Annie Burrows

by Reforming the Viscount

  He was standing, shirtless, by his washstand, looking as though he’d just tipped the entire contents of the jug over his head. Water dripped from his hair, trickled down his chest and dripped from his chin into the basin over which he was leaning. He whirled round, glared at her, then reached for a towel and began mopping at his face and chest. ‘What do you want?’ He raked her body with an insolent appraisal. ‘I am in no mood to satisfy your desires tonight. You should leave.’

  He looked dangerously angry. But she stood her ground. She had learned something from Rose today. If you loved a man, then it was worth fighting for him.

  ‘I am not going to leave,’ she declared. ‘Not until I have...apologised.’

  ‘You think an apology will make it all better? I am not a child.’ He flung the wet towel on to the wash stand and planted his hands on his hips.

  ‘No. I do not think an apology will make it better.’ She put her lantern on the floor. ‘But at least an explanation might help you to understand.’

  ‘I very much doubt it.’ He took a pace towards her. ‘Get out of here, Lydia,’ he growled. ‘Before I pick you up and throw you out.’

  ‘If you do that, I will scream. And everyone will know that I have been in your room. There will be a scandal.’

  ‘You think I care?’ He advanced another step, a look of cold purpose on his face. ‘You think a man who has just had his hopes and dreams shattered, had his heart broken for the second time by the same deceitful, treacherous, self-centred woman, will really care about dragging her name through the mud?’

  ‘I never meant to break your heart.’

  He placed his hands round her waist.

  ‘I never even suspected you loved me.’

  He lifted her off the floor and began to walk her towards the door.

  If she didn’t think of something, fast, she was going to be out on the corridor with the door bolted in her face.

  Chapter Fifteen

  ‘Nicholas, please, listen to me! It wasn’t all my fault! You swore you didn’t want to get married. You made me believe we could never be more than friends!’

  He came to a standstill, his jaw working.

  ‘And I couldn’t tell you about Cissy. My guardian said he didn’t want me bringing shame to the family by admitting we had someone like that in it. He made me promise never to speak about her to any man, until after I’d got a proposal from him.’

  ‘You didn’t tell me about her. And I proposed.’

  ‘I would have told you if you’d given me a chance. But you ran from the room the minute the words left your lips. And you didn’t come back, Nicholas. You didn’t come back.’

  His fingers were digging into her flesh. He wouldn’t look at her, but at least he’d stopped his inexorable march to the door.

  ‘I...I concede that it would have been difficult for you to break your word,’ he grated, lowering her to the floor.

  ‘Yes.’

  He still looked grim, but at least he was listening.

  ‘I dared not tell anyone. He had made me agree to so many restrictions in return for funding me for that Season. And I dared not break any of them, for fear of what he might do to Cissy. He’d already sent her away from home. He wouldn’t tell me where he’d sent her. He said it was none of my business. That he was her guardian and it was for him to dictate her fate. Especially since he was obliged to pay for it.’

  ‘The man sounds like a complete bastard,’ he said grimly.

  ‘N-no, to be fair, my father had left his affairs in rather a mess. And the poor man, coming into what he thought was going to be a handsome estate, found only debts and dependants when he came to take possession.’

  ‘Still, he had no need to be so unkind...’

  ‘I don’t think he saw what he did as being unkind. He funded me out of his own pocket, you know. And I think he genuinely believed that Cissy would be better off being...looked after by professionals.’

  He winced as she used the very same phrase he’d used himself. It was hard to deliver such a cruel reminder of the things he’d said, but she had to make her point.

  ‘Maybe there are places where the warders are kind to the inmates, but that was not the case at the place she was in. They...’ She shuddered. ‘They...they tried to...cure her. She was upset and confused when she first got there, because our father had just died and then this stranger walked into our house and told us our home was no longer ours, but his.’

  ‘Stranger?’

  ‘Yes. We had never met him before. He was some cousin of my father’s, I think. I can’t really recall. That time was so upsetting. The estate was entailed and, because my brother had died, it passed to the nearest—’

  ‘Male relative, yes, I understand all about entails.’

  ‘And then he sent her away to a place where they just locked her in her room, saying she was being difficult and had to learn to behave. Then they did other things to her, too. Barbaric things. All in the name of treatment. So that by the time we found out where she was, Colonel Morgan and I, she was...an absolute mess. That scene, the day you arrived...well it was as nothing compared to the state she was in then.’

  He hitched in an affronted breath.

  ‘Do you seriously believe that I am the kind of man who would condemn any fellow human to such suffering...?’

  ‘No! No—not deliberately. But I don’t suppose my guardian knew what that place was really like either. He just took advice from some medical man he knew and packed her off there without even looking at it. He had a horror of that kind of infirmity and never set foot in the place, to my knowledge. But anyway, no matter what kind of place it is, or how pleasant the staff might be, I promised Cissy that I would never send her away from home again. And I never will. I couldn’t be so cruel!’

  ‘I see,’ he said, his face bleak. ‘And I would have seen much sooner, had you deigned to tell me.’

  He stared at her grimly, folding his arms across his naked chest.

  She wasn’t reaching him.

  ‘How could I Nicholas? You didn’t c-come back,’ she hiccupped, as a tear ran down her cheek. ‘I...I suppose you are going to say I should have waited for you. That I should have believed that you would return...that I...should have trusted you. But...you are right about me. I do find it hard to trust anyone. I compare myself to Rose at that age...’ She shook her head, furiously swiping at the tears which were running down both cheeks now. ‘She is so strong. So confident. But then she has always been sheltered, and loved...not like...m-me.’

  ‘Oh, please...’

  ‘No. No, you have to listen. My whole family started to fall apart when I was only ten. When my brother brought the measles home from school, we both, Cissy and I, took it from him. T-Thomas had never been all that strong and died quite quickly. Cissy seemed as if she was getting better, only to relapse into some sort of brain fever. Mama and Papa were distraught. Mama seemed to just...give up. She died not long after we buried Thomas. And then Papa buried himself...in a bottle. He knew that Cissy became almost deaf, but I don’t think he ever grasped the full extent of her problems. But I took care of her from then on. So I knew...’

  She paused, grappling for the right words. ‘It was as though her mind stopped growing. As though her ability to grow up was destroyed, somehow, during that brain fever. B-but that was not all. I didn’t see it before you challenged me tonight, but I think I was damaged, too. You see...’ she gulped ‘...my parents were devastated by losing their son, the heir. And Papa was also upset by Cissy’s hearing loss. But the fact that I made a full recovery didn’t seem to mean anything. I was no consolation to anyone. And though I tried and tried to make things better for him, and for Cissy, nothing worked.

  ‘I think I got so used to not mattering, that when I came to London for my Season, I just couldn’t believe anyone could love me. Let alone a man like you...’

  She caught at her lower lip and hung her head. She felt his arm go round her shoulders.

  ‘Come
,’ he said, leading her to the bed and sitting her down on it. ‘I can see that my attitude didn’t help you to place your faith in me back then. You were going through a kind of hell, and I was...’

  He took his arm away and clasped his hands between his knees.

  ‘One by one, all the adults around you, all the people you should have been able to rely on, had all let you down.’

  ‘Not deliberately.’

  ‘But they did it just the same.’

  He stared at the floorboards between his feet. ‘You learned you had only yourself to rely on, even before that guardian came along and taught you that men could be selfish and cruel, as well as unreliable.’

  She nodded.

  ‘He saw straight away that Cissy was not behaving like a normal fourteen-year-old. It was more obvious to him than Papa, who...had not been looking at anything clearly for a long time.’

  ‘No wonder,’ he said grimly, ‘you developed a will of iron. You hid it under a façade of meekness, but underneath that gentle demeanour you displayed during your Season, you were determined to find a husband. And not just any husband, but one you could persuade to let you have Cissy back. And all this time I thought...well, even after you told me, just yesterday, that you’d driven a hard bargain with your Colonel, I assumed it was because you were too delicate to go out and work for a living.’

  She pulled herself up straight.

  ‘People are always making that mistake about me and I hate it! Everyone thinks I am some fragile blossom that needs protecting, a silly chit with no brain in my head...’ She drew in a shuddering great breath, her tears evaporating in the heat of anger.

  ‘I could have tolerated having to work for a living, if it had only been me. But if I had become a governess, or a teacher, how would I ever have had either the freedom, or the means, to find her, rescue her and give her a home? Perhaps I should have defied my guardian and broken my promise, and told you all about her. Perhaps I should have listened to my heart and taken a chance on being able to change your mind about marriage, but I loved you. How could I trap you into a relationship you claimed never to want and burden you with a dependant that I’d been given to believe most people would abhor? I couldn’t do that to you. Besides, I...I wasn’t brave enough.’

  Her strength ebbed as her fury dimmed, leaving her tired, weak and shaky. ‘I am not surprised, not really, that you have changed your mind about wanting to marry me.’ She got up. ‘I understand. But I hope that at least you can forgive me. That in future, when you think of me, it won’t be with too much bitterness. I know I let you down, badly...’

  She walked to the door, but paused with her hand on the latch.

  ‘Above all, though, I don’t want you to go away believing that I was using you just for sexual gratification. It wasn’t like that between us. When we met up again, you acted as though you hated me. But when you offered me an affair, I snatched at it, just as I snatched at your offer of friendship when we were younger. Both times I truly believed it was all I could ever have of you. I thought when you married, it would be to a nice young virgin. Not a widow with a son. Not to mention a sister who will hardly let her out of her sight.’

  She leaned her forehead against the door, completely unable to turn round and look at him.

  ‘I hope you find someone who will be all the things I cannot be for you. I truly do. I want you to be happy.’

  He got to his feet, uttering an oath. ‘Would you be happy with any other man?’

  She froze and closed her eyes tight shut. She already knew she couldn’t. Oh, she’d found a kind of contentment with Colonel Morgan, but it had taken time and a good deal of resolve.

  She shook her head.

  ‘Then, dammit,’ he said, striding across the room, seizing her by her elbow and tugging her round to face him. ‘How the devil can you expect me to be happy with any other woman?’

  ‘B-but you said that I was hollow. Not a real woman at all. That...’

  ‘Do you mean to fling every stupid word I’ve uttered, when I was so angry I hardly even knew what I was saying, back in my face? Lydia, I love you. You, you...you foolish woman.’

  With that, he hauled her into his arms and crushed her to his chest.

  ‘But how can you?’ Her words came out somewhat muffled, but he heard her.

  ‘Well, if it comes to that, how can you love me?’ He leaned back and lifted her chin with one hand, so that he could see her face.

  ‘When we first met I was a callow, selfish boy. When I began to suspect I was falling in love with you I deliberately distanced myself from you, several times, only to get drawn back like a moth to a flame.’

  He cupped her cheek with one hand. ‘I accused you of not trusting me, but was it any wonder? I’ve got to take my share of the blame. I’d already seen that it wasn’t surprising that you found it hard to believe I really meant that proposal. I kept on blowing hot, then cold, didn’t I? And in part, it was because I didn’t dare start to think seriously about you. You see, I had the devil of a reputation, which wasn’t just down to the way I behaved, but stemmed from what my family has been like. The number of times I heard chaperons warning their charges about my “bad blood”.’

  She had a sudden searing memory of him talking about unmarriageable people sticking together. She’d thought he’d meant her. But he included himself in that description. It wasn’t so much that he hadn’t wanted to marry, but that he thought no decent girl would have him.

  ‘I was hardly the kind of man any girl would take seriously back then, let alone one who needed so much more from marriage than most.’

  Oh—then her apparent refusal must have hurt him so very much more than she’d ever imagined.

  ‘Nicholas...I never thought you were as bad as they said. You were so kind to me. So patient. Oh, if only I had waited for you to come back and told you about Cissy, you would have found a way to rescue her, w-wouldn’t you? You are the man who turned his fortunes round, and made everyone who’s ever said bad things about you eat their words... Oh, why didn’t I just...hang on to hope?’

  Tears poured down her cheeks as she saw what damage her lack of trust had done. What needless misery she’d wrought...

  ‘Stop right there,’ he said sternly. ‘I won’t have you blaming yourself. The truth is that neither of us had the confidence to fight for our love. I realise now that I should have told Mrs Westerly, straight away, that I’d proposed. And that I intended to turn my life round and prove I was worth you taking a chance on. Only...I thought I’d stand a better chance of vanquishing the old dragon, and of impressing you, if I could produce a marriage licence and a stash of money from my pockets.’

  ‘Oh, Nicholas. I thought you’d just...’

  He folded her into his arms. ‘Shh...I know what you must have thought. And I’m sorry I acted in such a way that led you to think so poorly of me.’

  ‘But if only I’d trusted you more, and told you about Cissy, and explained how desperate I was to get married...even as just a friend, not expecting anything more, then...’

  He shook his head. ‘How could you have broken a promise? I would not love you so much if you were the kind of woman who could so easily go back on her word.’

  His face swam as even more tears gathered in her eyes.

  ‘You still love me? You really mean it?’

  ‘I don’t blame you for finding it hard to believe. I was horrid to you when we first met up again, wasn’t I? I was still carrying a weight of bitterness.’

  She hugged him hard. ‘Rose guessed at once. She said you would not have been so bitter if I had not hurt you.’

  ‘Well, if you did it was my own stupid fault for blowing hot and cold. For not speaking up when I had a chance to win you. I knew you loved me. I... God, that makes me sound such a coxcomb, doesn’t it?’

  ‘No. You are not a coxcomb. I did love you. I tried to hide it from you...’

  He shook his head. ‘You used to look at me with your heart in your eyes. It
scared the hell out of me.’

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘No. I am the one who should be sorry. For being—’

  ‘Young? And a bit insecure underneath all that bravado? You were no worse than I was.’

  ‘You put me to shame, Lydia. You are so ready to understand and forgive. Even when we met again, you never uttered one word of reproach for the way things turned out between us. When I spent all these years...’

  ‘Hush,’ she said. ‘We were both too young to know any better.’

  ‘Yes.’ He leaned his forehead against hers for a moment. ‘And do you know what? In a way...no, let me be completely honest. The pain of losing you set my whole life on a different course. I would have ended up just like my father if losing you hadn’t caused me to stop in my tracks and take stock of my life.’

  ‘Yes, Robert told me how much you have accomplished at Hemingford Priory. I’m proud of you.’

  He set her back from him a little, so that he could look into her eyes.

  ‘I shouldn’t have been so angry with you when we first met. I had no right to speak so harshly to you, but I’d spent years blaming you for the empty, lonely years we spent apart. And then when I saw you, you didn’t look at me the way you’d done when you were a girl. It was as if I was just...anyone, when I’d spent years missing you. I couldn’t stand it. I had to provoke a reaction from you, even if it was anger. I could tolerate anything but your indifference.’

  ‘I was not indifferent to you. But over the years I had learned to guard my expression more. I could not afford to be an open book. Not in this house. Too many people’s happiness depended on me putting on a calm front.’

  ‘My God,’ he breathed, clasping her to his chest again. ‘Was it hell, being married to that old man? I cannot bear to think of you having to allow him to—’

  She reached up and put one finger over his mouth, silencing him.

  ‘Then don’t think about it. It is past. He was fair in his dealings with me. And after a while I grew fond of him, but I was never...that is, I never...’ She blushed. ‘The way I was with you, in that bed there.’ She nodded in the direction of the narrow bed they’d shared twice now. ‘I cannot imagine getting so...carried away with any other man. Truly, I rather shocked myself. I just wanted you so much. You, not just your body. Only, it was all I thought you would allow me to have. When I came to you, I still thought you despised me...’