by Julie Cannon
She said as much to Christina, adding, “What did I ever do to deserve any of this?”
“Shit happens, Lane. The question is, what you do with it once it does happen.” Christina had always been blunt. “Does it matter whose heart you have?”
Christina’s question caught Lane off guard, and she almost spilled her coffee. “Not to me. But it does to Kyle, and I’d probably feel the same if the situation was reversed.”
Lane had spent most of the night thinking about how she might be able to determine the name of her donor. Before she finally succumbed to exhaustion, she’d decided to contact her donor representative later that morning. She knew it was a long shot, but she had to do all she could to discover the truth.
“Then I agree with you that you should fight for her. But you know, this is her issue to deal with, not yours.”
“How can you say that? I have just as much to deal with as she does. There is a huge possibility that I have the heart of the twin sister of the woman I’m in love with. Other than that being very difficult to say and terribly confusing, don’t you think that’s just a little creepy?”
“Sweetie, if you think about it too much, life is creepy.”
“That’s a big help.”
“I’m just saying I think her pile of shit is bigger than yours. I’m glad you’re going to give her some time before you try to talk to her. She needs to deal with this.”
“Why are you on her side?”
Christina groaned. “Listen, what you gained, she lost. You said Hollie looks just like her right?” When Lane nodded, she continued, “Well that’s gotta be tough enough and now to believe that her child’s mother’s heart is beating across the room. I think it’s a bit overwhelming.”
If Lane weren’t so tired she’d be annoyed with Christina’s incessant questions and annoying logic. “I couldn’t even imagine how that must be. All I know is I can’t make her talk about it, and I certainly can’t make her get over it. And if that means we never see each other again, I have to respect that. But I’m not going to sit around and do nothing while she makes that decision.”
The words sounded noble, but Lane was torn apart as she said them. She wanted to make Kyle believe that it didn’t matter whose heart she had. She needed Kyle to believe that she loved her. But she knew she didn’t have that kind of power.
*
Kyle’s head throbbed as she drove to her parents’ house to pick up Hollie. Joann had forced her to eat a light breakfast, and Travis had assured her he would dig around to see what he could turn up. She felt comforted knowing she had friends as wonderful as these.
When she pulled into the driveway of her parent’s house, Hollie was playing in the front yard with her dad. Oh Hollie, no wonder you connected with her so easily. You knew. Somehow you just knew.
Seeing her sister’s child brought a fresh wave of grief and confusion to her already over-taxed brain. Kyle was afraid that her parents would take one look at her and start asking questions. She put on the best mask she had and got out of the car.
Once she entered the house where she and Alison grew up, memories overwhelmed her. She had to escape or risk breaking down. She felt guilty being abrupt with her father, but she wasn’t ready to face her parents with this news. All she wanted was to be alone.
Kyle was relieved that Constance had gone to the grocery store and that she was able to snag Hollie and be back in her car before her father knew what hit him. Hollie chatted nonstop the entire way home, and Kyle exhaled a breath she didn’t know she was holding when she turned the corner and saw that Lane’s car was not parked in front of her house. She pulled into the garage and quickly closed the door behind her.
Kyle entered the house and her gaze naturally went to the answering machine. One, two, three times the red light winked at her. Moving her focus away from the blinking machine, Kyle picked Hollie up and hugged her tightly.
She spent the rest of the day avoiding the telephone and refusing to clear her messages. As Hollie lay sleeping after a long day of play, Kyle finally moved away from the end of her crib and dragged herself out to the living room. Yet again, she hesitated in front of the machine that had tormented her all day. In one hand she held her third bottle of beer, and the other hand hovered over the play button. The blinking light was not going to go away by itself, and her hand shook as she pushed the button. None of the messages was from Lane.
The phone rang, startling her, and her beer bottle broke when she dropped it on the counter. “Fuck!” Kyle screamed as she cut her finger on a shard of broken glass. The blood splattered on the wall when she pounded her fist on the marble counter. “Goddamn it, son of a bitch!”
Blood dripped on the floor as she slid down the cabinet and fell to the floor. Wrapping a piece of her shirt hem around her finger, she curled up in a fetal position and cried as the machine picked up the call.
“Kyle, it’s Travis, and yes I am checking up on you. We’re worried about you. I know you’re probably going crazy trying to figure this out, but please give it some time. If you need anything, let us know.”
Kyle didn’t move. It was dark when she opened her eyes again. She had no idea how long she had cried and even less of an idea of how long she’d slept. Her joints were stiff and her left arm had fallen asleep in the awkward position she was in. A stream of light from the full moon blazed through the open curtain. Slowly, she sat up and stretched her legs out in front of her, leaning back against the bar.
“Oh, Allie, what am I going to do? Is your heart in Lane’s body or is it just a coincidence? What am I going to tell Mom and Dad? What am I going to tell Hollie when she grows up? Oh God, what am I going to do about Lane?”
Nobody answered back.
A few minutes later, Kyle checked on Hollie, took a hot shower, and climbed into bed. For the second night in a row her dreams were tormented with images of her sister, Hollie, and Lane.
Chapter Sixteen
“Don’t look at me like that, Travis. I have a family to support and a job to do. I’m fine.”
“Bullshit.” Came the one word reply.
Kyle didn’t know why she even tried to hide from her partner. He knew her inside and out, and it would be next to impossible to keep anything from him, but it was her natural defense to try. She softened her tone. “Good morning.”
“That’s better. Good morning, Joann sends her best.” He hung his suit jacket on the back of his chair and sat down.
“Thank her for me,” Kyle said.
She knew her friends would have been talking about her ever since she showed up on their doorstep and were worrying about how she was handling the stress of the whole situation. They knew how close she’d been to Alison, and she’d made the mistake of sharing her feelings about Lane. They probably thought she was going over the deep end, but her head was clearer this morning than it had been all weekend even if her natural ability to reason had not yet returned.
“Travis, I know you mean well, but I can’t talk about it right now. There is so much going through my head I can’t think straight, and I have to get back on an even keel. I need to work to get my mind off it for a while.” She reached across the desk and touched his hand. “You know I love you guys and when I’m ready I’ll talk about it. Okay?”
Travis eyed her critically. “I’m going to say three things then I promise I’ll shut up. First, you have to talk to someone about this, a counselor or somebody who has the expertise to help you figure this all out. Second,” he ticked off the number on his fingers, “I’m going to keep digging around and see what I can turn up. And third, go talk to Lane. I can see what’s going on between you two, and she has to be in as much shock about all of this as you are. It’s not her fault. Oh, by the way, Joann wants you and Hollie to come to dinner some night this week.” He sat back in his chair, his comments complete.
“That was more than three things,” Kyle said teasingly trying to regain her lost sense of humor. She held up her fingers as she replied. “One,
I’ll think about it. Two, you probably won’t get far, but thanks. Three, I can’t, at least not yet, and four, how about Wednesday? I’ll try to be social by then.”
Before her partner had a chance to reply, Kyle’s phone rang and another day in the Homicide Division of the La Jolla Police Department began.
*
“I’m sorry, what did you say?” Lane looked past Donna toward the front door hoping that it was Kyle that just walked in instead of the two business men.
She knew Kyle wouldn’t come into the restaurant, but she couldn’t stop scanning the faces of her customers each time she ventured out onto the patio. For two hours, Kyle’s normal table had remained empty until Lane herself sat a customer there. Donna noticed her pensive mood and had smartly avoided approaching her with anything serious until now.
Lane had spent the better part of yesterday talking to her transplant coordinator and scouring the Internet for anything she could find on Alison Bain. The coordinator had provided her with no information whatsoever, citing program confidentiality. But the Internet offered a wealth of information. The more Lane read about Alison the more she recognized so much of Kyle in her. They were both dynamic, strong women, passionate about people and their work. There were several pictures of the two of them together, and the resemblance was remarkable. Lane read between the lines and saw the love and devotion they had for each other.
The obituary for Alison was short and brief, but the tributes by her patients and fellow physicians were numerous. Colleagues from around the country spoke of Alison’s intelligence and compassion for her patients, saying that the medical community had lost a great individual when she died. Lane found a copy of Alison’s will that had been filed upon her death, naming Kyle as executor of her estate and the guardian of her child. Property and insurance records indicated that Kyle was the sole beneficiary of her estate and that she’d established a significant trust fund for Hollie. The documents also indicated that Kyle had received enough money that she didn’t need to work for the rest of her life.
That Kyle had chosen to juggle the demands of motherhood and work in order to bring murderers to justice only made Lane respect her all the more.
Oh Kyle, what you must be going through.
*
“Kyle, is something troubling you?” For the past several weeks Constance had suspected that her daughter was putting up a good front for their benefit.
Kyle held her breath as she looked up from the cutting board where she had been concentrating on cubing a block of cheese. “What do you mean?”
Keep calm. Keep your face neutral. You can do this.
Her mother gave her the look that told Kyle that she knew she’d been caught. “I’m waiting.”
“I’m trying to work out a few issues. Nothing serious.”
Constance saw right through her. “You could never lie to me when you were a little girl, and you still can’t even though you’re a grown woman.”
How does she do that?
“Is it a case you’re working on?”
“No.” Shit, why did I say that? I could have used it as an excuse.
“Then what is it, darling? Even your father can tell something’s bothering you. You’ve lost weight and you look tired. I hardly ever see you smile unless you’re with Hollie, and then it looks like you’re holding on to her for dear life.”
Kyle shrugged. She hadn’t realized she’d been losing weight, but now that she thought about it, all her clothes felt loose. Sleep only came when she was totally exhausted, and the old nightmares of the fire had returned. She often woke in the middle of the night unable, or unwilling, to fall back asleep. She tried to eat, but everything tasted like chalk and got stuck in her throat. Her mother was right about how she was with Hollie. At first her daughter had basked in the extra attention, but these days she scrambled off Kyle’s lap as often as she could.
Kyle glanced out the window. Her father had taken Hollie outside, and they were both laughing as he pushed her on the swing. “I don’t really want to talk about it, Mom.”
“Is there anything I can do?”
Her mother had always been there for her, and they both needed each other more than ever when Alison died. Suddenly Kyle couldn’t keep it bottled up inside anymore. “It involves Lane.” She didn’t get to finish her explanation before her mother spoke up.
“Has she done something to hurt you?” No matter how old a child was it was still a mother’s instinct to protect her offspring, and Kyle recognized the familiar warning note in her voice.
“No, Mom. At least not directly.” Kyle put the knife down and searched her mother’s eyes. What she found there gave her the courage to continue. “Last March Lane had a heart transplant. When we first starting seeing each other I didn’t know and when she told me I didn’t ask too many questions. I guess it brought up too many memories of Alison.” Kyle saw the momentary flicker of grief cross her mother’s face and then it was gone.
“To cut a long story short, it seems there’s a high probability that she received Alison’s heart.”
“What? How can that be? It’s all confidential. The names of donors are never released.”
“She doesn’t know the name of her donor, but the specifics mirror Alison’s right down to the date and the cause of death. Needless to say it’s a bit unnerving.”
“When did you learn about this?” Constance’s tone was stern and Kyle had no other choice but to answer.
“Almost three weeks ago.”
“And you didn’t say anything?” Constance began pacing around the kitchen. “Kyle, how could you keep this from us?”
“I didn’t want you and Dad to go through this.” Kyle tried to explain.
“Were you intending to keep it a secret forever?” Constance looked angry and hurt.
“I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore.” Kyle’s frustration and confusion broke through, and her reply was harsher than she had expected. She slammed the knife on the counter. “I’ve been trying to figure it out. Jesus Christ, Mom, give me a break. I’ve been sleeping with the woman who has my sister’s heart! What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?”
Constance stared at her for several moments before Kyle lowered her head. Finally able to put into words the anguish she had been experiencing for weeks, she said, “I don’t know whether to rejoice because a part of Allie is still alive or throw up because I’m making love to it.” Her mother finally seemed to realize the pain she was in and came around the counter and pulled her into her arms. They moved through the kitchen and into the living room and sat down next to each other on the couch. Kyle held her mother’s hand like it was a lifeline.
“We were seeing a lot of each other. We’d get together several times a week, and on the weekends we’d do something with Hollie. Hollie loved her. Their instant connection makes perfect sense now.”
“Are you in love with her?”
Kyle looked up in surprise at her mother’s question. “I don’t know. A few weeks ago I might have said yes. Now it’s just not that simple anymore.”
“What does she say?”
“I haven’t talked to her since I found out.”
“Yes, I suppose that would be difficult.” Her mother frowned as if she was still absorbing the full meaning of the information. “I’m so sorry, darling. To believe that the heart of someone you loved more than anything is in the body of the woman you love…that’s truly shocking.”
“Travis thinks it might just be a coincidence. He’s trying to dig up information about Lane’s transplant to see if he can tie the two together.”
“And if he does?”
“I don’t know.”
“What can I do to help you with this, Kyle?”
Kyle knew that if she was going through hell, her parents would be as well. “You’ve got enough to deal with now that you know. I don’t want to add to it.”
“Nonsense. We need to be together as a family during this, whatever the outcome.”
<
br /> And a closer family they became. They had dinner together at least three or four nights a week, and several times Kyle spent the night in their guest room. It was only on those nights that the nightmares stayed away and she was able to get a full night’s sleep. Her parents watched her like a hawk when they were together, looking for any signs of how they could help her weather this storm. But they didn’t tell her what they thought she should do. Kyle was thankful for that. Her parents understood her well enough to know this was something she had to maneuver through alone.
*
One more mile. I can do this. I feel good. I need this. Lane concentrated on her breathing and her heart rate, ignoring the burning in her legs. Her stamina was increasing, and she was rediscovering her love of mountain biking. Riding was when she was the most at peace. The strenuous physical exertion and concentration required to stay upright barreling down a hill at twenty miles an hour left room for little else to fill her head. Today however, no amount of speed or challenging terrain could drive Kyle out of her mind.
Lane released her grip from the handlebars and wiped the sweat that dripped off her brow. Her helmet was ventilated but had very little actual cooling effect. As she rode, she replayed the scene in her mind when Kyle learned the details of her surgery. The expression on Kyle’s face was burned indelibly into her brain. She saw it when she closed her eyes at night and whenever she thought about Kyle at work or anywhere else. And now, when she was trying to do something for herself, she saw it again, right in front of her.
Shit! One minute she was descending an intermediate slope and the next she was sprawled in a heap in the dirt. Her lack of concentration meant she didn’t notice the trail had more sand on it than usual. Her front tire hit the sand as if it was thick mud, and she was catapulted over the handlebars. Spitting sand from her mouth, Lane cautiously moved each of her extremities. To her relief nothing appeared to be broken. The last time she took a spill like this she broke her collar bone in two places. Grateful that she only suffered a few minor scrapes she dusted off the evidence of her fall and climbed back onto the saddle.
