April Fools

by Mari Carr

  She was living a dream life, her days spent surrounded by her best friends, living on coffee and donuts as they laughed their asses off, trying to out-joke each other. With the show’s continued success, the list of famous people who wanted cameos or even recurring bit parts had grown, and Fiona had actually walked down the red carpet the last two years, climbing the stairs with the guys to the stage to accept an Emmy for Outstanding Writing in a Comedy Series.

  Pop Pop told her she lived under a lucky star, and she believed him. She was twenty-five years old and her life rocked.

  It was actually Owen and Asher who’d suggested filming the season finale in Baltimore at her family’s pub. They’d come up with a great gag that was tailor-made for an East Coast trip to the Irish pub. Owen’s first visit to the pub had been for Thanksgiving their sophomore year in college, during the three minutes the two of them had actually dated.

  Ever since, he’d always found a way to finagle an invite back, claiming he couldn’t survive a year that didn’t include Aunt Riley’s turkey and dressing. Of course, he wasn’t the only “extra” sitting around the Thanksgiving table. Once someone was unofficially adopted into the Collins family, they were in for life.

  Asher had come home with her the last few summers for long weekends just to get away from the hubbub of Hollywood. He was also very quickly indoctrinated into the family, so she shouldn’t have been surprised when they hit her up with the idea of filming in the pub. They loved the place as much as she did.

  Her family had embraced the idea wholeheartedly and talked of nothing else since. Fiona had nearly canceled when Mia passed away, but Padraig and Pop Pop had both vetoed that decision, insisting that the show go on. She was a bit worried that was why Padraig was clearing out, hence the reason she’d asked him to lunch. If he decided having the show here would bother him, she was pulling the plug no matter what anyone else said.

  “You’re sure your decision to leave isn’t because of the show?”

  Padraig narrowed his eyes. “I’m only saying this one more time, Fiona. You have to film that show here. For one thing, it would be huge for business, and for another, it’s going to give everyone else the same break I’m trying to get. I haven’t been the only one hurting these past few months. I’m grateful to have you and your friends here. Filming that sitcom will give everyone something good, something fun, to focus on for a little while. They need that. They deserve that after all they’ve done for me.”

  She sighed and accepted his words. “Okay.” She smiled and squeezed his hand tighter. “Okay,” she repeated.

  He squeezed her hand back, then released it to take a sip of his soda.

  “Actually, you’re probably smart to escape this week. The producer is calling for some last-minute rewrites, and setting up the cameras and doing the blocking is going to be tedious as hell. The majority of the cast isn’t even showing up until the week you get back. Not to mention, I’ve gotta try to deal with the ultimate diva himself, Owen Winters. Ever since he won that second Emmy for Best Actor in a Comedy, he’s been impossible to live with.”

  Padraig feigned shock. “What? Owen? A diva? No way. Playboy maybe, but diva?”

  “The man is a menace.”

  Her cousin wasn’t fooled by her words. “He’s been one of your best friends since freshman year at USC. You would have dumped him seven years ago if that was really the case.”

  “I did dump him. Sophomore year. He’s like herpes. Keeps coming back.”

  Padraig tilted his head and lifted one shoulder, a sure sign he was about to start teasing her. “The way Owen tells it, he dumped you.”

  “We dated for three minutes. That was all the time I needed to know he wasn’t my type.”

  Padraig smiled. “In truth, Fee, I’ve always thought Owen was your type, more than that Brock guy anyway.”

  Fiona glanced around the restaurant. No one was nearby, so she decided to come clean. “Brock and I broke up.”

  “Good.” It was a simple one-word answer that confirmed she was right to start breaking this news with Padraig.

  Fiona giggled. “Yeah. It is.”

  “It was long overdue. The two of you were apart more than together, and it never sounded like your paths were headed in the same direction. Can I add that I hope you dumped him?”

  Her grin grew. “I did. I totally did. In February.”

  “Man. I guess I am out of the loop if I’m just now hearing about it.”

  She shook her head. “You’re not. Actually, you are the loop. I haven’t told anyone else.”

  “Why not?”

  Fiona shrugged. “I wanted to make sure it stuck this time.”

  “Will it?” Padraig asked.

  She didn’t hesitate to nod. “It’s sticking.”

  “Good,” Padraig repeated. “So it’s time for you to find a nice guy. Owen—”

  She scowled. “No way. He has an overinflated opinion of himself. Trust me when I say, no one will ever love Owen more than he loves himself.”

  “Me thinks she doth protest too much.”

  “Wow, Paddy. You’re a regular poet. Come up with that all on your own?”

  “Then what about your other fella? Asher. He’s a nice guy.”

  Fiona grinned at her cousin’s attempts at matchmaking. “He’s very nice. But we’ve drifted too far over the line in our relationship. He’s like a brother to me. I know too much about him and he knows way too much about me.”

  “You’re protesting again.”

  Fiona rolled her eyes and growled.

  Padraig winked at her, and they started eating again. She was delighted when he picked up his burger and actually took a big bite. Hope emerged. Padraig was going to be okay.

  “Whoa, Fee. You might wanna take it easy on the grease there,” Owen said, hip-bumping her over in the booth so he could sit down and grab a couple fries from her plate.

  Owen was terrible at greetings, something she constantly gave him shit for. He’d come in, interrupt whatever was happening with a conversation of his own choosing, then realize several minutes in that he hadn’t even said hello. They’d actually written that habit into the show as a running gag, and it always got a lot of laughs.

  “Get your own,” she said, tugging her plate away.

  Owen ignored her and continued stealing fries.

  “So you guys made it to Baltimore, huh? Asher and Teddy here?” she asked.

  “Yeah. We got to the hotel about an hour ago. They’re unpacking.”

  “Owen,” Padraig said, reaching out to shake his hand. “It’s good to see you again.”

  “Oh yeah. Hey, Paddy. You too, man. I’m fucking starving. Food on the plane was shit.” Owen pushed Fiona’s hands away easily, grabbing her burger and helping himself to two big bites before returning it to the plate.

  She leaned back and sighed. Owen thought with three things: his dick, his stomach and then his brain, which was a distant third in the lineup. She shoved the rest of her lunch toward him. “Here. I don’t want it anymore. It has your boy cooties on it.”

  Owen reached over her for the salt and vinegar, pouring both on the fries before digging in with gusto. And that was when the light went on and Owen realized he’d forgotten to say hello. He put the food down and focused on her cousin. “Damn. I’m sorry about that. How are you doin’, P? I’ve been thinking about you a lot.”

  “I’m hanging in there.”

  “I was really sorry to hear about Mia. She was awesome. The best.”

  Padraig nodded his thanks. “She was.” Then he quickly changed the subject. “Fiona tells me you have a couple busy weeks ahead of you.”

  Owen, bless him, took the subject switch in stride, recognizing the fact Padraig didn’t want to talk about his loss. “Same shit, different coast. Going to be cool filming the finale here in the pub. Nice of your family to let us take over like this.”

  “Pop Pop is beside himself, really excited about it. He’s been practicing that line you’ve given h
im for weeks. Starting to remind me of that old Seinfeld gag with all his different renditions. ‘These pretzels are making me thirsty.’”

  They laughed as Padraig wiped his mouth and glanced around. “Guess I better start saying my goodbyes. Want to get on the road by two, so I’m not trying to find my way to that cabin in the woods in the dark. Thanks for the company, Fee.”

  She nodded. “Gonna miss you. If you get bored, come back early, okay?”

  “I’ll be home in one week, ready to wow those cameras of yours with my bartending skills.”

  They all stood, Padraig giving her a hug then shaking Owen’s hand again. He headed toward the kitchen, starting his farewells with Riley.

  Fiona studied Owen’s appearance, aware that he’d done well to hide his identity on the walk from the hotel to the pub. Owen preferred the hipster look, and he was working it today. With his beard, knit cap, and colorful tats peeking out beneath the short sleeves of his dark gray T-shirt, strangers would probably pass him on the street assuming he was a musician in a grunge band, until they took a harder look and realized he was a TV star.

  She sat back down and Owen followed her in, reclaiming the same spot. She pointed across the booth. “Other side is free now.”

  He leaned back, resting his arm along the bench seat, ignoring her. “Feels good to be back.” Owen glanced around the restaurant. “Forgot how pretty the girls are in Baltimore. And on this coast, my fame and good looks seems more potent, you know what I mean? Less competition once I’m out of Hollywood.”

  “Is that the real reason you suggested filming in Baltimore? So you could hold the monopoly on TV star?”

  He gave her a wink that was annoyingly charming, even though his words aggravated the shit out of her. “I like getting laid. It’s going to be a busy month.”

  Sometimes she wondered why she hung out with Owen. When he started strutting and bragging about his fame or his sexual conquests, she was hard-pressed not to throat punch him.

  “We’re here to work, remember?”

  Owen turned to face her, and Fiona was forced to admit why his flirty nature never truly bothered her. He really was hot. And funny. And while he pretended to be a ladies’ man, she suspected a lot of that was more bluster than truth.

  “Work is play, you know that.”

  “I’m surprised you’re okay with this trip. Thought you were in love with…what’s-her-name?”

  He chuckled. “Ashley Four. It’s over. She was a stage-ten clinger.”

  Fiona rolled her eyes. “Of course. How could I forget that name?” She and the other guys had taken to numbering his girlfriends with the same names in an attempt to distinguish who exactly they were talking about. So far, they’d had to tabulate up to four Ashleys, three Brittanys and two Amandas. “Do me a favor. Next time you meet an Ashley, walk away. It hasn’t been a good name for you.”

  “I’ll keep that in mind, but I’m not making any promises. If she’s got nice tits, I’m going for five.”

  “You’re a pig.”

  He laughed. “You know I’m just trying to get a rise out of you. Why don’t we text Teddy and Asher and tell them to bring their laptops and we’ll work from here? Figure we can knock out the changes Al wanted better if we’re in the pub.”

  Fiona made a buzzer noise to indicate he’d given the wrong answer. “Errrr. No. No work will happen in the pub because you’ll start ordering pitchers, gossiping about Hollywood stars with Pop Pop and his cronies, and we’ll all be three sheets to the wind before dusk.”

  As always, Owen ignored her and sent off the text. Teddy replied instantly that they would be there in five. Owen, Teddy and Asher were sharing a suite at a hotel just around the corner.

  Fiona had opted for staying at the Collins Dorm above the pub while she was home, sleeping in Caitlyn and Ailis’s old room. It had been dubbed the Collins Dorm by Aunt Riley when the grandkids began moving into the spacious apartment where their parents had lived with Pop Pop while growing up.

  Unlike most of her cousins, Fiona had never lived in Baltimore, her childhood spent on a tour bus with her parents and Ailis. Fiona had always loved life on the move, a different city every night, while Ailis had been less fond of it.

  The second Ailis graduated from high school, she’d set up camp in Baltimore, determined to make up for every second of the time she’d lost with the family while growing up. That decision lasted only a few years until her homebody sister fell in love with someone just like their dear old dad, Sky Mitchell. Which meant Ailis was back on the road, on another tour bus, with Hunter Maxwell. Hunter’s star was on the rise, and Fiona couldn’t be happier for him. The guy was seriously talented, but more than that, he was just as head over heels for Ailis as her sister was for him. They fit together perfectly, and for the first time in her life, Fiona actually felt a bit jealous of her quiet, responsible, dependable, sensible sister.

  Her oldest cousin, Caitlyn, had also moved out of the dorm, opting to live with her uber-hot billionaire boyfriend, Lucas Whiting, which meant there was an empty bedroom in the apartment for her to use.

  Fiona had never felt the need to live near the family and was cool with just visiting from time to time. Baltimore was freaking cold in the winter, and after four years of college in sunny California, she’d discovered she was made for heat, not snow.

  But that didn’t mean she didn’t sometimes regret missing out on so much. Her family was, hands down, the greatest, craziest, most fun crew in the world, and there’d been too many Facetime conversations where she’d found herself jealous not to be in the same room.

  She was in Baltimore for a month, and Fiona intended to take advantage of that time, to immerse herself in a true Collins lifestyle.

  Her cousin Yvonne came over to clear their table. “Hey, Owen, when did you get here?”

  “Just a few minutes ago. Good to see you again, Yvonne.”

  “Did you want to order anything?” she asked.

  The asshole rubbed his full stomach, claiming he couldn’t eat another bite. Fiona decided hitting the pub side probably wasn’t such a bad thing. She was still hungry and in the mood for Aunt Riley’s spicy shrimp appetizer. God, Owen wasn’t wrong. Too long in Baltimore, around all this good cooking, and she was destined to gain fifty pounds. She’d have to take Yvonne up on her invitation to go running in the morning with her and her BFF, Leo.

  “We’re heading over to the pub side, waiting for the other guys so we can do some work,” Owen said, rising from the booth and reaching down to help her out. Fiona gave him a funny look, not used to his chivalry. Then she decided he was probably putting on a show for Yvonne. The guy was a master at charming women. Except her, of course. For one thing, she wasn’t fooled by his act, and for another, Owen had put her firmly in the one-of-the-guys category years ago. Right after their breakup in college.

  “Cool,” Yvonne said. “Uncle Tris is working. He can set you up with drinks. I’ll stop by once the other two get here and see if they want some food.”

  Owen gave Yvonne a smile and a wink and then they headed for a corner booth in the pub. Uncle Tris waved to indicate he’d seen them and would be over in a minute. The bar was relatively quiet right now, but Fiona knew that would change as soon as five o’clock hit and folks started heading in for their happy hours.

  They hadn’t been there a full minute before Teddy and Asher walked in, looking around. Owen gave them a wave. He’d claimed the seat next to her again, but she didn’t bother to mention it since she knew the other guys were coming.

  Asher slid in first, sitting across from her, and Teddy followed. She grinned as she watched both men do exactly what she expected. Asher pulled his laptop from the case, firing it up, clearly ready to get straight to work.

  Meanwhile, Teddy’s eyes had yet to land on anyone at the table. He was doing his usual scan of the room in search of available guys.

  “Slim pickings,” he murmured before catching a glimpse of Tris behind the bar. “Well hello, mount
ain man. I wouldn’t mind taking a drink from your tap, Daddy.”

  Fiona crinkled her nose. “Um…gross. That’s my uncle Tris, Teddy. He’s very married and very straight.”

  Teddy sighed. “That’s a loss for our side. No worries though. I’ve been exploring Tinder, and while the Beach Boys might long for California girls, I’m not going to lie, Maryland has some very fine boys.”

  Asher pushed his glasses up on his nose, tsking quietly. He was the hottest nerd on the planet, something Fiona liked to tease him about. He was Clark Kent incarnate with his dark clean-cut hairstyle and black-rimmed glasses that did nothing to hide his ice-blue eyes, only serving to accentuate his strong jawline.

  Fiona sighed. She really needed to stop looking at her best friends so closely. It did nothing to improve her current dateless, sexless, horny state.

  “We’re only here a few weeks, Teddy. Isn’t it wrong to try to find someone on Tinder when you’re not planning on sticking around? You’d be leading them on.”

  Teddy wrapped his arm around Asher’s shoulders in a friendly manner, even as his face revealed something more like pity. “I always forget how young and innocent you are, my son. There’s this little thing called a hookup, Ash. It’s all about the three F’s. Foreplay, forward thrusting and farewell. The only man with whom I’d ever consider exploring the fourth F—forever—is you, and you refuse to come out of the closet.”

  Owen and Fiona both laughed as Asher closed his eyes in his typical praying-for-patience style. “I’ve told you a million times, Ted. I’m not gay.”

  Teddy shrugged his shoulders as if the words meant nothing. This joke was nothing new. In fact, in their little foursome of comedy writers, they probably shared no less than a hundred inside jokes, and this one was the oldest.

  Funny how it never really got old.

  Teddy wiggled his eyebrows. “Come on, Ash. Come to the dark side. It’s fun over here. We have lightsabers.”

  Asher, their eternal straight man—literally and figuratively—shook his head. “You, me and Owen have been roommates since freshman year of college. I’ve seen both of your lightsabers a thousand times. Believe me, neither has tempted me to give up Princess Leia’s buns.”