by Leanne Davis
Kylie shrugged, her shoulders rising and falling in a listless, passionless response.
“Kylie, you turned out really beautiful. I know this is all a lot. There are no words or conversation that can change what I did. But I’d do anything to repair this with you… and with Ally. Would you—Is there even a chance you could ever do that?”
She closed her eyes and slowly lowered her chin down to her chest. Any other girl would be crying or tearing up about now. Tristan knew the fist of anxiety and pain in her chest. He could predict how sharp this would feel to her… and that her natural compassion would win out over her internal anger. “Yes.” Her voice was barely audible to them and she didn’t meet anyone’s gaze.
“Yes…what? You could consider forgiving me?”
“I could consider letting you work towards it.”
He nodded eagerly. Tristan understand the man was sorry, he had suffered, but his pain and sorrow and apologies were still skewed towards himself. He had a selfishness that edged his words, his actions and his regret that still was tinged with blame and excuses. He wasn’t the kind of person Kylie was. He was a little smarmy. A little like Tommy. Tristan jerked upright at the comparison. Tommy? He shook his head, wondering where that came from.
But if Micah could give Kylie back some of what he stole from her, Tristan was all for that. She had punished herself long and hard for what this man did to her and stole from her. And money was the last thing on the list of his things he stole.
“Do you think your sister…?”
“No. I don’t. She’s in the right. Leave her alone. I’m the one who can’t seem to let it go. I want to learn. To let it go. Find a way to believe all men aren’t like you. All people I let into my life won’t do what you did.”
Micah glanced at Tristan. Tristan stared the fucker down. He fisted his hand. Wishing he could smash it in his face, just for old times’ sake. For what Micah did to her. For what his actions led to.
“Maybe spending time together would help with that,” Micah suggested. His tone was hopeful.
“Yes, maybe. Maybe we could meet for dinner or something sometime.”
He nodded eagerly. “I would love that.”
She got to her feet. “I’ll call next time.” He eagerly provided his cell phone number and she gave him hers. Then she allowed him to kiss her cheek and pat her arm. Her shoulders wilted after he shut the aluminum door behind them. She walked with her head down, shoulders forward, hands tucked in her pockets to the car and slid in. Tristan followed her lead. She was quiet for hours. He stopped for gas and offered her up some snacks and drinks, but he knew she’d refuse. He stopped and got himself some fast food. She didn’t even look over when he did so. He didn’t even ask her this time. She finally closed her eyes and slept.
His stomach was in knots. He’d pressed her to do this. What if he’d ruined her emotional balance? What if she resented him? Thought what? What did she think? He couldn’t really say for sure. Maybe that’s the draw to Kylie, he never could fully say. She kept so much of her emotions so tightly held inside her. But then, when she let any pieces out he felt like he’d collected diamond shavings off a beach.
Then she said softly, “He isn’t at all like I remembered him.”
“What did you remember?”
“He was confident. He smiled a lot. He was safe. I used to feel safe. You know that moment when your whole family was together at the end of the day?”
“No, I never had that kind of family. We existed together, we didn’t spend time together. There was no family unit. There was no safety in my family. Just distress.” He’d never trusted his family, except his grandfather. He realized it the minute she described it. He’d been weary and self-reliant since he was a kid. It was expected. It was how it was. He realized now however, he had the kind of personality to rise to the challenge. He was self-sufficient and quiet. He got good grades without any help. He didn’t need a lot of emotional support or help from others to succeed.
But Tara needed it. She’d needed validation, care, love. It hadn’t been given to her. Just the cold, picky disinterest of his mother and a father who was never there. What about Tommy? He’d been a loud child. Easy to anger and he screamed a lot. They gave into his demands to pretty much shut him up. He had been given whatever he wanted whenever he demanded. Anything from the food he wanted to the toys he proclaimed he needed. He’d not be punished or penalized when he broke them or abused them on purpose. He’d been as ignored as Tristan and Tara. Tristan’s heart twisted. They had never been made to feel safe. And his sister had gone out in the world, finding it with all the wrong boyfriends and self-medicating, while Tommy thought the next party or girl or friend or car he wanted would soothe whatever lacked in him. And Tristan? He strived to please the one man who took an interest in him, no matter what was asked of him.
He realized it the second she spoke. He was as screwed up from what his parents didn’t do as Kylie was from what hers did to her. He just covered it up with a good job and functioning, but never, not once, before Kylie did he connect in any real way with anyone. From friends to co-workers to girlfriends. No one meant anything to him. Until Kylie.
Why her? He couldn’t begin to say. Perhaps because of her inner softness, that kindness he’d witnessed when she had no reason to be so nice, and yet she was. No gain for herself. It was something he didn’t know how to be and made it so he could almost think about trusting her.
“We did have that kind of family. But that man I just met? He isn’t someone who would ever make me feel that way. I think that’s half of my problem. I didn’t know it could be any different. And then it was, yet there was never really a satisfactory explanation to me, of why I lost the family I had known until then. Even now I don’t hear a good reason. He was scared. He was going to prison. Blah. Blah. Blah. Mom tried to spin it that way for us too. That it wasn’t us. It was him. Not our fault. Maybe it wasn’t exactly our fault, but it sure as hell was something about us that allowed him to just abandon us. Leave. It’s a pretty fucking cold thing to do; abandon your own children. Especially children he had cared for, wanted, and proclaimed to love. You describe your family as cold and uninterested in you, and yet they didn’t just abandon you. They didn’t physically walk out and leave you as if you weren’t worthy of them even feeding or clothing or making sure you lived. Maybe what hurts the most is he felt like the stranger he is.”
“I don’t think you’re ever going to get a magical answer that makes what he did feel any better or understandable. Maybe you just needed to know what it would feel like to see him again. Maybe you needed to remember what his voice was like, and now you know there was no grand last moment where little girl Kylie could have picked up on any of this. You didn’t miss anything. He did. He did it. Not you. You couldn’t have prevented it. I think sometimes, you think if you say the wrong thing or act the wrong way, it will make everyone leave you. I see it started from the night Micah left you. But he did so without any warning. You didn’t miss anything, or cause him to decide to do it.”
“I didn’t realize how much I needed to know that. I think there was some sorrow in him. Really, I did pick up on that… but behind all that, there was a certain amount of anger still. His anger was over what happened to him. Over going to prison. He still thinks he deserved money that was other peoples’ just because he worked so hard and didn’t have that much. I don’t think he’s a monster. I think, actually, he’s a bit narcissistic and that makes him greedy, ambitious, and entitled. I think that’s what I most got out of him.”
“But…?”
She glanced at him swiftly. “How did you know there was a ‘but’?”
“You give off signals. It isn’t that hard to read them.”
“But, he’s still my father. He made terrible mistakes. But he’s still alive, and he’s still my dad. And he’s all alone, it looks like. I can’t say his life has turned out for the better. His greed pretty much screwed him completely over. Mom’s reven
ge? I would say it’s the life she lives now compared to him.”
“So you don’t hate me for pressing you to go there?”
“No, I really don’t. I think you were right. The cloak of my father, the almost mystical feel of him, loomed dark and deep over my life. Maybe facing him for real, for who he really is and what he did and even understanding that he’s pretty freaking miserable… maybe it’s okay to let some of it all go.”
“I was afraid you were hating me.”
“I don’t.”
He smiled at her across the console and she smiled back and a strange peace filled his heart. There was something shining out of her eyes that hadn’t been there before. “You ever hear when you forgive someone it’s actually for yourself?”
“Yes.”
“I think that’s me. I think I’ve been dying to forgive him for years. Since it happened almost. I just wasn’t allowed to. Ally couldn’t and wouldn’t. Mom just was done with him. All of which fit each of them and was totally valid. But…”
“But you’re Kylie. And you don’t know how to hate. You can forgive almost anything of people and find empathy, compassion, and sympathy for whatever their circumstances are, even if it was all their own fault. You, Kylie McKinley, are the amazing one. Not the rest of us. I don’t think I could do what you just did. But all I see in you, is you can. Instead of thinking it makes you all weak and broken, I see that it makes you strong, and giving, and on a higher moral level than me.”
“I never would take it that far.”
“No, of course not. But if you were ever actually honest with your mom and sister about how you feel and what you experienced, they just might understand who you are. And what you need to do.”
She crossed her arms protectively across her chest. “Let’s let it be enough I actually faced something today.”
He laughed and leaned over to ruffle her hair with his hand. “Okay, more than enough. I’m really proud of you.”
She smiled and closed her eyes. “I am too, actually. That I did it. But I’m very tired.” She turned her head and he let her fade into quiet as they drew closer to Marsdale.
Chapter Fourteen
IT BECAME A HABIT to go to Tristan’s when she was done with school or work. All she had to do was call the building manager and he’d let her in. She almost asked for a key, but shied away from it. Because she wasn’t sure she was ready to go that far yet with what was between them. But still, she liked the quiet of his place. It made it easy to get her studying done. This quarter she would be doing an internship and beforehand there was research and papers to write about the work.
They had been back out to her family’s house in Calliston a couple more times for dinner. Each time Tristan was more and more accepted and even Donny had dropped some of the attitude with him. Driving there for a Saturday night dinner, Tristan kept glancing at her.
“What?” she finally asked.
“Are you going to tell them about going to see Micah?”
“No. Why would I? Besides, Ally will be there and she would be furious.”
“Because you have to quit hiding what you feel and think and experience. You have got to open up and trust the people who love you. There is nothing broken about you but your own ability to trust those who you obviously should. Meaning your loving mother and sister. And… me.”
“You think they’ll be happy I’ve made plans to see the man who abandoned us? Broke us. Threw us out. A criminal whose betrayal broke my mother in half and ruined the girls my sister and I might have become. How can you not see the terrible idea of sharing I decided to go see him?”
Tristan let out a ginormous exaggerated sigh. “Kylie, I happen to like the girl you and even your sister became. Did you ever think it made you stronger? Or more real? Or that there is something sincere in how you deal with people? Maybe it’s what gave you endless compassion towards others. I mean, you run in to addicts, drunks or mentally ill people who most would cringe at or turn away from, and you do nothing but turn towards them; no blame, no revulsion, and just total compassion. Maybe what happened damaged you and you healed into a different but better version of who you’d have been.”
She crossed her arms over her chest and snorted. “That’s a lot of bullshit.”
“No, it really isn’t. And I’ve been around your family enough now to judge you should tell them. You don’t do well with all you bottle up inside you. Let some of it out.”
They pulled in and went inside. Pleasantries were exchanged. They all knew enough about each other now it wasn’t awkward, but was genuine interest and questions. It was an easy, congenial atmosphere through dinner. After, sitting there, just chatting, a lull came over the room. Tristan kept eyeing her until she sighed and leaned forward in her seat. “I have something to tell you.”
Everyone went still with shock. She nearly grumbled that it wasn’t that big of a deal that she chose to talk to them. She wasn’t a mute or anything. She just didn’t like to go on and on.
“What’s up?”
She glanced over at Ally, who was watching her with surprise and interest. Licking her lips, Kylie decided ripping it off and just saying it was the only way to go. “I went and saw Micah.”
Stunned silence and shock met her statement.
“Why?” Ally nearly shrieked it. “Why? Why would you go see that bastard?”
“I was… curious. What happened to him? I guess I just needed to see.”
“See what? Where the lying son of—”
“Ally, back off,” Tracy interrupted sharply. Then to Kylie, and more gently, she asked, “And? How did it go?”
Kylie’s nerves made her hands sweat. She glanced to Tristan for help. She so wasn’t good at confrontation. She didn’t want to disappoint her mother, yet half of her life would disappoint her mother if Tracy knew. “It went okay.”
Tracy got up and came over to Kylie. She pulled Kylie up and hugged her. She kissed her forehead. “What happened?”
Kylie leaned back to look into her mom’s eyes. “Do you ever think about him?”
She expected her mom to say no or glance at Donny for guidance but she kept her gaze steady on Kylie. “Yes, honey. I think about him. I think about our past sometimes. I think about how he left. I think about where he ended up. We were a family once, that doesn’t just disappear because of how it ended. And no matter what we did as spouses to each other, it was your parents that separated. You just seemed to decide you didn’t want any contact.”
Ally’s voice cut in. “That’s me. That’s definitely me.”
“Maybe you try to speak a little too much for Kylie,” Tristan said in response, his tone gentle as he kept his gaze directly on Kylie as if for permission to continue. His eyebrows were raised up and she just barely nodded yes. Then to Ally he said, “I know how much you love Kylie, but her reactions to things aren’t yours. But she’s often too unsure or unclear how to tell you that.”
Ally ignored him and glared at her sister. “I just don’t understand how it could feel right to see a man who left us as little girls. Without a word. Without a thought. What he did to us… to Mom… it would have been better if he just died! How can you need someone like that in your life?”
Kylie shrank back in the face of Ally’s gaining anger. She understood Ally’s point and even agreed, yet there was something in her that felt compelled to move forward from this exact spot she and Ally had been—emotionally speaking—since their dad walked out. They hadn’t really moved past it. Maybe this would help her do just that. Or maybe he was just this sad, old man who had nothing and no one, and there was a connection there that she felt some kind of need to acknowledge.
“Maybe you need to listen to what Kylie feels about it. We all know what you think. I think this is about Kylie, Ally, not Micah. Or you, actually.”
Tristan spoke before Kylie could formulate how to say it. She didn’t want Micah to come between her and Ally, one of the few good relationship she had in her life. There weren’t
many, so there was no way she could sacrifice it for a man who wasn’t worth it.
Ally’s fury turned on Tristan as she glared now at him. “She doesn’t need you speaking for her!”
“I wasn’t. I’m making sure you let her speak.”
Ally stood up. Tears were in her eyes. “I just don’t know what could possibly help you about seeing that man. I just don’t get it. Because he said so? Tristan said to? What? We should forgive and forget or some such bullshit? What does he know? He doesn’t know, now does he, Kylie. Because he wasn’t there. Only we were. You, me, mom. We went through that. He can’t comprehend it.”
Tracy quickly switched daughters and pulled Ally, who was by then crying, into her arms. Kylie glanced at Tristan, her eyes wide with confusion. This was why she didn’t try to express things to them. She was always wrong. And now her sister was upset with her and all she’d managed to do was make herself feel a little, just a little bit, better about what Micah did to her. It was a huge sacrifice for no real gain.
Tristan leaned over. His mouth right at her ear. “You deserve to grieve and react and get closure, even if it doesn’t fall in line with what Ally wants. This”—he waved toward where her mom was holding Ally and they were talking quietly—“is about Ally’s grief and reactions, not yours. Okay?” He kissed her check and then leaned back enough to stare into her eyes. His gaze was full of support and strength, like they were two soldiers together, preparing to hold the line against the enemy. She nodded back, as the metaphor ran through her brain. Her smile was wimpy and fake, but he mimicked it with understanding.
Ally finally released her mom and turned back to Tristan. She sniffed as she rubbed her nose on her sleeve. “You think I bully my own sister into feeling how I do?”
“That’s not what I said exactly. And no one here thinks you have anything but love for Kylie. But you are a lot stronger force to deal with, Ally. You know that. You know your sister. She can’t always stand up to you.”
“Or you. For look who’s talking for her now. Because, Tristan-her-boyfriend,” Ally said with a sneer, “she isn’t saying this to me. You are. You are talking for her. And you’re just as strong a personality as I am. So now it’s just your opinions and thoughts she’s going to reflect? Because apparently I’ve been holding her back from being who she’s supposed to be? Let me guess, now she can reflect you?” Ally glared with her mouth half open and eyes squinting. She shook her head as she slid back the dining room chair and stomped out.
