Seeing Black

by Sidney Halston

  “You’re being completely ridiculous.”

  Alexander stalked forward. “Really? Am I?”

  Jill took a step back. “Y-yes.” He looked dangerous. “Why would you say that?”

  For a minute, Alexander didn’t say anything.

  “Tell me! What’s gotten into you? Why would you say that?” She pushed him back again. Still, he didn’t budge.

  “Because.”

  “Because? Because what?”

  “Because you love him!” he yelled.

  And there it was. This was the second time he had said something that hinted at jealousy towards his brother. The first time he’d adamantly denied it, but now perhaps it was too much to keep bottled up. She knew he still hadn’t completely accepted that she was over Oly. She couldn’t even consider it as over since she’d realized there was never anything to begin with.

  She took a cautious step forward. “Oh. My. God.” She took another cautious step forward and a very deep calming breath. “You’re so unbelievably jealous you aren’t seeing clearly. I thought this little love-triangle thing we thought we had was done and over with. I thought we’d dealt with it on the island.”

  Alexander didn’t reply. His arms were still crossed across his chest, and his nostrils flared. He was still furious, but it was mixed with something else, something she wasn’t used to seeing. Insecurity.

  She decided she needed to thaw a little. Even though she was angry at the way he was acting, or better yet overreacting, she knew that she was the cause of his jealousy. Even if unintentionally, she’d led them on for years. When she had finally decided on Alexander, it wasn’t easy, and she had made it difficult on everyone. So putting her own anger aside, she took a final step forward and reached forward to Alexander’s arms. She unwrapped them from his rigid body and stepped into him. His arms fell down to his sides, and she ignored his coldness and wrapped her arms around his waist and lowered her head into his chest. After a few moments, he repeated, “You love him?” It was an almost inaudible whisper, but it was enough to shatter her heart.

  “Yes. I do. Of course I do, but not the way you think. You’re the one I love. You’re the one who makes me happy.” She looked up at him and smiled before adding, “When we’re not arguing over something silly. And even then, it’s okay with me because you keep me on my toes and the making up is usually fantastic.” He didn’t say anything for a few moments, but she felt his body finally relax slightly, and she felt his hands wrap around her body. She squeezed a little and so did he. “I love you, Xander. No one else. You. Always you.” His arms tightened.

  He bent down a little and swung Jillian up in his arms, cradling her. He walked into her room and kicked the door shut behind him before gently laying her on the bed. He slid on top of her, holding his weight up with his forearms on either side of her face. “I love you so much, Jillian. I have never been the jealous type. I’ve never cared enough to be jealous of anyone. But with you, my God, I can’t seem to get my temper or my jealousy under control. I think I’m even jealous of your dad.”

  She abruptly looked up at him. “What?”

  “Don’t be gross. I didn’t mean it like that. I meant I’m jealous of your time. I want to spend all my time with you. I want to understand you completely, I don’t have that psychic connection thing you two have, and I can’t seem to relate with you on that level.”

  Jill reached up and cupped his face with her hands. “Do you trust me? Do you know how much I love you?”

  “I do, babe. I’m sorry. I just . . . It drives me fucking crazy when you ignore what I ask of you, especially when I’m saying it because I’m trying to protect you.”

  “If it makes you feel any better, I’d totally have gone, even if Oliver told me not to go. I would have gone no matter what.”

  “So you’re an indiscriminate, pain-in-the-ass, stubborn woman?”

  “An indiscriminate, pain-in-the-ass, stubborn woman who is madly in love with you.”

  “Madly being the operative word,” he teased.

  “Oh, please. You love my craziness. Anyway, love is supposed to make you crazy. It’s not love if it doesn’t.”

  “Then I must really love you.”

  “Ha. Ha.” Jill pushed him slightly away so she could look at him when she spoke. “Alexander, you have to learn to trust me. Remember I was alone a long time—”

  “I know. I know. I hate that, by the way. You don’t understand the guilt that eats me up every time I think about all the years you were in a boarding school—alone. Then college—alone. I should’ve been there. Hell, Oliver should’ve been there. You shouldn’t have been on your own like some sort of orphan.”

  “You were just a kid. You can’t beat yourself up over that. My life wasn’t terrible. I had a lot of friends. I was just shy and kept to myself. I regret not making more friends, but I was fine. Really, I was.” She sat up slightly to give him a small kiss.

  “But you’re not alone anymore, babe. I’m here, and I want . . . No, sorry, scratch that. I need you to be safe. I may not be psychic, but I have a bad feeling about Rocco. That guy’s no good, babe. Please, just stop seeing him. You don’t need him.”

  “I do. I do need him. Do you know how horrible it is to be scared of driving because I don’t know when I could black out or how embarrassing it is to have a symptom in the middle of a conversation with a stranger or, worse, alone somewhere? And they are symptoms, Xander. It’s an affliction that hinders me on a daily basis. He can help me. It doesn’t happen to him anymore. He learned to control it, and he’s going to teach me. You have got to trust me. Otherwise, this thing between us, it just won’t work. Please, I need to do this, and I need to do this without feeling I have to sneak around behind your back.”

  Alexander let his forearms drop, and his weight was now fully on Jill. “Fine. I’ll trust you if you start being more considerate about my concerns. Tell me when you go and where. Indulge me, Red. Just let me know. It’ll ease my mind.”

  “Fine. I promise.” She leaned up and kissed him. “I’ll tell you before I go, and you’ll be okay with it?”

  “Yes.” She reached for his neck, pulled it down towards her and gave him a sweet kiss on the lips. “Come on, I need to catch up on some reading for class. You do too.”

  Jill and Alexander lay in bed together each with a law book in hand.

  “You smell delicious.” Alexander said, still looking at his book.

  “We have to be ready for class tomorrow. No funny business.”

  “I just said you smell delicious. I didn’t say anything about funny business.”

  Using the hand between them, Alexander caressed Jill’s thigh. She continued to read, and he continued to pretend to read. He then grabbed the thigh closest to him and pulled it towards him, causing her legs to part. He put his hand in between her legs and continued caressing.

  “What do you think you’re doing?” Her voice came out a little husky. Flustered.

  “Nothing. Keep studying.”

  She did sort of. At least she pretended to. She tried. She really did.

  His hand moved slowly up her inner thighs, and his thumb now grazed the seam of her panties. Her breathing hitched. He closed his book and threw it to the floor and turned to his side. He slid her panties to one side and began rubbing her slickness with his index finger. He was driving her crazy. She closed her eyes. The book she’d been reading fell to the floor with a loud thump.

  “You’re a terrible study buddy,” Jill croaked.

  “I can stop, if you want.”

  She grabbed his hand and held it right where it was between her legs. “Don’t you fucking dare.”

  “Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. You shouldn’t curse.” He slipped a finger inside and tortured her with small movements. “I may need to punish you. A lady shouldn’t talk that way to her loving boyfriend.”

  Her eyes were shut, and her breathing was all over the place. She couldn’t have spoken even if she’d wanted to, and she didn’t want to.<
br />
  “You want me to punish you, Jillian?” His finger continued its torturous exploration.

  When she didn’t respond, he stopped. Her eyes shot open.

  “Answer my question, baby.”

  “Uh. What? What question? Fuck, what are you talking about? Please, just don’t stop.”

  He shook his head and laughed. He put a second finger inside of her and began moving again in and out. She was writhing with pleasure. He placed his other hand on her shoulder to hold her down. His eyes were open and staring at her. She felt them burning into her.

  “Open your eyes. I want to see you.”

  “Alexander!” She groaned. “Don’t stop.”

  “I’m not stopping. Let go for me, baby, but don’t close your eyes.” He continued his assault until she couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t think. Just as she was about to explode, he stopped. She almost died. Literally, she thought she was going to die, but a second later he was on her and thrusting inside of her. She was so startled she gasped. He covered her mouth with his to muffle the noises. It was sweet and beautiful lovemaking. Since the island, Alexander and Jill had always been together. Inseparable. That included a lot of sex. A lot. Rough, sweet, in the shower, on the bed, on the floor. Anywhere and everywhere. But this time was different, somehow. He was showing her how much he loved her. He was staring into her soul, and it was beautiful. Her soul was awake for the first time. Before that moment, she realized what a lonely life she had been living and that Alexander was responsible for bringing light back into her life. She had been in love with Alexander for a long time, but right now, she was connected to him. It was more. Spiritual. He stared into her eyes with such adoration that she couldn’t keep the tears from sliding down her eyes to her ears. He leaned down and kissed away the tears, first one eye and then the other. “I love you, Red. So much.”

  It was too much. The sensations. The love. When they finally came, she felt as if she was floating out of her body and flying away. He didn’t say much as he rolled over to her side and took her into his arms. “That was—”

  “Amazing.”

  “Yes. Amazing. Unbelievably amazing,” he said. She turned to see his face. She was on her stomach, her face turned towards him. “Have I ever told you how much I love you?” Alexander asked as he drew little circles on her lower back.

  “You have.” She leaned over and kissed his shoulder. “And I love you, so much.” After a while, their eyes grew heavy, and they fell asleep.

  ***

  Riddled with sleep, they were both startled awake by Alexander’s ringing phone.

  “Fuck,” he groaned.

  “Who would be calling you at this time?” Jill yawned. “You should get it.”

  Alexander saw who it was and mumbled something that sounded like “shit.”

  “Hello?” He said a few jumbled things into the phone that didn’t make sense to Jill since she couldn’t hear the other side of the conversation and she was still mostly asleep.

  “Damn it!” He hung up. “Babe, I gotta go,” Alexander said, jumping out of bed and looking around for his clothes.

  “Wait. What? Who was that?” Her brain had yet to catch up with reality.

  “Just an old friend. I’ll explain later. Gotta run.” Alexander scrambled around, sliding one leg into his jeans and then the other. He bent down and kissed Jill’s forehead before bolting from her apartment. Jill was left sitting on the bed, dumbfounded.

  “What the hell was that?” She whispered to herself before falling back onto the pillow.

  ***

  Jill spent the next day cleaning up the apartment, studying, and preparing for the upcoming mock trails during spring break.

  “Hey, I’ve been calling you all day? Where are you? You okay? Please call me back. I’m starting to get worried.” It must have been her fifth call to Alexander that day. Since his abrupt departure the previous morning, he had not called.

  ALEXANDER: Hi. Sorry I haven’t called back. Miss you. Call you when I can.

  A text?

  Cryptic. Short. Strange.

  What the hell was going on?

  ***

  Jillian felt an all too familiar sense of recognition as she drove, something akin to déjà vu. All day, Jill had had a bad feeling, but now, as she got closer, she felt tense and an unusual feeling of foreboding. Since that wonderful day on the island almost a month ago, she and Alexander had been inseparable. They had fallen into a routine. If Jill wasn’t spending the night at his apartment, he spent it at hers. Alexander always gave her reason to think she was on his mind, even when she wasn’t around, so the fact that he had been distant and secretive was very out of character. It had been exactly a week since he stormed out of her house. He went to class and was sweet, but as soon as class was over, he’d bolted out and told her he’d call her later. Later. That was all she had been hearing for the last week. Later. I’ll call you later. I’ll see you later. Fuck later. She remembered that he did tend to disappear, but that was pre-island. Pre-kissing Oliver. Pre-deciding on Alexander. Pre-island Alexander would go weeks without speaking to Jill. Hell, he had gone years without speaking with her. Mostly, it was from his drug abuse, but she was certain that wasn’t the case anymore. He had told her he hadn’t touched any drugs since Helen’s funeral almost five years ago, so that couldn’t be the problem. Or could it?

  As soon as Jill rounded the corner of Alexander’s street and saw his apartment, her heart plummeted. She felt it fall to the floor and begin to splinter into a million little pieces. The yellow VW bug that she had seen so many times months ago sat right there, in plain sight, for everyone to see, taunting her. She knew that on the other side of the door, Alexander was in there with a beautiful blond bombshell.

  “Oh, God,” she said to herself, suddenly placing all the pieces together. The familiar woman that starred in the vision she had had a few weeks ago at the club was the yellow VW girl. She had forgotten all about her. Her vision was about to come true, or, perhaps, it had already come true, and this was just Jillian confirming what she had already seen.

  As she saw it, she had two options. Option one: leave. And what? Pretend she didn’t see the car? Just let it go? Trust him to explain? Ha! As if she could just let anything go. Option two: Jill was a rational woman. She could just go inside and see with her own eyes that nothing was going on. Trust that Alexander hadn’t slept with VW Girl. Trust him. Ignore the premonition she had earlier—something that had never been wrong. There just had to be a reasonable explanation why the man she loved, who happened to disappear from her life every now and again, and who had abandoned her in the middle of the night for a gorgeous blonde and was now “later-ing” her, had VW girl in his house.

  Jill took a glance at her reflection one last time before exiting, choosing option number two. The problem with option number two was that Jill really wasn’t such a rational woman and there was probably not a single explanation in the world that would seem reasonable. Jill knocked on the door. Hard!

  “Coming,” a woman’s voice responded. Jill braced herself. The thought of a woman—this woman—answering Alexander’s door, as if it were her own home, was enough to throw any semblance of rational straight out the window.

  A few moments later, VW Girl opened the door. A towel was wrapped around her head and another one around her body. Nothing else.

  VW Girl leaned against the door frame. “Yes?” she said, one eyebrow arched upward.

  “Where’s Alexander?” Jill asked, moving past VW Girl and into the apartment.

  “Excuse me? Where the hell do you think you’re going? You can’t just barge in here.”

  “I’m Jillian,” she said, as if that alone should have explained everything.

  The look on VW Girl’s face said it all. She had no idea who Jill was, not a glimmer of recognition. After an eternity of awkward silence, she said, “Listen, I don’t know who you are, but you need to leave. Alex is sleeping. We’ve barely slept all week, and he’s exhausted
. I’ll let him know you came by. Jillian, you said?”

  Stumbling back a step, her hand pressed against her breastbone, Jill stuttered, “Yes. Jill. I, er, I guess I’ll leave.”

  “Good idea. He needs to rest. He has some school thing tomorrow.”

  I know, bitch! We have mock trials tomorrow is what Jill wanted to say, but all she could say was, “I’m sorry. I didn’t catch your name.”

  “I’m Miriam, his girlfriend,” VW Bitch said with a smirk as she closed the door on Jill’s astonished face. Before she had a chance to turn around and begin to walk to her car, tears flowed down her face.

  Somehow, Jill managed to make it to her apartment. The feeling of betrayal was too much to bear. It was suffocating.

  From the kitchen, she heard Heather fumbling through drawers. “Hey, is that you?”

  “Yes. It’s me.” Jill responded, an arm around her midsection. She was in actual physical pain.

  “Good. I wanted to talk to you. I’m making dinner.”

  “I’m not really hungry. I was going to take a shower and go to bed.”

  “But it’s only four—” Heather rounded the kitchen and must have seen the disheartened look on Jill’s face. “Oh my God. What happened to you?” She rushed towards Jill, oven gloves still on her hands.

  “He has a girlfriend.” Jill said a tightness in her chest was making it hard to breathe.

  “Who has a girlfriend?”

  “Xander.”

  “Yes, sweetie.” Heather chuckled. “You.”

  “No. Not me. Some six-foot-tall, blue-eyed, blond super model named Miriam.”

  “I’m sorry. What?”

  “You heard me. Alexander Jacobs, the guy who pursued me for months, who flirted with me for years, the guy whom I jeopardized my friendship with Oliver for, the guy whom I love and who I thought loved me, has a fucking girlfriend!” She yelled the last two words. Her arms wrapped around her stomach.