by K. Pinson
Tonight, I just want to crawl into bed and cry. I leave his room knowing that he died, but it wasn’t in vain. He saved my life and for that I am eternally grateful. I leave his room knowing that he is one of the greatest human beings I’ve ever had a chance to meet. I leave his room knowing that I’ll never forget him or the love I hold for him. He is now with our baby.
Chapter 16
I stay at my parents for the next couple of months. It’s rough for me to even get out of bed. The loss of Ryker hits me harder than most of the things that have happened in my life. I’m glad that the whole charade is over, but I wish that he was here to celebrate that with me. He was my biggest cheerleader throughout. Detectives come by several times for more questions and even question my parents. They let me know that I won’t be in any trouble. I’m elated to hear that because I honestly thought I’d be locked up in the slammer for the rest of my days for a stunt like that. The detectives seem to be more irritated with my parents than anything else. They feel for me, like most, sorry. I don’t want it or need it. I’m finally feeling content with things. I remind myself on a daily basis that I am unable to control life. It is in charge. I am in the driver seat, but sometimes accidents happen.
The news of everything is all over every media outlet you can possibly think of. Camera crews are hanging outside of the doors at all hours of the day and night, wanting a statement. I have nothing left to give to them or anyone else. I’ve told the story enough times that I never want to hear it again. I just want to forget it and move on. I only wish that Heaven and Ryker could have the same luxury. I wish that their life had not been lost. Well, and Tate. I wish I could have saved him while there was still something left to save. But he was too far gone by the time I had realized the truth. I should have ran with my first instincts after reading the diary entry by Heaven. It’s hard for me to trust even myself at times though. After being discouraged for so many years, you start to believe all of the things that are said about you to be truth. It’s only now that I’m finally realizing all that I have to offer to this world.
I spend all the time at my parents holed up in my old bedroom. I don’t dare to go outside until the buzz dies down and it’s safe. My parents buy me a drum set to help pass the time. I think they feel a bit guilty after everything. I am grateful for the gesture. It means a lot to me that they are finally acknowledging me as an individual and the fact that I have talents of my own. I spend nearly the entire day, every day playing. I play old songs and new ones that I’ve heard on the radio. It only makes me miss my band. I wonder if they are seeing all of this bullshit on TV about me. I doubt it though. They never really did pay attention to all of the media crap, it wasn’t their style. I think about Jamison often, I miss him. I wish I could tell him all of the craziness that’s went on. He’d be here for me. That I know for sure.
I’m fortunate that it doesn’t take too long before some other celebrity does something crazy and the attention completely focuses on them. Finally giving me my freedom after far too long inside this house. I’m ready to get the hell out of here. I haven’t grown magically close to my parents and our relationship hasn’t gotten much better. But just like everything else, I think it has finally come full circle. They aren’t going to change who they are and I’m now at the point, where I’m never going to try and change who I am again. This is me. Like it or get lost.
The detectives give me the go ahead to leave town. Their investigation is closed. Tate’s family has been informed about everything and all of Tate and Heaven’s belongings will be auctioned off and donated to charity, including their house. My parents attempted to fight that a little bit, but in the end they agreed it was for the best. I mean, they didn’t need the stuff anyway or the money. They had money. It was their prides always getting in the way and I don’t think those could ever grow big enough for the two of them.
I say my goodbyes to my parents and wish my father the best on the election. The polls are down now and he is probably going to lose. But just like the father I have grown to know as a child, he will never accept the defeat. If nothing else, he did instill that good quality in me. He is smart, so I know he will be okay. He will try a different tactic to gain votes back and maybe he’ll even win. Maybe someday we will be able to sit down and talk over everything that had happened, but not anytime soon. I’ve been here for long enough already and now it’s time I be on my way. I’m finally okay to fly free, as Nevaeh.
As I am getting ready to leave, Mother comes into my room to give me money and wish me well. She also hands me an envelope and what appears to be a small ring box. She doesn’t say a word, just leaves the room. On the front of the envelope my name is scrawled in a barely legible print. I don’t recognize it as my mother’s or even my father’s. This has me extremely curious to open it. I sit down on my bed and reach my finger underneath the flap to rip it open. I unfold the page and open it up. I begin to read the letter and can’t hold back the tears. It’s to me from Ryker. It must have been on him at the accident. How my mother got it, I’m not sure. I don’t really care. I’m just glad to have it in my position now. After reading the letter through, I open the box. The most beautiful diamond ring sits pretty on the inside. It’s perfect and just my size. I pull it out and place it on my finger, but not the one that it was probably meant for. I just can’t do that. I fold the tear stained letter back up and place it in its envelope. I pack the ring box in my bag, as well as the letter.
I leave their house with just the clothes that I originally brought with me. It brought me back to when I had left the first time, just a scared and broken teenager with nothing to her name. I made it that time and I’m sure that I’ll make it this time.
I leave all of the fear and rejection I hold in my mind behind in the house that I grew up in. Before I leave town completely, I make my way to the cemetery to visit both Heaven, my baby and now Ryker. The cab driver waits patiently for me and tells me to take my time. I’m assuming he has saw the news report about me. He doesn’t ask though so I don’t tell.
I make my way over to where Heaven is buried first. I look up to the sky, hoping to feel her presence, hoping that she is finally at peace and happy up there. Holding her would have been baby in her arms. She would have made a great mother, just like I think I would have. Twins in life, twins in death.
There is a man kneeling at her grave and placing flowers gently down. They are red roses, full in bloom and they are beautiful. It seems an odd thing, to set red roses at someone’s grave. I don’t know him, but I can take a wild guess to who he is before even introducing myself. He appears to be tall, but I can’t get a good grasp on that because of his position. He has dark hair, trimmed close to the scalp in almost a military hairstyle. He is ruggedly handsome and impeccably sad. I know immediately that this must be Brandon. I walk a little closer and clear my throat, so that he has time to dry his tears if he wants before I walk up on him. He doesn’t though. He lets his sadness be known like that of a Scarlett letter. He wears it proudly. Like he knows that it won’t ever go away, it is just a part of him and now he must own it. When he looks at me, he does a double take and his mouth flies open.
“You really do look identical.” I laugh to lighten the mood.
“Yeah, I guess there is something to be said about that whole identical twins term.” He laughs lightly. His voice is calming, but strong. I imagine he made my sister feel safe. I even make it a point to imagine he made her feel loved. I only wish that she would have gotten to live her life out with her one.
I sit beside where he kneels, not worried about the dirt staining my jeans. I can’t stay long and that I know, but I at least want to talk with the man briefly that my sister loved hard enough to throw everything she worked her entire life for, away.
“You must be Brandon.” He nods his head uneasily.
“How’d you know?” he asks gently.
“I read a few excerpts of Heaven’s diary. She kept a journal hidden in the back of her closet.”
His face flames red and I quickly reassure him that nothing too private had been said. At least nothing that I had read. He seems glad by my revelation.
“I miss her.” He cries lightly, still remaining solid.
“So do I.” I cry too.
“I only wish that I would have had more time with her. I don’t want to tell you my whole life story, but I’ll just say, I’ve never felt a love like that. She was it for me. I would have picked up the world and dropped it on any one’s head that tried to step in our way. I wish I could have saved her. She was going to tell him that night, about us and the baby. I offered to be there. I wanted to be there. But she said she could handle it on her own and I believed her. She was strong, fierce even. She was everything and now there’s nothing.” His voice cracked. I knew exactly how he felt. The day I lost the baby, I felt the exact same way. But there is healing and I only wish I could explain to him that it takes time, but it will be okay. Even if it doesn’t seem like it ever will be.
“I wish the same thing. Unfortunately, we can’t go back in time. She’d want you to keep moving forward with your life. I know that for sure.” Heaven had always been such a kind hearted person. As a child, she picked up all kinds of stray animals and made cookies with our chef to pass out to the neighbors during Christmas time. She was truly a beautiful soul and her light was extinguished far too soon.
“Thank you.” He smiles at me through his tears and I nod. Nothing else left to be said. The wind suddenly kicks up and I laugh. I feel like she was behind it and Brandon looks to me knowingly. I’m sure he thinks the same thing. I subconsciously reach into my bag and grab Heaven’s diary out. A selfish part of me wants to keep it. To have a piece of my sister to remind myself that I have a good life as myself. Even the people that appear the most perfect have demons that they can’t always face. You never know what someone is facing, so be kind always. I place my hands on the diary, one last time, before pulling it out and handing it to Brandon. He looks up at me and starts to shake his head no. I don’t let him turn this down. He needs it more than I do. He’s going to need the closure. To be able to move on from the loss of the love of his life and unborn child certainly isn’t going to be an easy task. Honestly, it may destroy him. I hope this will help, if only a little bit. I hand it over. I stand up and wave goodbye.
“I hope things get better soon.” I think they will, he just has to give life a fair chance to make it right. I firmly believe that there is beauty in the breaking. Often times, we just can’t see it until it is too late and we are too far gone. I am happy to say that I have caught myself just in time through this tragedy and life is truly beautiful, even when it is sad. I walk away, knowing that if only for a short time, Heaven had someone that loved her for the real person that she was and not for what she had to offer them. I walk away, knowing that she had loved them just as much and for that I am happy for her. That is the memory that I choose to take with me after this. That is the Heaven that I want to remember. I know deep down that is what she would want.
I make my way quickly up the hill where my baby and Ryker lay to rest. I place my hand across their headstones and promise to be back. I whisper to Ryker to take care of my baby. I whisper my I love yous and they blow away with the wind. I’m happy they are all together now, where ever that may be. I don’t spend a whole lot of time there, as I know the cab driver is waiting, but it’s just long enough to feel secure with leaving. I’ll be back when the time is right. I don’t feel like I have to come here to talk to them anyway. I now feel secure in the fact that they are with me where ever I go. I will carry them with me.
The cab driver takes me to the bus station and I decide to go back to the only place I’ve ever truly felt at home. I’m thankful that my parents gave me money to help me survive on until I can find a job. I refused to take more than just enough to live. I don’t want to ever rely on them or anyone for that matter. I have strength within myself. The only person I truly need is me.
When I get back in town, I check into a local hotel and immediately set to work finding a job. I apply at every place I can think of when I finally get lucky and they hire me on the spot. It’s at a pretty popular bar, the band used to play there a lot. I know that the waitresses make decent tips so I’m pretty geeked up about the job, at least until I can find something better. I’m thinking that I want to try and get my diploma, go back to school and make something more of myself. I love to drum, but it’s not going to take me to where I need to be.
I’ll never completely give it up, I’ll always do it for fun. Jamison was footing the bill for most of the things I required and he paid me well over what the band actually made gigging. I know that for a fact. I don’t ever want to put myself in a predicament like that to allow someone else to take care of me. It’s not fair to them and it’s not fair to me when it all comes crashing down. But at that point I’d only have myself to blame so I couldn’t even complain.
My days are getting easier to complete. I of course miss Ryker and sometimes think about our past. I wish he would have had a future, whether I was in it or not. I know that the feelings were still there between us, but it’s hard to pin point them as a romance type of relationship or more of a friendship with a long sordid history. Doesn’t really matter now either way. He doesn’t get to go on in life and be something big, like I knew he would be. It kills me each and every time I think about it. But I know he would want me to go on and live my life like he can’t. That’s exactly what I intend on doing. Even if my depression is threatening the life right out of me. It’s something I’ve faced on and off throughout my life. I’ve become pretty equipped to deal with it.
I’ve tried to resist from watching any television or reading the news. I get the occasional person come up to me and ask me about the whole situation. I do my best to avoid the questions and instead give quick uncomplicated answers. I don’t want anymore of my life to be invested in the mess that I found myself in a year ago. I can’t say that it was all for naught, as I did learn several valuable lessons. The main one being that life is so short, it stops for no one. I don’t know if I have a tomorrow, it is never guaranteed, so I need to live each day like it’s my last.
I make a valid attempt to stop thinking about things that I have no control over. As much as I’d like to change the way that history happened, as I’m certain most people do, I’m not a fool. I know that everything happens for a reason, even if I’ll never be able to understand what that reason was. I think that we aren’t always meant to understand. If we did, we would be robots. There would be no sadness which would then result in no happiness. There is always beauty in the breaking because something better lies just over the horizon.
I get ready for work, no different than any other day. The bar has become my solace. I have become instant friends with most of the regular patrons as well as the staff. They are my second family. After I look presentable, I head to the bar and start my shift. I’m making really great money. I think soon enough, I’ll have enough saved to get back in school. I’m thinking I want to go into social work or something of the sort. I’m not one hundred percent sure yet. That’s the beauty of a clean slate. I can be whomever I want to be now. I will be accepted and if I’m not, well fuck them. I love me.
Chapter 17
When I arrive at the bar, I have a hell of a time making it through the doors. The bouncer spots me right away and helps to usher me safely inside. There is a massive crowd waiting outside to get in. It’s going to be a busy night. I’m not sad about it, more tips for me. I make way behind the bar and talk with one of the veteran bar tenders, Tracey Kruger. We’ve gotten pretty close since I’ve started working here. She’s a single mom of an adorable little boy Michael. I can honestly say that I love them both. I babysit him from time to time to help her out when I’m off and she has to work. She doesn’t really have anyone and it reminds me of when I first came here. Except she does have a place to call her own and a bed to sleep on. I’m thankful for that.
; “Hey, girl, what’s with the crowd?” I grab a rag and start cleaning down the bar top. We’re getting ready to open any minute. The bar usually closes down for a couple hours between the lunch and dinner shifts to give everyone ample time to get ready.
“Some band’s coming to play. I’ve personally never heard of them. But from what I could Google search, they are getting pretty huge. The lead singer is fine.”
“Oh yeah? Well that’s kind of exciting. What’s the name of the band?” I probably had never heard of them, but it was worth a try. I really hadn’t been listening to any mainstream music and definitely trying to stray away from television and magazines since arriving back in the city. I was over the whole scandal and I didn’t want to know if it ever resurfaced. For me, I’ve had my closure.
“N.I.M.H, I’m not really sure what it means.” She pops a piece of gum and turns around to continue her assault on cleaning the glasses.
I shrug my shoulders. Never heard of them. I get back to work making sure the bar looks good and organizing all the alcohol in its proper place so that’s easier to mix drinks in a timely manner. When the bar gets really crowded, it seems like we, the bartenders, are the only ones to notice. Most of the rude ass people getting a drink don’t realize it and get angry having to wait in a line. I’m not a super human. I wish I was.
“My sister, Kristyn, is going to come in to help tonight. I knew the place was going to be packed so I called in for reinforcements. It royally sucks that we’re unable to keep regular bartenders in here. The pay is great and so is the environment. But, eh, at least we have each other.” She smiles and I can’t help but grin back. I’m really blessed with the friend that I’ve found in her. She’s really helped me to deal with some of the emotional trauma I’ve been battling through since coming back. I’m excited to meet her little sister, Kristyn. If she looks anything like Tracey, she must be a knock out.
