Miss Planet Earth

by S E Anderson

  “I never said you didn’t,” she replied, “But I was only defending myself. Don’t kick a Syrillian nest if you’re not ready to be eaten alive.”

  “Can we skip to the part where you’re a pirate?” Katra asked, propping herself up on her elbows.

  “A pirate captain, thank you very much.” The man gave her a curt bow. “Captain Yorick Asbestos Adamou of the – never mind, that ship is dead. What’s our ship called?”

  “The Super-Mega-Fun-Ride,” Jesi suggested.

  “Is it really?”

  “The planet’s branding is quite extensive,” she said, shrugging. “I take it you’re not from the planet formerly known as Megadeath?”

  “Earth?” Katra added, for good measure.

  “Nah, I’m a space boy,” he grinned. But the grin was quickly replaced with his exasperated angry snarl.

  “I thought the ship was called Beyoncé?” asked Katra.

  “Shut up!” Jesi snapped at the pageant queen, “he’s not supposed to know that!”

  “Thank you, Katra.” The captain grinned. “In any case. I am now Captain Yorick of the… great vessel Beyoncé. I claim it by name-right.”

  “Who died and made you my boss?” scoffed Jesi. “Your ship is gone, doesn’t make you master of this one.”

  “I’m a frozzing pirate captain, and this is my ship,” said Yorick, “as we speak, the few of my men who remain are taking over all corners of this vessel. We outnumber you five to one.”

  “So, you have ten people,” said Jesi, “Katra alone took down three. And you should see how many I scattered through this ship. Beyoncé is mine.”

  “Yes, I saw the aftermath of your so-called self-defense,” Yorick’s snarl somehow grew, doubling in size. No mouth should be that flexible, Katra found herself thinking. What else could it do? “All I wanted was to talk to Katra.”

  “You can talk in front of me,” Jesi said, “I don’t bite.”

  “You destroyed my ship! Killed my crew! How many times do I have to tell you? I’m holding myself back from murdering you right now!”

  “Then why haven’t you?”

  “I…” he stammered. “You know what? Froz this.”

  He lunged at Jesi, his hands going straight for her neck. Out of reflex – Marcus’s reflexes, not her own – rather than any asserted loyalty, Katra swung her body between the two, bringing an arm crashing into Yorick’s windpipe.

  “If you needed to talk to me, you should have done so without a full blown assault,” she spat. Thanks for the backup, Marcus. “But if you still have something to say, you say it in front of Jesi.”

  “Fine, then,” he said, stepping backward and brushing off the sleeve of his tracksuit, despite it being immaculate. “Katra. You’re from Earth, thirteen thousand years ago. Your planet wasn’t yet influenced by the council of twelve. You never saw the raptor invasion.”

  “There was a raptor invasion?”

  “Exactly.” Yorick nodded fervently. “Katra, have you heard of the ancient, lost city of… Atlanta?”

  “Atlantis? That was only a myth, even for me.”

  “No, Atlanta.”

  “You mean… Georgia, sweet tea, soul food Atlanta? The big airport?”

  “Yes. And the Queen of the Formerly United Kingdoms?”

  “You lost me.”

  “Please tell me the queen had taken up her refugee status there during your lifetime?”

  “Which queen?”

  “Charlotte of England,” he said, “After England was invaded by the Scottish and she had Buckingham Palace transported to Atlanta.”

  “No, I wasn’t there for that.”

  “But you know of the mighty Airport of Atlanta?”

  “I guess?” Katra paused for a second. The man sounded insane – heck, he looked insane, with that wild gleam in his eyes, the green so vibrant it could have spawned life on Mars. Unless Mars already had life. It had been a long nap for Katra.

  Even if she didn’t know about the airport, she would have told him the same thing. She had to save her own skin, after all: her perfect, blemishless skin.

  “I flew through it quite a few times,” she said, forcing pride into her voice to mask the terror. “Yeah. I know where it is.”

  At that, Yorick’s face burst into light. He beamed like he was the sun, and maybe Katra was another sun: just a whole lot of brightness.

  “Perfect! Then all this was not for nothing – we’re going to find the lost treasure of Atlanta!”

  “I don’t know what gave you that idea,” said Jesi.

  As the pirate had been distracted, Jesi had made her way behind him and stripped him of his second gun, which she jabbed under his rib cage seeing as she was too short to reach his head.

  “I told you, I’m the captain here,” she snapped, “which means, you are at my mercy. So drop the weapon and let us kill you in peace.”

  Yorick dropped, dodged, and spun, but he was too slow. Jesi leapt into the air, striking him smack in the middle of his forehead with her tiny foot. He fell backward, his head landing on Owaitt’s belly, the droid cushioning his fall.

  The man was winded, but he hopped back up to his feet, only now Katra’s reflexes – not that they were actually hers to begin with – kicked in. She lunged at him, toppling him over, the man was pinned on the floor between her legs, looking up at her with complete astonishment and awe.

  Katra felt her knees wobble. It wasn’t every day you had someone look up at you like that. Especially not from between your legs.

  “What are you waiting for?” Jesi shouted. “Shoot him! Punch him! Rip his throat out with your teeth! Do it for your ancient god, the Easter Bunny!”

  “The what now?” Katra asked, perplexed, but realized that she didn’t care to know.

  She looked down at the man, at the soft brown skin and silky black hair that came away from his scalp like a breeze. The body beneath hers was firm and sturdy, and oh-so-warm. His hand rested gently on her calf, not moving, only resting.

  “Jesi,” she said, looking back at the small girl, who now clutched two pistols and had them aimed right at Yorick’s handsome face. “Jesi, I think we might have something here.”

  “What?” the girl spat. “Don’t let the good looks distract you. He isn’t any stud. He’s a traitor!”

  “Look, you said it yourself, we have nothing to our name,” Katra continued, “We’re heading back to a planet that has forgotten both of us. It’s not the planet I left, and I doubt it’s the one you once knew, either. Hell, you don’t even want to go back there.”

  “Be like a pencil, and get to the point.”

  “My point? My point is…” Katra let out a heavy sigh, then released the pressure on her legs. Yorick inhaled sharply. “Maybe I don’t want to go back there. Not to live. Not in any official capacity. I don’t want to meet the dislocation officers and fit into a place I will never call home. I don’t want to belong to FunCorp! Or work for them for my entire life, for that matter! Maybe we could both do with some buried treasure.”

  Yorick extracted himself from underneath Katra’s legs, pushing himself towards the back wall, but keeping his hands up. He didn’t want to fight, either.

  Jesi kept one gun riveted on his head, the other one slowly peeling off and pointing at Katra. The pageant queen quickly put her hands up.

  “Come on, Jesi,” she begged. “Jesipax? Please, wouldn’t you want to be rich? If I can find the airport, and Yorick can find the treasure, then the three of us will be set for life. I know the crown jewels from England, and they were the most valuable jewels in the world. Imagine how much they would be worth now, being ancient artifacts on top of it all?”

  Jesi’s arm quivered, but she said nothing.

  “You can be captain,” Katra added, grinning, “You can be our pirate captain. And after this, we’ll all be rich enough to go our separate ways, never to see each other again. If that’s what we want.”

  “So you’re voting that we don’t kill the pirate,�
� the girl finally spoke, her mouth dry. “Even after he barfs up the location of the treasure?”

  “It goes without saying that I’m not telling you where the treasure is if you’re going to frozzing kill me?”

  “He has a point, you know.” Katra stared at Jesi, begging, pleading with her eyes. Keep this man alive. At last, the girl relented.

  “Fine,” she said, rolling her eyes so wide they would have won a hula-hooping contest, “but I’m not just sparing him because you’re horny. He’s your problem, and the two of you better get me some gold, because I am frozzing starving. If this works, I’ll never have to set foot on that wretched planet again. So don’t you dare fail me.”

  Katra glanced at Yorick, her heart pounding, He gave her a curt nod, then turned to stare at the girl: he couldn’t see the point of a red laser right between his eyes, but Katra was sure he felt it. It was hard to ignore the gun that was right in his face.

  “If you promise not to kill me, then I won’t put up a fight,” he said, “after all, I am at your mercy. You have killed my entire crew. Every one of my friends. I have nothing else to live for but myself.”

  Jesi, surprisingly, said nothing. Her eyes rose above Yorick’s head, fading away, so focused on her distraction that the red dot slipped from Yorick’s brows to his cheek. He could have taken the opportunity to slip away, to fight.

  But he didn’t.

  Because the next thing that Jesi said, was “I didn’t kill all of them.”

  And there was a knock on the hull.

  Chapter 6

  The new crew: just like the last crew, only snarkier

  Outside the ship, drifting above the window, was a spacesuit. A spacesuit, which most likely contained a person – the lone survivor of Jesi’s deadly rampage.

  Katra refused to admit she had the larger death toll, as she wasn’t sure if she was meant to be proud or ashamed. Three men dead by her own hands, five ships destroyed by the end of her gun. At least she was alive. And, whoever was out there, was alive too.

  Alive, and knocking.

  Quite politely, in fact.

  “Should we… should we let him in?”

  “Yes!” shouted Yorick, the exact instant Jesi yelled “No!” which of course made things complicated.

  “I’m the captain,” said Jesi, “and we don’t need any more traitors on board.”

  “He’s alive! In space!” Yorick stammered. “Pirate or no pirate, space law dictates you must give him amnesty on your ship.”

  “That makes us two against two. No. I don’t like that balance.”

  “Then turn Owaitt back on,” the pirate suggested, “and he’ll give you the upper hand.”

  “He won’t defend either party!” Jesi kicked the crumpled body on the floor, which shuddered but didn’t otherwise move. “He’s an android! He’s programmed never to turn on his creators.”

  “Then take out his humanity chip.”

  “His what?”

  “His humanity chip.” Keeping his hands plainly visible, Yorick scooted over the top of Owaitt’s body and flipped him over, exposing the skin behind his neck. He pressed firmly there, revealing a latch, which opened to a whole mess of wires. Katra watched in awe as he extracted a small chip, like something you might put in a camera.

  “There,” the pirate said, handing Jesi the chip, “now he doesn’t remember the laws of robotics, on top of everything else.”

  “Idiot!” the girl took the chip, only to throw it back into Yorick’s face. The tiny thing bounced off his fleshy nose. “Now the droid could kill us in our sleep!”

  “Wake him up, tell him you’re his best friend, and I promise you nothing bad will happen.”

  “And why would I believe anything you say?”

  “Because, I desperately want you to save my friend,” he pleaded, “they’re the only thing I have left in this world.”

  “Fine,” the girl said, rolling her eyes wide. She gazed over at Katra, shooting a look that said something like can you believe the shmuz we put up with?

  Katra was beginning to really like the non-child. She was too terrified not to.

  Jesi leaned over and pressed Owaitt awake. The droid’s eyes brightened and became lively once more. He sat up quick as a whip, scanning the room in confusion.

  “Hello,” he said, a cool, calculating smile touching his lips. “I am O-8, your personal service droid. How may I please you today?”

  “Ok, let’s do this all again,” she said. “I’m Jesi, this is Katra, and this is Yorick, who is our prisoner and not to be trusted.”

  “Very nice to meet you. I apologize for any and all inconvenience my absence may have caused and must excuse my current…”

  “Look, we need you to go and let this guy in through the escape hatch. He is also not to be trusted. Can you do that?”

  “…lapse of memory. Finding the man. Letting him in. Is that my purpose? I am here, after all, to please man.”

  “Leave the pleasing for later, just bring him here, okay?” Jesi let out a heavy sigh as the droid got up and marched away. “Froz. Remind me never to buy a service droid.”

  “The reminder has been noted,” Owaitt said, while still walking away. “And shall be said promptly and efficiently.”

  “Service droids,” Jesi scoffed. “Now, is anybody hungry?”

  They assembled in the dull break room, once the outer latch had closed, and the corpses of the men that had littered the ship were cleared, or as many as they had managed to toss into the airlock before giving up. It was a lot of work for a woman who had the body of a nine-year-old, and a beauty queen in stilettos who had been frozen for thirteen thousand years. Yorick hadn’t said a word as he silently tossed his fallen comrades into the icy cold of space’s embrace.

  But now, there was no sign they had ever existed, save for a red streak on the floor of the break room. Jesi decided that would be a job for Owaitt, once he got back from wrangling the stranger in from the hull.

  Apparently, it’s not easy bringing a space drifter back inside. It was an hour or so later when the droid returned to the break room, alien in tow.

  And a massive alien at that.

  Katra has never seen any species other than a human before, and this one dwarfed her like a Goliath. Its head was soft and rusty brown, with small tentacles along the jawline like a mollusk. The mouth was all gums, and no teeth, yet he had a menacing growl when he stepped into their little den.

  Even when he saw Yorick, the expression didn’t change, though Yorick turned into an excited child.

  “Podulk!” he said, rushing to his friend with glee, “my first mate!”

  “I am not your first mate.” His voice was monotonous and level, showing none of the excitement his captain vomited out.

  “You are now! Everyone else is dead!”

  “Ah. Then the promotion is logical.”

  “Stop that,” said Jesi, “Who the froz are you to be giving out promotions? Need I remind you that I am captain here? Do I need to wear a hat or something?”

  “Any captain that needs to wear a hat to assert their rank is no true captain.”

  “Screw you, asswipe. Your face looks like the shmuz I just left in the hallway.”

  “Then that is a handsome looking shmuz, captain.”

  Jesi rolled her eyes and looked back to Katra, who was desperately trying to stay out of all this by rummaging through cabinets. She caught the glance and held the girl’s gaze.

  “Katra here’s my first mate,” she said, “And you two are my prisoners until we say otherwise. Is that clear?”

  “As transparent as the tears I weep for your eventual demise.”

  “Oh, froz you, you radiant ball of sunshine.”

  They sat there, at the table, the stranger Podulk waiting in the doorway for anything to happen, for the silence to be broken. No one seemed to want to do the honors.

  “Owaitt,” their captain finally said, “set the ship back on its course to Earth. Let’s leave this place be
hind and get this over with. I want to be swimming in gold by the end of the day.”

  The droid said nothing as he slipped out of the room. Good, thought Katra – he’d last longer before the next time he crashed. Then she found herself wondering how quickly this all was beginning to seem normal to her. Just a few hours ago, in her mind, she was saying good bye to the people of Earth, and stepping into a smelly metal canister. Now she was sitting in a room with aliens and robots, with her fiancé’s mind uploaded into hers.

  It had been a long day.

  She hoped they’d reach Earth soon, but then again, she wasn’t sure she wanted to get there in the first place.

  “Maybe you should start by telling us the plan,” Jesi urged, “if you actually have one?”

  “I’ve been planning this heist for fifteen years, of course I have a plan.” Yorick reached for his pocket. Jesi flinched, and he slowed down, showing her he wasn’t going for a weapon. Instead, he retrieved a map.

  A terminal map. The kind you found online when you were trying to plan where to eat while on a layover.

  “This thing cost me a normal life,” he explained, spreading it out carefully on the table before them. “I found it on a ship I was working on. The second I realized what it was, I took it and ran. It’s what made me a pirate in the first place, and I’ve been looking for you, Katra, every since.”

  “How touching.” Jesi leaned in, her legs on the chair to support her small frame. “And the treasure is…”

  “Here,” the man pointed, without really looking. It was at an Aunty Anne’s pretzel stand. Katra’s mouth watered at the thought of it. She still hadn’t eaten and missed the taste of home.

  Yorick gazed into her eyes intently. “I needed to find someone who knew the location of the terminal, and no one was alive from that time to tell the tale. But I found the legend of the lost queen of the universe, the first Miss Planet Earth. I knew you were out there. I couldn’t stop hoping I would be the one to find you.”

  Katra’s heart leapt inside her chest. There was something oddly magical to the idea that someone had waited all these years for her, even if he only wanted her for the information inside her head. But the look in his eyes at that moment made Katra feel like she had won every pageant in the universe.