by K. Pinson
Dear Diary,
I’m scared. I know what I’m doing with Brandon is so very wrong, but it feels right. It’s different with him than with Tate. He’s loving and he supports me. He’s never jealous or condescending. He doesn’t get upset when the roles I get are bigger than his own or when a man openly flirts with me. He shrugs it off when we are together and he cheers me on because deep down he knows, I’m his. I know this makes me a horrible person, but I can’t help how I feel. I’m leaving Tate. I’m serving him with papers tomorrow. I just hope he is able to move on. He’s not a bad person. He’s just not my one. I think I’ve finally found my one and I hope that we can make things work. I want true love, diary. I refuse to let my parents control any more of my life. I want to be free of them and of the constraints their perfectionism has placed on me. I have done well for myself, without their help and I will continue to strive. If they decide to disown me, so be it. If Nevaeh could do it, so can I. I’m going to call her when things settle down, diary, and fix this rift we have between us. I thought for a while that I was the lucky one. But these materialistic things in life truly mean nothing when you have nobody that you love to share them with. I feel like I’m constantly watching my back. I don’t even have any real friends. My family only cares about me when I’m in the news or going to be on TV so I can promote their cause. They could give not a single care in the world about anything that I’m truly passionate about. When things are settled, I am going to tell Nevaeh that she is in fact, the lucky one. I hope that she knows that now and is happy. I envy her for being strong enough to walk away, go out on her own and make something of herself. Something that she truly wanted to be. Not just a picture perfect cut out for everyone to stare at, but nobody to take seriously. At least I know that Brandon sees me. Sometimes I feel as if he can see deep down into my soul. He knows I’m not that superficial and perfect girl that everyone tries to make me out to be. I’m not that part and I’m tired of playing that role. I’m ready to just be Heaven. I refuse to let anyone stop me in my pursuit of taking back control of my own life. Brandon and I have some exciting changes coming in life and I can’t wait to go through the journey with him. I feel bad for Tate. But I know he will be okay. I hear he’s been sleeping with Amanda anyway. Another actress on set. Surprisingly, I’m fine with it. I don’t feel as bad knowing that maybe he has a chance at being happy. It seems like even before Brandon, he was getting fed up with me. He was constantly leaving early morning or staying out way late at the studio. He apparently had forgotten that I also work at the studio and know better. But it’s all going to be good now, diary. I have found my true happiness. I am going to make my life better and myself happy again. I feel giddy like a child all over again.
Lovingly,
Heaven.
My heart begins to race at my newfound information. I’m surprised that Tate hasn’t mentioned anything about the fact that she, I, had served him with divorce papers only a week before the funeral. Maybe she never went through with it? I flip through the remaining entries and find no new information. There’s mainly doodles and poems, none of which really make much sense. It’s almost nonsensical in nature. Her words all jumbled up. I lie back on the bed and let my thoughts wander. Who is this Brandon and why hasn’t he tried to get in contact with me if they were so in love? Should I take this as an out and follow through with Heaven’s plan? Not the whole running away with Brandon part, but the divorcing part. The more I think about it, the more I realize that it really isn’t fair to Tate to leave in a lie that he had no choice in. He seems to be a good guy, but maybe he never really loved her anyway? My thoughts run amuck and time elapses quickly. As soon as I hear the front door slamming, I race over to the closet and toss the diary into the abyss of designer clothes.
I hop back on the bed just in time for Tate to come around the corner. His hungry eyes take me in and I am halted, like a deer in headlights.
“You...stunning.” He murmurs.
“Thank you.” I don’t know what to do. I can’t tell him immediately about my newfound information. I’m not sure if I can even come clean to him about being Nevaeh. I bet he won’t even believe me. He’ll probably think I’m just trying to leave him and coming up with anything crazy to throw him off my trail.
I get up from the bed and pace over to the dresser. I stand in front of it, lost in my thoughts. I consider grabbing the diary and just showing him what I’ve found. Maybe that would help my case. I almost feel bad now. If he did love Heaven, this may destroy him. I don’t want to be the reason for that. But I can’t keep living this lie.
“When the fuck did you get that?” he growls and I’m suddenly confused.
“What?” I question honestly and turn around to face him.
“Don’t play stupid with me, this fucking tattoo.” Oh shit. I completely forgot about the tattoo. I had left it uncovered after my shower. I should have put a t-shirt on.
“I got it today. I’m sorry I didn’t mention it. It slipped my mind.” A small voice escapes me and it is definitely abnormal for Nevaeh, but completely normal for Heaven. I am becoming more like her than even I thought I would. I’m not sure if this is just natural or if Tate brings it out of me.
“Where?” he demands.
“At Ryk’s.” The name of the shop is his name, too. There is no way to avoid that conversation or even try to hide who did it.
“And that is?” he questions sharply. I wince at the bite of his words and the placement of his hand, which is now covering my very fresh and sore tattoo.
“It’s my old friend. The one that was in the hospital the other day. Please stop touching it. It could get infected!” I try to remain as calm as possible, but damn it hurts. He only applies more pressure and when I try to move away, he wraps his other arm around me to hold me in place.
“Good. Maybe if it gets infected, they’ll have to cut it off.” This pisses me off just bad enough to gather enough adrenaline and rip myself out of his grasp. I shove my body backwards as hard as I can, knocking the dresser into the wall. I race forward while he’s still off guard from the loud noise and run to the farthest side of the bed.
“Heaven, come here.” He points to the ground beside where he is now standing. I shake my head, now from the other side of the bed where I stand, face to face. It’s a standoff.
I suddenly feel very exposed and I don’t like it. I can’t stand here any longer in this awkwardness. The tension is so thick in this room that I can cut it with a knife. It’s practically tangible. I decide to try and walk out the door. There’s really no other exit unless I hide out in the bathroom. He’s a lot quicker than I am though and stronger. I walk past him and he quickly rushes in front of the door. He doesn’t touch me or try and stop me, just stands there to block it.
“Please let me leave. I just want to go downstairs and take a break for a minute. This is all too much drama for me. It’s just a tattoo.”
He appears to be calmer and even somewhat sad.
“It’s not the tattoo. Are you cheating on me again?” Again. So he did know that Heaven wasn’t being completely honest with him. Now I feel bad. I reach out and place a hand on his bicep.
“No. He’s just an old friend like I said. Today we said goodbye. I won’t be seeing him again, I promise.” I can’t really promise that. I don’t even know why it came out of my mouth. I can’t take it back so I leave it alone and walk out of the door once he moves. I know it is not a good time to discuss the truth. This will have to wait until tomorrow.
Chapter 12
I didn’t get any semblance of sleep. I literally sat up all night, shivering but not because I was cold. I’m not sure what this day will bring me. I’m supposed to go to the set with Tate and start filming, but I don’t even know where we stand. I do know that I can’t sit here all day. I’m hoping that maybe he’s in a calmer mood and we can actually talk without it leading to a fight. I know this will hurt him, but it’s better in the long run. He shouldn’t have to live a life with
someone he thinks loves him. I don’t and I’m pretty sure I never will. He doesn’t love me anyway. He just doesn’t know that...yet.
I make my way quietly upstairs and peer into the bedroom. Tate sits silently on the bed, wide awake. He’s rubbing the stubble that is just beginning to line his jaw. He looks like he didn’t get any sleep either. I honestly feel sorry for what transpired.
“I’m sorry...” I attempt to break the silence that stands thickly in the air.
“So am I.” He murmurs, still refusing to look me in the eye. I grab something comfortable to throw on and head into the bathroom. I take a quick shower and put it on. When I’m done and leave the bathroom, he’s still sitting in the same place.
“Can we talk?” I ask quietly. He doesn’t really look to be in the mood. He doesn’t say anything, so I try a different tactic instead. Maybe if we do go to the set, I can talk to him about everything on the ride over. He will have no choice but to listen to what I have to say since we’ll be locked in a vehicle together.
“You need to get ready, Tate. Don’t we have to go to the set?”
“I don’t know.” He responds quietly.
“What don’t you know?” I’d imagine this would be similar to having a conversation with a pouting child.
“I don’t know if I still have a job.” Shock must have been extremely evident on my face.
“What?” I’m confused, not sure if I heard him right.
“Yeah. No job. I got in a fight on set last night before coming home.” I don’t imagine him getting in a fight with anyone. I’ve seen a different side of him these last few days than what I had gotten to know of him in the last couple of months. But it was still hard to imagine him actually getting in a physical brawl with someone.
“With who?”
He gives me a dangerous scowl and my lips snap shut.
“Pretty sure you know who, wifey.” He replies sarcastically and rolls his eyes. I’m still really confused.
“No, I don’t.” That’s the honest to God truth.
“Brandon.” I can see him visibly tense and he grits his teeth.
“Oh shit...” I murmur out loud what I thought I was only saying in my head.
“Yeah, Oh shit is right.”
“I know this is hard to believe, but I really don’t even know him anymore. So whatever transpired between him and I, it’s over. Believe that.” I walk over to where he sits so upset. I may not love him the way that a wife should and honestly, I probably never will. But I do care about him as a person in the short amount of time I’ve been around him. Just before I can reach him, he makes a statement that halts me in my tracks.
“You’re damn right. I made sure of that as soon as I found it, Nev.” I’m not sure if my mind is just playing tricks on me. Maybe I misheard him. He looks up at me maniacally, a look I’ve never seen in my entire life.
“Yeah. I know.” He laughs sardonically and it scares the shit right out of me. I start to back up slowly, something is telling me I need to get the hell out of here and quick. This doesn’t even look like the same person I’ve been sleeping next to.
“You know what?” Maybe if I play stupid this will all just go away. Sadly, the only thing I can think of is how my parents are going to be pissed. Even though they haven’t had anything to do with me since I’ve been here. Haven’t even returned most of my phone calls or tried to stop over and see me.
“Stop playing games with me!” He grabs at his hair and pulls hard. He looks beyond crazy. I don’t like it at all.
“Stop! You’re scaring me!” I scream.
“Scaring you? I’m fucking scaring myself! This isn’t me...none of this is fucking me! I get whomever I want. I chose her. I fucking chose her. And she cheated on me. And then she was going to fucking leave me...” Tears start to fall incessantly down his cheeks and his blue eyes are brighter than ever. He gets quieter the more he speaks, almost as if he is convincing himself of the words that are coming out of his mouth and not actually talking to me at all. “I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean to do it. But she was going to leave. I wanted to stop her. Make her see that I did care for her. Her crazy fucking parents convinced her I didn’t. That douchebag convinced her I didn’t. She was my wife. This was our house. She put my reputation at stake. I was losing everything.” He’s rambling and I have no idea if I should step in and ask him what the hell he is talking about. Something deep down inside my soul already knows the truth though and the outcome isn’t looking very good. Tears then start to fall down my face and Heaven’s beautiful face falls inside of my mind. She was so innocent, especially as a kid. Never doing anything to step outside of the lines. Picture perfect for everyone but herself. Tears come down harder and I can hardly breathe. I fall to the floor as all of the hurt rapidly floods my mind, so painful.
“I’m sorry...I didn’t mean to. She said she was pregnant. She said it wasn’t mine. She turned to leave, I tried to grab her and she slipped. She fell down the stairs and I couldn’t grab her in time. Maybe a part of my conscious didn’t want to. That was not my fucking baby growing inside of her? I’ve spent years of my life wasted with a woman that threw me away so easily. Like I was nothing. I was always told I was everything. Then suddenly I was fucking nothing...do you know how that feels?” Now his eyes are zoomed into where I lay on the floor, struggling to catch just a little bit of air. I can’t even believe what I’m hearing. He killed her. My sister is dead because of him and he knew this whole time that I wasn’t her.
“Why!” I scream. I need to know right now why the truth wasn’t told from the very beginning. Why we couldn’t just put this all to rest and I would have my old life back without all of these messed up complications. I’m not sure if I’m angry at all the newfound information or because I was the one that really got played, not the other way around.
“I was going to tell someone, but I knew everything would fall down around me. I felt for a pulse and there was nothing. I did CPR and there was nothing. She was gone instantly. There was nothing I could do. She was dead and my life was over. So I ran from the house. I went to the only other place I feel safe, the studio. I freaked out. I did decide to go home and would call emergency services when I got there. I knew I had to turn myself in. By the time I was able to get back to the house, your parents were there. They told me that Heaven’s sister had died and that she would be staying at their house until after the funeral. I felt like I was getting a second chance.” He falls down to the floor where I am and we both lay there crying. When I am finally able to catch my breath, I speak.
“You need to tell the truth.” I don’t want to upset him because now this is my life potentially at stake. But at this point, the only thing I care about is the truth coming out and Heaven getting the restful peace that she deserves. People deserve to know what really happened. I just want to lay it all to rest and leave this town forever.
“I know...” He whispers, surprising me.
“Do you want me to go with you?” I question, surprising myself. I should hate this man. But I can’t help but feel sorry for the whole situation, which seems like a huge accident. Tate is broken. He needs help before he hurts himself or anyone else. I feel for the loss of life of Heaven and now for the loss of life of Tate. Maybe even mine if I get into trouble for impersonating someone that I’m not.
“Please?” he responds in a small voice, like that of a scared child. I nod my head and wipe away the remaining tears that still keep falling from my eyes. I stand up and offer him a hand. He takes it and pulls himself to his feet. I refuse to look back at this room, I have a hard time even descending the stairs. I can’t imagine the last thoughts that ran through my sister’s head. I just hope her death was quick and painless. The loss of her baby, too. All of these thoughts are crippling, so I force them to cease. I need to keep my head on straight and make sure he does the right thing.
“I’ll drive.” He states firmly and I don’t argue. As long as we get there, I don’t care who drives. My mind
shuts down. He grabs the keys from the wall, locks up the house and we get into his car. He heads towards the direction of town and I zone out. I don’t want to have another break down in the car. It’s getting hot in the car, so I roll down my window and peer out. Something seems off, we are suddenly in highly wooded area and I didn’t even notice.
“You took a wrong turn I think.” I look over to Tate. He appears all too calm now.
The sun hides and rain starts to pour down hard. It’s as if God is crying.
“This is a short cut, babe. Don’t worry.” Babe. Oh fuck no.
“Please get back on the main road.” I try not to appear affected, but something feels completely wrong. He doesn’t say anything, just drives faster.
“Tate...You have to go to the police station. You need to tell.”
“Heaven...shh...baby...it’s going to be okay.” He responds.
“I’m not Heaven, Tate, you know I’m Nevaeh. Remember?” I’m trying to stay calm, but I’m failing. My heart is racing a thousand miles a minute. It’s ready to beat right out of my chest. If it doesn’t just give out altogether first. He looks over at me, with love, and pulls my shaking hand into his. He starts to rub the top of my hand with his thumb, while his other is still on the wheel. My skin starts to crawl, I try to pull away gently so he doesn’t notice, but I can’t. He’s too strong.
“No, sweetheart. Nevaeh is dead. She committed suicide a couple of months ago. It’s just you and me now, baby.” I can’t stand to look at him, fearful of what I may see staring back at me. I look straight ahead instead. I do notice his reflection in the rain stained windshield. He doesn’t turn the wipers on. I see the look of peace across his face. Between the raindrops, I see reality fading away and Tate’s delusions taking over. He thinks that I am her.
“Tate...” I start to correct him, until I realize where we are. Right by the lake. I start to panic. “Please...” Is all I can get out before I realize what he’s doing. He pushes the accelerator as far down as it will go, the car quickly reacts. He’s heading right for the guard rail. I try to grab the wheel, scratch his face, kick, and push. I grab for the car door and it won’t open. It must be child proof locked or something. My window is down, I try to get out, but it’s too late. He drives through the guard rail and over the embankment, directly into the lake. The car sinks quicker than one would think. Water quickly filtering in through my open window and we’re sinking towards the bottom. I glance at him one last time and he smiles, “I love you Heaven. We will be together forever now.” I’m under and can’t breathe. Water fills my lungs and I know that this is the end. Struggling to get out has only exhausted me more and my door won’t come open. The water quickly rushing through the window forces me down further into my seat and it’s nearly impossible to swim against that current and escape. This is it.
