Well come on, Max. You knew a relationship with her was going to be intense. How could it not be?
Wilson was like the splash of water I needed to control the fire that raged inside me. She wouldn’t hesitate to reach into the blazing flames and save me from being left in the ashes. She was the only person who found the one place within me that nobody else could. It was demoralizing to think that, after my dad died, she was going to see that part of me that she wouldn’t like. So I let her go, let her leave, and it brought me to my knees.
I hate my dad for dying, I hate that I hurt Wilson, I hate that Nick even touched her.
I stared out into the darkness. I could feel the clouds of loneliness creep around my car and begin to fill my heart. I should just let it consume me all over again. Why not? Being there was so much more comforting than the searing emotion of losing Wilson. I felt the pressure of everything crash down on top of me. My eyes went damp and my airway closed. Every muscle in my face clung to the possibility of keeping my cool…but I couldn’t. The despair rolled over me. It was so much easier to give up. Shrink back into the black hole that kept me safe, alone.
Out of nowhere, the image of Wilson all alone on the porch as I drove away hammered me. Her drawn, blue eyes red and swollen from crying, her blonde hair pulled loosely off her face. Her lips were quivering, waiting for me to taste them, but I didn’t. Fire raged in my gut, burning me from the inside out, but I couldn’t bring myself to make her okay. I couldn’t find any words to make what she’d done justifiable. Her chest heaved, loaded with apologies she wished she could have had the strength to say. I didn’t let her. Suddenly she was an eight year old girl standing there, abandoned, and waiting for me to come back. My eyes burst open. Holy shit, what the hell did I do? Every hair on my body stood on end. The muscles across my chest flexed, and my lungs burned as I took a deep, shocking breath.
I knew her past. Knew the events in her childhood created every insecurity and every conviction she clung to. Nothing that she has ever done to me could even begin to hurt like what I just did to her. I promised her, the day she finally let me in, that I would never abandon her. But I did; I left her alone, on the porch, just like her mother did. I gave her no explanation, no words. I just got in my car and drove away.
I pulled on the steering wheel and flipped a U-turn, hoping that I was close enough to the Browlers’ cabin that I’d find her still on the porch. I wanted to work it out. Whatever came up between us, I didn’t want to lose her. I sped back as fast as I could, the car swaying and hugging the curves. I pulled back down through the gate, and when I reached the point where I could see the Browlers’ porch, I noticed it was vacant—Wilson wasn’t standing there. She wasn’t where I wished she’d be. The car rolled slowly, all the way to the edge of the steps. I put it in park and sat idling for a moment. In my frantic attempt to get back, I didn’t plan out how I was going to bust in and fight for her.
What if, by leaving, all I did was drive her straight into ‘his’ arms, again? Damn it, I just gave him another opportunity to make a move on Wilson. I have to find the strength in my words to tell her no matter what happens…I love her and always will.
I threw the car door open and Aspen’s winter chill swirled around my body, slicing across my exposed skin like razorblades. It forced me to feel the reality of being completely separated from Wilson. The glow from the porch lit my way back to her…and yet I couldn’t convince my feet to hit the pavement. I can’t get over her kissing him. Will I ever be able to look at her without flashes of Nick Browler’s slithery hands all over her body? Can I handle him kissing Wilson and touching her skin just days after she made love to me?
I know what happened between us was a culmination of really messed-up situations. When Wilson left with Nick, I shut down and a cold, recognizable darkness creep back into my life; the same darkness that consumed me when Mallory killed herself. I lost every last desire to fight for anything. It took years, and everything I had, to realize it wasn’t my fault she killed herself.
All it took was thousands of miles between me and my past, and the most beautiful girl I ever saw, to make me realize I had a future. Oh man, the first time I watched Wilson roam into my room—that was it...I had to swallow hard to remove my heart from my throat. My eyes, God, they burned so bad, stinging because I forgot to blink. It was like something inside me clicked and I finally had a spark to live again. It only took a weekend in Aspen for my world became tangible. It was her kiss, her caress, and how her body reacted to my touch that kept me going. When she wasn’t with me I craved her breath and how it would roll across my skin as she spoke. It was her voice that created the chills that chased down and obliterated any fear of being discovered. When I was with her, I forgot life outside even existed. She made me feel strong again. Like suddenly I was the man I was supposed to be.
I ran my hands through the front of my hair, pulling it back so tight I felt a twinge of pain as it stretched and pulled from my temples. In a strange way, feeling the pain shoot through my scalp gave me a moment of clemency. The cold air had taken over any warmth as it started to snow. This was an evening I should be home with my family, sitting Shiva after burying my father; instead I stood desolate.
I had to talk myself into taking the first step, my feet heavier than ever before. I stepped forward on the wet, frosty driveway, and every ounce of fight disappeared. I could feel the soles of my boots shift as my toes crowded the tops. My head pounded with images of why I should walk away, and yet my heart thundered in my chest with every reason I should keep going. I wished the steam from my breath would carry my words for me so I wouldn’t have to say anything.
Every stride became demanding as I climbed the steps to the porch. I tried to visualize bursting into the cabin, snatching Wilson in my arms, and kissing her so intensely that she’d never question my love for her ever again. Then she’d see that I don’t just walk away when things get tough. But the thoughts of her being comforted by Nick stopped me in my tracks. I stood watching the warm glow of light pouring through the glass of the front door. I stared at my hand as I clutched the frigid knob and wondered if, by opening it, I’d be stepping into a situation that would heal my heart or shatter it completely.
Wilson’s Beta Readers: Becky, Debbie, Karley, and Suzanne: When I needed you…you answered. Thank you for being the most amazing beta readers a girl can ever ask for. As this journey ends with this series I hope you are willing to come with me on the next one.
Liza: Thank you for sharing your talent. You capture such authenticity with your photos. I am happy I had a chance to meet you and glad you agreed to be a part of Wilson and Max’s journey.
Tiffany: You rock! I came to you with a tight deadline on this book and you didn’t even blink. You worked tirelessly to make me shine, and I can’t thank you enough. You keep fixing the same mistakes I’ve repeated through all three books, and never once did you lose your patience with me. You are such a generous, caring, and wonderful person.
Toski & Sommer: Thank you can't begin to explain how grateful I am to you both. You saw a vision for the books, took what I had and created three amazing book covers. I am truly touched by your dedication, your willingness to make me happy, and your ability to bring out what I so wordlessly couldn't. I am speechless to your talents and I appreciate your dedication to this project! I am sold.
Becky: I don’t think there is another person alive who knows the characters in this series better than you (including me!). You have been my record keeper, my note taker, my beta reader, my idea bouncer offer, and my best friend. I will never be able to thank you enough, for everything you’ve done for my family, my craft, my books and the stories that bounce around in my head.
My family: Ed, Jared, Kyle, Nate, and my mom (Grandma K):
Ed thanks for giving me the opportunity to grow my dreams and build my career; your support, even when silent speaks volumes. Mom, thanks for reminding me that my career is not a hobby, and I must remember to treat it a
s such. Jared, Kyle and Nate, it wasn’t glamorous by any means, nor do I feel anything less than guilty for the times you’ve missed me. But I hope that I taught you to follow your heart, never give up on your dreams and even when things look like they aren’t going to work out…have faith that there is something greater than you…supporting you along your journey. I love you all so very much.
~ Wilson ~
I couldn’t stop shivering and every muscle in my body ached like I’d been in a head-on collision. My voice was raw from crying endlessly since Max left; it felt like I’d swallowed jagged shards of glass plastered with every missing word I should have said to him. Somewhere above my body, a space that I never really knew existed carried all of my relevant thoughts away. The look on his face when he found out I betrayed him steamrolled across my head over and over again. Visions of him driving away as I collapsed on the porch killed every butterfly caged in my gut. Max left me on the bone-chilling granite—rotting, longing, and totally broken. How will I ever find my way back after hurting the man I love more than anything in this world? A war was being waged in my body, and I was losing…big time.
Joanie’s hands were scalding hot against the side of my head as she held me on the Browlers’ sofa. She rocked back and forth in an attempt to soothe the searing pain that vibrated from my core out to every last part of my body.
“Shhhh, Wilson, sweetheart, shhh. I am so sorry honey, so sorry.” The nature of her words only made it worse.
Incoherent babbling tumbled from my lips. I searched behind my closed eyes, working to see patterns that I could dissolve into, but I couldn’t see past the ache that throbbed in my head. Joanie clung to me so hard that I couldn’t catch a deep breath. Please, God, let me just disappear; let me become that person who nobody hears from ever again. There was nothing I could do to repair the damage I’d caused. When I kissed Nick I destroyed everything Max and I had.
I heard footsteps strike against the hardwood floor and the whispering concern of a guy’s voice as I slumped heavily in Joanie’s embrace.
“Is she...okay? If she needs anything—” Nick said in a low voice.
I felt the pressure of Joanie’s hand across my back withdraw and her voice vibrate through her chest as she whispered back at him, “Thanks, but I think I’m just going to take her upstairs.” There was a sizable pause before she continued, “She’ll be fine, Nick. She just needs some time right now.”
I could feel Nick staring at me before I heard him walk toward the kitchen. Even if I wanted to look at him, I couldn’t. Suddenly I didn’t feel the same need to be comforted by him. He was part of the reason I lost Max.
Joanie dragged her hands to the back of my biceps as she pulled me away from her chest.
“Wilson, sweetie, let’s go upstairs. You can clean up and change your clothes. Freshen up a bit,” Joanie said in a soothing voice. It was the same voice I found comfort in when every other shitty event happened in my life. She ran her hands up and down my arms from my elbows up to my shoulders and back, collecting the heat she generated with her friction.
I didn’t say anything. I just willed the muscles in my legs to work and Joanie did the rest. She supported me as I ambled out of the living room and up the imperial staircase. I also knew better than to try and argue with Joanie. She knew what I was going to need, and how much time it was going to take me to wallow in my misery.
My knees stretched and ached as I pushed up each step. They seemed to be taller than I remembered. The same gut-wrenching feeling I’d had when I first climbed these stairs twisted low in my stomach. Those familiar feelings of wanting Max and not knowing if he felt the same way about me started to swirl throughout my body. The beads of perspiration that tickled and rolled from my hairline down the back of my neck when I decided to find him at Cindy’s “seasonal” party just a month earlier began to push from my pores. It seemed so long ago and yet not long enough to be in this much pain.
We were almost to the top of the stairs, my body still leaning into Joanie’s, still hoping that I could make it up to the room, when I saw Cindy standing at the top of the stairs. God, she is the absolute last person I want to see right now. Her lips twisted into a smirk and her eyes gleamed with the triumph she felt at ruining my life. Every bit of her, even the way she pressed her hands against her hips, looked like she was ready to rub it in my face that she was right and I was nothing more than a tragedy in the life of Max Goldstein.
I took a deep breath, about to tell Cindy I couldn’t deal with whatever she had to say, when Joanie did my bidding for me.
“Not now, Cindy,” Joanie steamed as she waited for Cindy to get out of the way.
I went numb. Cindy finally knew about Max and me. I couldn’t even find my voice to argue back. Everything I’d ever stood for my entire life was ripped away the moment Cindy walked in and found me making out with Nick. My honor, my morals, my credibility—all wiped away like it never existed. I wanted to crawl into a hole and shrivel up into the piece of crap I felt like. I’d used Nick, ruined my reputation, and beyond it all, lost Max by making a stupid mistake.
“Well, I think right now is the perfect time. What did you expect, Wilson? Did you really think you could make out with two different guys in the same week without either of them finding out?” Cindy spewed in her snarky way.
“Shut up, Cindy. Can’t you, for once, dig deep and find some compassion for what Wilson is going through?” Joanie barked.
“Compassion? She was playing the two ends against the middle and got caught!” Cindy said before she continued with an answerless question directed at me. “Come on, Wilson, did you really expect that you’d be able to play with fire and not get burned? Did you honestly believe they wouldn’t find out about each other?”
Her words sliced me down to the bone.
“Cindy, please, I’m sorry that I hurt your brother. I never meant for anything like that to happen.”
“You think I care about that? I could care less about you and Nick having a sleazy fling in my kitchen.”
“Then why are you being such a bitch to her?” Joanie steamed. I felt her body heaving with her words.
“Because, Joanie, finally the stellar shining star of Wesley has burned out. And what better way to make sure I get exactly what I want? I’ve got proof that our amazingly brilliant government teacher is sleeping with one of his underprivileged students,” Cindy said in a sappy tone.
That’s when I snapped. I couldn’t hold back any more. Couldn’t stand there and listen to any more of her bullshit. I just went off. Tears streamed down my cheeks, burning the already raw skin on my face.
“What do you want? What sick pleasure are you getting from ruining my life? What do you want to hear? That I’m a slut? That I made a totally screwed-up mistake and ruined my life when I kissed your brother? Or maybe you want to see me suffer because you just can’t handle the fact that Max loved me and I loved him back. There you go, Cindy, there is your ammunition: I love Max. I am totally and completely in love with him. And, up until today, he loved me back.”
My chest swelled and my head pounded with all the other words I didn’t say. With our eyes locked, I watched as Cindy’s widened and looked past me. Her face turned scarlet red before her jaw dropped open. I turned to Joanie, thinking Cindy was looking at her but when I saw Joanie looking down the stairs, her face drained of any color, I had a feeling he must be standing behind me.
I turned all the way around and whatever strength I had left fell to my feet. My breath hitched, painful in my chest, and my eyes flooded with the apologies I ached to tell him. It was Max, standing at the bottom of the stairs. God, he was my forever. He was every breath I needed to take and every pulse that kept my blood pumping. He was the home I always wanted to have.
His eyes, bloodshot and narrow, matched the hue of his cheeks. The edges of his lips bent south and his jaw constricted as he looked up at me. It was the same look he gave me when I left him on his staircase. He swallowed hard as the tip
of his tongue pushed and curled just enough to wet his lips, making it seem like every word that flashed in his head was poison to him. His head swayed to the side as if he was struggling to formulate his thoughts into words. His scent strolled toward me, teasing me, making me long to inhale him completely. My mouth watered. I swallowed hard, waiting for him to say something—anything. But he didn’t.
In that moment, it was just Max and me. Everyone else became nothing more than solid pieces of furniture holding space in the room, until I heard Joanie whispering, telling me to breathe.
“Max…” my voice cracked. “You’re h—ere…” I choked on my words before I took a step down.
“Yeah,” he whispered. The radiance from the huge crystal chandelier caught the flicker of the tears that began to cluster in his eyes.
I pushed my hands up to my cheeks, trying to dry them so the chill that kept rippling across my face wouldn’t be so harsh. God, I want to run to him. I crave to feel his touch. I just want him to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay. But what if he doesn’t want me any more? What if he’s here to tell me that he’s over me? I looked over at Joanie, hoping she would convince me to keep walking down the stairs to Max.
“Go,” she prodded.
I took another step. My legs felt like rubber.
“I’m so sorry—” I struggled to say. He moved closer to the bottom of the stairs and held his hand up to stop me. I froze. As I looked at him his hair fell, blanketing his face. He looked down at the floor. The small space between us felt like a million miles. He shook his head. His shiny, black hair tumbled before he dragged his hands through it, clearing it from his face as he looked up at me.
“Did you mean what you said?” he asked, his beautiful lips shaping the words that poured from his heart. “What you told Cindy?”
There was a moment of complete silence that grew between us before I answered.
The Wilson Mooney Box Set Page 53
