Finding Christmas

by Gail Gaymer Martin

  “He’ll be back later?”

  “I’m sure he will. He and I have some things to talk about.”

  “I’ll stay out of your hair, then.”

  Joanne grinned. “I know you will. And now we have work to do.”

  “Okay.” Her mother rose. “What can I do?”

  “We need to get Mandy’s room ready for her.”

  “Wonderful. I’ll get the cleaning supplies,” Evelyn said, and darted to the kitchen.

  Joanne stood, but staggered by the reality of what had happened, her joy exploded into tears. God’s gift to her was unbelievable, amazing. An early Christmas present. The Father gave His only begotten Son to a world of sinners one Christmas night long ago. Today God had given her another gift, her daughter, offered out of His love.

  She sank back into the chair and wept with gratitude and thanks.

  “Sorry I’m late,” Benjamin said, coming through the door. “I had to undo some problems I created by vanishing. When they heard what had happened, I’ve been forgiven.”

  “We can all use a little of that,” she said, anxious to tell him about the talk with her mother.

  He slipped off his jacket and hung it on the closet doorknob. She loved it there. That spot had become a symbol of Benjamin’s presence in her life and heart.

  He wandered into the living room and stood for a minute in front of the Christmas tree. She’d turned on the tree lights and had even started a blaze in the fireplace. She walked beside him and nestled her hand in the crook of his arm.

  “We cleaned Mandy’s bedroom today,” she said after they’d stood in silence for a few moments.

  “I’m sure it felt wonderful to get it ready for her.”

  She squeezed his arm. “Like a miracle. I packed up her little clothes and baby toys. Now I can fill it with all kinds of new—” Unbidden, the tears rolled from her eyes. She had cried much of the time she’d packed the old things away. “I’m sorry. I’m being a baby.”

  “You’re being a mother. God has given you the most precious gift a woman could ask for. You have every right to cry.” He gave her a sly grin. “I’ve done a little of it myself.”

  “You have?”

  He nodded, and she noticed the mist rising in his dark brown eyes. She turned toward him and opened her arms. He gathered her against his chest, and she felt as if she’d finally found her way home.

  Joanne rejoiced in the moment as they stood together in a silent embrace beside the glistening Christmas tree. Each ornament held a memory—baby’s first Christmas, the nativity, the whimsical ones she and Greg had given to each other. Perhaps this year, she and Benjamin would do something to begin a new set of memories.

  She felt Benjamin ease back, his gaze capturing hers. “I think we should sit a while and talk.”

  Talk. The word shuddered through her. Would this be his goodbye? Mission accomplished? In thirty seconds, their relationship could self-destruct.

  “Sure,” she said, trying to sound casual and confident, but she prepared herself for the worst.

  Once they’d settled on the sofa, she sensed his tension. He fidgeted without speaking and she felt her world being torn apart again. Lord, You’ve given back a daughter and now must I lose a—? She paused her thought. A what? Friend? No. A man she loved. She loved him with all her heart. The relationship had blossomed like a wildflower in the forest—unseen and in the shadows, but there and beautiful, until one day a wanderer stumbled upon the rare bloom.

  “What is it?” she asked, unable to wait any longer.

  Benjamin faced her and the truth. He needed to tell her. He’d kept it to himself far too long. “I guess I need to get something off my chest.”

  Her face reflected her concern.

  “I have to be honest with you before I can say any more,” he said. “When I was racing to the park, praying you were there and alive, I wished I had told you all of this yesterday. I was so frightened that if something happened, you’d never know.”

  “Know what?” She gazed at him.

  He leaned forward and rested his hands on his knees, his fingers twined together. He couldn’t look at her for fear she would react negatively. He feared he would disappoint her.

  He heard her sigh. She rubbed her arms as if she’d felt a chill, but he suspected it was more than that.

  “Remember a few weeks ago,” he said, “when you asked me why I’d never married?”

  “Yes. You said you’d been in love but it was a love that couldn’t be.”

  “That’s right.” He tilted his head and gazed at her. “Did that make any sense to you, Joanne?”

  “Not really. I guessed she might have been engaged or maybe married, but that didn’t seem like you, Benjamin.”

  “It’s not like me, but that was the problem.”

  She tried to cover her shock, but he could too easily read her face.

  “Do you want to talk about it?” she asked.

  “The woman was married, and I was ashamed of my feelings. I couldn’t control them no matter what I did, and I finally put it in God’s hands. He solved my problem.”

  “Was that while you were in Seattle? Or was it during college?”

  “Neither. It was only a few years ago, when I should have known better. I know God has forgiven me, but I hope you can.”

  “What is it? Do I know her?”

  “Yes. It was you, Joanne. I’d fallen in love with you.”

  “Me?” Her voice was a whisper. “You fell in love with me.”

  “I loved you and Greg both. I treasured our friendship, and I had no idea that my admiration and feelings for you would grow into something I could hardly control.”

  She searched his face as if waiting for a punch line, but he had none. “I did as I said. I asked God to get me out of the problem. The offer came for me to move to Seattle and take over the project there. When Greg died, I felt almost as if God were punishing me for my improper feelings. I knew better, but I could hardly face you. That’s why I was gone so long. I felt ashamed and guilt-ridden.”

  She reached out and touched his face. “I had no idea.”

  “I tried to hide it, but I feared it was emblazoned on my face.” He held her fingers beneath his palm. “Just as it’s emblazoned on my heart.”

  “You’ve loved me all this time.”

  Her dazed look would have made him smile if he hadn’t felt such agony.

  He nodded.

  “How could I not forgive you? You did everything you could to make it right.”

  “I dated in Seattle, but I could never find a woman who compared to you. You were the epitome of what I wanted in a wife.”

  “And now?”

  “My feelings haven’t changed, Joanne.” He felt ready to open his heart. “I love you now even more fully than I did before. You make me feel complete. You and Mandy would bring me such joy if you’d consider being my wife.”

  “Your wife?”

  “I don’t mean tomorrow…”

  A smile eased across her face. “Why not? I love you, too. It sneaked up on me like sunshine bursting through a rain cloud. You brought purpose and joy back into my life. I cherish you as a friend and I’ll cherish you as a husband.”

  He rose and drew her into his arms. His mouth touched hers in a tender blend of joy and awareness. One day she would be his wife, a dream he’d owned for so long. Today he could embrace the love he felt, and he prayed that if Greg could look down from heaven, he would be pleased to know that Joanne and Mandy would be loved and cherished as long as he lived.

  What more could he ask? God had been his guide. He’d led Benjamin on a long journey, a frightening journey, but he’d arrived home. Nothing could be more precious than to have Joanne and Mandy by his side forever.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Joanne sat in the waiting room of Foster Care Services with her hand in Benjamin’s. God had given her far more than she had ever expected. The days had flown past, unbelievable and wonderful. Even before she
learned that the DNA matched, she’d filled Mandy’s bedroom with new clothes, toys and games and a pile of gifts. It was as though she felt she could make up for the three years her daughter had been missing from her life.

  “Did you get a chance to look through the envelope Cortezi gave me?” Joanne asked.

  “The one from Donna Angelo’s luggage?”

  She nodded, remembering her shock.

  “I glanced at it—divorce papers, restraining order, newspaper article and the old photos. She must have put two and two together.”

  “That’s what I figured. Now I understand how this happened so long after the accident.”

  “Attorney’s mind here, but I wonder why she was taking it. I suspect either to blackmail Angelo for more money or to protect her from him if he found her.”

  “Probably the last reason. I don’t think she was a bad woman, Benjamin. I think she was petrified—scared to death that he might harm Mandy.”

  “Domestic abuse cases do go awry. I’ve seen cases where the complaint goes nowhere, and the woman’s left facing her husband’s wrath. We see it in the paper all the time when it’s someone famous.”

  She understood, and her mind slipped back to the haggard face she had seen across the mall.

  “You have a kind heart,” Benjamin said, giving her hand a loving squeeze.

  Joanne’s spirit lifted as she looked at him. Benjamin had been at her side, with his staunch faith and his wisdom, helping her to keep her head on straight.

  She could still picture her mother’s face when they went to the hospital to visit Mandy the day after the rescue. Joanne and her mother had struggled to keep their identities hidden from the child. The social worker had guaranteed that they would prepare the child ahead of time for the news. Joanne knew Mandy would continue therapy. She’d found a wonderful Christian counselor to give her daughter support as she adjusted to life in her real home.

  Joanne’s next greatest joy was Benjamin. He’d professed his love and she’d admitted hers. They’d sealed their confession with a kiss that had made her heart flutter like a schoolgirl’s. Her love for Greg would never fade, but she had so much love to give—love for Mandy, Benjamin, and, God willing, another child to fill their home and heart.

  The door opened and the social worker beckoned them inside. Joanne carried the plastic bag she’d brought from home as the woman led them down a corridor to another smaller lounge. When they entered, Mandy was there waiting for them. She gave Joanne a shy look and seemed more withdrawn than she had on the last visit, but that was to be understood. The adjustment would take time, and Joanne would let nothing detract from this moment.

  “Hi,” she said. “Are you about ready to go?”

  Mandy nodded. “Mrs. Allen said my name is really Mandy.”

  “It is. What do you think about it?”

  “I like it better than Connie, but it sounds weird.”

  “It will for a while.” Joanne sat beside her on the love seat.

  Mandy stared at the floor before speaking again. “I’m supposed to tell you when I’m mixed up or scared.”

  “I hope you do. I get scared, too. Very scared sometimes, but Jesus is always on my side.”

  “Jesus is with me, too.”

  Joanne’s heart leaped when she heard her daughter’s statement. “Did your other family teach you about Jesus?”

  “No, but my friend did. She told me all the stories. She got to go to Sunday school. I never did.”

  Joanne brushed her fingers along her daughter’s shining hair. “Would you like to go to Sunday school?”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “We’ll go next Sunday. It’s Christmas Day.”

  Mandy gave her a shy smile and nodded. “Do you remember me?”

  Joanne’s heart stuttered. “I’ve never forgotten you. Ever. I remember everything about you. You loved to sit on my lap while I read you a book. You liked to play with blocks, and I even remember the little heart birthmark on her leg.”

  Mandy’s eyes widened. “You remember that?”

  “I loved it. I used to kiss it when I changed your diaper when you were a baby or when I gave you a bath.”

  Mandy giggled as her hand touched the heart-shaped mark on her leg. “I don’t remember all of that.”

  “I know, but when we get home I’ll show you photographs of you when you were little.”

  “Okay.” Her gaze shifted to the sack Joanne held on her lap.

  “This was something else you liked when you were young. It’s pretty beaten up, but I thought you might like to have it. I’ve kept it for you.”

  Mandy gave her a curious look. “Was it my toy?”

  “It was. When you were two and three. You slept with it.” Joanne handed her the plastic bag.

  Mandy unfolded the top and looked inside. She delved down into the sack and pulled out the bedraggled plush puppy. Mandy stared at the dog, then at Joanne. She brushed her hand slowly over the stained, worn coat, then extended his frayed ears.

  Her eyes filled with amazement as she cradled the dog in her arms. She looked into Joanne’s face and searched her eyes as she murmured the name. “Floppy.”

  “What?” Joanne said.

  “It’s Floppy.”

  Tears inched from behind Joanne’s eyes, and she looked at Benjamin, astonished at what she’d heard. One day Mandy might remember more. If not, they would create a whole new set of memories.

  Benjamin leaned closer as if he didn’t want to miss a thing.

  Mandy removed one hand from the toy dog and raised it to Joanne’s cheek. “You’re my mother.”

  “Yes. I’m your mother, Mandy.” She did everything she could not to cry. She felt her cheek tick and her lips tremble with disbelief.

  “Can I call you Mama?”

  “Oh, my darling girl, you can call me anything you want.”

  She wrapped her arms around her daughter and let the tears flow in silence. At that moment, Joanne knew her life was whole and complete. She looked up and managed to give Benjamin a reassuring smile.

  When she saw tears roll down his cheeks, her heart swelled with the love that she felt. Nothing seemed more precious at that moment than to gaze at the man she loved and hold her child in her arms.

  Joanne sat on the floor beside the Christmas tree and grinned at Mandy, who was nearly hidden behind the pile of boxes she’d received from Joanne’s family and the gifts she and Benjamin had bought her.

  Mandy had spent the past few days with her, and though Joanne knew the relationship would take time, they had already bonded. Her daughter had shied from Benjamin for the first couple of days, but his love had been so full and open that Mandy’s fears had melted away, and she’d opened her arms to him, too.

  “I’ve never had such a nice Christmas,” Mandy said, her eyes glowing in the tree light.

  “I like my presents, too,” Joanne said, admiring the thoughtful packages her family had sent, and Benjamin’s lovely gift, a gold chain and cross pendant studded with Mandy’s birth stone.

  “I love my books,” Mandy said, pulling out a popup book that Benjamin had given her. The pages lifted to depict the Christmas story. Mandy flipped through the leaves, then turned the nativity scene around to show them. “This was where Jesus was born. See the cow? It’s a stable.”

  “Yet he’s the king of heaven and earth. It doesn’t matter where we’re from or where we’re born. What matters is what’s in our hearts,” Joanne said.

  “My heart has good things in it now,” Mandy said.

  Benjamin chuckled and lifted her into his arms. “Come with me, young lady. You can help me with a surprise.”

  “A surprise?”

  “It’s for your mama.”

  “Goody,” Mandy said, as Benjamin carried her down the hallway.

  Joanne rose and added a CD to the player. Christmas music drifted across the room as she settled back onto the floor. After a moment they returned, whispering to each other.

  “What’s
the secret?” Joanne asked.

  “You have another present,” Mandy said, her hands behind her back.

  “Is it from you?”

  She nodded. “Benjamin said it’s from both of us.”

  “Can I have it?” Joanne gazed at Benjamin and saw his smile broadening.

  Mandy hurried to her side and set a box in her lap. When Joanne opened it, her chest tightened. She knew what it was immediately by the size and shape of the velvet box.

  “It’s a ring,” Mandy said, apparently too excited to hold back.

  Joanne opened the lid and gazed down at the lovely diamond cluster. The tree lights caught in the facets and the ring shot fire. “It’s gorgeous.”

  “Okay, it’s your turn,” Mandy said, pulling on Benjamin’s sleeve.

  He shifted forward and bent on one knee as Mandy hovered beside him. He took the ring from the box and held it up to her. “Joanne, I would be honored if you would be my wife.”

  “Don’t forget the other part,” Mandy said.

  Benjamin chuckled. “And Mandy would be my daughter.”

  “You’d be my dad,” she said.

  “I would be. What do you think?”

  “I think it’s a good idea, because then we’d all get to know each other at the same time.”

  “I want nothing more than this,” Joanne said, opening her arms. Benjamin and Mandy joined her. They kneeled on the floor together, arms wrapped around one another, beside the Christmas tree. “Silent Night” drifted from the CD player, and Joanne knew that finally her night would be silent but her heart would be full. Today she’d found Christmas in the eyes of her child.

  ISBN: 978-1-4603-6239-6

  FINDING CHRISTMAS

  Copyright © 2005 by Gail Gaymer Martin

  Special thanks and acknowledgment are given to Gail Gaymer Martin for her contribution to the LOVE INSPIRED COLLECTION.

  All rights reserved. Except for use in any review, the reproduction or utilization of this work in whole or in part in any form by any electronic, mechanical or other means, now known or hereafter invented, including xerography, photocopying and recording, or in any information storage or retrieval system, is forbidden without the written permission of the editorial office, Steeple Hill Books, 233 Broadway, New York, NY 10279 U.S.A.