Louise

by Diana Nixon

  Well, this isn’t going as planned. I never imagined she would start the first conversation we have had in two years with, “Oh, it’s you…” She said ‘you’ as if it were a dirty word she didn’t even want in her mouth; she acted like I was the scum of the Earth. I was clearly an inconvenience to her. My stomach dropped and I felt myself begin to sweat because I was nervous around her. Keep going, Louise, she is your old friend, you can do this!

  “I just wanted to see you. May I come in?”

  She hesitated for a moment. “Yeah, sure. Sorry, I had a bad day. No offense, okay?”

  “None taken. I completely understand, you work a lot. You probably hate it when people bother you after your show.” I looked around the room, and to my surprise, it was smaller than mine, but there was so much stuff everywhere; every nook and cranny of the room were filled with clothes, jewelry, books, magazines, and makeup among many other things. It was hard to say how big the room would actually be if it were not so full of clutter.

  Tess grabbed a pack of cigarettes, tapped one out of the box, and lit it. After the nicotine began to kick in I could see her visibly relax a little bit, sitting in one of her chairs, which was covered with a bunch of clothes.

  “I didn’t know you started smoking,” I said, taking a seat in front of her.

  “It’s been a long time since we saw each other last, Lu. Many things have changed.”

  “I can see that.”

  “You are judging me right now, aren’t you?” She asked, smirking.

  “No, why would I? It is not your fault Marlena sold you to Drew. You didn’t have a choice in coming here, right?

  “Right… So how have you been doing all this time?”

  “Working, trying to survive, the usual, you know?”

  She nodded wordlessly. “When did you get here?”

  “Yesterday night.”

  “So, it’s your first day here.” She leaned back against the chair and took another drag of her cigarette. “I remember my first day here. I splashed a cup of scalding coffee on Drew’s pants.”

  I smiled. “I bet he didn’t see that coming.”

  “He surely did not.”

  “You didn’t want to stay here, did you?”

  She puffed on her cigarette and slowly let the smoke out of her mouth, smoke swirled around in front of her. “Do you honestly believe this,” she gestured around her room, “is what I wanted for my life, after I was finally able to leave that hell hole — Paradise?”

  “Did you try to run away?”

  Tess laughed humorlessly, shaking her head. “The bitches must have already poisoned you with the rumors.”

  “They only said you refused to follow Drew’s orders.” I still had a weird feeling that Tess was not happy to see me. It was like she only let me come in because she was too tired to tell me to go to hell.

  “What else did they tell you?” She asked, watching me closely. For a second, I felt like I was being interrogated by the police, or maybe even somewhere worse - like a court - in front of a judge, and with no lawyer to defend me.

  “It doesn’t matter. I’m sure those were just rumors.”

  Tess had been staring at me for at least an entire minute, no less. I didn’t know what she was thinking about. There was something strange about everything she was saying and doing, that I couldn’t put my finger on. Maybe she was high or something. Considering everything around me felt out of place, I guess anything was possible, at this point. When she was in her costume from the show, she looked like a woman without morals; I continued to hope the real Tess was nothing like the frivolous girl I saw on the stage, dancing tonight.

  “You haven’t changed, Louise, not even a bit. You still believe dreams can come true, while I know for a fact dreams are never supposed to come true for girls like us; it is a luxury we can’t have, much less afford, we do not have time for dreaming. But don’t worry, you will come to understand it all later, after they fucking drain all of the life energy out of you. You think living here is a fairytale? A horror movie is more like it. You don’t belong to yourself anymore, it’s even worse than Paradise. If you break the rules here, it won’t just leave you without food, it will leave you lifeless, in one of the trash cans somewhere in the ass of the city. And no, I’m not exaggerating about these things. I know exactly what I’m talking about.”

  I felt my body get cold, my blood was starting to freeze in my veins. I shivered saying, “You can’t be serious… Do they… Kill girls for not following the orders?” I don’t know where I got the courage to ask the question out loud, but I refused to believe it was true. It couldn’t be true.

  “Forget it. I bet Kate and Drew did their best to make you believe that your life here would be wonderful. Let it be so. After all, not everyone is as much of a pain in the ass as I am.”

  I smiled. “You haven’t changed either, you’ve always been like this.”

  Tess laughed. “Damn true.”

  There were other questions I wanted to ask her, but when I looked at the clock on the wall, it showed midnight, and I thought I should probably give Tess a break and talk to her some other time.

  “I think it’s time for me to go. You need to get your rest.”

  “Yeah, it’s been a long day.”

  We said good-bye and I went to my room. I didn’t want to go back to the show room, all of a sudden, I realized I didn’t have the slightest desire to watch the rest of the show. I had had enough dancing for one day.

  That’s a first…

  That night I learned my first out of Paradise life lesson — people don’t change, time only makes them tougher, revealing their true nature which is not always able to be seen at first. When we were younger, it all felt and looked different. We didn’t think about material things. Yes, we were jealous of other kids having so much more than we did, but it still didn’t make our lives worse, it didn’t turn us into haters. And today… Today I suddenly realized Paradise was not actually my worst nightmare, it was actually a place where everything was so much easier. Sure, things were awful, but they were also easier; I knew exactly what to expect every day, now I don’t.

  I laughed hysterically to myself, leaning against my bedroom’s door. I can’t believe I’ve just thought that life before Le Papillon was easier. I never thought it was easy when I lived in Paradise.

  Time is supposed to make people age, of course, but it is also supposed to make people wiser as well. And today, looking at Tess, I felt like she was not only two years older than me, she seemed wise beyond her years. If I didn’t know the truth, I would say she had seen and went through so much more than I did. I kept wondering, what really happened to her after she tried to run away from Drew? Was it so awful and cruel that it turned her into this cynical version of herself? I didn’t know the Tess I had seen tonight. She was like a stranger to me. And she looked at me the same way, as if we had never been best friends, as if all those years we spent in the orphanage – together – had never actually happened.

  I walked over to the mirror; it took me looking at my reflection to notice the tears running down my cheeks. Why was I crying? I didn’t even know the answer to that question. I just felt like crying, and thank God, I was alone in the room and no one could see the black rivers of mascara, running down my face in lines that would be a pain to remove.

  What am I supposed to do now? I asked myself. What would you do if you hadn’t realized Tess was here too? My conscience asked in response. Would you just give up on those dreams she said would never come true for ‘girls like you’? Or would you do everything in your power to prove to her and everyone else that she was wrong?

  I didn’t know the person looking back at me through the mirror. I didn’t know anything about this new Louise, standing at the crossroads of what felt like the worst life adventure ever. I only hoped by the time I finally learned everything there was to know about her, I wouldn’t be disappointed by it…

  After the hellish day I had, I didn’t have any probl
em with falling asleep. I took a long, hot shower, hoping it would help me wash away all the stress and feelings that were tearing me apart. I didn’t know what would happen tomorrow, but at least I knew for tonight I could be the old Lu, the girl with beautiful dreams and things to remember. Giving up has never been on my bucket-list, and this time was not going to be an exception. There was no way I was ready to give up on my dreams.

  ***

  It was Saturday, the day of my first show. I was all nerves, probably even worse — I could barely take a step without falling.

  “Come on, Louise! You’ve got to be kidding me! What happened to your dance?” Kate was furious. She spent the entire day training with me and she was very pleased with the results we had at the end of the day; so, it was no wonder she looked like a fire-breathing dragon now. “What the hell do you think you are doing? Is it because of your fears again? Or did someone tell you something about your dance?”

  “No. It’s my nerves. I don’t know how to keep myself from falling in the middle of the show. What if I forget the next step? What if the song suddenly stops playing? What if…”

  “Stop it! Stop thinking about things we both know will never happen.” Kate came over to where I was standing and took me by the shoulders, as if she were going to shake me. “Now, listen to me, Doll. I have never seen a more talented dancer here. If you want to hear the truth, here it is — you are hundred times better than anyone else here, me, Laura, Moly and even Valery. No one has even come close to showing me anything as well executed as you have. You are special, Louise. Remember my words. Only the strongest survive in this world, so don’t you dare let anyone bring you down to your knees. Because once you do, you will never be able to get back up again. You will stay weak and helpless. And this is not who you are. I knew it the day I met you. You are a fighter, and you know it too.”

  Kate was right. I have always been a fighter. Even when I thought there was no light in the dark tunnel of my life, I still managed to find it. Thanks to Paradise, I knew exactly what she meant by survival. I needed to be strong. I was strong, I never doubted it until the moment I came to Le Papillon.

  “Let’s try it one more time,” I said, taking a deep breath. I can do this, just like talking to Tess… I did it, just like surviving Paradise… I can do this...

  Kate nodded approvingly. She didn’t say anything else, she just watched me while I practiced, and when the dance was over, she applauded, again without a word. I thought it was a good sign.

  “Not bad,” someone else said.

  I turned toward the exit and saw Tess standing there. She leaned against the door frame and crossed her arms, smiling slightly. “Why didn’t anyone tell me about her?” She turned to Kate.

  “Maybe if you weren’t such a snot, you would have stayed with us last night and watched the rest of the show. Louise gave us some pretty good advice about the new dances.”

  “Is she the new boss around here, or what?”

  “No, but it wouldn’t hurt you to listen to the things she has to say. They might be helpful, even to you, Princess...”

  Tess turned back to me, the smile from before vanished without a trace, her face was now stone-cold.

  “Who taught you to dance? I’ve never seen you dance this well.”

  “No one did. But I read books, and watched a few shows.”

  “You read books? Where the hell did you manage to get them? And don’t tell me that Paradise has a library now, because I know better...”

  “No, I bought them myself. You left me some money, remember?”

  I didn’t say anything wrong, but apparently, Tess thought otherwise.

  “I should have taken it with me,” she practically barked at me. Then she turned around and left the show room, slamming the door shut behind her.

  “She’ll get over it,” Kate said.

  “She used to be the best of the best,” I muttered, still staring at the closed door. And I knew Tess well enough to know that she, of all people, would never ever get over it.

  “Don’t take her words to heart. She’s always been like this. Her problem is that she doesn’t know how to lose, but it was supposed to happen anyway, sooner or later. After all, she’s not a professional dancer. What she does on the stage is good, very good. But it has never been perfect. At least not for those who know what real cabaret dancing should look like.”

  I couldn’t say I was in complete agreement with Kate. I liked Tess’s show. For me, it did look perfect. But I was not an expert myself either, I couldn’t even say that my dance was good enough to be shown to the audience.

  “Don’t forget about your costume. It will be ready in an hour.”

  “Yeah, I talked to Jimmy earlier today. He said he needed to add a few more small details.”

  “Make sure you are there when the costume is ready. No one else should see it before tonight. Clear?”

  “Crystal… But what do you think would happen if someone happens to notice me trying it on?”

  Kate took the record player and smiled at me, saying, “Do you really think everyone wishes for things to be good for you here? Far from it! The other girls will do their best to screw up your show. Unless you find a way to make them believe it can’t be screwed up regardless of what they try to do.”

  “Unbelievable.” I sighed.

  “What? You thought they would just automatically be your buddies? Remember what Drew said about fighting? It happens here all the time. The main rule is to avoid conflicts for as long as you can. And don’t you ever dare start one. Otherwise, Drew will make sure you remember it forever.”

  There was one thing I couldn’t help but ask about.

  “Have you ever heard of any girls dying here?”

  Kate’s face paled. “Who told you that?”

  “Just rumors.” I shrugged, hoping she would believe my lie. I certainly didn’t want Tess to have any extra problems because of me, let alone give her yet another reason to be mad at me.

  “We don’t talk about Isabel here.”

  “So there was a death in the club, right?”

  Kate looked around the room carefully. “Come with me. This is not the best place to talk about it.”

  Wordlessly, I followed her to her room. Only when she closed the door behind me and made sure that we were alone in the room, she said, “Yes, there was a death in the club. Well, not exactly in the club. It happened about a year ago. As I have already said, the girl’s name was Isabel. She had a show with three different dances. But she danced only two of them. When it was time for the third dance, we realized she was missing. Police had been trying to find her for about a week. And then, one day, they called Drew saying they had found a body matching the description of Isabel. Drew and I went to morgue to identify the body. And when we came back to the club, he gathered all the girls and announced the new rules of living and working here. According to the police report, Isabel was murdered by one of the permanent visitors of our club. They had been secretly dating for about six months before the tragedy happened. One day, Vincent saw her entering some trashy motel with his best friend, he got furious, and killed her when she was on her way back here. That’s why Drew forbids the girls to sleep with the visitors, in or outside the club. Regardless of how much money a man offers you to meet him outside Le Papillon, you are not allowed to go with him.”

  “Aren’t we allowed to have relationships with men?”

  “You are, unless you want to sleep with one of the men who belong to the club. Your work here is like an unbreakable contract. If you don’t follow the rules, you are out. And no one will care if you don’t have anywhere else to go. But you will never be allowed back here if we find out you are seeing one of our clients.”

  “What about the private dances?”

  “All the clients sign a paper telling them they are not allowed to have any sexual relationships with any of the dancers. They are well aware of the rules. They can watch your private dance, they can even dance with you if they wis
h, but if they want sex, they will have to go somewhere else to get it.”

  Another thought came to my mind. “Drew tracks every step we take outside the club, doesn’t he?”

  Kate smiled sadly. “It’s a part of his job. He doesn’t want his girls to get hurt.”

  “Why doesn’t he hire professional dancers?”

  “I thought the answer was obvious. No professional dancer would ever agree to work in a closed club, where her popularity can’t go beyond the walls of this place. Plus, she can’t tell anyone she works here, unless it’s allowed by Drew. Of course, there were a few girls who came here right after their graduation from different dancing schools. But they didn’t stay long. Right after they earned enough money to find an apartment of their own and a new job, they left.”

  “Because they thought working here would never bring them fame... And being a local star was not enough.”

  “See? You already know all of the answers. Of course, Drew thinks his club is the best place in the whole world. But he doesn’t see that he’s not the only person who has ambitions. Girls who stay here after their contracts end simply don’t have any other place to go. Some don’t even know what it is like to live and work somewhere else. They have lives outside Le Papillon, but their real life is here.”

  “But we can’t stay here forever. One day, we will get too old to dance or even to show our faces in the show room.”

  “Yes, but until then, we all believe that day will never come.”

  It was the very moment when I realized one more thing — Kate was not much different from us, the dancers. She was afraid to leave too. Even though I was sure she knew she would never become the boss’s wife or the new boss here. But she still preferred to think that the day she would need to leave would never come…

  Chapter 5

  My knees were trembling. I was standing behind the curtain, waiting for my show to begin.

  “Calm down, Louise,” Kate said, coming over to me. I didn’t expect to see her right before my danсe, but I guess I probably needed to hear her words of support, now, more than ever.