A Better Place

by Jennifer Van Wyk

  “Why are you laughing at me, James? I’m serious.” She pouts as if that’s going to work on me.

  “Oh, Nicole, no way in hell are you serious right now.” I wait for her to clue in as to why I’m laughing. But, shockingly, she looks completely serious. “No way could you possibly, even remotely, think that you feel anything sort of like love for me. Or for your daughter, for that matter. When you love someone, you put your needs aside. You don’t set out to destroy their world. You move past the shit that’s clouding your brain and pull up your big-girl pants and man up. You move mountains to get past your insecurities, your selfish desires. When you love someone, you would do anything in your power to see them succeed, to be happy. Your version of love is an F5 tornado, taking out everything in its path.”

  I stand up from the chair, walk around the desk Barrett built me in the newly renovated office of my restaurant, and stand in front of her. Her purse sat on the chair in front of my desk, and she seemed to be settling in to stay a while, but I had other plans.

  “You see, when I came home that day, I thought my world had been destroyed. I thought nothing could ever hurt as badly as seeing your stuff out of our closet. Out of our bathroom. Out of the home that we’d shared. But nothing — and I mean absolutely nothing — hurts worse than seeing the woman you love, with every fiber of your being, second guess that love you have for her, even if for a split second.

  “You did that. You not only destroyed me once. You tried to destroy me again, because you came at my girlfriend, the woman I love and plan to marry, plan to spend the rest of my life loving, and you made her question my love for her because of your petty bullshit, because of your jealousy that I finally had something good and you couldn’t bear to not be a part of it. But guess what? It backfired because she’s the strongest person I know and saw through all your crap. So, Nicole, thanks for loving me in that way. I can’t tell you how it makes me feel. If I had the same heart as you, I would wish you the grief you’ve given me, but you can thank your lucky stars that I don’t.”

  “James… if I put that doubt in her mind…”

  “Don’t. Don’t you even dare finish that sentence,” I tell her, my voice low and angry, even to my own ears. I won’t allow her to stand here and spout off shit she knows nothing about, or belittle the woman I love. “You have no idea the things Carly has overcome. She’s the strongest woman I know, and when life about killed her, when her world imploded around her, she didn’t run for the hills. She didn’t tuck her tail between her legs and only think of herself. She remained tall and changed her world. She was strong because she stood at her weakest, and she survived. No, scratch that. She conquered.”

  “So this girl…”

  “Woman,” I correct her.

  She rolls her eyes dramatically.

  “Woman — excuse me—” Her snarky tone has me clenching my fists. “—is perfect. Just because she didn’t have a momentary glimpse of panic? I’m supposed to be punished forever because of that?”

  “You didn’t have a momentary glimpse, Nic. You had almost two full decades of panic. You abandoned your daughter! You left your husband, and without an explanation. Without any knowledge of where you were until I received the divorce papers in the mail!”

  “I’m sorry, okay! I’m sorry! I didn’t know what else to do!” She cries and wipes a tear, as if I believe for a second that it’s real. “Our lives… they were just so… ordinary,” she says, shaking her head and looking away for a moment. “I felt like I was living every day the exact same way. I felt like I was suffocating.”

  “That’s no excuse,” I say quietly. “Nic. Everyone’s lives are ordinary. Don’t you get that? The ordinary is what makes our lives extraordinary. The everyday crap that you felt sucked the life out of you? That’s the amazing that you missed. You missed watching Lily learn everything. Everything! Riding a bike, going to kindergarten, writing her name, her first at bat in t-ball, learning to swim, trying her hand at ballet and realizing she was far too energetic for it. Her first starring role in the school play when she was just a freshman. The gleam in her eyes when she came home after volunteering for the first time, realizing that she had found something she wanted to do forever. Every volleyball game she played, every hurdle she jumped in track meets. Failing and succeeding in different things she was courageous enough to try along the way. You missed her friendships and seeing her navigate through life. You missed her first date, her first dance, the prom? Yeah — I wasn’t exactly much help when it came time to choose a dress, seeing as I wanted her in a burlap sack. You missed her getting her period. Did you know that I had to have Tess come and talk her through everything? Because, in case you didn’t know it, I’m a man. A man who has never experienced the joy of having a period.”

  I stop talking long enough to let it all sink in before I continue. “Nineteen years,” I murmur. “Nineteen years she went without a mother. Nineteen damn years she had to celebrate Mother’s Day without one. Do you have any idea what feeling as if you’ve been abandoned does to a young girl? Do you have any idea what it’s like for her friends to be making crafts for their moms at school, only to not have a mother to make anything for? Because if you had any idea, any clue as to what your departure did to her, to me, you wouldn’t be standing here right now, justifying your actions because you were bored.”

  “I’m not justifying my actions, James! I’m apologizing. There’s a difference.”

  “Apology accepted. I forgave you years ago because living with that kind of hate for you only festered and didn’t make me a man I could be proud of. So, I moved on. Do you hear me? I moved on. From you. From the life I had envisioned and thought we could have together. Honestly, maybe I should thank you. Because if it weren’t for you destroying our lives, we wouldn’t be in a better place now. We would be stuck living with a bitter and selfish, ugly soul.

  “Move on, Nic. Once again. You managed to do it before without so much as a backward glance, aside from sending the divorce papers, and I suggest you do it again.”

  “How can you be so cruel?” she has the guts to ask.

  “How can…” I scoff and shake my head, hardly believing the craziness coming out of her mouth right now. “The truth hurts, Nic. I’m sorry that the truth is something that hurts you. I’m sorry that your truth is hard to hear. But I’m not going to apologize for you hearing it. If you seriously thought you could come back here, say you’re sorry, and we would all go skip away into a happily-ever-after, then you must have been on some serious drugs while you were away.”

  “We have a daughter together,” she says, ridiculously.

  “Still on that? No, as far as I’m concerned, you donated an egg. Don’t come back here and screw up the wonderful young woman Lily has become. She’s so beyond everything I had ever wished for. She’s kind, loving, caring, would rather poke herself in the eye than hurt someone. She’s intelligent, hardworking, grounded, and most of all… she’s mine. You’re not a parent to her. And don’t, for a second, think you’re going to go to her and change that.”

  “He’s right.” I hear my daughter’s quiet voice speak up.

  I didn’t realize she was here, obviously. She walks into the office, wide eyes brimming with tears as she looks at the woman she no doubt only remembers from pictures. Her hands, that I know are shaky, are clasped tightly in front of her to obviously not let her weakness show. Somehow, they didn’t see each other at Emily’s wedding. I had hoped I had dodged the bullet.

  “Lily…” My ex-wife’s voice is one of awe.

  I get that. Lily grew up to be a beautiful young lady, and that’s not just because I’m biased. She’s been approached to model simply from her pictures on her social media accounts, but she’d never do it. She’s a humanitarian at heart and would never want to be seen in that light. Not that there’s anything wrong with celebrating outer beauty, but her greatest fear is allowing her outside affect who she is on the inside. Her beauty shines from within, and she’s matur
e enough to recognize that.

  “Nicole,” my daughter says.

  I doubt she thought twice about what name to call her. Mom would never have crossed her mind.

  Nicole, however, flinches a bit but recovers quickly. “You’re… oh my gosh, Lily. You’re beautiful.”

  “Thanks. I take after Aunt Tess and Dad.”

  Nicole has the good grace to nod her head, hardly being able to deny what Lily just said.

  “You do. But it’s more than that,” she says, still in awe. “You should model.” And there it is, the exact reason why she wouldn’t want to get into modeling.

  Lily doesn’t waver, just continues on as if Nic hadn’t even spoken words that she’s heard too many times to count. “Like I said, I take after Tess and Dad. What are you doing here?”

  Nicole blows out a breath as if she’s getting ready to start the same speech she just gave me, but I interrupt her, not being willing to let her spew her bullshit onto my daughter. “Just leaving. She was just leaving.”

  “No, I…”

  “Was. Just. Leaving. We’re done here, Nicole. Leave. Just like I told you at the wedding. You aren’t welcome here, you understand me? Stay away from Lily. Stay away from Carly. Stay away from me.”

  “Like I said, he’s right. You aren’t my parent. You’re nothing to me,” Lily says in a tone I’ve never heard before. It’s completely void of any emotion, as is her face.

  “Lily,” I say and reach out to her, but she hastily pulls away from me.

  “No, she’s not getting it,” Lily tells me then turns to Nicole. “We. Don’t. Want. You. Here. The best day of our lives was when you let your selfishness shine through and left us. So go back to whatever hole you crawled out of to come back here. And do us a favor. Crawl back into that hole and never come back.”

  “Lily!” Nicole shouts in an admonished tone before she turns to me and points an accusatory finger in my direction. “Is this…”

  “What? Is this how I raised her?”

  “I didn’t mean…”

  “Sure you did. See, I may not have been around you for most of my life, but I still remember you. I still know how you think. You were about to accuse my daughter of not being respectful. The thing is, the thing that you missed because you left is that I have never heard her speak to another human being like this. And no, the only thing I ever told her was that you left. The rest? She figured that out all on her own. Was that wrong?”

  Lily moves over now, stands next to me and reaches for my hand with hers and gives it a light squeeze. I know my daughter. This act is done with deliberation. She wants me to see that she’s here with me. She wants Nicole to see that she and I are a team. She also isn’t done.

  “And if I hear that you have contact with one of the best women I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting, and quite frankly more of a mom to me in just a few short weeks than I felt from you in the entire twenty-two years of my life, you’ll see just how disrespectful I can be. At one time, I thought you had broken me. You made me think there was something wrong with me. I mean, what kind of mom leaves? It has to be because the kid is bad, right?” Lily demands, her voice rising, and the tears now streaming down her face. She angrily wipes at them, no doubt upset that she’s showing her emotions in front of Nicole.

  “It wasn’t you, baby girl,” Nicole pleads.

  “And how was I to know that? I was three years old! THREE!” Lily shouts as she points to herself. She throws an arm in my direction and glances my way. She straightens and takes a deep breath, swallowing the last of her tears. “Dad’s right. He taught me everything. He was there for everything. And when he couldn’t be there because it was too weird or whatever, Aunt Tess was there. You don’t get it. You left. You chose that.” She points at Nicole then spreads her arms out low beside her. “We didn’t. But maybe we should be thanking you. You leaving was the best thing ever. I may not have grown up with two parents, but I grew up with the best parent I could have ever asked for. Thanks, Mom,” she says the name like acid is on her tongue, “for teaching me what not to be as a mother. Thank you for teaching me what not to be like as a wife to someone. Thank you for that. Oh… and if it wasn’t me, it was Dad? This man? This incredible man who gave up all his dreams for me? Who put his life on hold for me?” she asks, pointing to me as if Nicole didn’t know who she was talking about.

  “No,” Nicole says, shaking her head adamantly.

  “Oh, it was just your boring life, then?”

  “You don’t understand,” Nicole pleads.

  “Well, that’s the only thing you’ve said tonight that I can agree with. I don’t understand. And no amount of explaining can make me understand. I think we’re done here,” Lily says, her voice a little wobbly but still sure.

  “Lily,” Nicole says, reaching a hand out to her.

  “No,” she says simply, pulling back so her mom can’t get close to her.

  “You’re saying that’s it? You won’t even listen?”

  “We listened. We also don’t care. We have a great life, and you aren’t a part of it.” My voice isn’t wobbly in the least.

  Nicole’s face is one of pure shock, and I’m pretty sure the tears that have formed in her eyes are very real, but I still don’t waver, and neither does Lily.

  “I just… I’m sorry. I want you to know that. Leaving is my greatest regret in life.”

  I nod my head, completely done with this. “Bye, Nicole,” I tell her, finally able to get the words out that she selfishly didn’t allow me to give her so many years ago.

  She picks up her purse from the chair and sighs heavily, which just raises my irritation level.

  Lily looks at me and raises her eyebrows which causes me to have to pinch my lips together to keep myself from laughing.

  With a weird parting look from Nicole, where I’m pretty sure she was hoping for us to yell out for her to stop, she walks through the door and out of our lives once again. Only difference this time is that we got to see her leave, got to tell her goodbye, and we’re both pretty damn happy about it.

  Lily doesn’t miss a beat before she turns to me and grabs my hands in hers. “Well now, that was fun.”

  I almost choke on a laugh. She’s such a good kid. I can’t imagine my life without her. For a second, I feel sorry for Nicole. For leaving, for not experiencing a world where Lily was a part of it. It’s a very, very brief second.

  “Wasn’t it?”

  “What was she thinking?”

  “Not a clue. You doing okay? With all that?”

  “Why wouldn’t I be?”

  “I don’t know. Because despite everything I just said, she is your mom. Maybe not in the way either of us think of as a mom, but still.”

  “Yeah, I’m more than okay with that, Dad. You gotta know I moved on from her long ago. I was lucky. I had you. I had Aunt Tess and Aunt Meredith. I had Nana Deb. And now? Now I have Carly.”

  At her mention of Carly, my entire being relaxes.

  “Carly?” I ask her, needing to be sure that it’s not just me. That we both feel it.

  “Yeah. She’s great. I would love her even if you two weren’t together. You don’t even realize, but she and I text or talk on the phone every day.”

  Just then my phone starts ringing, and she smiles, as if she knows exactly who would be calling me.

  I don’t hesitate.

  I answer.

  To my future.

  To the love of my life.

  To my forever.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  Carly

  This isn’t real life. I mean, this type of thing doesn’t happen to real live people. Well, obviously, it wouldn’t happen to dead people. Or at least they wouldn’t notice. But, alas, here I am, dealing with birds. In my fireplace. Or, rather, my wood-burning stove. They’re flapping their little wings around, hitting the glass with gusto, and all I can think is well, the little miscreants made their way in there. They can surely find their way out.

  “
James, there are two of Santa’s helpers flying around in my fireplace.”

  “Come again?” he asks, humor lacing in his voice through my phone.

  “There’s birds! Birds everywhere! Flying around in my fireplace!” I yell into the phone, flapping my arms and thanking the good Lord above that James is not here to see me. “They keep hitting the little glass window, trying to fly back up the chimney, but their stupid tiny little brains can’t figure out how to get back out, so they just keep banging and banging and banging…”

  The sound of James’s roaring laughter cuts off my description of the hell I was currently living. Jack is at a friend’s house working on an end-of-the semester class project, and I thought I had the house to myself for a quiet evening. Visions of my Kindle and a chilled glass of Moscato danced in my head. A piece of the holy-hell-this-is-so-good-I-could-marry-it chocolate cake, which was covered in a mountain of chocolate frosting that James brought over for New Year’s Eve was also calling my name. Day two of school being back in session after the holiday break has me — as well as the kiddos — wiped out. But, as I said… alas, I’m dealing with birds. Damn birds.

  “O-o-oh, baby, say bang one more time,” James says in a low voice.

  “Seriously?! Seriously?!”

  “Carly, girl,” he says, cracking up. “There’s no one on the planet who manages to get herself into weirder situations than you. Not even Tess, and she once somehow got herself tangled in fishing line, fell down, and broke her ankle in the process. And we weren’t even fishing. The pole was sitting in the garage minding its own business.”

  I laugh, just picturing the entire thing unfold. Tess isn’t really accident-prone so much as just found herself in odd situations and was never able to just sit and relax. And when Lauren was involved, it seemed like it happened more often. Especially if they were working out. And then that one time when Tess thought she’d be extra ambitious and try to do a couple cartwheels when Maggie said that she didn’t believe she could do them anymore. But tell Tess she can’t do something, and she is not going to go down without a fight. After Maggie was proven right, Tess kept saying she was pretty sure she broke her tailbone. Still not sure how that happened.