Captain James: That they are. What did you even mean to say?
Me: You’re awful. I’m pretty positive you’re not asexual.
Captain James: Absolutely not.
I start to blush, and he’s not even here, speaking to me directly. Time to redirect this conversation.
Me: So six? Dinner?
Captain James: Can’t wait.
I toss my phone on the couch and look over at Jack, relaxed and lounging back on the oversized chair. He’s still in his plaid pajama bottoms and a long-sleeve blue shirt; his phone is sitting next to him while his eyes are trained on the TV.
“James?” he asks, not pulling his eyes away from the movie.
“Huh?”
“Was that James? On the phone?”
“Oh! Yeah.”
“Figured. He coming over?”
He pauses the movie just as Eddie is getting ready to empty the shitter, turns toward me, and I can feel my face go soft at the hopeful expression on his face.
“Yeah, bud. He’s coming tonight. Bringing Lily with him.”
“Cool. I’m excited to meet her in person. He gonna cook? Can I help him?”
I smile at that. The mutual bond they share over their love of cooking and food is something I didn’t realize my son needed. At least not from a man. For a tiny, weak moment, I feel a pang of guilt for leaving the only man my son has ever known as a role model. This moment is so fleeting, so quick, because I realize that had I not left him, not only would Jack have continued to be exposed to a man like Vince, but we also wouldn’t have met the man who’s changing us both in ways we didn’t even realize we needed.
In this exact moment, a heavy pressure settles on my chest when I realize that I want, more than anything, to move forward. With James. Just like the arrows I have on the walls of my bedroom symbolize.
“I’m sure he’d love that.” My voice is soft.
“Cool. Ready to eat?”
He and I had made a quiche this morning for breakfast, another one of our traditions. By the smell coming out of the kitchen, it’s ready.
“Sure. Then gifts?”
“Want to wait for James tonight?”
I choke back tears when I realize how important James is to Jack. He would willingly put off opening his Christmas presents so James could be a part of it. With great effort, I say, “Nah. We’ll do our own thing this morning.”
“I can wait.”
Oh damn. We’re both so invested. It happened without us realizing it. James has taken both our hearts, obviously for different purposes. From the look on Jack’s face, he doesn’t want it back any time soon, and damn it all if I don’t want mine back either.
Where we both go from here, I have no clue.
“Let’s do us now, okay, kiddo?”
He watches at me for a few moments, looking as if he’s going to protest, but I need to have this with him. I can’t hand over the last little bit just yet.
“Alright. But tonight we can give him the present we got him, yeah?”
“Yeah, bud. You go get the quiche out of the oven. I’ll grab Lily’s present from my room so we can wrap it before they come.”
I stand up from my place on the couch and look down at my son who seems to be growing up too fast.
“Re-gifting? That’s tacky, Mom,” he teases me, a sparkle of happiness in his eyes.
I playfully narrow my eyes at him and reach over and pinch his cheek lightly. “Not re-gifting. I have a few things on hand. You know me. Besides, this is actually something I picked out for her.”
“Always have something ready, right?” he repeats the one and only bit of advice I’ve handed down to him that isn’t my own.
“That’s right.” I wink. “Now, get that out of the oven before it burns. It smells delicious, and I’m starved.”
“On it. And Mom?”
“Yeah?”
“Tonight? When James comes over? Remember that it’s a good thing. What he is to us? It’s more than a good thing.”
I swallow the lump in my throat and nod a few times. “I know. You’re right. It’s a very good thing.”
He smiles his still boyish smile and stands up. He gives me a hug then murmurs into my hair, “Love you, Mom. You’re my favorite.”
“Love you, Jack. You’re my favorite, too.”
“Merry Christmas,” he says then kisses me on the top of the head and makes his way into the kitchen to finish preparing our breakfast.
Such a good kid.
“Merry Christmas!” I shout back.
CHAPTER TEN
James
The day has already been crazy, and it’s not even nine am. Lily and I spent the night at Tess and Barrett’s to celebrate Christmas morning with them. Lily sits down beside me on the couch, resting her head on my shoulder.
“You’re happy, Dad.”
“I am,” I tell her, even though she sees it.
“Carly?”
“Not just Carly. But yes, she makes me happy.”
“Do you think you’ll be able to make it official soon?”
“I hope so, baby girl. But I’m willing to wait.”
“I know you are.”
She wraps her arm around my waist, giving me a tight hug. “I like you with her. I need to meet her, though.”
It’s not that I’ve been not introducing them on purpose. A part of me has been stalling this since she came home from school because I’m not introducing Lily to just anyone. Carly and Jack are important to me, but Lily has and always will come first. Even though she’s twenty-two years old, I still need to keep her at the top of my priority list.
“Today,” she says, giving me a squeeze and lifting her head to look up at me.
“But, it’s Christmas Day.”
Of course I want to see Carly and Jack today — that’s no different than any other day — but I don’t want to take away from our family, either.
“You have a gift for her and Jack, right?”
“Yeah. I got Jack some new earbuds — some good ones, or so the tech guy told me. And Carly… I got her this mug that is perfect for her, a gold bracelet that says Beautiful on it and a few other things.”
“I believe you, Dad. You didn’t have to tell me what you got them!” She laughs.
“Well, I figured you should know since I put your name on the tag. It’s not weird that I got them gifts?”
“No. It’s not weird. You said they’re alone. They don’t have other family, at least not that she wants to be around, so I’m sure they’d love to have company.” She snickers.
We always have so much family surrounding us. It doesn’t matter if it is a birthday party, holiday or simple Sunday dinner, we never lacked for people. To some, it would be overwhelming but we don’t know any other way.
“Yeah, baby girl, I want to see them.”
“Text her right now and see if it works, okay? I need to meet her. I wish I could’ve met her weeks ago.”
“Alright, I’ll do that.”
After pulling up in front of Carly’s house, I reach into the back seat and grab the gifts I picked out for her and Jack. I straighten up and nod at a silver car that’s just pulling away from where it was parked across the street from Carly’s house. The man driving stares at me, causing my skin to prickle. I look over at Lily and see that she noticed him, also. She looks at me and scrunches her eyebrows then giggles. “Merry Christmas to him, too, huh?”
“Yeah,” I say distractedly.
“Dad?”
“Huh?”
“Ready?”
“Oh. Yeah. Let’s go,” I tell her and shake off the eerie feeling that settled in my bones.
We walk up the stairs to Carly’s house just as the front door bursts open, revealing a Santa-hat-wearing Jack, smiling big in our direction.
“Welcome!” he shouts. He walks the few steps down and engulfs Lily in a hug, lifting her off the ground a few feet before setting her back down, causing me to look over in confusion.
&nbs
p; “Uhh, Lily, meet Jack. Jack, meet Lily, my daughter?”
“Duh.”
Lily starts laughing at the look on my face. “Dad. Jack and I talk all the time.”
“What?”
“Grady may have given us each other’s phone numbers,” Jack explains.
Like father like son.
“It’s good to see you, in person, I mean.”
“You too, Jack.” Lily pulls away slightly from Jack, looking up at his face, then grips his biceps. “Dang, boy. You’re way bigger than I thought you’d be.”
He laughs then bends his arm, flexing for her.
“That’s right.”
“But yet, just as much as a goofball as I have come to expect.”
“Wait. I’m still confused.”
I’m waiting for an explanation when the words are frozen on my tongue. A feeling of awareness skates down my spine, and I look over to the door. Standing on the front step, leaning against the wooden pillar, is my girl. She’s in flannel pajamas, as is Jack. Nothing could be more perfect. She couldn’t be more perfect. My beautiful, once-broken girl. How she was broken I still don’t know, but I will. Because I know deep down in my gut that she is. But I also know that I’m piecing together all those broken pieces.
Forgetting the questions I still have about how Lily and Jack know each other, I stride to Carly. I stop at one step below where she’s standing, making it so we’re almost the same height. I wrap my arms around her and bury my head in her neck, inhaling deeply.
“Merry Christmas, beautiful,” I murmur.
Her body shivers, and she whimpers quietly before leaning back slightly and looking up at me, those deep brown eyes filled with wonder and affection, cheeks a little rosy from standing outside in the winter cold. She bites her bottom lip, and I almost groan. What I wouldn’t give to be the one who’s biting her lip, or… well, a lot of other places. My mind is quickly jetting off into territory it absolutely shouldn’t when our children are standing six feet away, but I can’t seem to help myself.
My eyes remain on her mouth until she releases her lip. I’m so close to her I can feel the breath that expels from her lungs against my lips. I inhale her breath deeply, soaking in all that she’s willing to give me. Each moment we’re together she graces me with a tiny bit more of herself, and as much as I want all of her heart… all of her mind… my body is aching for hers.
I don’t know if that makes me an asshole or not, but it is what it is. My dreams at night are filled with visions of her. And more often than not, I find myself waking up with my hand in my boxers.
But I wait. I wait because she’s worth it. I wait because there’s no one else for me but her, and I’m willing to give her the time she needs, deserves.
“Merry Christmas.” Her voice. Damn. Her voice is silk and sweet. It’s seduction and goodness. I’m so lost to this girl, running through the maze blindly, not even caring to find my way back.
“Dad?”
“Yeah?” I ask, not looking away from Carly.
“Dad!” Lily shouts, laughing.
“What baby?”
Carly raises her eyebrows at me.
“Oh shit! Yeah. Okay. Lily, come here. Meet my girl, Carly. And you apparently already know Jack.”
Lily walks up to the stairs and pushes me out of the way. I feign being wounded and stumble down a step and over into the banister. The girls — and holy shit, I just said the girls, meaning my two girls — both roll their eyes and laugh at me. Then I see something that will be branded into my soul for eternity and thank God for that.
Carly takes Lily’s face in her hands, Lily’s hands going around Carly’s wrists.
“Lily. It’s such a pleasure to meet you. You’re absolutely breathtaking.”
“It’s so good to finally meet you as well. Dad didn’t mention you were so beautiful.”
“Hey!” I protest because I have absolutely mentioned it. I mean… it’s her name in my phone for crying out loud!
But they both ignore my protest, continuing to look each other in the eyes, whispering things to each other that I’d die to hear.
Lily’s lower lip starts trembling, and she sucks in a breath and says quietly, “Thank you.”
Carly shrugs one shoulder, and I wonder again what I’m missing, but one thing I know I’m not missing is the easy affection between my daughter and my girl. Mercy, they’re gonna kill me.
“Are we gonna stand out here all night bawling around in the freezing cold, or can we go in and get our Christmas on already?” Jack, ever the teenage boy.
“Let’s get inside,” Carly says, smiling at Lily, wrapping an arm around her shoulder.
Lily’s arm snakes around Carly’s waist, and I’m left standing on the steps.
Jack bumps my shoulder as he walks past me and slaps me on the back. “Come on. You promised me we’d cook and I’m hungry for some seafood chowder.”
“Yeah?”
“Mm-hmm. ‘Tis the season, yo!”
“You did not just say that.”
“Oh yeah, I did.”
“You’re as nerdy as me,” I tell him.
He chuckles, shaking his head.
We walk into the house, a house that’s quickly feeling like home. The fire is going in the corner, a Christmas movie is on the TV and the white lights on the tree are twinkling. I look around the room, feeling like I’m seeing a bit of what our future could look like, and now, more than ever, I want it.
Jack, Lily, and Carly are standing close to each other. Jack is showing Lily something on his phone. Lily looks up at Carly who’s nodding her head, and the three of them laugh together. Lily reaches up and snags the Santa hat off Jack’s head and fits it on her own before quickly darting away. Jack chases her and lifts her from behind, and I’m hit with what it would have looked like if Lily would have had a brother. And maybe, just maybe, she will.
The force of emotion coming over me is so physical I stumble back a few steps. I place my hand on my chest over my heart and swallow. Carly glances in my direction and smiles that perfect, sweet smile that makes my knees weak. She walks in my direction, and I reach out and pull her to me, not being able to stop myself.
I wrap my arms around her tight and once again bury my face in her hair.
“Thank you,” I murmur.
“For what?”
“For letting us be a part of your day.”
“James,” she says, her voice shaky.
“One day, Carly. You just gave me a glimpse of what could be, and I’m telling you right now, it will happen. When you’re in a better place, right along with me.”
“Yeah,” she agrees.
“Yo! James! Get your butt in here and help me! Don’t want to cook Christmas dinner by myself, man!”
Carly giggles and leans back then reaches up on her toes and kisses me on the cheek, her lips lingering before she says into my ear, “Better get in there to help my boy. Sounds like he needs you.”
My body shudders at her words. “What about you, Carly? Do you need me?”
“I… I’m beginning…”
“Beginning?”
“I mean, I think… maybe I do. But James. That scares me, you gotta know that.”
“Nothing to be scared about, baby. Because I need you, too. And Jack. We’re a needy bunch.” I grin.
“You need us?”
“I do. But right now, I’m gonna go help cook our Christmas dinner.”
She bites the corner of her bottom lip and tears spring to her eyes.
“Yeah.”
“One day,” I promise one more time then kiss her on the forehead before making my way into the kitchen.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Carly
I reach into the backseat of my car and grab the black handle of my rolled-up deep purple yoga mat. I absolutely love yoga. When I left Vince, I vowed I would never run again. It was always his thing for me to be a runner. After I started training with Tate, I decided my body needed more than the grueling
workouts I was getting with him. I also learned that yoga was a way for me to release all the bad that I kept carrying with me.
I had become a regular for six months, attending classes weekly, when one of the instructors asked if I would ever consider teaching a class or two a month, to relieve some of the stress on her. After talking with Tate, Jack, and Donna, they all encouraged me to do it. I started out teaching the classes with the students knowing I wasn’t certified. Slowly, I gained enough confidence that I did my hours, my classes and tests needed to become a valid yoga instructor.
It’s been a great way for me to meet people who aren’t students’ parents, and I’ve built a lot of wonderful relationships along the way, the best being Christine.
“What’s up, sugar plum?” Christine asks from behind me, causing me to yelp and almost lose my footing on the snowy parking lot. She laughs as I try to steady my breathing.
“You’re so annoying. It’s like you live for making me scream.”
“No, that’d be James. If he ever got the chance to make you scream, that is.”
“Christine!”
“What? I speak truth.”
“You’re so crass.”
“Whatever. You know it’s true. That boy is the definition of smitten. He’s one smitten kitten. And don’t you dare deny it. Besides, your eyes show you’re just as smitten as he is. You practically sigh out loud every time you see him.”
“I do not.”
“Oh you so do. And it’s awesome. I love seeing you like this.”
“Like what?” I ask as we continue to walk toward the studio, wrapping my coat around my body tighter. Even though I’ve lived in Michigan for three years now, the winter chill is still something I am getting used to. The cold temperature actually hurts my face.
“Happy.”
“I’ve always been happy,” I defend with a little snark in my tone that I don’t mean.
She slows her walking and turns to face me, placing her hand on my jacket-covered arm. “No, you haven’t. Not when I first met you. And every once in a while, I see something come over you. I don’t know what it is, but I can tell there’s something there that you can’t seem to shake. But when James is around? It’s gone. And I see this sense of calm in you that I’ve not seen before. I don’t get it. Why don’t you just let yourself give in?”
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