Changes

by A B Turner

  “You're making it sound like it's over, "I sniffed, Charlotte shook her head,

  "That is not for me to say, Carrie, but, if I had to make a guess, I would say it hasn't run its course just yet, I don't think you're ready to leave it in the past and, considering everything you've told me, well, I would doubt whether she is either."

  Although I knew she had virtually nothing on which to base that opinion, I found some small grain of comfort in her words.

  Charlotte passed across a box of tissues,

  “ Since meeting you, Carrie, I have been struck by your complete openness about attraction, you genuinely make no distinction with regard to gender, age, colour, or any of the other definitions the majority of people seem all too eager to apply.”

  Despite wiping my nose, I sniffed loudly again,

  “What does that mean? ” I asked.

  “It means, you don’t see a man or a woman, it is simply how they make you feel which matters, I can assure you, many of the people I see would benefit enormously from having even a tenth of your outlook,” Charlotte said almost-admiringly, I smiled back weakly, still not entirely convinced my ‘outlook’ was proving to be particularly beneficial for me, but I was instantly aware of how selfish that sounded.

  “What should I do now? ” I asked, tossing the used tissue into the waste basket, as the tears seemed to have subsided.

  "I think you should take some time to really consider everything we've talked about today, and, if I may make a suggestion.."

  She paused, when I nodded for her to continue,

  " Maybe have some time before seeing Jay again"

  “ Actually my daughter’s coming home next week, I think I’ll try and just concentrate on her for now,” I answered firmly.

  “That sounds like an excellent idea,” she looked up at the clock,

  "So, shall I leave it with you to make another appointment ?"

  I nodded, picked up my bag and stood up,

  “Thank you for seeing me, Charlotte, I appreciate it,” I said truthfully, she shook my hand warmly,

  “I know you may have found today difficult, but hopefully, you feel you’ve made some progress.”

  “Actually, I do,”I answered, Charlotte smiled at my obvious surprise at the truth in this statement, she showed me out of her office and I left the building.

  Chapter 8

  For the next few days, I spent every available moment preparing for Lainie’s homecoming, filling the cupboards with all her favourite snacks and the fridge with every kind of ice cream, she had ever said she enjoyed. I wanted everything to be perfect, with all the heightened emotion of the past weeks, the prospect of returning to the role of ‘Mum’ seemed unbelievably desirable, as it was probably the only one, I really knew what I was doing. The night before she was due, an exhausting bout of housework was interrupted by the phone, I hurriedly scrambled past the vacumn, almost tripping over the extension cord, before grabbing the persistent mobile from the table,

  “Hello, Lainie?" I gasped.

  “Sorry honey, it’s just me,” replied Kat, “What are you doing to get so out breath ? Or should that be ‘ who ’?”

  I collapsed on to the sofa,

  “Just the housework, Lainie’s back tomorrow and I’m trying to get everything straight,” I answered.

  “She lived in that place for years, honey, so she knows what it’s like,” she teased gently, I was about to complain about her lack of understanding, but I could hardly argue, when she was so obviously right.

  “I know,” I conceded, “But you know how impatient I am, these past days seem to have crawled by, so I’ve just tried to keep busy.”

  “Well, don’t wear yourself out, you don’t want her coming home to find you, comatose on the sofa, still clutching your duster !” she laughed, despite myself, I couldn’t help but laugh as well.

  “Perhaps I have done enough!” I joked.

  “Honey, if you clean anymore, they’ll be using your place to perform surgery!”

  Realising Kat would be able to find almost limitless mileage in this particular strain of humour, I quickly changed the subject to the wedding, for several minutes, she explained how all the plans seemed to be coming together, despite her initial misgivings.

  “Can you believe it, Carrie? In a few days, we’ll all be off on this mysterious hen weekend of yours, then I’ll be sailing up the aisle to become Mrs Croft...it’s just a shame my name isn’t Lara ! ”

  We both laughed, she was about to add another comment, when I heard Matt calling her in the background,

  “Sounds like he needs your help, you should go,” I suggested.

  “You’re right, I’ll speak to you soon, give my love to Lainie, won’t you?" she asked, before I had a chance to answer, I heard Matt shout again, this time with slightly more urgency,

  “Sorry Carrie, got to go, love you,” Kat said quickly.

  “Me too,” I answered, just before the phone went dead, I wearily stood up and looked around the room, she was right, every surface gleamed and the cushions were plumped within an inch of their lives, it was definitely time to put the vacumn away. As I dragged it unceremoniously to the cupboard, I happened to catch my reflection in the hall mirror, I looked a mess, my hair was tied up in an untidy ponytail and there were slight traces of dirt smudged across my face, it was clearly time to perform a bit of restoration on myself. I glanced at the clock, I was anxious not to miss the news in case there was any mention of Vanessa, it was 9.30, if I hurried, I would just have time to shower before the programme began, so after ramming the cleaner back into the cupboard, I rushed to get washed.

  Fortunately, just as I emerged, I heard the familiar sound of the news starting on the television, despite still being wet , I quickly wrapped myself in a towel and settled down to watch. After seemingly endless interviews with various politicians, who it seemed, were asked a number of questions they had no real intention of answering, preferring instead to rely on tried and tested phrases which sounded good but were, on closer analysis, meaningless. As I was about to switch off , a picture of Vanessa appeared on the screen, I sat forward,

  “Earlier today, it was reported, Vanessa Bonart left hospital this morning, despite considerable media interest, it appears the American actress managed to allude the waiting paparazzi and is now believed to be recuperating somewhere in the country, over to our reporter who is outside the hospital....”

  As I watched, it became obvious, no-one really knew where Vanessa was, other than, it was almost impossible for her, to have left the country completely, as she would need more time to fully recover before she could travel. The reporter went on to explain, Ryan James was recovering well, but was possibly going to be facing some kind of charge, as it seemed there was allegedly some evidence to suggest, he had been the driver of the motorbike, which was recorded by speed cameras, as travelling at over 100 mph just before the accident occurred. I shook my head in disbelief at how careless they had been, the reporter ended with a veiled criticism of Ryan, before handing back to the studio. I switched off the television and headed into my bedroom, as I dried off, I wished there was something I could do, some way of contacting her, just as this thought occurred, I remembered, before the accident, Marcella mentioning she would send details of when I was going to meet Vanessa,

  “E-mail?” I asked myself, “After all, she would hardly send a letter.”

  I threw on my bathrobe and raced to my laptop, I had been so absorbed in everything else that was going on, I had barely checked my mail, mainly because it largely consisted of endless communications from various shops, insisting I would regret it, if I didn’t visit their shop/website etc immediately, I had got so tired wading through them, I had fallen into the habit of just checking it every so often. As the screen leapt into life, I scanned down the list held in the Inbox, starting from the oldest first, as expected, there were the usual ‘special offers’, but there, in the middle, was an email from ‘Imelda.’

  ‘ Imelda
is available on Saturday, please come to previous location as Albert will have the relevant information at 11.00 a.m..’

  Despite the fact, this simple message would mean nothing to anyone else, I knew Marcella was asking me to go to the hotel where I had met Vanessa before, the ‘Albert’ mentioned was one of the deputy managers who had smuggled me out. For a moment, my mind raced back to that night, but a newer email caught my attention, forcing me out of the memory,

  ‘ Due to unforeseen circumstances, Imelda will be unavailable, but she has asked me to assure you, she will have an appointment for you as soon as possible, so will be in touch, if that is acceptable.’

  I re-read the words again, clearly, I was expected to answer, I glanced at the time of the email, it had been sent earlier that day, I paused, knowing I would have to choose my words as carefully as Marcella. After several minutes, I began to type,

  ‘I appreciate your notification of the unexpected cancellation , will await to hear further instruction with considerable interest.’

  As I pressed ‘send’, I could hardly fail to acknowledge how far these few simple words were from what I would like to have written, but hopefully, a time would come when I would be able to talk to Vanessa in person. I was just about to switch off the computer, when another email appeared , it was from ‘Imelda.’

  ‘Many thanks for your communication, will arrange appointment asap.’

  I smiled, relieved Vanessa was obviously recovering and well somewhere, leaving the laptop on the table, I wandered back into my bedroom, with Lainie coming home tomorrow, the day was ending on a distinctly positive note. As I slid into bed, I heard the phone ring again, I clambered out and cursed myself as I trudged back into the living room to retrieve it,

  “Hello, Carrie, it’s Jay, how are you?” his deep voice had the same effect as melting chocolate on your tongue, but I tried to sound calm and unmoved,

  “Hello Jay, I’m fine, how are you?”

  “I’m good, although I know I would be infinitely better if I was there with you,” he replied simply, I could feel my heartbeat quicken, as the thought of being with him again

  flooded my mind.

  “Oh really?” I answered, sounding as nonchalant as possible.

  “It’s been a while since we’ve met, I was becoming quite concerned,” he continued politely.

  “I’ve been rather busy,” I replied, now struggling to maintain some composure, as my head was now crammed full of images of the two of us together.

  “Are you busy now?” he asked innocently, every sensible part of my mind was literally screaming at me to say a defiant ‘yes’ before finishing the conversation, whereas, there was a small voice somewhere at the back, asking what possible harm could come from inviting him over. The sensible part of my mind struggled to make itself heard, to remind me of Charlotte's suggestion to maintain some distance, but that small voice was louder and more persistent. I knew I sounded like an addict, as I attempted to convince myself ‘this would be the last time’, but I didn’t care, I just knew, I had to see Jay again, my body was now literally craving him,

  “Carrie? Are you still there?” he asked, clearly slightly concerned by my silence.

  “Yes, I’m still here,” I answered, stalling for time, in the forlorn hope, good sense would prevail over my basic desire, but when I heard his voice again, it was all over.

  “So?” he persisted.

  “Come over,” I replied, startling myself with the directness of my words.

  “I’ll see you soon,” he answered, before the phone went dead.

  Before I had time to make sense of what I had just done, there was a knock, still only wearing my bathrobe, I went to the door, assuming my neighbour had locked herself out again, after all, Jay could not possibly have driven here so quickly. But as I opened the door, there he was, on seeing me, he smiled broadly, his violet eyes sparkling,

  “Hello Carrie.”

  “You must have been very sure I would say ‘yes’,” I said suspiciously.

  “No, I hoped you would......there’s a distinct difference,"he replied," may I come in?”

  I stepped back and he walked past me into the hallway, where he stopped and looked at me,

  “You look good,” he said quietly, he leant forward and kissed me gently, the feeling of his mouth on mine, released a shiver of electricity quivering down my spine. Despite all my misgivings, I parted my lips and allowed his tongue into my mouth and join mine, as we kissed, he edged me backwards towards the bedroom, by the time we fell on to my bed, any hint of caution was lost and I pulled of his shirt, burying my face into his chest. He forced me on to my back and pulled open my bathrobe, exposing my breasts, he looked down with pure lustful admiration, I ached for him to feast on them, but he seemed to be trying to hold back, for some reason. Impatient for his mouth, I began fondling each soft mound of flesh, slowly at first, but as I found myself becoming increasingly aroused, I massaged them more fiercely, running my hands over the erect nipples. After only seconds, Jay grabbed my hands and held them over my head, unable to squirm free, I relaxed slightly,

  “Do what you want,” I said quietly, still with one hand clamped over my own, at last, his mouth was on me, devouring one breast while his one free hand pushed the second closer to the first. Once both breasts were rammed together, his mouth seemed able to be all over them both, I felt his teeth ravenously biting into me, I arched my back upward so I could feel his body between my naked thighs. Almost instantly, I was pushing hard against him, the feeling was so overwhelming, I could barely breathe, I pushed harder and harder, frantically grabbing for him, desperate to have him inside me before I allowed myself to give in to the tide.

  Sensing my need, Jay flipped me over until I was on all fours in front of him, he drove into me with such force, I almost fell forward on to the bedpost. I felt his large hands clamp round my hips and pull me back on to him, I had no choice, but to allow him complete control, as he thrust into me over and over again.

  The sheer pleasure shooting through my whole body was too much and I just gave in to its intensity, as I writhed on his lap, I felt him explode inside me, filling my already over-flowing body with more. As I gasped for air, he pushed me gently down and turned me back over, again as I looked up at him, his eyes were no longer violet, but a dark, purple, they were framed by his black hair, as I pushed my fingers through the tangled curls, I could feel the sweaty evidence of his passion. He straddled me, the darkness of his flesh in total contrast to the almost snow-like colour of my own, without speaking, he traced imaginary lines across my breasts, circling around the nipples without actually touching them, as if on cue, they eagerly rose once more, hoping for the touch of his mouth.

  Almost gently, he leant forward and allowed his tongue to play with each one in turn,

  “These are so beautiful,” he mumbled, as his tongue gave way to his whole mouth, once more, he pushed the quivering breasts together, biting and licking each, as I watched, I could feel the sticky warmth slipping out of me, coating my thighs. I reached around his waist and roughly pulled him towards me, the suddenness of this move seemed to temporarily confuse him, until he was only inches from my mouth. I took him in my hands and began licking the very tip, I felt his thigh muscles twitch violently, with great satisfaction, I took all of him into my mouth, he sighed heavily. As I allowed my mouth to explore every inch of him, I felt him push forwards, as he brushed past my teeth he shivered slightly, before pushing again. The more I used my teeth on him, the more out of control he became, thrusting deeper and deeper into my eager mouth, growing larger and firmer with each movement. Although his weight across my chest was almost suffocating, I didn’t care, I just wanted to force him to lose control, I gripped his back, sinking my nails into his tight flesh, allowing him no escape from my frenzied mouth. He seemed to fill every crevice in my mouth when he burst into me, he cried out with pleasure, before roughly pulling my hands apart and gaining his freedom. He rolled over and lay next to me,
panting heavily, unwilling to give up control, I took the opportunity to slide my soaking thigh over his body, until I was pressed against his hip bone, with my other leg stretched out parallel to his own. Despite his breathlessness, I felt his hand slip up my leg, when his fingers reached me, I parted my thighs, inviting him inside. He turned just his head to look at me, he smiled as I felt his fingers ease into me, I tried to resist the urge to move , but within moments, I was pulsing back and forth, as he pushed deeper and deeper,

  “Let go Carrie?” he whispered.

  I smiled my answer, unable or unwilling to speak, as I was on my side, my breasts were squashed together, Jay buried his face between them, sucking and biting them, for a moment, he was so lost in satisfying his hunger, his fingers slid out of me. I was so near to total pleasure, I grabbed him and forced him inside me, grinding my whole body on to his, I knew he wasn’t ready for me, but I could not stop, I clawed at his back forcing him inside me, the sensation of his hard body against my soaked thigh, sent me tumbling over the edge and into the abyss of total abandon.

  I collapsed next to him, exhausted, unable to even think, let alone move, we lay there in the darkness, no part of one touching the other. After several minutes, as my heart beat slowed, my head started to clear and I tried to make sense of how he could so easily incite this insane passion in me, to the point where every last insatiable cell of my body craved him , but I couldn't and maybe it didn't really matter any way. As thanks to Charlotte, I had finally managed to distinguish between the driving force of unadulterated lust and basic violence. Being with Jay was rampant , physically primal, but was never going to be anything more, I knew that, so what was I doing? Inviting, no, demanding his attention. I glanced across at Jay, he too seemed lost in thought,after several more silent minutes, he sat up and looked back down at me,

  "Carrie, pleasurable as this is, I believe it's time for this to end," he paused , perhaps waiting for me to protest, but,when I said nothing, he continued,