by K. Pinson
I see a familiar face through my clouded vision, Ryker and then all goes black and I’m gone. Heaven is for real.
Chapter 13 (Ryker's Point of View)
I can’t get Nevaeh out of my mind since she left the tattoo parlor. I could tell by the look in her eye that she still wasn’t completely sure what to make out of us. But I think if given the time and opportunity, I could convince her that we can try again and make it work this time.
Ever since the day she left, I’ve been burying myself in other females, hoping to erase her memory from my mind. But it’s never happened. She’s been my it since day one. I’m not sure if I’m still hers or if I’ve ever been. But now is as good of a time as any to make her mine. She’s vulnerable and I know it’s terrible to attempt to take her during one of her hardest moments, but I’ll take any opening I can get. I’m desperate to have her back. I’ve never felt more lonely in my life, as I do now.
It’s painful for me just knowing she is in the same town, right here under my nose and I can’t hold her like I want to. Talk to her like we used to. She was the only one who ever truly understood me. She got the fucked up shit I did to show my love and appreciation. It was never conventional with us. Lots of ups, but even more downs and our age didn’t help the matter. Hell, I was a damn punk. I’m not going to lie. I’ll admit that fact to the world if I think it’ll help my case. But I’m pretty sure it’s going to take a hell of a lot more than that to win her back.
I grab a beer and sit down on my worn couch. I look around my shitty apartment and realize that even though the business is doing awesome, I’ll still never be able to provide for her like that douchebag Tate is. The hardest part about this whole thing is not knowing this new version of Nevaeh. I can’t clearly see the finish line on what her intentions were on even playing this game, becoming her sister. I mean, I know approval of her family has to somewhat play a factor. But I can’t help but stress my mind in wondering if the money and luxurious lifestyle has something to do with it as well. If that’s the case, it won’t work out between us. Even if I give my everything to make it happen.
I get up and go into my bedroom. I pull open my top drawer, where I keep my most valuable possessions. I know, not the brightest idea in the world. But in my opinion, it’s a lot safer than a bank. I don’t trust them. I look through the contents, until my hand grazes the box that I had gone in search for. The ring I was going to give her, the one she had deserved. I worked my ass off back then to be able to afford a nice diamond. But when it came down to all of the work I was doing, then losing the baby, and her shutting down on me. I didn’t even think that this was the right path for us at the time. I fucked around because I couldn’t get her to be there for me. I couldn’t be there for her either, though. So it certainly wasn’t one sided.
I wonder if I show it to her, if it’ll change anything. I wonder if she’ll even believe my story. Considering I cheated on her when she was at her lowest, it’s probably pretty unbelievable that I was getting ready to give her my life savings in ring form right before. She deserved something better than what I had given her though. I thought that this would make amends for the quick proposal previous.
I decide that the best way for me to get down all of my feelings is to write a letter. That’s probably the best way for me not to forget anything that I need to say to her. I put the ring in my pocket and close the drawer. There’s nothing else in there I want to dredge up right now. This is about all the emotion I can handle for one day. I’m generally not an emotional type of guy. But everything changes when you get older. Especially if you’ve been through some of the loss that I’ve experienced. It’s not been easy to get through the days since then. I went through a very rough patch. It was only upon finally burying my child that I decided to man up and get my shit together. I thought I would be able to win her back then, but she was already gone. I really did try to look for her. But I had no resources and by the time I did, it had been years. A part of me regrets not going in search of her, years or not. But I probably would have just come home even more crushed than I am now.
A girl like her, she had to have something going on where ever in the world she was previous to coming back her. She’s beautiful, smart and funny. But obviously she doesn’t have anyone. You’d think if she did, that guy would have come in search for her. He wouldn’t have just let her go away that easily and not questioned anything. If he did, his loss. Hopefully it will be my gain. But only time will tell. If nothing else, I’d like to be a friend to her when this whole thing blows up. It will blow up and I wish I could protect her from the shrapnel. I know one thing for sure, I’ll be there to take care of her after. Even if she just wants someone to talk to, a friend, I’ll do whatever.
I grab a piece of scrap paper off my desk and sit down to write the letter.
Dear Nev,
I know things are extremely confusing for you right now and I’m not making it any better. I know you came in the shop the other day to say your goodbye. I thought that I could accept that. I filled in your tattoo and did as you asked, but the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach never subsided throughout the entire process. I want you to be happy and if that’s not with me, I understand. We did have our chance, as you said, and I blew it. I’m well aware of that. I’ve been living that fact for the last several years, alone.
I wish that I could take back everything that happened between us in our past. Well, actually that’s a lie. I would have never taken back the baby. Even though it ended in sadness. It made me the man I am today. I live for what that baby could have been and hopes of a future with tons of little kids running around calling me Daddy. I wanted that more than anything. I know I didn’t show it very well by losing myself in drugs and alcohol. I just didn’t know how to deal with it all. I’ve never felt a pain so deeply embedded within me. You were the second thing in my life that could possibly undo me just like that. So I drifted away. I lost myself and I lost you. I can never be sorry enough to make up for that, I know. But I promise if you give me a chance, even if it’s as a friend, I’ll spend every day trying.
When you first started talking the other night, I thought I could accept your goodbye and move on with my life. It felt like closure. But there was still a part of my brain screaming for me to try and save things while you were still there. I know I caught you off guard with all of the things I told you and the feelings I shared, but that doesn’t make them any less true. I just cannot take the thought of you not being in my life in some facet. You were both my best friend and also my lover at one point. I’ll take one or the other or both. Honestly, anything I can get. When you’ve made a decision, I won’t try and change your mind. I know that you need to do what’s best for you. Even if I feel it isn’t what’s best for me. I’ll respect your decision anyway.
You’re a great girl and any guy is going to be lucky to have you.
That being said, I honestly hope that you get yourself out of this whole Heaven situation. I still can’t piece together the exact reasons why you are doing it or why you even agreed to do it in the first place. Maybe I’m not even meant to understand. It might just be the path in life you’re supposed to take. Maybe it’s to help you realize your worth or what an amazing person that NEVAEH is. I hope that you find yourself throughout this and if nothing else, take that away. The love for yourself, I mean. Because in life, I think that is most important.
I hated myself for a long time. The decisions I was making and the people I was destroying along the way. Especially you. I blamed myself for years over the loss of our child. But in the end, when I cleaned myself up and realized that this was the only life I had to live, I began to appreciate the strength that I had throughout the experiences. Even if it was hidden at the time. It had to be underlying somewhere in there or else I never would have changed. I try to look for a positive out of a terribly negative situation. It’s never easy to do, but it’s necessary to live life to the fullest. I hope that you’re able to realize your underlyi
ng strength, despite all the bullshit threatening you to give up. I want you to realize your worth. If I had a dying wish, that would be it.
I hope that you will take this letter to heart because I’ve quite literally poured mine out along the pages. I love you Nevaeh. I loved you then. I love you now. I always will. I should have tried harder to find you, that and fucking up when you were still here will always be my biggest regrets in life. But I can’t change them. We have to keep moving forward, always. Even when awful shit happens. We have to keep pushing through because time stops for no man. I know that you realize that. Probably even better than I do.
The only thing left to say is to live, Nev, and love hard. That’s what life is all about. Those are the two most important things. Don’t let money, appearances or materialistic things blind you. You don’t need any of that to shine. Girl, you already do. You’re the brightest star in my universe.
Will love always, regardless.
Ryker
I fold the letter up and find an envelope to shove it in. Hopefully I find all the right words to say to get through to her. If not, at least I can move on knowing that I tried to do right by her and also for myself. I grab the letter and touch the ring that’s in my pocket just one last time to make sure it’s still there. It doesn’t help my nerves to subside any. But I’m going to do this anyway. I grab my car keys off the table, lock up the apartment, and head towards Heaven’s. I think that’s where Nevaeh spends most of her time, so hopefully I’ll be able to catch her there without Tate.
As I approach her house, I see her get into the passenger seat of Tate’s car and she’s distraught. I consider stopping in a driveway before her house and turning around, but something draws me to where she is. Before I can pull into their driveway, Tate speeds off away from town. I get the urge to follow them. I shouldn’t, but I do anyway. A feeling inside of me is telling me that something is wrong. I try to stay back far enough so that Tate doesn’t notice me, but still close enough to see which road he takes. As he drives deeper into the woods, I wonder what exactly is going on. He doesn’t look like much of an outdoorsy type of person. I’m going well over the speed limit, so I know that Tate is speeding excessively. He takes several turns all too sharp and I start to fear the worst. It isn’t until we reach the bridge that I become aware of what he may be planning. I don’t know why my thoughts drift to such morbid things, but it’s nothing I can help. It’s almost as if I am in tune with how she’s feeling. My heart rate increases and my thoughts go into overdrive.
When I see him accelerate and slam over the bridge, my heart nearly stops. I waste no time before throwing my car in park. I strip down to my boxers and climb down the embankment as fast as I can. I slip several times in the process. Their car is already well under water by the time I’m able to dive in. The water is chilling to my bones but it doesn’t rival the way that I’m already feeling. I’m numb.
By the time I reach the car and am able to free her, I see her eyes close and am more determined than ever to get her to the surface. I don’t know how much time has elapsed before I’m able to get her to dry land. The current is strong and is constantly trying to pull me under. Adrenaline is racing throughout my body and I make a quick decision to try to save Tate as well. It’s probably too late for him, but at least I can try. I’m not sure that he deserves to be saved, but I’m not comfortable making that decision.
An older gentleman grabs her from my arms. I take no time to say thanks before diving under to save Tate. I swim as fast as I can. I appear to have more energy than ever. By the time I reach Tate, it looks like the end is near. He isn’t conscious and car is sinking faster. I put my leg against the side of the car and pry his door open using all of my strength. I feel a snap in my right leg but I try not to think about it. I grab his arms and attempt to pull him out. His seatbelt is fastened and I have to swim into the car to undo it. In doing this I realize that I’m more impaired than I thought. I can hardly kick my leg to swim. I know that I can’t carry all of his weight back to the surface. I nudge him one last time in hopes that he will wake up. He doesn’t budge. I’m pretty positive he is already gone. I have no other choice but to leave him behind and try to save myself. I push off the car using my good leg to try to gain momentum. I swim frantically with my good leg and both arms. All of the energy I thought that I had has been exerted and I feel exhausted. As much as I want to give up, I think of Nevaeh and continue to fight. I’m almost to the top now and I can see a pair of hands lunging into the water to try to pull me out. That’s the last thing I remember before everything goes black.
Chapter 14 (Nevaeh’s POV)
When I come to, I’m on hard ground. I roll over and cough out as much of the water that resides in my lungs. I feel a hand patting my back and I cringe, trying to crawl away.
“It’s okay, Miss. I’m sorry, I didn’t know what else to do. I’ve already called the ambulance. They are on their way.” I look up to the where the female voice is coming from. I do not recognize her, but I throw myself into her arms with all of the energy that I have left. I break down right there in the middle of the road. I’m safe. Thank you God, I’m alive.
When the initial shock is over and I hear the sirens screaming, getting closer to where I am, my mind goes into shock. Did I see Ryker?
“Ma’am, was I alone? Did you save me?” The stranger looks somber. She has one of those kind faces, one that you can read easily. I know there’s something seriously wrong.
“I’m sorry, Miss. This is all awful. I don’t even know what to say.”
“But you pulled me from the water?” I question again. I don’t know why I’m putting myself through this. I can already feel the loss, like I’m missing a piece of me.
“No. A young man did. He pushed your body up on to the embankment. My husband and I heard a loud boom and screams. We came running from where we were hiking right over there.” She points to a far off distance, but my eyes never leave hers. Maybe if I continue to stare at her, refusing to partake in reality, this will all fade away; a mirage. “I can’t swim. I’m so sorry. He went back under. He begged my husband to grab you and get help, to leave him. My husband tried to get you both. He wasn’t strong enough. He started to slip into the water as well.” She’s crying now and I’m numb. I pull my knees up against my chest and bury my head. My chest feels like it’s on fire. I’ve never felt such intense pain. She allows me to pull easily away from her. I think sometimes a person can just tell when space is needed.
My heart breaks under all of this pressure. I lie back on to the hard ground and wish the waves would crash over and take me with them. I’m not so sure how long I lay. I turn everything off. I feel hands start to evaluate me, I hear voices call to me, I can’t move. I can’t respond. I just want to be left here. Before I know it, I’m being picked up and strapped on to some kind of board used to carry me back up to the road. They tuck me safely into the back of the waiting ambulance.
“You’re going to be okay, Ma’am. Help has arrived.” A paramedic tries to reassure me, placing a gentle hand on my shaking arm. My whole body is going into fits now.
“I’ll never be okay again.”
“I once felt like that. Hell, sometimes I still do.” I look up into this strangers eyes and can see the evident hurt lying behind them. I want to look away. I don’t want to hear about someone else’s struggles when I’m knee deep in my own. A cut so fresh, I haven’t even began to bandage it yet. But something compels me to listen. “My wife was taken from me, about a year and a half ago now, during the birth of our little one, Maisie.” Inwardly I gasp, outwardly I don’t make a single solitary sound. “I hated life then. I could hardly get out of bed to take care of my daughter. My wife would have resented me for that. So I pushed on, regardless, and here I am. Saving lives and there is nothing more reassuring. I don’t always win. Sometimes a life is lost and I feel responsible. But overall, life is better. I make my daughter happy and I’m happy. You will be again, too. It may not be eas
y. You’ll have to work for it every single day. But it will be worth it in the end. I bet that’s what he’d want to.” Tears wash down my face. I know that’s what he would want. But it’s so soon to hear. I still feel like this is all a dream or more like a nightmare. I reach out and give his hand a squeeze. I’ll be praying for his family. If I make it that far.
“Your daughter is lucky to have a father like you.” He nods his head and a single tear cascades down his cheek. It’s moments like these that give me just the slightest bit of hope in a desperate situation.
When we pull up at the hospital, I’m brought down on the stretcher and wheeled inside. I’m shivering now. Hospitals are not my favorite place in the world to be. They leave a bad taste in my mouth, always have. I’m placed in a room after twenty minutes of waiting and have a full evaluation by the doctor. He says I’m in good working order, hooks me up to an IV to help hydrate me and gives me some nerve medication hoping to calm me down a bit.
