by Julie Cannon
Lane pushed herself out of Kyle’s embrace. She was angry. “And this is the exact reaction I don’t want from people. Especially from you.” Lane regained control and continued softly. “I don’t want this to change the way we are. I don’t want you to treat me differently, in bed or out of bed.”
She was hopeful and fearful of what she saw in Kyle’s eyes. She didn’t want their relationship to change, but she knew that it already had.
*
Kyle sat against the front of the couch with Lane between her legs leaning back against her chest. They were nibbling on grapes and cheese that Lane scrounged from the kitchen. Kyle moved her fingers softly over Lane’s skin, gently tracing the reminder that this wonderful woman almost died.
“Do you ever wonder about the donor?” Kyle was still a bit shaken with the news Lane had shared with her earlier. Lane’s anger had subsided, and Kyle felt calm enough to ask more questions.
“In the beginning I practically obsessed over it. Who she was, what was she like, did she have a family? Now I just give thanks every day. I think about the loss her family must have felt, and I wonder how they’re feeling now. I try to live every day honoring the gift they gave me. I hope they have some peace.”
“It was a woman? Do you know anything about her?” Kyle’s hands started to drift south.
Lane’s fingers stroked the strong legs stretched out on either side of her. “Not much, they keep things pretty confidential. I do know that she was young and died from a brain aneurysm. I think it was somewhere back east because John said it took four or five hours for the heart to get here.”
Kyle’s head began to spin and the roar in her ears became deafening. Every muscle in her body froze. No, it can’t be.
Lane felt Kyle’s body turn to stone. “Kyle, what is it?
Kyle could barely speak. “When did you have your surgery?”
Lane shifted position, turning to face her. “It was a year in March. Why? Kyle, what is it?”
Kyle gripped her arms so tightly it hurt. The look in her eyes frightened Lane. She hardly recognized the voice that spoke.
“When exactly? Tell me!” Please God. No!
“March 24th.”
Kyle lost all feeling as her world spun out of control. No, no, no! She got up and searched frantically for her clothes. “I’ve got to go.” I’ve got to get out of here!
Lane stood up and reached for her. “Kyle, honey what is it? What’s going on?”
Kyle jerked away from Lane’s touch. “I can’t be here. This can’t be happening.” Her last statement was not directed to Lane but more to herself. Her hands shook so badly she couldn’t get her shirt buttons through their respective holes.
“Kyle, for God’s sake. Tell me what in the hell is going on!” There was no way Lane was going to let her leave without knowing what happened.
Kyle turned, her face ashen and streaked with tears. The look on her face was one Lane knew she would never forget.
“Alison lived in Connecticut and died of a brain aneurysm after giving birth to Hollie. I signed the authorization to donate her organs, including her heart on March 24th. You got her heart, Lane. You have my twin sister’s heart.”
*
Kyle’s last words hung in the air: You have my twin sister’s heart.
Lane was stunned. She replayed the scene in her mind over and over again trying to find the piece that was missing. It didn’t make sense. One minute they were sharing an intimate conversation as only lovers can, and the next, Kyle was in a panic and couldn’t get away from her fast enough.
As if on automatic pilot, Lane bent down and retrieved the clothes scattered around the room. She’d always been comfortable with nudity and often didn’t get dressed all day if she wasn’t going to the restaurant or running errands, but she suddenly felt oddly vulnerable. She stepped into her panties and shorts and reached for the bra that had somehow ended up on the other side of the room along with her tank top.
The scene replayed itself in her mind. She had barely closed the door behind Kyle when she was swept into a passionate kiss that made her forget everything except the way she felt in Kyle’s embrace. In a matter of seconds her clothes were off, and Kyle’s demanding hands and lips were seeking satisfaction.
Lane buckled the front clasp of her rose colored bra. All the pieces started falling together one clink at a time. Her hands froze against the thin vertical seam over the heart that had once beat in another woman’s chest.
“No, it can’t be,” she told the empty room.
The specific details of her donor were confidential, but the key elements were too close to be a coincidence. Or were they? Kyle’s sister, Alison, had a brain aneurysm in childbirth. Lane’s donor had an aneurysm. Alison had lived in Connecticut. Lane’s donor was a woman who lived in the eastern part of the country. She received her new heart on March 24th, the same day Alison’s organs were harvested.
Lane’s legs refused to support her any longer, and she fell into the overstuffed chair next to the couch where she and Kyle had made love for a second time not thirty minutes earlier. Fear clenched her gut like a vice and she fought a wave of nausea. She ran her shaking hands through her hair, her mind racing in direct competition with her heart.
“This can’t be happening. Not now.” Not now after all she’s been through. She’d come too far.
Lane stumbled off the chair and went outdoors, finally settling in one of the Adirondack chairs on the patio. The warm breeze on her face kept her hair out of her eyes, and she studied the churning ocean. She loved this view. The rise and fall of the waves were so much like the past eighteen months of her life. She’d been happy. She had good friends, a successful business, and what she’d thought back then was a good relationship. That wave crested and crashed when she got sick and Maria left. The next waves consisted of the successes and setbacks in her long road back to complete recovery. But this afternoon, the wave she’d been riding for the past few wonderful weeks crested and came crashing down.
Lane rested her legs on the small patio table and reflected on the past few months. She was happy again and getting stronger every day. She had complete faith in her new heart, and most days never thought it was not the original model. It certainly was not that way in the beginning. For weeks she’d listened for every beat, waiting for the time when the strong thumping would suddenly stop. But it never did, and eventually she accepted it as she would if it were one of the crowns that her dentist had placed over a bad tooth. There were things that she had to do to keep herself alive, and those minor inconveniences were certainly worth it. She controlled her life now and refused to let it control her.
But at what cost? She didn’t think she wanted to get seriously involved with someone again. How could she subject a woman to a life of uncertainty? And what if she left when things got difficult? Lane wasn’t afraid of being alone, she just didn’t want to die alone.
“God damn you, Kyle. I’m the one who’s had to go through all this shit.” She shouted to the blue sky scrambling out of the chair. “My whole life was changed forever. I’m the one that almost died. I’m the one that has to take pills every fucking day for the rest of my life just to stay alive. I’m the one that this happened to, not you! But you’re the one that left. You’re no better than Maria. Things get a little tough and you run.” Lane stopped pacing and fell back into the chair. “Damn you, Kyle. I thought you were stronger than that. I thought I could depend on you no matter what. I thought we had the beginning of something special. I thought we could work out anything. I thought…” Lane stopped, her voice cracking. “I guess it doesn’t matter what I thought. Because this is what I got.”
Lane tipped her head back and closed her eyes. Guilt overwhelmed her like a smothering darkness. She was alive. Alison was dead. A child would never know her mother. A wonderful woman lost a sister. Parents lost a daughter. It wasn’t all about her. Not at all.
She had fallen in love with Kyle without even being aware it was h
appening. She fell into her life at a time she wasn’t expecting it, and now that she was there, Lane didn’t want her to leave. She loved her strength, her warmth, her integrity, and the way she respected her. No one ever looked at her the way Kyle did, and her smile touched Lane deep inside. She was a fabulous, attentive lover, and Lane loved watching the ecstasy spread across her face when they made love. She knew Kyle loved her daughter, her family, her work and Lane suspected she loved her as well.
But cresting waves always crashed. The one thing that gave her life, gave her a second chance at life, might be the one thing that was crushing her now. She couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think and could almost feel her heart breaking. She wasn’t sure she could survive this kind of loss. Was having a new heart worth the pain of a broken heart?
Night fell and the cool air drifted over Lane, driving her inside. She stopped just inside the door. There it was, her answer as big as life, stunning her with its simplicity. A small bouquet of flowers that Kyle had given her this afternoon. It wasn’t fancy, nor did it contain exotic flowers from the other side of the world. It was simply an unadorned vase overflowing with white daisies, her favorite. Two long strides took her to the vase, and she lifted it with both hands, deeply inhaling the sweet scent.
It was then and there she knew without a doubt that she loved Kyle, not the superficial love she had with Maria, but the deep, abiding, connecting love that would see them through anything. Kyle turned her inside out, upside down and every which way, and Lane couldn’t lose her. At least not without a fight. Inhaling the fragrance one more time, Lane replaced the flowers on the table and picked up the phone.
Chapter Fifteen
Run! Run! Run! Kyle was running and she didn’t know where. All she knew was that she had to get away. She couldn’t face this. The top was down on her Saab, and the wind whipped her hair as she tore down the highway. Images flashed in front of her as she weaved in and out of traffic, all of them images of Alison. Pictures of their childhood, the tricks twins play on unsuspecting people, Alison graduating from medical school, Alison giving birth. Alison lying motionless in a hospital bed.
No, not again. I can’t go through this pain again. I won’t go through it again. Kyle wasn’t sure if she was thinking about the pain of losing Alison or the possibility of losing Lane.
Slowly she realized that she was unfamiliar with her surroundings. She eased her foot off the gas pedal and directed the car to the side of the road. When she looked around, she had no idea where she was or how long she’d been driving. The terrain was unfamiliar and the sun was burning a trail as it set in the western sky. She looked at her odometer and then her watch. She’d been driving for hours. She started to shake uncontrollably when she realized that she could have very easily killed herself or someone else with her carelessness. She turned off the ignition, put her head in her hands and screamed into the darkness.
Her life had crumbled in a matter of moments. One minute she was reveling in the afterglow of making love to Lane and the next she was shattered. She had never felt for any other woman the way she felt toward Lane. Lane was everything she could ask for, everything she had ever dreamed of in a partner. She was wonderful with Hollie, and Kyle wanted to spend every minute with her.
But her entire universe had changed. One moment they were having a normal conversation, the personal kind lovers shared. The next, her world had disintegrated. The woman who made her happier than anything else with the exception of her daughter was now…what? Kyle couldn’t begin to grasp what it meant that Alison’s heart was beating inside Lane’s chest. The heart that raced under the caresses of her fingers, and the touch of her lips was her sister’s. She opened the car door and vomited.
An hour later she pulled back onto the highway in the opposite direction. She drove for thirty-five miles before she was able to determine her location. She pulled into the first gas station she saw and filled her empty tank. While waiting, she opened her cell phone and dialed. After ensuring Hollie’s care for the night, she turned her car toward La Jolla. She couldn’t go home. She wasn’t ready to talk to her parents but there was someone that she could talk to.
*
Travis grumbled when he looked at the clock. Jesus Christ, it’s nine-thirty. His angry retort died on his lips when he saw his ravaged partner on his doorstep. “Kyle, what happened?”
As Travis led her into their family room, Kyle tried to find the words to describe how her world had crumbled. Joann was instantly by her side guiding her to the couch. They sat down on either side of her.
Travis spoke first. “Is Hollie okay?” His voice quavered.
She nodded wordlessly and heard him let out a pent up breath.
“What is it? Tell us what happened.”
“Lane has Alison’s heart.” Kyle’s voice was flat, devoid of any emotion. She was in shock.
“What?” This time it was Joann who spoke.
“Lane has Alison’s heart. She had a heart transplant the same day Alison died.”
Joann and Travis exchanged glances. “Kyle, that doesn’t mean that she got Alison’s heart,” Joann said. “It’s probably just a coincidence.”
Kyle’s eyes were dry and her hands were finally still. “Her donor was a young woman who lived back east and died of a brain aneurysm. She received her heart the same day they removed Alison’s. Even someone who’s not a detective could put two and two together. How many young female donors do you suppose there were that day?” Kyle was suddenly very tired.
“Kyle, where’s Hollie?”
“She’s with my parents.”
“And Lane?”
“I don’t know. At her house I guess.”
Travis took Kyle’s hands and held them tightly. “Kyle, start from the beginning and tell us everything.”
Forty-five minutes later, he sat back looking stunned at the chain of events. “Holy Christ. And you’re in love with her?”
“I don’t know what I feel anymore. I’m just…numb.”
“Of course you are,” Joann said. “You’re in a state of shock.”
“I didn’t even know she had a heart transplant.” Kyle saw the look of disbelief in their eyes. “When we first got together she told me she’d had some surgery on her heart. She called it tinkering, and said that’s why she has a scar. She assured me she was fine. I didn’t ask a lot of questions. Maybe I should have. I don’t know. I was trying to show her some respect. I figured she’d tell me anything else when she was ready.”
Travis put his arm around her. “You can’t second-guess yourself on this.”
Kyle shook her head. “I think I was afraid. It was too close to the pain of losing Alison.” She chuckled with bitter irony. “I just had no idea how close. Even after she told me about the transplant, I didn’t ask many questions. It brought back too many memories of Alison’s death, and I just didn’t want to go there again.”
Cautiously, Travis said, “I know I said this earlier, but let’s not jump to conclusions until we have all the facts. Let me see what I can find out before we assume Alison was involved.”
“We can talk about this some more in the morning,” Joann eyed Kyle with concern. “You’re exhausted. Stay with us tonight and we’ll see things clearer in the morning.” She gave Kyle a kiss on the cheek. “I’ll go make up the guest room.”
Kyle lay awake for hours, her mind a whirl of thoughts of the present as well as the past. She relived the pain of having to make the decision to donate her sister’s organs. It wasn’t something that she and Alison had ever discussed, but Kyle knew it was what her sister would have wanted. Her parents had allowed her to make the decision. She could still feel the pen sliding between her fingers. Her hand had shaken as she signed the consent form. That was the last time she saw Alison.
The burial had been difficult, and executing her will and selling her medical practice was a blur. But nothing was as painful as selling Alison’s house. It was several months after the funeral when her mother came with her
to sort through Alison’s things. Deciding what to keep and what to discard broke her heart into an additional million pieces. Everything she touched brought tears to her eyes. There were so many things she wanted Hollie to have as a reminder of the wonderful woman who was her mother. Kyle packed up far too many things, but she knew someday when Hollie was older she would sort through them again.
Kyle rolled onto her side and let herself weep. The sky had begun to lighten when she finally closed her eyes.
*
Lane hung up the phone, disappointed. She didn’t remember many details about her surgery, and her brother John, while thrilled to hear from her, wasn’t able to give her any more information than she already had. Her next call was to her best friend Christina, who was knocking on her door twenty minutes later. They talked long into the night, and every time she retold the events of that afternoon, Lane was still shaken by the fact that she might have Alison’s heart. It was late when they finished talking, and Christina spent what was left of the night in Lane’s guest room.
Lane woke feeling like she’d been hit by a bus. For a second she thought she was coming down with the flu until she remembered the awful look on Kyle’s face. She rolled over in bed and thought about dying, how she almost did and that maybe she wanted to now. She knew that if she had Alison’s heart, her relationship with Kyle was over. But she was not going to stand idly by and let Kyle make that decision for both of them. The scent of fresh coffee and the first day of her plan of action drove her out of bed.
Tightening her robe, she entered the kitchen where Christina was pouring each of them a large cup of the hot, strong brew. Christina handed her a cup. “Good morning. I won’t ask how you slept. You look like shit.”
“Thank you.” Lane sat on one of the stools at the counter. She took a few sips of the invigorating coffee while she gathered her thoughts. She was grateful that Christina was her friend. She was supportive of her decision to fight for Kyle but not judgmental of Kyle’s reaction. How did things get so messed up so fast?
