had said. After his mastery is finished with the color mixing, he plops down in his chair and rolls it over to where I am.
“Would you be more comfortable sitting up or lying on your stomach?” he questions, getting right down to business. I’m glad that the hard part of this meeting is over.
“I’ll lie down.” I offer easily. I get as comfortable as possible. The noise of the tattoo gun coming to life is music to my ears. As soon as the needle hits m
y skin, emotions wash over me and seep out every pore on my body. Tears slide down my cheeks, but not from the pain, as I can hardly feel it. They are for the rebirth, a phoenix rising from the ashes. I am finally getting an ending to our chapter and something new and right is just over the horizon. I can feel it. When the tattoo is finished, Ryker covers it and gives me all of the care instructions, professionally, just like he had done the first time. My parents were so very wrong about this man. He is truly going places. I sit up and put my shirt back over my head. I know that this will be the last time that I come to see him. I’m pretty sure that he knows it, too.
“Can I ask you one question before I go? Not to start anything. It’s just something that’s weighed heavily on my mind since we parted ways.”
“Shoot.” He responds.
“What did you do with the money that my parents gave you?” The money that was worth more than us. The money that had convinced him to stay away.
“I bought a private plot, for the baby, over in Gladstone cemetery, up by the tree that we used to have lunch under.” He looks uneasy, but I don’t care. I can’t stop myself from lunging out and hugging him tight. We would have never made it anyway and that I know deep down in my heart. I’m glad that the money was spent that way, giving a beautiful final resting place to someone I had never gotten a chance to know.
“I looked for you. I know it doesn’t matter now. But it’s true. I took the money because at the time I didn’t give a damn about those people. Money was nothing to them, still isn’t, they just throw it away. I wanted to put it towards something that made me happy. Something that I know would have made you happy. But they wouldn’t let me see you, you weren’t coming around on your own, everything was a mess and by the time I finally decided to say fuck it to what everyone else wanted and collect what I wanted, you were gone.” I want so badly for things to be different. The care I have for this man will never go completely away. Throughout the years I have often fantasized about the way my life would have been with Ryker in it. I visualize him holding our baby, us getting married, the whole white picket fence life. I wanted that with him, a part of me still does. His words don’t help to stray me away from those thoughts. Before all of the strength I’m feeling is lost and the closure falls apart, I walk away. I whisper a goodbye, but I doubt he even hears me. I don’t look back.
Before I know it, two firm hands are grasping me hard and spinning me full force around. The anticipation of what was to come next nearly causes me to pass out. When his lips touch mine, all of the feelings come rushing to the forefront of my mind. How can I let this go when I’ve just got it back?
Confusion doesn’t even begin to cover where my head is at, but when I’m in his arms, all doubts are lost. My hands go instantly around his neck, I remember the feel all too well. When he breaks for air, I take the short lapse of time to push him gently away. I know this isn’t right, even if it feels like it is.
“Ryk...” My voice quivers, unsure. “I probably shouldn’t...” He cuts me off before I can finish my thought. He already knows what I’m going to say and he doesn’t like it.
“Please don’t.” He begs. “You can get out of this all, Nev. You don’t have to do it anymore. Just come clean. I’ll help you. I’ll be here for you.”
There is so much conviction behind his voice that I honestly believe him, but unfortunately it’s not so easy. I’ve already given up so much to be doing this. Not to mention Tate and my family. He’s right when he told me that I shouldn’t give a damn about people that have never truly gave a damn about me, but that’s easier said than done. They are my family and they are relying on me to keep up this charade. It’s in the best interest of the family as a whole, even if I’m dying a little bit inside every single day. I thought that being Heaven would be easier, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. She lives a life of constant speculation and judgment. She’s not free to do anything without being worried about what consequences it may hold. I thought I wanted more attention, more love, but I’m not so sure that’s what this all really is. Regardless, I know I don’t want to do this anymore in the back of my mind. I’m just not sure that this is the real way out. It feels great right now, but I’m not in the using business and I don’t want to hurt Ryker. My head seems to be playing tricks on my hearts.
“I wish it was that easy, Ryker. I really do.”
“It can be.” He states simply. “Just give me this...one night...please.” His eyes are telling a different story than the words coming out of his mouth. He could never have me for just one night and be satisfied. I can tell he wants me back for the long haul. It only confuses me more. A part of me wants to just give in. Not for his sake, but because I want this too. I just know it’s not possible to go on like this forever. It isn’t fair to him or anybody else I’d be hurting. My mind never fucking shuts down. I truly wish it would.
“It could never be just one night, Ryker, and you know it. There’s just too much shit between us. It would take us a lifetime to shovel out of it.”
“A lifetime with you to myself honestly doesn’t sound that bad.”
“You had your chance.” I mock. He laughs and it settles the tension in the air a bit. I give a small smile, that’s about all I have to offer right now. He grabs my hand and places his head gently against mine.
“Just don’t lose hope again. I’ve got us this time. I know how to take care of everything.” He has a determined look on his face and I know better than dispute what he’s saying. When he puts his mind to something, he usually comes through. I am trying to forgive his past discretions. We were both young and very naive to the way the world worked. We both thought that love could overcome anything and we’d be able to survive on that alone. Unfortunately, that’s not the way that life works. Most of the time, it’s not fair. People that expect it is going to be and think that things are owed to them are the saddest of them all. That was us then. Now life has changed us. Our different courses have as well.
I am still confused about mostly everything. Things with Ryker, Tate, and this whole ruse. I want to just come clean to Tate. I would feel a lot better about everything. There’s no point to finish this ride. It’s not beneficial to anyone, myself included. I don’t really care at this point how it effects my parents any longer.
“I’ve got to go.” I get up and head towards the exit. I need time to think about everything. I don’t deserve it, but I need it.
“I’ll get a hold of you when I’m sure things are good and I can fix all of this.” I want to believe that it’s going to be some easy fix. Like I can blink and this will all just go away. Preferably with nobody hurt in the crossfire. But I know that’s not possible. I walk away and I don’t turn back around. Either it will work or it won’t. I’m not going to hold my breath, either way. I have bigger fish to fry.
Chapter 11
After I leave the shop, the world only seems bigger. I decide it would be a good time to go to the cemetery and see my baby. I can also use a good cry. My mind is so jumbled up, I don’t know which way is right.
I know exactly where Ryker is talking about and find the grave marker easily. It lay just underneath the tree where we relaxed and talked most of our summers together. We even carved our initials into its trunk. It is small, but beautiful; just like I’d imagine my baby was. I often times wonder what would have happened if I would have become a mother at such a young age. Would I be different? Wiser? Better? I’m not sure about any of that, but I will tell you one thing, I would have tried to give it the best life I possibly could have. I wouldn’t want it to grow up knowing anything other than the love I had to offer. No doubt in my mind about that. I see words written on the headstone marking it as our own. The symbol etched into the stone, the matching tattoos that Ryker and I had gotten, makes everything come full circle. I make a promise to come back and leave the hurt I am feeling behind.
On the drive home, I think about if I’ll ever have a baby. If I’ll ever be able to carry one full term, have
a big pregnant belly and spoil it with love and attention. I think about what a great dad Ryker would have been and how I hope he gets his chance to be one in the future. I try to envision a life of babies and happiness with Tate and Heaven’s face continuously pops into my mind. It’s almost like I’m standing on the outside of a window, looking in at somebody else’s happily ever after.
Can I really build a life with this man? Learn to love him the way he needs? I guess anything is possible. If nothing else, that’s what these last couple of months have shown me. But I still do not think I’m capable. In fact, I’m convinced of it. So instead...I decide tonight will be the night I tell him the truth. It’s for the best for everyone. I just don’t know exactly how I’m going to do it. I take a shower and throw on a tank top and pajama pants. I’m trying anything to help me from being so nervous about coming clean.
While I wait for him to arrive home, I open up the closet and dig Heaven’s diary back out. Just a couple pages should do the trick to pass some time and maybe help my thought process along before he comes home. I flip open more towards the end of the diary, but not quite on the last page. I’m not sure if I am able to handle her final words ever written just yet. That being said, I also don’t want to stick to the front of the book because I don’t want to relive the hurt that she felt when I left, the hurt that I never knew about it. I figured she would be just fine, but I was so very wrong. I’m not sure that even if I’d known, I would have turned around. If it would have changed anything. There were just so many things all happening at once. I couldn’t take all the stimulation. I was ready to break. It’s hard for me to believe that I would take back where my journey led me because that was to Jamison and I’ll forever be grateful for him.
I flip to an entry dated just a week before my mother had called me to come and take her place.
