The Soldier's Sweetheart

by Soraya Lane

  “Holt,” he replied.

  His brother stared off into the distance. It was obvious that he’d been caught out looking at Sarah.

  “We see more of Sarah these days than we did for a long while,” Holt told him.

  Nate tried to act disinterested, but the reality was that he was anything but disinterested. Seeing Sarah again had made something within him, something he hadn’t felt in a long time, stir to life again. No matter how hard he was trying to force it back down.

  “She having her horse broken in here?” Nate asked. He knew from the letters Jess had sent him that her new husband was something of a horse whisperer, but he’d never had the chance to get to know him.

  Holt dropped to his haunches, plucking at a blade of grass and avoiding eye contact. Suited Nate fine. The last thing he wanted was to be interrogated again.

  “Johnny’s giving her a hand. It’s nice to see her smiling again.”

  Nate raised an eyebrow in question, met his brother’s gaze when he looked up.

  “You don’t know about her and Todd, do you?” Holt asked.

  Nate shook his head, slowly. “What do I need to know about her and Todd?” He hated the guy, even though he couldn’t blame him. Sarah had married one of his best friends, and he’d never forgiven either of them.

  “Look, Nate,” Holt began, standing up again and fidgeting like the last thing he wanted was to have a conversation about Sarah and her husband. “Todd’s out of the picture, that’s all I’m saying. I thought you’d want to know, but if you want details, then I think you should ask Sarah. It’s her story to tell.”

  Nate couldn’t help the frown that took over his mouth. “So you’re fine with telling me her marriage is over but you’re not going to tell me what happened and why?”

  Holt sighed. It wasn’t something he remembered his brother doing often. “Nate, there’s no reason to go jumping down my throat. I just don’t think it’s my place to tell you, okay?”

  He swallowed what felt like a rock. Tried to channel his focus into the dull thud in his leg, anything other than ripping into his brother again.

  “I’m sorry.” Nate choked out the apology, knowing he’d been a jerk.

  Holt held up his hands. “Yeah, I’m sorry, too. I just thought that if there was any unfinished business between you—”

  “There’s not,” Nate interrupted, hearing the sharpness of his own tone.

  He watched the expression change on his brother’s face and hated that they were acting like strangers. Or maybe Holt wasn’t doing anything out of the ordinary, but he sure was. They’d been as close as brothers could be once, had spent day after day together, been inseparable. Like his buddies in the army, Holt had always been there for him no matter what, and vice versa.

  But now Nate had changed so much he didn’t know if he’d ever be that brother to any of his siblings. Not ever again.

  Holt walked backward, but he’d turned before Nate could apologize again, and he didn’t even know where to begin, anyway.

  So Sarah and Todd were over. He looked down and watched her, realizing it was she who was on the horse’s back now. Elegant as ever, sitting straight and comfortable in the saddle, at ease with what she was doing.

  He didn’t need to know that Sarah wasn’t spoken for any longer. He didn’t need to watch her, or talk to her, or anything her now that he was back home. He had his family to deal with, twin siblings that he hadn’t even met yet and a bunch of memories that kept him from slumber night after night after night.

  Yet his legs were throbbing not from the pain right now, but from a desperate need to cross the field and seek out Sarah.

  Just like he had as a lovesick teenager twelve years ago when he’d first seen her taking a riding lesson in the same corral she was in now.

  * * *

  Sarah nudged the young mare on. It was her first solo ride on Maddie, but she was responding beautifully, even leading the other horse beside them.

  She gulped, trying not to think too hard about what she was doing. The last thing she needed was for Maddie to feel her nervousness and think it had something to do with their ride.

  He was still there. The young man she’d known to never stand still for more than a moment, not able to stay in the same place because there was always something to do, was sitting where she’d left him, leaning against the tree like he had no purpose.

  Sarah didn’t bother calling out to him, because even though his head was down she knew he’d have heard her. Instead, she walked the horses straight over to him, never taking her eyes from his lone figure.

  She’d been wallowing in her own self-pity, thinking she’d been hard done by. Seeing Nate and the change in him told her what she’d been through was nothing in comparison.

  “Let’s go, cowboy,” Sarah ordered once she reached him, in a voice far more confident than she felt inside.

  Nate’s gaze made her smile wobble. It was as if a storm had brewed within him and was searching to exit through his eyes—eyes that had once been soft and loving now tumultuous and dangerous.

  “You want me to ride?”

  She held out the reins to the horse. It was one of Johnny’s own, and he’d promised she’d be nice and quiet. Sarah had no idea how long it had been since Nate had ridden.

  “It’ll do us both good,” she assured him.

  Nate shook his head, before pulling his hat back over his short crop of hair, stretching and standing. “In case you haven’t noticed,” he said in a voice laced with ice, “I’m not exactly capable these days.”

  Sarah forced herself to look into his eyes, to not be scared off by his behavior. If he was trying to push her away, to make her scurry back to where she’d come from, then he was doing a darn good job. Except for the fact he was forgetting how determined she had to be with the kids in her classroom. Bullying and bad behavior didn’t get her pupils anywhere, and just because he was a wounded soldier didn’t mean he was going to get any special treatment.

  “So you limp? I can see that for myself without you pointing it out, but I wouldn’t have thought you’d let it stop you.” Sarah’s hands were shaking but she wasn’t backing down. This was Nate, for goodness’ sake!

  “Sarah...”

  “No, Nate, no,” she insisted. “You can ride without stirrups, whatever, but I think it’ll do you good.”

  He squinted up at her, his face showing the full force of his anger. “You been talking to my family?”

  She thrust the reins down into his hands now he was closer. “Why, you been as rude to them as you’re being to me right now?”

  Nate’s face crumpled, like a hard shell that had just been shattered, a snail dropped to the concrete from a bird’s beak. “Damn it, Sarah, I’m sorry. I—”

  She held up her hand to silence him. “There’s time for apologies later, Nate, from both of us, but right now I just want you to get back in the saddle.”

  Nate looked at her, stayed still for a heartbeat, before throwing the reins over the horse’s neck and positioning himself on the left-hand side. She couldn’t help thinking that he was lucky he’d injured his right leg, otherwise he’d have found it hard to mount, but she turned away before he caught her watching. Gave him a moment to right himself before she faced him again.

  “No stirrups, you reckon?” he asked, a glimmer of the old Nate flickering in his voice.

  Sarah shrugged. “Whatever’s most comfortable. I thought we’d just go for a nice long walk, give this one a bit of mileage.”

  Nate’s focus turned to the horse she was riding. “Young?”

  “Yep, just started under saddle a few weeks ago, so she’s doing pretty well,” she told him. “I’ve had her since she was a baby, and now it’s time to see if she’s too much of a handful for me or not.”

  Nate pushed h
is foot into the stirrup on her side. She imagined he did the same on the other side or tried to from the grimace on his face, but he didn’t say anything. Pushing his heel down would no doubt be painful, but until he was ready to talk, she wasn’t going to ask. Anything. He’d tell her what had happened to his leg when he was good and ready.

  “Tell me what you’ve been up to?” Nate was obviously trying to make an effort.

  Sarah didn’t want to talk about herself, had liked the neutral territory of horses. “Oh, you know, nothing out of the ordinary.”

  Nate looked sideways but his focus was clearly on the horse now.

  “Have you ridden since you left?”

  “Nope.” Nate stroked one hand down the animal’s neck. “I guess it’s one of those things that you never forget how to do, though, right?”

  “So I hear you’re—”

  “What do you—”

  They both laughed. “Sorry,” Sarah said with a laugh as they spoke at the same time. “You go first.”

  Nate looked like he was about to object, to tell her to go first, when his face visibly softened. Almost looked pained before he spoke.

  “I hear you’re no longer with Todd.”

  Sarah focused on the inhale and exhale of air as it whooshed through her lungs. She hadn’t expected him to know. “You found that out between us talking earlier and now?” She had no idea who would have told him. “And here I was thinking you’d been sitting under that tree minding your own business all morning.”

  Nate’s body visibly stiffened and he looked off into the distance. “It’s none of my business, Sarah, you’re right. I just wanted to tell you I was sorry.”

  Sorry that her marriage was over or sorry that he’d walked off and left her to marry Todd in the first place?

  “It’s fine,” she lied, fixing a sunny smile on her face, not wanting to be drawn back into the past. “Todd and I weren’t meant to be, that’s all.” She omitted the part about him running off with another woman who was already carrying his baby, about how he’d ripped her heart out with his lies and left her without a backward glance as if their marriage had meant nothing.

  “So nothing else happening around here I should know about?” Nate asked her, clearly trying to change the subject.

  “Other than the Fall Festival?” she mused. “Well, there’s a few new people in town, but other than that, we’re just the same as usual here in Larkville, I guess.”

  They rode side by side, far enough apart that there was no danger of them bumping knees, but close enough that it made talking easy. She noticed his foot was dangling from the stirrups now and she wondered if he’d done the same on the other side.

  “Who knows about my twin siblings?”

  Sarah bit down on the inside of her mouth, needing a moment to consider her reply. Jess, Nate’s sister, had told her about the secret Calhoun children and what had happened, but she hadn’t expected Nate to bring it up out of the blue.

  “You haven’t long found out, have you?” she asked him gently.

  Nate glanced her way, made brief eye contact before fixing his stare forward again. “I wasn’t contactable for a while, so I won’t lie and say the news didn’t come as a shock when they finally tracked me down and told me.”

  Sarah swallowed, uncomfortable. “Not everyone knows, but I’ve seen a lot of your family lately, and Ellie and I have become great friends. She’s wonderful, Nate. I think if you gave her a chance you’d really enjoy her company. Maybe not as your sister straightaway, but as a nice friend at least.”

  He laughed. A cruel laugh that she didn’t recognize. “Right now I can’t even spend time with the siblings I grew up with, so what makes you think I’d do any better with a stranger?”

  “Don’t talk like that, Nate. Just don’t.” Tears flooded Sarah’s eyes but she refused to let them spill over. She’d promised herself years ago that she’d never shed a tear over Nate Calhoun ever again, and just because the circumstances were different didn’t change anything.

  “I think we should head back,” he announced, turning his horse in the direction they’d come in.

  Sarah halted her horse and paused a moment before following him, whistled to her dog to call him over. This wasn’t the Nate she’d known, and it sure as hell wasn’t a Nate she could ever have imagined returning home. Sarah tried to quell the anger rising within her, anger toward Nate that she’d long held in check.

  If she wasn’t on a newly broken horse she would have cantered off with her head held high and left him, but with the way her mount was starting to dance on the spot beneath her, she wasn’t going to push her luck. Not on her first ride.

  Sarah trotted after Nate’s retreating figure and contemplated pushing him clean out of the saddle. A smile played across her lips. Returned wounded soldier or not, a slap across the cheek and a shove off his horse was probably exactly what Nate needed. Not that she’d ever be that game.

  “Nate, wait up!” she called.

  He didn’t stop, but she could see the slight turn of his head telling her he’d heard her.

  “This is stupid,” she told him.

  “What is?” he asked, a scowl crossing his face. A face that even with a more weathered appearance, with soft crinkles alongside his eyes and faint dark marks beneath his bottom lashes, was still ridiculously handsome.

  “You behaving like this, us acting like nothing has happened one minute, then you clamming up the next.”

  She could see the tautness in his jaw, that he was probably grinding down on his teeth, a hollowness in his eyes that she wished wasn’t there. “I’m not the man I used to be, Sarah. That’s the truth of it, and there’s nothing I can do to change that.”

  Sarah shook her head, sadness flooding her again. “I don’t believe you, Nate,” she told him. “I know you’ve seen awful things, that you’re struggling with something right now and that you’ve been injured, but I believe the old Nate is still in there. Somewhere.” She sighed, forcing herself to continue. “I don’t know what happened to you over there, Nate, but don’t give up on yourself yet. Okay?”

  Nate didn’t respond and she was too choked up to say anything else. So they rode in silence. Him on his borrowed mount, her trying to keep up, and her dog running along beside them without a care in the world.

  * * *

  Nate knew he’d been rude to Sarah, and she didn’t deserve it. But he was all out of apologies, of trying to figure out the right thing to say. When all he wanted was to be left the hell alone.

  He cleared his throat, knowing he needed to say something before he lost his chance and she walked from the barn and out of his life again for good. He’d already pushed her away once, and he didn’t need another black mark on his conscience.

  “Sarah,” he started, running a hand through his longer than usual hair.

  She stopped and turned to him, her face tilted up to look him in the eye. Next to him she seemed tiny, fragile. In reality she was tall and willowy, but in flat boots she seemed much shorter than he remembered.

  “I, well, I’m not myself right now, Sarah. I didn’t mean to snap at you before, but I can’t deal with any of this. Okay?” Nate knew it was a terrible apology, but it was the best he could come up with right now.

  “I know you’re hurting, Nate,” she responded, closing the distance between them to touch his arm, to tighten her fingers against his skin.

  He looked into her eyes, into deep amber eyes that had haunted him for years...in his sleep, while he was awake, when he had nothing else to do but think about what he’d left behind in his determination to fight for a greater cause, to serve his country in the absolute best way he could.

  If only it was someone as sweet as Sarah who haunted his nights now. No longer dreams, but nightmares that relentlessly kept him awake night after long night.
r />   “Nate?” Sarah was still touching him, her grip heating his skin.

  He untangled himself. He had no other choice. Sarah touching him was too real; he didn’t want to feel human again, preferred the dull deadness he’d become used to. He didn’t want to acknowledge how kind she was being to him when he knew how badly he must have hurt her.

  “I’m here for you, Nate. If you want to talk, if you need anything, don’t be a stranger.”

  Sarah’s eyes were kind, the smile kicking up her lips so pure that he wished he had the guts to grab hold of her and not let her go. To fold her slender body against his and cradle her, to remember what they used to have, the man he used to be. To make him feel less like damaged goods and more like a human being again.

  “Thanks,” he managed, his voice a husky octave lower than usual.

  Sarah’s fingers skipped across his upper arm and she left, walked from the barn leading her young mare, ready to turn her out in the field again.

  Nate stared after her until she disappeared, eyes caught by the softness of her silhouette. Slim-fitting T-shirt, worn jeans that she obviously found comfortable to ride in and that darn dog sticking close to her like he viewed Nate as an imminent danger.

  Would she still use her maiden name? Nate forced the question from his mind, trying to refocus on the horse he was supposed to be brushing down.

  So she was single again? What difference did it make to him? Nate had made a choice six years ago, and as far as he could tell, there was no going back from that.

  Not now and not ever.

  * * *

  Sarah pulled out a chair from the table and dragged it across the room. She stood on it, rummaged around in the high cupboard and yanked out what she’d known to be hidden there.

  She shouldn’t be looking at it, not after all these years, but seeing Nate had brought back a flood of memories that she couldn’t help but want to revisit. When she was married to Todd, she’d done her best to put the past behind her, but now...

  Sarah smiled as she flicked to the first page. Hearts doodled in pink pen, Nate’s name written in curly letters that she’d thought were fancy at the time. There were pictures of them on the ranch and hanging out with friends, notes he’d written her back when they’d been in class. She’d kept them all, even after she’d married Todd and they’d moved in together, when she’d known they should have been forgotten about.