Changes

by A B Turner

  As before, I felt completely exposed, I almost leapt up from the sofa and pulled the discarded throw around my body. Jay looked completely stunned , even more so, when I suggested as it was late, he should probably go.

  “Did I hurt you?” he asked, clearly bewildered by my actions.

  “No, I just think you should leave,” I replied vaguely, wishing I knew what I was doing, as my mind seemed overflowing with a mass of contradictions. Jay shook his head in apparent disbelief as he dressed, after putting on his shoes, much to my dismay, he sat back on to the sofa.

  “We have this incredible sex, then you can’t wait for me to leave," he looked at me, clearly expecting some kind of explanation.

  Despite myself, I slumped down on to one of the armchairs, I owed him something , I knew that, but how can you explain something , you don’t really understand yourself? But one look at him, and it was clear I had to speak,

  “It's how you make me feel,” I sighed, “It’s like I’m out of

  control somehow, almost violent in a way ...”

  “And that’s a bad thing?” he asked, with more than a hint of disbelief in his tone.

  “ I don’t know, maybe...” I knew I was struggling, if the right words were there somewhere, I couldn’t find them, so I ended with a simple apology,

  “I’m sorry, Jay.”

  He sighed and stood up, he walked slowly over to me, kissed the top of my head and headed for the front door, just before he left, he turned back,

  "If you ever make sense of this, call me.”

  Before I had a chance to answer, he was gone.

  After tidying up,I ambled into my bedroom, I felt completely drained, unable to even think about what had happened. I clambered wearily into bed , switched off my mobile as I knew I really didn’t want to speak to anyone, then fell asleep.

  I was awoken the following morning by the shrill beeping of my alarm, having switched the persistent clock off, I flopped back on to my pillow, my head felt heavy for some reason, like I had some kind of hangover. As I waited for the feeling to subside, I reached for my phone, as usual, there were a couple of texts from Kat jokingly advising me against all manner of sexual practises, but there were also a couple of missed calls with the ID being registered as ‘unknown.’ For a moment, I speculated who this might be, but quickly decided it was probably one of those firms who ring you in the hope you’ve been recently hit by a bus and therefore eligible for a compensation claim.

  I looked back at the alarm, unfortunately, time had moved on and, if I was going to get to work , I would have to leave the comfort of my bed and have a shower, before putting on my uniform and facing another day.

  Less than an hour later, I was walking to work, I had decided not to even start thinking about the night before, I could talk about it with Charlotte at my next session, after all, I had no idea what my problem was, so to agonise over it all, would achieve nothing. Fortunately, although there was a distinct chill in the air, the sun was trying to make an appearance, and perhaps it was this fact alone, which lifted my spirits slightly. I resolved to text Kat during my break, I’d give her the edited highlights of my time with Jay over the phone, but I wanted to see her, maybe have lunch, as I selfishly hoped, she might be able to provide some insight into what was going on with me. We had been friends forever, if anyone might know, it could be her , added to which, I felt very guilty about not being more involved with the wedding arrangements, so it would be an ideal opportunity to offer some help.

  So even though usually I was overcome with dread when I arrived at work, this morning, I didn’t feel too bad which made a pleasant change. After the usual drudge of the morning, I was relieved to be heading towards the canteen and a peaceful lunch, during which I had every intention of texting Kat.

  As I entered, Phil and his mates were dominating the room with their loud conversation and raucous laughter,

  “Alright darlin’,” one yelled as he saw me hesitating by the counter, “I’ve got what you’re looking for!”

  The others all laughed, I chose not to turn round and acknowledge the comment, as I knew from experience, this rarely stopped anything,

  “I’ve got something you could nibble on!” shouted another, I was about to turn round when I heard Phil speak,

  “Leave it lads,” his voice sounded so firm, “Thought we were talking about the match tonight.”

  I glanced across the room, most of the men were quickly distracted when he opened a newspaper and started debating the rights and wrongs of a team selection, but one was clearly not so happy about being told what to do, he kicked off his chair and sidled over to me.

  “So darlin’ what you going to do for me?” he leered, draping one arm around my shoulders, I could smell the unmistakable aroma of chips on his stale breath,

  “Nothing,” I replied flatly, “Now if you don’t mind...” I tried to lift his arm off my shoulder, but his large hand gripped tighter.

  “Now that isn’t very friendly, is it?” he continued, I glanced across the counter at Daniel, he was clearly angry, when I saw him reach for a kitchen knife, I knew I had to say or do something quickly,

  “I’m just not feeling very friendly today,” I replied, adding, I was just having one of those days and he shouldn’t take it personally, I’d hoped this approach might make the guy leave me alone, but I was wrong.

  “I’ve got something that will make you feel better,” he persisted, I saw his hand reach for the top of his trousers, suddenly Phil appeared at his side,

  “I said leave it, Mick, she just wants to have some lunch.”

  Mick glared back at him, still with his grip firmly in place on my shoulder,

  “Fuck off Phil, this is between me and her?” he snarled, he turned back to me, “Now where was I?”

  Once more he reached for his trousers, but Phil grabbed his arm, twisted it until he had the hand wrenched up Mick’s back,

  “Stop being a wanker, Mick, leave her alone, before you get yourself into any more grief!”

  For a moment, the two of them were motionless, before Mick grudgingly agreed to walk away, once released, both he and Phil returned to their table, where the others had looked on with considerable anxiety.

  “So what bunch of wankers have they picked for the game !” Mick said loudly, as he retook his place, with a cursory glance at the paper, he groaned loudly,“That lot couldn’t find the goal with a fucking map!”

  The others, including Phil all roared their approval for this comment and peace, of some sort, was restored.

  I looked across at Daniel,

  “Are you alright?” he asked quietly, I nodded and placed my lunch order with him,

  “I’ll bring it over,” he said, I thanked him and walked over to my usual table in the corner, making a determined effort not to look at Phil, not that I wasn’t grateful for his intervention, but I didn’t want any of the others to notice any exchange between us. As I sat down, I glanced across at him, our eyes met for a split second, which gave me just enough time to smile my thanks which he quickly returned, before continuing the debate with his friends. When Daniel arrived at my table, he carefully placed the tray down, before sitting opposite me,

  “You sure you’re OK?” he asked, his eyes full of genuine concern,

  “Really, I’m fine,”I replied reassuringly.

  “Unlike Phil to get involved...”he continued, looking at me carefully, it was obvious, he was more than a little suspicious, but much as I liked him, I had no intention of telling him the history behind Phil and myself,

  “Perhaps everyone has a line, Daniel, and Mick obviously crossed Phil's, he's not all bad, you know,” I answered , relieved I had found an answer that was not only truthful but gave nothing away.

  “I suppose so,”Daniel replied thoughtfully, “Anyway, I need to get back to work.”

  Once alone, I settled down to eat and read the omni-present celebrity magazine someone always seemed to have left behind, I’d barely had a mouthful o
r turned a page, when I heard my phone ring from the depths of my handbag. At first, I was resolved to ignore it, but when it persisted, I reluctantly put down my fork and pulled out the phone, the caller ID was ‘unknown’, so unwilling to waste my lunch break , I switched the phone off and tossed it back into my bag. The magazine was full of the usual kind of nonsense, who was doing what with who, every article stressing the point, in some vague way, their words were merely speculation and not fact. As I turned each page, it seemed to become increasingly clear, even those who appeared to have everything, were just as messed up as the rest of us, it was just their mistakes and failings were laid bare for all the world to see and comment upon, with varying degrees of alleged expertise. I glanced up at the clock on the wall, somehow nearly all my lunch break had passed and I still hadn’t text Kat to arrange lunch, I was about to retrieve my phone, when Brian, the manager came in and looked around the canteen. I sighed, resolving I would have to speak to her later and got up from my table, knowing any delay in my returning to my desk was unlikely to go unnoticed.

  Later that evening, I called Kat, who readily accepted both my invitation to lunch and my help with the seating plan for her wedding,

  “I’m telling you, honey, this thing is a nightmare, if I mention it once more, Matt and I will get divorced before we ever get up the aisle...and, yes, I know that’s impossible, but you know what I mean.”

  “Well, bring it with you tomorrow and we’ll go through it together

  over lunch, where do you want to go?” I asked.

  “You choose, I’ll see you in town by the shoe shop, at around 1.00, OK?” she replied, I was about to say goodbye, when she spoke

  again,

  “And don’t think I’ve forgotten about your date, I want all the gory details.”

  “Supposing there aren’t any?” I joked.

  “Jesus,Carrie , this is me, and no-one knows you better than me.”

  “That’s what I’m counting on,”I replied quietly, almost as if I was speaking to myself.

  “Sorry honey, I didn’t hear that last bit,”Kat enquired.

  “Nothing, I’ll see you tomorrow,”I answered quickly.

  The following day, I looked out of the window, only to see rain pelting down, battering against the windows so hard, it sounded like pebbles were being hurled against the glass. Yet again I would have to wear my completely impractical coat but, at least, this time, I had an umbrella, so as long as it wasn’t too windy, I had some hope of meeting Kat looking halfway decent. Fortunately, once outside, the rain eased off and there was only a slight breeze, which meant I arrived at the shoe shop, still relatively dry, I was slightly early, so I stood under the shop awning and waited. While I stood there, I idly looked at the shop window, it was filled with a display of children’s shoes which made me think of Lainie, it didn’t seem that long ago, we would have come here to buy for her. I smiled as I remembered how she always wanted a pair of bright red stilettos instead of the sensible black shoes she needed for school,

  “One day I’ll have a pair,”she said firmly, her little face crumpled with a frown, completely at odds with her bouncing, curly hair, “And I won’t have to wear these!”

  I was so lost in this memory, I was startled when Kat appeared by my side, following my gaze, she was obviously slightly bemused by what could possibly have caught my attention,

  “Sorry, honey, you can’t have those, they don’t do them in your size!”

  “I was just thinking about Lainie,” I answered still slightly distracted, Kat threaded her arm through mine,

  “Come on, what happened to this lunch idea, I’m starving!”

  I laughed,

  “Alright then,” as we started to walk I noticed a large black file sticking out of the top of her handbag,

  “What’s that?Work?” I asked.

  “No, honey, much worse, that’s the seating plan,” she answered, “So where are we going?”

  We were on the point of making a decision, when the rain restarted and we dived into the nearest wine bar, we had been there many times before, so the food was good and,best of all, there were quite large tables, which could accommodate the dreaded file.We tumbled through the door and quickly found a suitable place near the back of the main room, leaving Kat to clear a space, I made my way to the bar to order lunch and a bottle of wine. I was just reading the menu, when a voice spoke,

  “Can I help you?”

  I looked up and recognised Karl immediately, but tried desperately not to reveal this fact to him, so I placed my order with a friendly yet polite tone, before returning to the table. Kat had now opened the file to reveal a bewildering double page spread of squares which, on closer inspection represented tables, she then produced a small bag of cards,

  “I’ve written all the names down, so we can arrange them,” she explained, carefully emptying the bag on to the sheet, “So where shall we start?”

  “Perhaps a glass of wine first?” I suggested, “Might help us think a little more clearly.”

  Naturally, we both settled back in our seats and started chatting, temporarily leaving the plan untouched, almost immediately she asked me about Jay, even though I went into some detail about our time together, Kat knew me too well and guessed I was attempting to leave something out,

  “So what’s the problem, honey?” she asked, when I paused to sip my wine, I looked back at her,

  “I don’t know really, I just feel out of control with him,” I began slowly.

  “And that’s a problem?”she continued,“Why?”

  I sighed, wishing I knew how to put what I was feeling into words, to make her understand, after all, if I could get through to her , there was some hope it might start to make sense for me.

  “When I’m with him, whatever we’re doing, I want more of it, to feel it more, until it's violent, it takes over,Kat , I’m just out of control and it seems alright at the time, but then, I hate it....” my voice trailed away. Kat put her hand on mine, her dark brown eyes filled with concern,

  “Honey, do you think it’s got anything to do with Steve?” she asked.

  “I don’t know,maybe,or perhaps there’s just something wrong with me,”I mumbled. Kat snorted with derision at this suggestion,

  “There’s nothing wrong with you!”

  “Well, I’m going to counselling, so maybe she can sort my head out,” I replied, Kat sat back with a degree of surprise at this admission, but as I explained my reasons for going, she was quick to praise my positive attitude, before cheekily asking, if Charlotte was a wedding planner in her spare time, we both laughed and returned to the seating plan. We were still poring over it, when Karl came over to the table with a tray bearing our lunch,

  “There you go, ladies, enjoy,” he said, I glanced up and saw him looking intently at Kat , but her gaze was fixed firmly on the sheet in front of her,

  “Thanks,” she muttered, somewhat disheartened, Karl turned away and returned to the bar, as I laid out the plates, I felt secretly ashamed of how I had ever doubted her, in an effort to make up for this, I insisted I was paying the bill, without revealing why this was important to me.

  “What have I done to deserve this?” she queried.

  “Let’s just say, it’s for being you,” I answered.

  “Well, I can’t argue with that, I am pretty special,” she joked, “I should be celebrated at every possible opportunity.”

  “Don’t push it, Kat ,” I laughed, before pouring us both another glass of wine,” Now, where were we?”

  After much deliberation, we finally sat back in triumph, the seating plan was done, with every possible care taken, nobody would be anywhere near the person who was most likely to antagonise them, therefore subverting any potentially awkward scenes.

  “I can’t believe it’s done!” Kat sighed happily, “Thank you so much, Carrie, if it wasn’t for you, I would have ended up putting all the names in a hat and hoped for the best!”

  “My pleasure, now, unless you w
ould like anything else, shall I get the bill? I asked, Kat nodded and I headed for the bar, while she carefully folded the sheet back up, making sure she did not dislodge any of the cards. We reunited at the door and stepped outside, despite everything, I still felt unbearably guilty about my doubting her word, so I knew we could not go our separate ways before telling her the truth, after all, our honesty with each other had been the cornerstone of our whole friendship. As Kat turned to say goodbye, I knew this was my chance,

  “I have a confession to make,” I began hesitantly, at first, Kat smiled and was clearly about to make some joke, but clearly, she gleaned from my expression, I was being serious,

  “Go on, Carrie,” she answered.

  “When you told me you had finished things with Karl, I didn’t believe you, I don’t know why really...” I paused, glanced up at her, but there was no discernible expression, “I was worried maybe you were having second thoughts about getting married, or in some weird way, you were trying to prove a point....” I sighed heavily, “Anyway, I just wanted you to know, I am really sorry, I should have known better.”

  I looked down at the pavement, I had a horrible, almost nauseous feeling in my stomach which just seemed to get worse as we stood in silence, after what seemed like hours but was probably only a matter of seconds, Kat took my hand,

  “Look at me, Carrie,” when I glanced up, there was no trace of anger in her expression, “As long as we’re confessing, after we spoke that night at your place, I did see Karl again, but only to finish it with him.”

  “What happened?” I asked, my voice barely audible.

  “You were right, everything you said that night was true, and it made me realise just how lucky I was to have Matt and how close I was coming to losing him, and all because of some stupid idea about having one last fling, so you see, my honey, you saved everything, OK?”

  Her large brown eyes looked directly into my own, hoping to see some sign I understood, I nodded,