Jaded

by Tess Thompson

  “No. It’s not about work. Jeez, Honor, what’s wrong with you?”

  “I don’t follow.”

  “You’ve been through a lot today. The last thing I want to do is talk about work. I want to check in and see how you’re feeling. See if there’s anything I can do, other than keeping you safe here.”

  “That’s enough.” Even to herself, she sounded evasive.

  “Zane told us about your cancer…and the rest.”

  Instant heat traveled the length of her body. “He told you?”

  “Yes, to explain why he acted like a jerk last night.”

  “It wasn’t his to share. Not even with the Dogs,” she said. “I didn’t want anyone to know.”

  “But why? Why do you care?”

  “Because I like to pretend it never happened. It was just another year of hell to add to all the others.” Was she crying? Jesus, her cheeks were damp. She didn’t want to talk about this. What she really wanted to do was punch Zane in his perfect nose.

  “You beat it. That’s just like you,” he said.

  “The doctors did it.” She stood as if to go. She would go. Out to the pool and a big glass of wine and the sun. She wanted to stop thinking and feeling.

  “Don’t run away.” Brody’s voice lowered. He reached for her hands. “You and I have been through some tough stuff together. I’m here if you need me.”

  “Brody. Stop. You’re being ridiculous. I’m fine.”

  “You’re not fine. I know you. It’s okay to be scared. You don’t have to be tough every living moment of the day. We’re your family now. The Dogs and Kara. We have your back. I won’t let anyone else hurt you.”

  “I know that. I’m here, aren’t I?” Honor tugged her hands from his and swiped her cheeks.

  He moved around the desk to grab a box of tissues. “What that man did to you—I’d kill him with my own hands if I could.”

  She yanked a tissue from the box. “I never think of it. There’s a little switch in my brain. I just turn the switch and poof, all the bad stuff’s gone.”

  “Except it’s not.” He looked at her with such sympathy that it made her want to cry more. “Remember when I was being such a dimwit about Kara.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Like all of us, Zane’s a flawed human being. Men, you know, aren’t always great at expressing their feelings. Maybe give him a chance to explain himself before you jump to your go-to.”

  “Which is?” she asked.

  “Anger.”

  “Anger.” Anger insulated her from pain. It gave her energy. All these years it had propelled her forward when she could have just rolled up and died.

  “He told me he didn’t react well to your thing,” Brody said.

  “You can say it. My infertility.” Her voice caught. Damn Brody.

  “I’ve known Zane for a long time,” Brody said. “He’s not always the most articulate, especially when it comes to expressing love.”

  “Your point?”

  “It’s not the infertility issue that scared him. It was the cancer. As in, he’s afraid to lose you.”

  “It’s not like he has me now,” she said.

  “He wants to,” Brody said. “If you’ll give him a chance.”

  “I swear, ever since you met Kara you’ve become really bossy.”

  He pulled her into a hug. “Come on, let’s get you a glass of wine.”

  “Finally, something sensible.”

  Chapter Eleven

  Zane

  * * *

  IN BRODY’S BACKYARD, Zane stood with Brody and Jackson in the outdoor kitchen. With a pizza oven and enormous grill, along with a long table that ran through the center of the space, it made a great gathering place. Designed with pale stonework, the covered area was a haven from the hot afternoon sun in the summer. In the winter, they strung lights from the rafters and brought out the outdoor heaters.

  Right now, Jackson stood over the grill. Brody reclined with bags of ice over his knees. Scents of grilled chicken and vegetable skewers filled the air. Kyle and Lance tossed a rubber ball back and forth in the shallow portion of the pool. Late afternoon sun coated the yard and house with a yellow glow. Zane opened beers from the outdoor refrigerator and passed them over to Brody and Jackson. He poured himself a vodka on the rocks. This day that should be glorious was empty. He had to make it right with Honor. The moment he had the chance, he would. So far, she was huddled inside with Kara.

  When Brody first moved into his custom-built house, jealousy had pierced through Zane. All his life, envy was an insidious sin that plagued him. As much as he loved Brody and admired him for his work ethic, the envy crawled under his skin like a million sharp-clawed insects. He’d expected to be over it by now, but it was as strong as ever, maybe more so because his options were limited these days. When he was young, the whole world lay before him. He would conquer it and come home rich. But that wasn’t to be. The rest of the Dogs were all moving up in the world while Zane remained stuck.

  Self-worth was not about dollar bills, and yet, it was. Still, after all these years, he remained an outsider. Serving the rich instead of being one. Sure, Brody, Lance, and Jackson had been born into wealth and carried on the legacies of their fathers. Brody was a second-generation professional football player who would eventually become an announcer like his dad had been. Lance was not only born into wealth but blessed with the kind of mind that could turn numbers into riches. Jackson was the son of the beloved town doctor.

  It was true that Kyle had started out in worse shape than Zane, but now, look at him buying half of California like a man possessed by a demon. But Zane? What did he have? No talents other than fixing a mean martini. Burdened with a father who had scraped and saved and worked twenty-hour days only to be rewarded with a degenerative condition in what should be his retirement years.

  If Zane could control his bitterness, he would. What would it take for him to feel like success had come to him? Would a successful brewery do it? He would make it so. Kyle was right. They would all get something they wanted out of the deal.

  “You want some chips or anything?” Brody asked him. “You don’t look so hot.”

  “Nah. I’m good with a drink,” Zane said. He should be hungry, but he wasn’t. His stomach churned in a jumble of nerves.

  “Listen, I may have gotten you into more hot water with Honor,” Brody said. “She knows you told us about her cancer.”

  “Figures,” Zane said. Great. That was all he needed. Honor madder at him.

  Jackson looked up from turning a skewer on the grill. “She didn’t want anyone to know, obviously. But that’s not the way this group of friends works. You tell one of us, we all know.”

  “Sorry, brother,” Brody said. “I was trying to help your case.”

  “It’s all right. I seem to make a mess of most things when it comes to Honor,” Zane said.

  “Just tell her what’s in your heart,” Jackson said.

  “Easy for you to say,” Zane said. You always know exactly what to say to everyone. Not me.

  He looked up to see Honor and Kara coming down the stairs from the upper patio, both holding glasses of white wine. Honor wore a cover up and an adorable straw hat. The outline of a bikini showed through the flimsy material of the cover. Large, round sunglasses hid half her face. She looks like a movie star. What would she want with a jerk like me?

  Zane watched Honor untie her cover up and toss it onto the back of a chaise near the hot tub. Her bikini was the same aqua marine color as the pool. Kara, also, had stripped down to her bathing suit. Should he go over there? No sooner had he wondered when Kara shot him a look—get over here now. That answered that question.

  Here goes nothing. He crossed the warm surface to the other side of the pool area. As he crossed paths with Kara, she whispered in his ear. “You can do this.”

  When he reached Honor, he stopped at the end of her chaise. She stared down at her phone and didn’t look up at him.

  “Hey,�
� he said.

  She lifted her head and peered up at him from under her hat. “Hey yourself.”

  “How’re you holding up?” He could see his reflection in her glasses, bloated and deformed like a Picasso painting.

  “Other than there’s a rapist on the loose, just fine,” she said.

  His gut twisted at the word rapist. Gorham had raped a ten-year-old. How did this man get out of prison? How did he survive prison? Zane looked down at his hands. Get control of yourself. Be strong for her.

  “The guy in your driveway—do you think it was Gorham?” he asked.

  “I have no idea.” Even though he couldn’t see her eyes behind the big glasses, her bottom lip trembled.

  “I wish I could do something,” he said.

  She took off her sunglasses and stared straight ahead, avoiding his gaze. “Me too.”

  Her eyes were red. No makeup. She’d been crying.

  “Mind if I sit?” he asked.

  “If you want.”

  He sat with his feet between their chaises. The straw hat made a waffle pattern on her neck. He’d love to touch her skin there, to tease it with his mouth until she arched her neck and wrapped her arms around him.

  “You had no right to tell everyone about my cancer,” she said.

  He turned toward the outdoor kitchen. Kyle and Lance were out of the pool now and opening beers. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

  “I kept it a secret for a reason,” she said.

  “You don’t want people to look at you like a sick person, or a person who could get sick. I get it. I was wrong to tell them.”

  “I don’t know why you would do that.” Some of the anger had left her voice.

  “I got caught up in the moment,” he said. Defending myself.

  “Now everyone will wonder if I’m going to get sick again. And now they all know I can’t have kids. It’s more than I want people to know about me.”

  “These people care deeply about you. They want to be part of your life.”

  “Cancer’s a part of my past,” she said.

  “Everything that happens to us along the way makes us who we are today. When I think about everything you’ve been through in your life and what you’ve accomplished, I’m amazed.” How was that for vulnerable? “You’re even tougher than I thought.”

  “Well, if you’re going to say it like that I might not be so mad for much longer.” The corners of her mouth twitched.

  Might as well continue apologizing. “I’m sorry about last night too,” he said.

  “No reason to be.”

  “That’s not true. I froze. That’s all. I didn’t know what to say. You misunderstood my silence. After I left you last night, I wanted to throttle myself. My reaction hurt you. That much was obvious. But I didn’t know how to self-correct the course. I’m sorry I hurt you.”

  “Okay, then, what did your silence mean?”

  “I don’t care if you can’t have children.” Great. There it was. As ungraceful as could be. Just like him.

  She put her sunglasses back on. “Zane, really. Just don’t.”

  “Just don’t what?” he asked.

  “Don’t lie to me.”

  “I’m not lying to you. I’m a lot of things, but a liar isn’t one of them. It’s not about children or no children. The cancer. That’s what scared me.” He took in a deep breath. “I’m scared to lose someone I care about. Again.”

  “Lose me? Like if I got sick again and died?”

  “It sounds awful when you say it like that,” he said.

  To his surprise, she laughed and ripped off her sunglasses.

  “I have no intention of dying any time soon. I just had a checkup. Still cancer free. They got it all, then followed up with chemo. I’m fine.” Her pouty mouth lifted into a smile. “We’re all going to die, you know. There’s no way any of us are making it through alive.”

  “I know.” He rubbed his temple, embarrassed. “It sounds stupid when I say it out loud. But it’s where my mind went. I care about you. A lot.” The last part came out no louder than a whisper. “When I love someone, they tend to leave.”

  Her brown eyes softened. She moistened her upper lip with the tip of her tongue. “I’m not going anywhere.” She surprised him again by swinging her legs off the chaise and placing them between his. “Have you ever thought our problem is that we’re too much alike?”

  “It’s crossed my mind.”

  He leaned closer. “I’m going to kiss you now.”

  “Not here,” she said. “Everyone’s watching.”

  He stood and pulled her to her feet. “Let’s go somewhere private then.”

  She didn’t protest. He kept hold of her hand and steered her to the pool house. Once inside, he closed the door behind him and pulled her to him. The smell of chlorine and sunscreen crept up his nose. The sun trickled in between the slots of the wooden shades. She removed her hat and tossed it on the bench behind them. He caught a scent of her hair and breathed it into his nostrils, hoping it would stay there.

  “I’m really bad at all this,” he said. “Obviously, I don’t deserve you and I know it, but I hope you’ll give me a chance to try. After this is all over and they’ve got that monster back where he belongs, I’ll take you somewhere nice.”

  “I’d like that. I guess.” Her eyes filled with tears. One dropped from her eye and trickled down her cheek. He caught it with his thumb.

  “Don’t cry. Please, I can’t stand to see you sad or scared,” he said.

  She didn’t answer but raised her brown eyes to peer into his. This close to her, he could see the remnants of mascara on her lashes, uneven now. She’s unravelling. I have to be here for her to stitch her back up. Was he up for the task? He very much doubted he was, but God help him he was going to try. Be a man and step up. Which, strangely meant being vulnerable. Was this the key to intimacy? If it was, he was woefully unprepared. Just ask Natalie. She would have dozens of examples of when she needed him to be transparent and let her in, but instead he’d run from her. If only someone had told him when he was a boy that strength didn’t translate to stoicism. Rather, it was to reveal his inner life—fears and insecurities—all of the pain that came from living.

  “Everything’s all messed up. Gorham being here—it’s like my old world collided with my new one. I thought it was all behind me. The feeling of being violated in your sacred place is back.”

  “I’m so sorry.”

  “He did this to me. The cancer came from him,” she said. “They said it wasn’t true, but I know it. He broke me in more ways than one.”

  “But you’re strong. You’ve won by living.”

  “I can’t give you the life you want or deserve.” She placed her hand on her stomach. “In here, there’s nothing. You deserve a woman who isn’t broken.”

  “You’re not broken. You just can’t have children.”

  “To a woman, that’s the same thing,” she said.

  “Maybe I don’t even want children. It’s not something I’ve thought about since Natalie left me.”

  “But with her you did, didn’t you?” she asked.

  “I guess so.”

  “I can’t be responsible for your life being a disappointment,” she said. “You think it’s fine now, but later, after the blush has gone off the rose, you’ll start to resent me.”

  “I don’t think so.”

  “But you don’t know. I’ve done research on it, Zane.”

  “Research doesn’t mean squat.”

  “It does.”

  “Research is about other people, not us. The way I feel about you—how much I admire you—how much I love you—none of that can be wrecked by infertility.”

  Her eyes were as round as pennies. “Did you just say you love me?”

  Had he? He had. “Yes. I’ve loved you for a long time. I’ll love you a long time from now. You don’t have to say it back, just let me have a chance to fight for you. That’s all I ask.”

  “You love
me?”

  “I love you.”

  “Oh my God,” she said. “Even with all of it. All the brokenness?”

  “Maybe because of the brokenness.” He caressed her jawline with his thumb. “Your face is a perfect heart.”

  “Your face is just perfect,” she said. “I’ve never been in love before.”

  “Are you in love with me, do you think?”

  “I don’t know,” she said.

  “How does it feel when I’m around you?”

  “Like I just want you close, all the time,” she said. “Sometimes like I want to strangle you.”

  “Sounds like love to me,” he said.

  “It’s not as much fun as other people make it look.”

  “That’s because I haven’t been doing it right,” he said. “But all that changes today. To even the score, do you want to know a secret? Something I’ve never told anyone? And you can tell everyone.”

  “Yes, please.”

  “I’m jealous of the other Dogs. To the point where it makes me blind with rage.”

  “Jealous? Because of their money?”

  His first instinct was to make a joke. Say something about how much better looking he was than them, so it couldn’t be that. But his first instinct was not what this moment needed. He should tell the truth to the woman who understood him like no one else could.

  “Yeah.” Zane gestured toward the house, knowing that in that innocent flick of his fingers she would know exactly what he meant. This house and yard that represented monetary fortune. “I’m ashamed of it. I am.”

  “I’m jealous sometimes too. Not of wealth so much as what all this represents. Brody and Lance’s family made them secure and generous. They were wanted and loved and focused upon. It’s so obvious. All that love feeds on itself and gives them all the tools they need to build lives of substance. I will never have that, no matter how much money I make.”

  “I had my dad,” Zane said. “He wasn’t always the most effusive with his affection, but his actions made up for it.”

  “Sometimes I pretended he was my dad,” Honor said.

  His chest ached with all that meant.