Heartbreak Trail

by Shirley Kennedy

  Back at their wagon, Martha, pale and wide-eyed, pushed the canvas aside and stuck her head out. “Are they gone?” Her voice trembled.

  Poor Martha. “Yes, they’re gone.”

  “I wasn’t very brave, I’m afraid.”

  “Who cares? You’re not supposed to be brave. They’re gone now, and that’s all that matters.”

  Henry held a crying Noah in his arms, trying to console the child. “Glad you’re here. The boy won’t stop crying.”

  “Oh, dear, he must be terrified.” Lucy sat by the now cold campfire, took Noah in her lap, and wrapped her arms around him. “Dry your tears, sweetheart. The Indians are gone, and they’re not coming back.”

  Abner stood over the boy, bridling with anger. “Stop that blubbering. If you don’t, I’ll take a birch rod to your behind.”

  Noah’s cries turned to screams. Lucy gave Abner a hostile glare. “Can’t you understand that’s no way to talk to the child? Can’t you see he’s terrified?”

  “I’m in charge of his discipline, not you.”

  “He’s a sweet little boy. He doesn’t ever need to be whipped.”

  “I won’t have a coward in my family!”

  You’re the coward, she wanted to shout but bit her tongue. “So you’re going to beat him into silence? Your own flesh and blood?”

  “Put the boy down,” Abner thundered, for once unmindful others might hear. “Get the bandages. Come here and tend to my wound.”

  “In a minute. You’re not dying, are you?” Granted, Abner was upset and no doubt humiliated over his cowardly actions, but that didn’t excuse his boorish behavior. Ignoring his bullying command, she held her stepson in her arms, determined to comfort him until he stopped crying. “Get your wife to help you.”

  “Martha, get out here!”

  Soon Martha, still trembling, was cleaning and bandaging Abner’s shallow cut while he sat seething in front of the remains of the campfire. Lucy watched in silence, fighting her impulse to ask an explosive question. Noah finally stopped crying. Suddenly filled with indignation, she set him from her lap. “Go play, sweetheart. Everything is fine now.” When Noah was out of earshot, she stood up and looked at Abner. “If you weren’t running away, what were you doing?”

  Abner arose, pulled himself to his full height, and glared down at her. “If you question my decisions, you’ll live to regret it. Is that clear?”

  “Oh, dear,” Martha said in her small voice. “Lucy, you’d better not say any more.”

  Lucy ignored her and glared back at Abner. “I came face to face with death today. Funny, how it’s changed my thinking. The small things don’t seem to matter. That includes your threats, so don’t waste your breath.”

  Abner’s nostrils flared with fury. “You will obey me. You will not address me in such a manner! You—”

  “Stop your bullshit!” What a pleasure to see him flinch when she said the bad word, almost as if he’d been shot.

  “You dare to blaspheme?” He couldn’t have looked more outraged if she’d set the wagons afire and shot all the oxen.

  “I’m sick and tired of your ordering me about, and I’m not going to stand for it. Especially when ...” she was about to make Abner even more furious, and why not? “You would be well advised to reflect upon your own faults, and that includes your actions today. Don’t keep spouting those quotations from the Bible. You can’t keep using God as an excuse. It’s not working.” How sweet to voice thoughts long stifled. How sweet to see befuddled anger cloud his face.

  “How dare you speak to me that way!”

  “How dare I? I just gave you my reasons. And another thing—” Again she hesitated. How she would love to tell Abner to his face that he was a coward, that she’d lost all her respect for him. Her own good sense made her stop. For one thing, she would further upset Martha. For another, slamming Abner with the complete, honest truth wouldn’t be very smart, even though he deserved to hear it. She still had to deal with him every day. He still held Noah’s custody, and she couldn’t change that, even though she heartily wished she could.

  Reluctantly, she concluded she’d said enough. Time to get away, take her mind off herself. “I don’t care to talk right now. I’m going to see how everyone is.” She shot Abner a look of warning. “When Noah comes back, don’t you dare touch him.”

  “You’re not going anywhere.”

  She tilted her chin and returned a beatific smile. “Try and stop me.” Feeling his eyes drilling into her back, she walked away, refusing to worry. He wouldn’t dare try anything in front of the whole camp. Besides, the way she felt now, she wouldn’t care if he did. Despite the events of this horrifying day, she felt at peace with herself. Today marked a turning point in her life. Not only had she fought with courage and survived the Indians, she had cleared her mind of all her troublesome doubts about Abner. She would no longer obey him. That was a fact she’d never question again. She had said the things that needed to be said, yes, demanded to be said unless she wanted to remain a spineless victim the rest of her life.

  At a brisk pace, she began a walk around the campground, first stopping at Cordelia’s wagon. “Ma’s asleep,” said Chad. “She got a black eye where the Indian kicked her.”

  Lucy recalled those terrifying moments when the Indian held Chad by his hair, tomahawk held high, an image that would stay forever etched in her memory. “Are you all right? That was so frightening, what happened to you.”

  “I wasn’t scared, not much anyway.” Chad’s chest swelled with pride. “Did you see how my mother fought that Indian?”

  “I did indeed. She was very brave.”

  The boy’s face fell. “I sure wish Ma would change her mind about going back home.”

  “So do I.” Lucy meant what she said. She’d grown to like and admire Cordelia immensely. She hated to see her turn back now, but the former Southern belle still clung to her determination to return to Atlanta.

  Continuing on, Lucy stopped next at the Helmick wagon to ask after Stanley. “He’ll recover,” said Inez. “Luckily the arrow caught him in the shoulder.” Her face softened. “I saw you shooting at those Indians. Never saw anything so brave. Too bad Abner ...” Embarrassed, Inez looked away. “Sorry. The words just slipped out. You’d best be aware, though; many in the train are really, really unhappy with the captain.”

  “I know.” Right now the last thing Lucy wanted was a discussion of her brother-in-law’s shortcomings. She said goodbye and walked on. At the guides’ wagon, she spied Clint sitting on the wagon seat, cleaning his rifle. Up to now, her concern over gossip would’ve prevented her from stopping to chat. Not today, though. She walked to his wagon, heart stirring at the sight of his lean, buckskin-clad form, so tough and sinewy, so very powerful. She felt a tug deep inside when she remembered how he’d scooped her up like a feather in his strong arms and saved her from the Indians.

  “Hello,” she said.

  Surprised, he looked up, then smiled. “Lucy. To what do I owe the honor?” He made a show of glancing around the campground, where more than one pair of eyes were trained their way. “Do you want to ruin your reputation? Don’t you know it’s not proper for a woman to visit a man not her husband?”

  “Blast the gossip.” She perched herself on the tongue of the wagon. “I don’t give a fig what people say.”

  “Why, Mrs. Schneider!” He cast a mocking look of surprise. “Have we thrown caution to the winds?” He jerked his head toward Abner’s wagon. “What about him?”

  “I don’t care. But if you’re afraid, I shall leave immediately.”

  “Afraid of Abner Schneider?” He laid his rifle down, threw back his head, and let out a great peal of laughter. When he finished, he gazed at her thoughtfully. “So you’re all right?”

  “Yes, and I came to thank you.”

  “For what?”

  “For saving my life today. That’s the second time.”

  “Second?” He raised a puzzled eyebrow. “What was the first?”r />
  “When I got lost in the woods and you saved me from the snake.”

  “You weren’t lost. You’d have found your own way out.”

  “You said I would have ended up in Texas.”

  He didn’t smile as she’d expected but instead regarded her with eyes that brimmed with admiration. “Either way, you were worth saving.”

  All her false bravado slipped away. “Oh, Clint.” There came that lump in her throat. She had to swallow before she could speak again. “I needed to hear that. It’s ... not been a good day, what with the Indians, and then Abner, the way

  he ...” She had to swallow again. “What a disgrace.”

  “No surprise there.”

  “Nobody else ran. Henry didn’t, or Hannah and Elija, and did you see Cordelia and Chad?”

  “I saw you.”

  “Ha! When you saw me, I was in the midst of the battle on my hands and knees in the dirt and scared spitless.”

  “I saw you before that, standing your ground. You fired that rifle like you thought you were Davy Crockett. You did pretty damn good.” He grinned. “For a spoiled young lady from Boston, that is.”

  His simple praise caused her heart to ache. She recognized her desperate need for a few kind words instead of Abner’s constant criticism.

  “As for Abner ...” Clint picked up his rifle and sighted it, taking his time. “You’ve got to get away from him.”

  “Easier said than done. You know the hold he has on me.”

  “You’re afraid for the boy, and I can’t say I blame you. I would guess you’re concerned for Martha, too.”

  “So what do you suggest I do?”

  He sat silent for so long she became aware of the sounds from around the campground: the low murmuring of tense voices, everyone still disturbed by the attack, the continual, weak crying of the little Janicki girl struck by the arrow, the rhythmic strike of shovels jamming into earth, digging graves. When Clint finally spoke, he lay down his rifle, leaned toward her, and clasped his hands between his open knees. “As Charlie would say, Abner’s not worth the powder and shot to blow him to hell. Mark my words, wait long enough, and he’ll self-destruct.”

  “That might not be soon enough.” Lucy’s laugh was bitter. “I guess you know, when we get to California, he’ll want to keep Noah.”

  “And you as well.” A thoughtful smile curved Clint’s mouth. “I care about you.”

  Clint had spoken so matter-of-factly, it took a moment for his words to sink in. When they did, her heart swelled with a feeling she’d never imagined. “Clint, I—”

  “Yes, I care. I didn’t know how much until today, when I saw that Indian take his tomahawk and—” He drew a deep breath and shook his head. “—I couldn’t get to you then. I came soon as I could, but if you hadn’t stood your ground and shot him, God only knows. Where the hell was Abner? How could he let you ...?” From the whiteness around his mouth, the tensing of his jaw, she could see he was fighting to control his anger. “Do you know you rob me of my sleep at night?”

  She shook her head, so overcome she couldn’t find words.

  “Well, you do.” The beginning of his little crooked smile tipped the corners of his mouth. “You want to hear it all? I won’t be saying it again, so you might as well.”

  “Yes, then.” How could she not want to hear?

  “At night when I lay under the stars, I can’t sleep for thinking about you. I remember the first time I met you, the cheeky girl from Boston with the pretty hair, so sure she knew all the answers. I admired your spunk and your quirky humor. Now I know you better, there’s even more I admire. I see you as you are now, so brave, so ...” A self-mocking little smile flitted across his lips “... so very unavailable.”

  She couldn’t begin to express her stunned reaction and searched for something light to say. “Well, I’m not much of a prize at the moment.” She glanced down at her shabby clothes. Lord only knew what her hair looked like after she’d quickly plaited it this morning, not even looking in her tiny mirror.

  He spoke again in a tender voice, almost a murmur. “I’m a plain man without fancy words. All I can say is to my eyes you’re beautiful just as you are.” With fleet, swift moves, he sprang down from the wagon and stood close, looking down at her. “Do you remember that rainy day in the wagon?”

  “Yes, of course, I do.” How could she forget?

  “That was only a start. God willing, I’ll make love to you again, only better, like you’ve never been made love to before. I’ll make you feel things you never thought possible with that ignorant husband of yours.”

  She almost blurted, how did you know? Then she remembered nothing was sacred in a wagon train, and that included the most intimate, private details of her life laid bare. She cocked her head. “Why are you telling me this now?”

  “Because ...” He looked deep into her eyes, his own eyes filled with tenderness and passion. “I’ve faced death before. Never thought twice about it. Had I died today and not told you how I felt ...” He shrugged. “Let’s just say, I wanted you to know.”

  She sensed the profound depth of his feelings, so carefully concealed behind his casual words. “ I’ve been wanting to tell you—”

  “Don’t say it.” He quickly raised a hand. “What good would it do? Who knows what fate has in store? Perhaps you’ll never hear me speak these words again. Perhaps ... who knows? See over there?” He pointed across the campground to where Agnes, bending over her cook fire, quickly jerked her gaze away. “What would you wager that dear lady is trying her best to read our lips? She won’t get another chance. When this journey ends, we could very well part and go our different ways.” He gave her a look so full of raw desire her pulses went spinning. “Every now and then, give a thought to a man who would have laid down his life for you, would have loved you dearly for as long as he lived. Would have ... That’s enough. I’ve got things to do.”

  She felt a desperate need to pour out her feelings for him. “There’s so much I haven’t told you.”

  “This conversation is over. But still ...” His eyes filled with longing. “If the right time ever comes, it’ll be my pleasure to listen to whatever you have to say.”

  Before she could answer, Clint strode away, leaving her weak-kneed, feeling as if she were swimming through a haze of doubts and desires. How could she let him go? How could she ever live without him?

  She wanted to run after him, throw herself in his arms, tell him she was his forever and nothing else mattered, that he was the only man she’d ever love.

  Then she thought of Noah and how he needed her. How Martha desperately needed her, too. Never could she leave them, no matter how much she loved Clint.

  So, as she knew she would, she turned her back on Clint and started away, her heart in a turmoil, but knowing she had done the right thing.

  Chapter 14

  On her way back to the wagon, Lucy spied Cordelia.

  “Just look at my black eye!” The former Southern belle touched her hand to her bruised face. “I must have looked pretty foolish when that savage knocked me ass-backwards to the ground.”

  “Cordelia!” Lucy laughed in surprise. “Since when did you start using that kind of language?”

  Cordelia gave her a rueful smile. “Since I came to realize I’m not Atlanta’s queen of society anymore.”

  “Well, you didn’t look foolish. You looked very brave, like a mother tigress protecting her young.”

  “Do tell.” Cordelia flushed from the compliment.

  “I mean it.” Lucy heaved a regretful sigh. “I’m truly going to miss you when you go back to Atlanta.”

  “I’m not going back.”

  “What? You mean you’re going on to California?”

  “I surely am.”

  “That’s wonderful news. Why? You were so sure you didn’t want to go on.”

  “Just look at me.” Cordelia spread her arms. “Do I look like the same woman who served that fancy high tea back in Independence?�
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  “Uh, not exactly.” Lucy tried to be tactful. “Your hair was beautifully coifed, you wore that elegant, hoop-skirted taffeta gown, and you had Sukey to serve the refreshments.”

  “Well, look at me now. Did you ever see anyone more bedraggled?” Cordelia pushed back a strand of untidy brown hair and held out the skirt of her faded blue calico gown. “Today my eyes were opened. I nearly lost my life, and so did Chad. It made me realize if we go back now we’d be throwing away all the hard work, sacrifices, and risks we’ve taken. All that we’ve struggled through would’ve been in vain if we ran back to Atlanta now, ‘tails between our legs,’ as Charlie Dawes would say.”

  “Chad certainly wants to keep on.”

  “He’s right, and besides, I don’t want to go back to Atlanta anymore. How could I return to that stuffy society where they think they’re so highborn they can look down their noses at anyone who isn’t like them? I look back and wonder how I could’ve been such a snob.”

  Lucy asked, “Am I right in thinking Hannah had something to do with this?”

  Cordelia nodded emphatically. “That fine woman saved my son today. I cringe when I remember how I used to consider her ‘of a lesser standing,’ and I’ve already told her so. My dear Nathaniel ...” Cordelia’s eyes glistened with tears. “I know he would’ve wanted us to keep on, despite the hardships. He dreamed of a new life for all of us, especially Chad. Well, if God gives me the strength, I’ll see Nathaniel gets his wish.”

  Just then, Hannah, Martha, and Inez arrived, soon followed by Agnes. When they heard Cordelia’s news, they expressed their delight. If they held any grudges, they kept them well concealed, but Lucy didn’t think they did. Life on the trail left little time for pettiness.

  Cordelia served coffee to all. They settled around her campfire, each taking comfort in discussing the horrific events of the day. Hannah asked, “Has anyone heard how the little Janicki girl is doing?”

  “Holding her own.” Agnes of course would know. “Inez says she’ll probably pull through if she stays quiet for a few days.”