Perfectly Flawed

by Dani René

  “You kept it.” His words are whispered in awe.

  The small gold butterfly pendant I’ve worn every day for the past four years has never left my sight. I’ve held it on lonely nights, and I’ve had it hanging from my neck each day he was gone. And now that he’s here again, I wore it for him.

  “It’s the best birthday present I ever got. Sweet sixteen, remember?”

  He nods at my words, then turns away as if he’s angry, but the tension radiating from him tells me there’s more to his reaction than I think.

  “Ryder…”

  He looks at me then, the tee still in his hand when I reach for it and drop it back where it was. Finding the courage, I pull the tank top I’m wearing up. Once it’s on the floor, my black sports bra is the only thing I’m wearing, besides the sweatpants that have a matching pair of panties to my bra underneath.

  “Jesus, Piper.” Ryder runs his fingers through his short-cropped hair. “I can’t do this now.” He’s at war with himself. The bulge in his sweats tell me one story, while his mouth voices another. There’s tension in his muscles, in his arms.

  I take one more step and lift my hand, settling it on his bare chest, trailing my fingertips over the smooth tanned skin, along the lines of the ink that adorns his flesh. The wolf that’s inked on his neck peeks at me, howling at something, and I wonder if it’s the pain Ryder’s been through. The significance of that one piece of art is breathtaking.

  “I can’t stop if you keep touching me,” he warns. His eyes burn through me. All those nights in my bed thinking about him, about how he would feel on top of me, his body between my thighs. I fantasized about him more times than I can count.

  “And if I don’t want you to stop?” I question. My head tips to the side, watching him for an inkling of refusal. But he doesn’t offer it. He doesn’t move.

  “We can’t do this here, I can’t… We can’t… Fuck,” he hisses. Spinning on his heel, he stalks away from me. My hand falls to my side, and my heart aches in my chest.

  “We don’t have to do anything, Ryder. I just want to know what’s going on with you. You’re blowing hot and cold.”

  “Listen to me, Piper.” He turns, his eyes casting a warning glare over his shoulder. “I’m not the boy who left. I’ve changed.”

  “And I’m not the girl you left, Ryder. We all grow and change, but—”

  “There are no buts, Butterfly!” He growls his response, causing me to step back in shock. He’s never been so adamant or so harsh with me. But this right here is something the new Ryder has become. A cold, hard man I no longer recognize, but sadly, I still love.

  6

  Ryder

  “Why are you pushing me away?” Her question is pained, raw and emotional, and it rips at my heart more than I care to show her. I’m not right for her. I’m a broken man who has no right to claim her.

  I can’t face her. My body vibrates with anger, need, and the desire to kiss her until she can’t breathe. To steal every breath of her innocence and taste every flavor of her heart and soul. Shaking my head, I stalk toward the shattered window and look out over the forest that sits behind the warehouse.

  All my life, I wanted something good, something that was mine. Not given to me by my parents and not offered to me by friends. But mostly, I needed to grasp onto something that held me steady and that one thing is right here, and I can’t take it. My choices in life have made sure I can’t have a girl like Piper.

  “You need to leave, Piper,” I tell her once more, but she’s stubborn. She won’t walk away from this until I hurt her. It’s the last thing I want to do. Seeing the tears in her eyes is not what I want, but I don’t have a choice. She needs someone who can give her a happy life, not someone like me.

  “Listen to me, Ryder. Whatever’s happened—”

  “Jesus, Piper!” I bite out, spinning on my heel. “Just do something I ask you to do!” My voice booms through the vast space. It vibrates through my chest. My throat is raw with emotion, with the agony of telling her to leave me. Her gentle gaze turns so fucking sad, I feel it rip my heart from my chest.

  “You know something, Ryder?” she retorts hotly, stalking toward me with anger flashing in her pretty eyes. Her pink painted fingernail pushes against my chest as she prods me with her index finger, and I let her. I want her to hurt me. “I never pinned you for an asshole, but you’re just like my brother.”

  Her words hurt because I’ve always wanted to be better than Preston in the sense of how he treats her. But right now, she’s exactly right. I am an asshole.

  “Why did you come back, Ryder?” She taunts further. “To fuck with me? To mess with my head and break my heart? Well, I’ll tell you something.” Her eyes fill with tears. They’re ready to fall. One blink and they’re streaming down her face, causing tracks of sadness on her pink cheeks. “You’ve already broken my heart, time and again, and me? I’m the fucking idiot who let you. No more.”

  The venom in her words jars me. I’ve never heard her curse. Never. And now she’s spitting the words as if it means nothing. Her body visibly vibrates and I realize she’s freezing. Her skin is dotted with goosebumps.

  “I didn’t mean—”

  “Fuck you, Ryder!” She interrupts me, spinning on her heel.

  I watch her grab her top, shrug it on angrily and stalk out of my life, leaving me with nothing more than an aching chest. Sighing, I rush toward her, hoping to catch her before she can get on her bicycle. I know it’s the way she would’ve gotten here. She’s always loved that old thing.

  As soon as I reach the door, I step outside to find her struggling to unlock the chain. She’s pulled on her hoodie, hiding her curves from my gaze. I take the stairs tentatively, not wanting to make her even angrier than she already is.

  “Can we start over?” I ask gently. I need to get her home safely, then I’ll leave and not look back. I’ll head back to LA and she can be free of me.

  “Why?” Her hands on her hips make her look guarded, as she should be. “Tell me, Ryder. What is the point of me giving you a chance to make it up to me? Only for you to rip me to shreds again?” Her question hangs between us and I want to rip it from the sky and trample it to the ground.

  “Just let me take you home at least? It’s cold. You’re going to get sick,” I tell her, hoping to make her see I’m right. She’s silent, her lips pouting in that sweet, sexy way that makes me want to claim them. To devour her mouth, tasting her.

  “Fine.” She finally gives in and I nod.

  “Let me grab my keys and we can go,” I tell her, but she doesn’t respond. Instead, she pulls her phone from her pocket and taps out a message to someone. Jealousy flares to life in my mind and I wonder if there’s someone else in her life. No. There can’t be. She wanted me. She came here for me, so there can’t be another guy.

  Turning, I head inside. My phone and keys are beside the stereo. Once everything is turned off, I head back outside and unlock her bike from the railing. As soon as I make sure it’s safely in the backseat of my SUV, I open the passenger door for her. Before she settles in the seat, she pins me with an angry glare but doesn’t say anything.

  In the driver’s seat, I steal a glance her way, wondering what’s going on in her pretty little head. Her cheeks are no longer wet and I’m thankful she’s stopped crying. Putting the car in drive, I pull out onto the dark road. It’s going to be a long fifteen minutes to get back to her house. Reaching for the radio, I turn on the system and we’re met with the melodic voice of Jay Sean singing “Cry.”

  Every lyric he sings feels as if he’s taking a stab at Piper and me. A soft sniffle comes from my left, and I look over to see her shimmering cheeks in the dim light of the almost non-existent sliver of moon above us. I stop the car, pulling up onto the side, and kill the engine.

  “Piper—”

  “Just take me home, Ryder,” she says softly, her voice thick with emotion. “I can’t do this.” Her words are pained, and I know I’ve done this. I’v
e hurt her and I have to live with it.

  “I’m sorry,” I tell her then.

  She turns her head, meeting my guilty gaze with her teary one. “Why did you come back?”

  “I don’t know,” I lie. I can safely say it wasn’t the pressure from Jeremiah and Preston. But I do know I wanted to feel normal again, and the only way I could do that is by seeing her again. And now that I have, I realize it was a mistake. Being around her only confirms I’m not normal. I never will be again and I should stop trying.

  “You’ve never been a good liar,” she says, looking right through my façade and seeing the darkness, secrets, and guilt that sit like a lead weight in my chest.

  “No, I haven’t. But your choice in guys is something you need to work on,” I joke, hoping to lighten the mood. Because as much as I want her to be happy with someone else, I still miss her smile. I want her to remember me in happier times.

  “Ryder, I’m probably too young, maybe I don’t have enough life experience, but…” her words trail off, her fingers twisting the material of her top. When she meets my gaze once more, she smiles. “I will always want you,” she confesses.

  The words cause my chest to tighten painfully. I want her as much as I did years ago, but I’m not the same person I was then.

  “I’m sorry,” she mumbles quietly.

  “Never be sorry for being honest,” I urge her. “Look at me.” When she turns her head to me, I cup her cheeks in my hands, reveling in the silken skin below my fingertips. “I fucked up, Piper. I’m not the same person I was four years ago.” It’s the most I can give her because the truth is something I’ll never be able to offer.

  “Then why don’t you trust me enough to tell me what happened?” Her big eyes implore me and I can see the desperation in her expression. She needs me as much as I need her, but I don’t know how to be that boy she fell for.

  “It’s not that I don’t trust you.” I sigh, sitting back against the leather seat. I look out at the dark road and wonder where the fuck I’m heading. My life has changed drastically because of what I did, and my dreams are no longer feasible.

  “Then what?” she questions.

  I can’t respond, so I don’t. We sit in silence, looking through the window at the blackness that envelops us in its cold uncertainty.

  I reach forward, twisting the key to start the engine. A soft purr. Nothing more can be said. I can’t offer her what she needs. If she knew what I’ve done, Piper would never look at me the same again. I drive her home with a heavy heart. The agony grips me painfully. It feel as if time has stopped at this moment.

  She exits the car without saying anything. I watch her walk up to the door. She’s left her bicycle in the back of the car and I wonder if she’s done it so she can see me again. Perhaps to ask me to come back and bring it to her. Once she’s inside the house, I get out and open the backdoor.

  Tugging her bike from the car, I set it at the entrance where she’ll see it. It’s a goodbye. It’s a farewell to the person I wanted to be with her. Sighing, I hop into my car and head back to the house I grew up in.

  Being home has many disadvantages. With my parents’ home, it’s like being in prison. All this time, I’ve run and run. Now there’s nowhere else to go. I’m stuck here because I can’t face reality. I can’t come clean.

  “Ryder,” my father’s strict tone comes from behind me. His face is rigid, his posture as well. The lawyer who makes millions a day, who doesn’t care if his family is falling apart as long as he can play golf with his buddies. The man who cheats on my mother every day he walks into his office. The one person I hate more than myself. Henry Kingsley.

  “Dad,” I respond without a smile. We’re not on good terms. We’ve never been. When he doesn’t say anything else, I head up the stairs. As soon as I reach the landing, that’s when he decides to throw a snide comment my way.

  “I trust you’ll leave that little girl alone. She’s far too young for you.” He turns and leaves me staring at the empty space he’s just vacated. Asshole. My friendship with Piper came easily, but he is the only one who noticed how close we got over the years.

  Maybe that’s why he didn’t care when I said I was leaving. Perhaps he wanted me gone so I wouldn’t do something stupid with her. Only, I did. I allowed her to become attached, but most of all, I fell in love with her.

  My bedroom is on the opposite side of the house to everyone else and I’m thankful for that when I shut the door and exhale. I should’ve gone to the apartment I’d rented when I arrived, but I need to be closer to her. A few doors down is the house that had been off-limits to me growing up, where I know Piper will be sound asleep in her room while I sit on my balcony thinking about her while I smoke my cigarettes.

  Seeing her today in those low-hung sweatpants and tank top did nothing to quell the urge I have to fuck her. She begged me to take her virginity. She’d wanted someone she could trust, but deep down, I wonder if that was a good idea.

  I could’ve done it. Right there in the warehouse, I could have lifted her against me, driven my dick into her, and then walked away. Or I could just walk away now and let her lose it to someone who’ll hurt her worse than I ever can. Both options make me an asshole.

  Flopping onto the bed, I place both hands under my head and study the ceiling. The patterns I’ve looked at since I was ten swirl above me. I want them to take my mind off her, but nothing will. Nothing ever does.

  My phone buzzes and I lift it to find her name in big black letters staring back at me. I don’t think twice about unlocking the screen and tapping the message.

  Hi, this is Piper. You can call me Butterfly. So far only one person does.

  I can’t help the grin on my face from her message. It’s a mirror version of the first text message I ever sent her.

  Hi, this is Ryder, but you can call me Asshole. Most girls do.

  I hit respond and tap out my response.

  Tell me, Butterfly, what are you doing right now?

  The three dots bounce as she types out her reply and I find myself invested in this. I’m not sure why she’s doing it, but it seems to ease the tension between us.

  Lying on my bed, wondering if someone’s thinking about me.

  What if he is thinking about you?

  Then maybe he should stop acting like an asshole and call me.

  I chuckle at her sassy response. Tapping her name, I put the phone to my ear and listen. It rings three times before she finally answers.

  “Hi, asshole,” she says, but the smile in her voice is evident.

  “Butterfly,” I murmur. “You’re so bad for me.” My words are an honest, raw confession.

  She’s silent, then I hear her sigh. “And you’re perfect for me.” Her softly spoken words only serve to make me want her more. To need her here in my arms where she was always meant to be.

  “I’m flawed, baby girl. I’m broken.”

  “Then we can be perfectly flawed together,” she says in a hopeful tone and I wonder if she could be right. “I’ve never wanted anyone else, Ryder. It’s been you, it will always be just you.” There’s a small glimmer of hope in my chest. With each word she utters, it ignites into a flame flourishing into a wildfire.

  “I can’t give you what you want,” I tell her, hoping to keep the pain from my voice. I shut my eyes, wondering what she’s doing. If she’s sitting in her window seat or if she’s in bed. It’s late, and she should be sleeping, but the selfish part of me doesn’t want to let her go.

  “And what if you can? Unless I don’t mean anything to you.” Her voice sounds small and the gruff rumble from my chest must tell her I’m annoyed at what she’s just said. She has no right to think that about herself.

  “You mean everything to me, Piper. But, as they say, if you love something, let it go…”

  “And if it comes back you’ll know. You came back, Ryder.” I can hear the urgency in her voice. Her plea. She’s begging and I can’t deny I want to be with her. To give her everythi
ng she’s asking for.

  “Good night, Butterfly. We’ll talk soon.”

  Before she can respond, I hang up. Pushing off the bed, I head downstairs to the kitchen that still looks as if my mother just walked out, leaving it spotless. She was the one person who enjoyed being a family. My father never wanted me. At least, it felt like he didn’t all my life.

  “Ryder.” My father’s voice comes from the doorway. “You’re to stay away from the Beaufort house. I know you and Preston are friends, but the girl is off-limits. Do you understand me?” My father used to be a handsome man, with those green eyes, dark hair, and his sculpted features. My mother used to gush about how many women wanted him.

  But now he looks aged. Not because he’s older, but because it seems like life itself has taken its toll on him.

  “Dad, I’m twenty-three. There’s nothing wrong with me spending time with Piper. She’s an adult now, and so am I.” I’ve always kept my relationship with Piper platonic. Even when I noticed her crushing on me, I fought my feelings and made it clear to her that we were just friends. I recall the day I told her. I could see the tears she blinked back, shrugging it off like it didn’t affect her, but I knew it did.

  “I’m looking out for you. I know you may not think so, Ryder,” he says, closing the distance between us. He places a hand on my shoulder, squeezing it, and I know that’s my father’s sign of affection. “I just don’t want you to get hurt.”

  “Why would I get hurt?” My question stills him for a long while. The look in his eyes tells me there’s something he’s holding back. A secret.

  “I’ve made many mistakes in my life, Ryder. And, as much as I know it’s part of life to learn from those mistakes, I don’t want you to fall into the same trap I did.”

  My brows shoot together in confusion. “What do you mean?”

  “Just please be careful,” he says, and my heart crashes into my ribcage. Something’s wrong and he doesn’t want to tell me what it is.