by K. Pinson
I try to sleep, but it refuses to come. Which is odd because I generally pass right out when given any type of medication. I don’t do too well on them. I try to distract the impending terrible thoughts from breaking entry into the forefront of my mind and focus on the mindless soap opera droning on the television in front of me. It’s not really helping. Luckily the nurses continuously come in to poke and prod me. It appears I’m all good, but they are going to keep me overnight for observation. It makes me happy because honestly, I don’t have anywhere else to go. I can’t walk back into the house where my sister was murdered. I’m still on the fence if it was even an accident at all.
When the doctor comes in, I find the courage to ask him questions that I’m not sure I want the answers to.
“Did anyone else make it that was involved in the accident that I was in today?”
The doctor looks unsure about if he should answer me or not. He bites the tip of his pen nervously and ponders how to word what he is about to say.
“I’m sorry, ma’am, but the male gentleman in the vehicle did not make it. It is believed that he died shortly after impact. We have already notified the rest of your family.”
I don’t know how exactly to ask about Ryker. I’m not even sure if he was there or if I was hallucinating.
“Was there anybody else at the scene of the accident? The older woman mentioned that a young man saved me but didn’t come back up the second time. What happened to him?”
“Yes, there was a man that was transported in by ambulance shortly after you. He’s in the ICU right now.”
“What was his name?” I know that the doctor isn’t supposed to give me any information like that due to the HIPPA laws, but I’m hoping my sad face may just persuade him.
“Ma’am...I can’t tell you that. I’m only allowed to give out patient information to family or people that were placed on his emergency contact list here with the hospital.”
My heart begins to pound loudly and I’m hoping that the idea that just popped into my mind works.
“Can you check to see if there is a Nevaeh Daniels on the list?” I ask.
“Sure I can, Miss. Is that a sibling of yours?”
“Actually...she’s me.” It takes me over an hour to explain the whole sordid story to the doctor. I agree to do anything to prove that I’m telling the truth. He has prints from when we were first born, as we were delivered right here in this hospital. I allow him to take my prints and he follows up with the on location police officer that is in the hospital. It is determined that I am exactly who I say I am. I am scared that I may get into trouble, but I need to know if that’s Ryker. I’ve tried to call his cell phone several times with no luck. It goes to voice mail every time. The same thing happens when I try to call my parents.
After everything is sorted out, the doctor goes in search to get the information I desire. He comes back about a half hour later with a folder in hand.
“Miss Daniels, Ryker Owens is the name of the young man who saved your life. He does, in fact, have you listed on his emergency contacts as fiancée.” I am relieved that he has me listed, so that I can at least get his information. But I’m saddened that it is him that I saw right before I blacked out. I was hoping that it was just a hallucination and he isn’t here at all.
“What’s his condition?” I’m almost afraid to hear the doctors answer. I’m relieved that the woman was wrong about him not resurfacing, so at least that’s a start. But the ICU doesn’t sound very promising.
“He’s in critical condition, Ma’am. We don’t know exactly what we’re dealing with as Mr. Owens has taken in a lot of water and has swelling on the brain. He also suffers from a pretty bad break to his leg. He is unconscious due to pain medications at the moment. In the morning, as long as he’s stable, we will allow you to come see him.” I can tell that the doctor is antsy to leave the room. He probably has numerous other patients to attend to, but has taken tons of time out to help me.
“Thank you for your time, doctor.” I attempt to smile, but I’m beyond disheartened. He nods his head and walks out of the room briskly.
The next day, right before I am released, my parents show up. The hospital must have finally got a hold of them because I was never able to. I’m anxious to get released because I’d really like to go check on Ryker’s condition. I don’t really want to see my parents; not now.
“What are you doing here?” I respond angrily. I should probably be nicer, considering they are the only ones here for me. As much as I’d like to cry on their shoulder, I refuse to do that.
“I’m so sorry, honey.” My mother sobs and lunges towards me. She wraps me in her arms and as much as I hate it, it feels right. My mother hasn’t held me since I was a small child. “I didn’t know...I swear I didn’t know.” She’s barely coherent. My father sits silently in the background. He’s always been a stoic man, but this is taking it to a whole other level. I can tell he’s contemplating stepping forward or saying something comforting. But nothing he says, or anyone else for that matter, is going to help. I’m honestly relieved that he doesn’t. Because it just wouldn’t be him if he did. Right now, I just need normal. My mother acting out of sorts is enough crazy for one day.
“Nobody knew.” And that’s the truth. Tate had the whole world fooled. His actor persona certainly didn’t match the one he had at home. The man was severely ill. It’s a shame nobody saw it before it was too late. My mother hugs me tight against her chest and her breathing begins to slow. I can feel her heartbeat calm.
When I think she’s finally okay, I relax my hold and let her go. She looks into my eyes and I can for the first time in my life see sincerity looking back.
“Thank you for coming.” I’m not sure how to handle the formalities of how I’m feeling. This is the best that I can do. I’m glad at least someone is here. I’m not sure how much my parents actually know of the crash or how they even found out at all.
I want to hate them for not standing by me throughout this whole ordeal. I want to loathe them for not realizing that sure I did some of this for myself, but mostly I did it for them. I want them to see that it is okay to love me for who I am. That I am strong enough. That I am still their daughter. I think, Mother at least, may be starting to come around. I haven’t decided if it’s too little, too late or not. Right now, I don’t care to. I just want to see Ryker. My parents will still be here. He may not.
As soon as the nurse comes to sign me out, I’m jumping out of bed and getting dressed. Mother was kind enough to bring me the original bag that I had brought with me. When I put on my own clothes, for the first time in what feels like forever, I feel safe. I feel almost whole again. I sign all the proper paperwork and thank all of the nurses and the Doctor for helping me out during my stay. I don’t have any health concerns to worry about due to the accident and for that I am extremely lucky. I was saved and I’ll never forget that.
I walk up to the registration desk and ask for the information regarding where Ryker is. My parents decide it would be best to wait in the car for me. I don’t disagree. When the secretary gives me the information, I practically sprint to the elevators. I find myself on the fourth floor. I am asked to wash up before coming inside. I do as I’m told. Nothing will stop me from seeing Ryker today.
When I walk into his room, there is nobody there. I feel like shit for that. He shouldn’t be alone. I’m shocked by how many machines he is hooked up to. He isn’t conscious and he looks half alive. Most of the color has drained out of his already pale skin. He looks almost gray. I don’t like it at all. I walk over to where he is and pull up a chair. I take his hand in mine and bring it to my lips. I place them gently on top, careful to not disturb the tubes coming out of them. I can’t help but cry.
“Thank you, Ryk. You need to make it through this, though. Please?” I beg. I’m not really sure to whom I’m directing these words. I’m hoping maybe he can hear me and it’ll help to bring him through. I am still confused about my feelings towards him. There’s a
part of me that will always love him, but I’m no longer in love with him. I fell out a long time ago. That’s not to say it can’t be rekindled. I’m just not sure if that’s going to be the best thing for both of us. Regardless, I need him in my life. I need him to have a life.
“You have so much to live for. You’ve done so well for yourself. You did it, Ryk. All on your own. I always had faith in you that you would. I know that I ran away, Ryk. I was young and extremely hurt. I know you were, too. I forgive you. You hear me? I forgive you. I hope that as soon as you get out of here, you’ll forgive me too. I hope that we can move forward and forget about the negative things that happened in our past. I am determined to take this whole ordeal as a lesson. Like you once told me, it’s okay to be me. I am pretty amazing. I didn’t think so before. But you’ve taught me to love myself. I’ll always be thankful to you for that.” The tears are steadily coming down now and I couldn’t stop them if I tried. I never expected to be back in this situation again. Loss of a loved one is not something that I handle well. I’m sure that nobody does. I’m trying to keep a brave face, but it’s hard.
I know that my parents are outside waiting. I really should go with them and at least go home and clean up. It’s devastating for me to have to leave his side. The doctor said he is stable for now and they are keeping an eye on him, running more tests. They’re not sure at what level his brain is functioning at. They told me that if he comes to, he may never be the same again. That I can relate to because although I have full brain function, I’ll never be the same again after all this. It’s another battle scar to learn from. I kiss his head and squeeze his hand one last time.
“I love you Ryker. I will see you later and your eyes better be open this time! You’re the Edward to my Bella.” I know it’s cheesy, but that’s what we used to call each other. I can’t help but remind him in hope that it sparks some interest inside of him and makes him fight. We don’t have the same love that they do anymore. We certainly did have the same tragic love story thing going on for a while, though. No matter how it turns out between us, I’m okay with. As long as he comes to.
Chapter 15
I spend the next couple of weeks coming to the hospital every single day. I talk to Ryker, tell him stories, remind him of memories and even sometimes sing. Even though I know I’m dreadful at it. It’s never been my forte’. The nurses have become accustomed to me staying most of the day, so they always leave a chair right by his bed for me. He doesn’t have any other family to visit him. His friends, most of them I’ve never met, come up and bring gifts. They pray over him and cry. Then they leave and most of them don’t come back.
I’m the only one that continuously comes every single day. I am more determined than ever that we will be great friends when he wakes up from this. It’s hard for me to pull myself out of this intense darkness that constantly surrounds me. I know I need to be strong, though. So I do just that. Not for me, but for him. The doctor tells me his condition hasn’t really changed. He has come off of the ventilator, which is a really good sign. They still aren’t picking up normal brain waves. It’s hard for them to tell if that will change. It could just be product of the coma that he is now under. They try to keep a happy face on for me, but I see right through it. They are just waiting by idly for him to die. There’s not much more they can do. It’s all up to him now. He either fights or he’s gone.
I’m sitting next to his bedside, just like I do every day and reading him a story from one of his favorite tattoo magazines. He loves to follow other tattoo artists. I think he really gets inspiration from their stories. While I’m reading it and holding his hand, I faintly feel him squeeze and I sit completely still for a minute, thinking that maybe I’m finally losing my mind. I’m elated when I feel him lightly squeeze again. I look up into his face and see his eyes flutter. I press the call button next to his bedside, but refuse to leave him.
“Come on, Ryk. Let me see those eyes! You’ve got this. Just open up your eyes.” Before I know it, his eyes are slowly opening. He’s looking right at me. His mouth is so dry. I grab the water that sits on the end table for my use and pour some into a small cup. I bring it up to his lips but he isn’t able to open his mouth. I pour some lightly on his lips, hoping to wet them enough to where maybe he can talk without being in pain. His eyes dart all around the room rapidly. The nurses come into the room and the smiles on their faces grow. It’s like they can’t believe that he has come to. Neither can I, but I never gave up hope.
“It’s a miracle.” One of them whispers. The doctor comes in and begins to check Ryker out. He doesn’t say much as he does his evaluation. He tries to get Ryker to answer questions, but still he sits in silence. He doesn’t even attempt to move his mouth. My heart is starting to race. The doctor can tell I’m uncomfortable with all of the analyzing that he is doing to Ryker and asks me to wait in the hallway for just a moment while he finishes his evaluation. I do what he says because I don’t want to overwhelm Ryker. I’m feeling quite emotional about the whole ordeal.
I wait right outside of his door. I’m biting my fingernails to the quick and praying that everything is okay when the alarms suddenly go off and a code blue is called over the loud speaker. I look around in hysteria, I’m not sure which direction it’s coming from. It’s so loud. It isn’t until several nurses all run into Ryker’s room at the same time that I realize it was called for him. I rush into the room behind them even though I shouldn’t. I see them attempting to hold him down on the bed, as his eyes are rolled back in his head. Blood is pouring profusely out of his mouth. The heart monitor is going crazy.
“DO SOMETHING!” I shout to everyone in the room. I don’t even know what more I expect from them to do. They’re surrounding him. The Doctor has the paddles and screams clear, everyone moves back and he places them on his chest attempting to jump start his heart. His attempts are not working. The screen is still flat lining and his body is flailing around. I find myself absolutely freaking out. I grab onto my hair and pull as hard as possible. I’m crying hysterically and I don’t know what to do. It doesn’t take too long of my freak out before a security guard comes in and escorts me back into the hallway. He wants me to go wait in the area designated, but no fucking way is that happening. He doesn’t push the issue as long as I stay out of the way of all of the nurses and doctors that are racing in and out.
I’m not sure how much time elapses, but finally the doctor elapses. He looks exhausted and absolutely drained. I feel the way he looks. He looks me in the eyes and I can see exactly what I don’t want to hear laying behind them. He nods his head sideways and I crumble to my knees.
“I’m sorry. There was nothing we could do. Mr. Owens suffered from a brain injury from loss of oxygen. I’m pretty sure it resulted in an aneurysm. We tried everything.” He places a hand gently on my shoulder. It doesn’t comfort me. There’s nothing more I want to do but get up and break things.
“We’re going to have him cleaned up and you can go in and say your final goodbye before the coroner comes to collect the body. Again, I’m so sorry for your loss.” The Doctor leaves me. I try to calm down my ragged breaths, but nothing seems to help. I get up from the floor and decide to go outside and get some air. It’s not doing me any good waiting around in here anyway. I call my mother. There’s nobody else I can think to contact. She comes up to the hospital in an attempt to comfort me. She and I both know that it’s impossible. I thank her anyway for coming. After reaching the numb stage, I decide I’m calm enough to go back inside and say goodbye.
When I step inside, my legs nearly buckle again underneath me again. To see him like that nearly kills me. My heart is dead. I’m not sure that it’s even beating any longer. I walk over to where his body is. It looks more normal than what it did because he is no longer attached to any machines. There is complete silence in the room and it’s deafening. It speaks volumes. I step closer and reach out my hand unsteadily. I’m shaking like a leaf and can hardly control my motions. I grasp hi
s hand in mine and am instantly upset by how cold he is. I just want to crawl up on the bed and warm him up. Nobody should feel this cold.
“I’m sorry, Ryker.” I know he can’t hear me, but it helps to be able to speak to him out loud. “I wish that I could have done more. Apparently, there was nothing that anyone could do. It shouldn’t have been you. You’ve saved me and it hasn’t been the first time. You saved me long ago from a family that didn’t want me. You gave me a glimpse of a potentially good future and I’ll never be able to repay you for that. I’m sorry that I couldn’t see all of that while you were still here with me. I’m sorry that I couldn’t thank you then.”
I have no more tears left to cry, even though I feel as if I need to. I can’t fathom that I’m saying goodbye to him. I never expected to be in this position with a loved one again. Both at the hands of Tate, ultimately. It’s hard for me to feel as sad as I did about his death. I know that’s wrong of me. But I honestly think one was enough. He was taken. Ryker should still be here. He died attempting to save someone that really didn’t deserve it. That just goes to show what a good person Ryker was. Despite what everyone thought of him.
“Goodbye, Ryk.” I whisper. It’s like I want to say so much, but no words will come. I’m suddenly at a loss. I squeeze his hand one last time. I lean over to kiss the top of his head. I feel his body press to mine and I wish that he was able to hug me back. That’s a feeling rivaled by most. He always gave the most comforting hugs.
“I’ll love you always.” I whisper to nobody and walk out of the room without looking back. I can only take so much. I know it’s selfish of me to say that. It’s the truth, though. I know in my heart that Ryker wouldn’t want me to break down more than I’ve already done. Just another great example of how much he cared about everyone more than himself. I wish that other people would have been able to see the person that he truly was, deep down inside. In constellation, I will have to just tell them. It’s really not the same, but it’s the best that I can do. I will make sure to tell anyone that will listen. I will think of good memories with him and try to retain only positive thoughts from here on out. Well, after tonight.
