Changes

by A B Turner

  “Hey Carrie.”

  I looked round and saw Daniel striding purposefully towards me, when he arrived at my side, he plonked himself down on the bench,

  “Mind, if I join you?” he asked.

  “You already did,” I laughed.

  “But do you mind?” he persisted, his bright blue eyes sparkling in the sunlight.

  “Of course not,” I answered, he beamed back at me and started to open his sandwich, between mouthfuls we chatted about Kat's wedding, it turned out Matt had invited him to the stag night,

  “I haven’t been to one in years, do people still shave off eyebrows and leave the groom naked and hand-cuffed to a lamppost?”

  “Well you could, as long as you won’t mind telling Kat, I’m not sure she’ll take it well,” I replied. Daniel pondered this while he took another bite,

  “She can be pretty scary,” he said quietly, his worried expression made me laugh so much, I almost choked, forcing Daniel to pat me vigorously on the back until I was able to speak again.

  “Will you save me?” he asked nervously.

  “Normally I would, but if you lose Matt, you’re on your own,” I answered.

  “Fair enough.”

  We finished our lunch, we laughed and chatted so easily, by the end of the hour, I was reluctant to return to my desk. Just as we were about to go back inside, Daniel took hold of my arm, making me turn to face him,

  “Carrie, can we get together some time? Away from this place,” his eyes were still sparkling, but there was an urgency about the rest of his expression.

  “Do you think that’s a good idea?” I asked, caught between wanting to continue being with him, but being all too aware of the possible pitfalls of doing anything more than lunch.

  “I don’t know anything other than I want to spend some time with you,” he replied bluntly, I looked at him for a moment, trying to make what I thought would be the ‘right’ decision, when I failed to answer, he released my arm.

  “Well, I suppose that means no,” he said sadly, turning to walk away. Suddenly what was right or wrong didn’t seem to matter,

  “Daniel,wait ,” I called, he looked back at me,“Why not? Just say where and when.”

  A huge smile spread across his face,

  “Tonight,my place,” he replied, before almost skipping through the doors and back to work, I followed slightly less quickly, as I was far from convinced, I wasn’t making a terrible mistake. If it was true I loved him, but I didn’t want a relationship, was it really fair of me to go out with him again? Or was I just deluding myself? Had I changed since the day by the river and now saw him differently? Saw myself differently? As I ambled back to my desk, I secretly wished I could somehow contact Charlotte, like calling on a genie, so she could advise me.But I knew, even if I could, she would only ask me to question myself and my motives, which was a long way from just telling me what to do. But, I had agreed to see him and, if I was being honest, I was looking forward to our evening together, so I resolved to abandon the soul-searching and just see what happened.

  Chapter 7

  Only a matter of a few hours later, I was curled up at one end of the sofa in Daniel’s living room, despite my earlier worries, the conversation seemed to flow smoothly between us, we laughed a great deal and, whether it was the wine, or the company, I felt myself relax and just enjoy being with him.

  “So how’re the wedding plans going?” he asked.

  “Well, I believe the dress is completed, but there are are few problems getting the Queen to agree to allow Kat to wave from the balcony at Buckingham Palace after the ceremony!” I laughed, Daniel smiled,

  “And what about you? How are you?”

  At first, I wanted to give him an almost throwaway answer, but his expression was one of genuine concern and, added to that, we were friends,

  “To be honest, it’s all been a bit weird lately," I began, but when I noticed this seemed to darken his mood, I quickly added I was fine, just probably trying to adjust to life without Laine being around. Daniel put his glass down and shifted towards me slightly,

  “Perhaps I could make you feel better,” he said quietly, his eyes fixed on my face, obviously searching for some kind of positive response, when I didn’t answer, he leant forward and kissed me gently. Although his lips felt warm on mine, I knew allowing this to go any further would be a terrible mistake, yes, sex with him was good, but I knew from experience, there were no one night stands with Daniel, it meant something to him, which it didn’t to me. I was still unsure of what it was I wanted, but I knew I had no intention of hurting him, so I pulled back. For a moment, Daniel seemed temporarily fazed by this reaction, but without adjusting his position, he asked what was wrong.

  “ I just don’t think it would be a good idea, you and I,” I answered truthfully, hoping he would understand, but from the swift change of expression, it was clear he did not, he pulled back angrily,

  “But you and Phil Weeks was a good idea?” he snarled, glaring at me, his normally bright blue eyes, seeming to narrow to nothing more than two blinding pinpoints of pure white light. I swallowed hard, but tried to retain a little composure,

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked, hoping against hope, my past experience with Phil was not common knowledge at work, Daniel slammed his hand down on the coffee table,

  “For God’s sake, Carrie, don’t treat me like an idiot, all that saving you the other day from Mick, Phil would only do that if you were one of his warehouse fucks!”

  I put my glass down carefully, picked my bag up from beside the sofa and started to stand, on seeing this, Daniel grabbed my arm,

  “So it’s true then?You know you’re not the only one he has, there’s a fucking list ! What day are you, Carrie, Monday or Friday? Go on tell me, I want to know !”

  I looked steadily at him, for a moment, before answering, I knew I wanted to choose my words carefully, as despite everything, I still had no wish to hurt him,

  “We can talk,but first, I’d like you to let go of me,” I glanced down at his hand clamped firmly across my body, with some reluctance, he released his grip and sat back slightly, without changing his expression.

  “Thank you, now, I care about you, Daniel, but I just don’t think it would be right for anything to happen between us, I’m going through a lot of stuff now and...well..” as I struggled, his patience drained away,

  “So it’s the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ crap, is it ?” he snapped angrily.

  “It’s true !” I shot back, starting to feel a growing sense of annoyance myself.

  “So you won’t have me, but you’ll fuck Phil on the warehouse stairs when he clicks his fingers !” he yelled, his furious eyes almost burning into me, realising this was going nowhere, I quickly stood up,

  “Coming here was a mistake, I should have known better, I’m sorry,” I said quietly but firmly, I had no desire to argue with him and it was obvious I should leave. I had already reached the front door before Daniel moved from the sofa, as I reached for the handle, he almost ran across the living room and grabbed my arm, forcing me round to face him,

  “You love me, you know you do !” he said, his expressive face showing every detail of both the desperation and hurt he was feeling.

  “You’re right, I do love you, but not in the way you want,” I replied honestly.

  “What kind of crap is that?” he yelled incredulously.

  “The truth, Daniel,” I answered simply, he stormed away, only to spin on his heel and march back, glaring back at me,

  “But in six months time, you might realise you wanted me all along? I’m not going to sit around forever!”

  “I would never ask you too,” I answered, I reached up and touched his cheek, the simple tenderness of this gesture seemed to somehow remove some of his anger, his hand dropped to his side and he looked sadly at the floor,

  “You’re an amazing person, Daniel, don’t waste your time with me,” I added, he looked up at me and obviously
saw something in my face that convinced him I was telling the truth, I lightly kissed his cheek and turned to leave,

  “You take care, Carrie,” he said quietly, I said goodnight and walked through the door, knowing I had done the right thing.

  As it was not too late, I decided to walk home, it was one of those nights where when you looked up at the sky, it looked as if someone had scattered tiny diamonds across deep blue velvet, surrounding an almost- full silver moon. Although it was chilly, there was something about walking past houses filled with light and noise, which, at first, I found comforting, I glanced through one large window, to see a family settled on a sofa watching television, at the next house, a young woman was rocking a tiny baby in her arms, as I passed, she half-smiled at me, before turning away. As I continued home, I found the comfort I had felt ebbing away, all these houses were homes, making mine seem very empty, incredibly dark compared to all this light, suddenly, I stopped, completely filled with the knowledge I didn’t want to be alone, not tonight. I looked up the darkened street, for a split second, I considered going back to Daniel, I knew, at first, he would be wary of my apparent change of heart, but I could talk him round, we’d spend the night together, me lying in his arms, safe...not alone, but, good as this idea sounded, my feet refused to move, as if they knew just how unbelievably selfish I was being and would play no part.

  I sighed heavily, plunged my hands deep into my coat pockets and walked home, thankful I had not given in to the momentary panic, but still wishing I was not going to spend the night alone. As I reached into my bag for my keys, I found Jay’s card, before I even really thought about what I was doing, I grabbed my phone and dialled the number,

  “Hello Carrie,” he said, his voice sounding vaguely surprised to hear from me.

  “Are you free tonight ?” I asked, unwilling to observe the usual pleasantries.

  “Actually, I’ve just finished a meeting, so...”

  “Are you free, Jay?” I persisted.

  “Yes, what’s this about Carrie? Are you alright?” clearly my tone was causing him some concern, but at that moment, I didn’t want his concern, I wanted him, even though, how he made me feel, scared the hell out of me.

  “I don’t want to talk, just come over,” I ordered.

  “I’ll see you soon,” he replied, obviously choosing to delay asking any questions until we met, as soon as the phone went dead, I raced inside the house. I literally threw my coat in the general direction of the coat rack in the hall, kicked off my shoes and quickly scanned the room, fortunately everything was relatively tidy. I checked my reflection in the mirror, I had taken some time to prepare for going over to see Daniel, so I only really needed to brush my hair and apply a fresh coat of lipstick. As I waited for Jay, my heart was beating with almost uncontrollable nerves, what was I doing? Hadn’t I spent time worrying about how this man made me feel? Yet here I was, blatantly inviting him over for sex, OK, I had felt alone when walking home, but, doing this surely wasn’t the answer, this final thought occurred just as I heard a car pull up outside. I leapt up as if I was on fire,

  “I don’t care, I don’t want to think anymore !” I said loudly to myself as I stood up and walked quickly to the front door, I waited to hear the knock, breathing so fast, it felt as if my lungs were on the point of bursting, after what seemed like hours, I heard a firm rap making my heart almost leap out of my chest. I took a couple of deep breaths in an attempt to calm down, before opening the door, Jay stood there, dressed in a dark suit, the top button of his pale, blue shirt was undone and his tie was pulled down slightly.

  “Good evening, Carrie,” he said calmly, a knowing smile crossed his lips, “How are you?”

  I said nothing, I stepped forward, took hold of his tie and pulled him towards me, after the door had swung shut behind him, I forced my mouth on to his, plunging my desperate tongue between his lips, where it was met by his, with equal force. Unwilling to stop, I almost tore his jacket from his shoulders , throwing it to the floor and still, with our mouths locked in some kind of frenzy , I dragged him into my bedroom. We fell on the bed, almost instantly his hands were furiously tugging at my clothes until my breasts were exposed, his mouth left mine and fell on them, biting and licking with pure lust. I writhed with pleasure , I reached down between us and forced my hand through his trouser fly, grabbed him and guided him firmly into me. He sat up, taking my thighs in his hands, bent my legs before plunging them both upwards and sideways, allowing him further and further into me, with almost a raging force, he pumped harder and harder, I looked up at him, his eyes were almost black,

  “You want it harder,” he hissed, I nodded eagerly, with one deft move he flipped me over until I was on all fours in front of him, within seconds, he was inside me again, his hands gripped round my hips forcing me back on to him. I tried to move, but his hold on me was too tight,

  “You’re going nowhere until I’ve given you what you want,” he said firmly, still pushing deeper and deeper, when he was happy I had no intention of moving, his hands slipped up on to my jiggling breasts, his fingers swarmed over them, sending shockwaves through my entire body. He was everywhere, nowhere was left untouched, it was if he owned every piece of me, forcing me to give in to whatever he wanted. I was completely lost, the tides of pleasure just kept coming, crashing over my naked, writhing body, until I felt there was no more he could do. Just then, I felt him ram into me, three or four long, hard bursts until suddenly a gush of burning liquid was released inside me, I heard him moan but I cried out with a devastating combination of both pleasure and pain. For a few breathless moments, we remained locked, but the muscles in my legs started to scream for relief, so I reluctantly moved, allowing them to straighten. Jay flipped me over, he then fell on me, until his head rested on my sweat-soaked shoulder, our bodies wrapped around each other so closely as if they had melted together with sheer heat.

  As we lay there, I looked down, his long dark eyelashes fluttered slightly, before his hand slipped up between my breasts, it slid around them, before settling on the one furthest from him, with knowing precision, he stroked the nipple, almost idly circling it with his fingers. I was so lost watching him, when I felt his mouth on the other, the shiver of pleasure sent a ripple of heat down my spine. At first, his tongue was gentle but quickly, I felt his whole mouth devouring me, despite being sure I was completely drained, I could feel myself becoming wetter with each eager bite. I pulled at his strong thigh,wanting him to feel the oozing warmth, guessing what I wanted, he pushed his whole body between my legs, so I could grind into him. I clawed like a wild animal as if I could, through brute force, have all of him inside me,

  “Tell me what you want,” Jay ordered, as I drove myself harder and harder against his firm body, before I could speak, a towering rush of pleasure swamped me, I cried out, completely unable to control any part of my body anymore.

  “Tell me what you want,” he repeated, I looked at him through half-closed eyes, my body still trembling wildly, I opened my mouth as if to speak, but still no words came out, there seemed to be no air left in my lungs and my heart was struggling to keep beating. Jay smiled, before sliding down the bed until his face was only inches away from my navel, without shifting his eyes from mine, he kissed me so lightly, I could only just sense the touch of his lips. Transfixed, I watched as he moved steadily lower and lower, his hand pushed my thigh open, before he kissed my hip, every part of my craved the feeling of his mouth on me, but he stopped,

  “Do you want me here?” he said, his fingers gently stroking inside my thigh, while still looking at me.

  “Yes,” I croaked, slightly arching my back so my hips rose towards his face, hoping he would taste me with that rampant tongue, but he made no movement, other than the casual touch on my thigh. Without speaking, I forced him to change position, until I was at the opposite end of the bed, resting on my side, with my face lingering over his navel, allowing his head to rest on my thigh, giving total freedom for both of us to taste eac
h other. Jay looked down at me, as I took him in my hand, before allowing my tongue to lick long strokes along his flesh. Almost as soon as my lips touched , I wanted all of him in my mouth, I rammed him into me and licked, sucked and bit him uncontrollably. As I fed on him, I felt his mouth starting to explore inside me, his tongue forcing its way into every wet recess of my body, his hand gripped my back, pushing me closer and closer to him. After only moments, he filled my mouth with his body, thrusting deeper and deeper until suddenly, after one last movement, he exploded in my mouth, I opened my lips slightly, to allow the hot liquid to drain away down my face. As I did so, I felt his tongue whip into me with one last burst of force, my muscles all seemed to clench at once before giving in to the relentless pleasure.

  I rolled on to my back, almost grateful to feel the cool air once again, as we had been locked together for what seemed like hours. Jay flopped back and stared up at the ceiling, one hand tucked behind his head for support, while the other fingered the gold chair around his neck, he seemed lost in thought.

  “Are you alright?” I asked.

  “I’m waiting for you to say I have to leave,” he replied, the matter-of-fact tone took me by surprise, until I thought back to earlier nights, where I had all but thrown him out after sex. I moved next to him and touched his cheek, which made him face me,

  “I’m not ready for you to go....not yet,” I said quietly, a slight smile spread across his face.

  “Oh really? What do you want?” he asked, his eyes glittering with mischief.

  “Why don’t you guess?" I answered , I moved forward and kissed him, easing my tongue into his mouth, before pulling back to look at him again, he pretended to think for a moment, before admitting he had no idea.