“No, I’ve not spoken to him. I do need to speak to him today to find out if he’ll be on set when he’s expected. Am I taking you straight from the set to meet with Michelle at the charity office later?”
“Yes.” I notice his quick change of subject.
The engine roars to life and I sit back, trying to relax, with thoughts about today’s filming firmly in my head. I push everything else to the back of my mind. I’m sure tonight, when I’m home alone, Connor will be who I think of. He’ll be the one I cry myself to sleep over.
My phone beeps and I look at the name on my screen.
I don’t need this, not today. Not any day. Why the hell does he keep popping back into my life when I don’t want him?
Donovan: I told you he wasn’t the one for you. Now you know why. You and I should talk.
I frown and re-read his message, but I don’t understand. What the hell is he on about now? Has he not interfered in my life enough lately? And how does he know Connor and I aren’t together? A deep shiver runs through me. He’s still keeping tabs on me, watching me, following me. Donovan knows something about Connor that I don’t. A secret. Is this why he’s gone?
“Trevor, while I’m on set today, could you look into something for me?”
“Of course I can.”
I need to know what is forcing Connor away. It must be a pretty big secret that he doesn’t want out. But what?
“I don’t have anything to tell you yet,” Trevor says, stopping the car outside the charity office. I was beginning to wonder on our drive here if he had forgotten what I had asked. “When you’re finished with Michelle, you’ve to get a taxi straight home.”
“I know. Don’t go anywhere, and no talking to strange men,” I say with a giggle. The way I look now, no strange men would want to talk to me. I look as though I’ve been dragged through a hedge backward.
“Go on, get out, and behave yourself.”
“I always behave,” I tell him as I get out of the car and blow him a kiss. I don’t look back before entering the charity office.
“I’m here to see Michelle,” I say to the lady behind the reception desk.
“Miss McGregor. I’ll let her know you’re here.”
I take a seat and my eyes flit slowly around the area. It’s warm and welcoming, with posters on the wall and lots of different information leaflets on the table.
There’s a poster that catches my eye; a success story about a young lad. He found himself living on the streets after getting in with a bad crowd. One thing led to another; drugs, theft. His mother put him out after he was caught stealing from her for the eighth time. My heart aches for not only the lad, but his family.
After being on the streets for a little over a year, he sought help, turning to the charity. His story is a happy-ever-after. He’s clean, has a relationship with his family, a house of his own, and a job.
I find myself smiling.
“Ella, great to see you,” Michelle says, putting her jacket on.
“And you.”
“Are you ready to meet the family?”
“Yes.”
Michelle and I leave the office together. We’re travelling to the east-side of Glasgow in her car. I know the area we’re going to is rough with lots of social problems. Michelle has told me drugs and alcohol abuse play a huge part in the local community. She has prepared me for the worst, I think.
“How is filming going?” she asks as we drive.
“Not too bad. I’m just glad to be working again.”
“When will your first scenes air?”
“I think in four weeks’ time, if I remember correctly.”
“It sounds very exciting. Are you sure you’ll have time for the charity?”
“I’ll make time. I’ve realised lately that I have to make time for the things that matter to me, and this matters to me. I don’t want to be someone who takes everything for granted. I want to help.”
Michelle smiles warmly at my answer. For me, this is more important than my career. I want to make a broader difference. I’m not interested in the politics behind the scenes. When I think about my mum and all the amazing things she did for charity, I can’t hide my smile. She gave her time freely to help others, and if I can help even a fraction of those she helped, I’ll be happy.
MICHELLE’S CAR COMES TO A stop outside a block of rundown flats. I cringe thinking about a young mum on her own with kids staying somewhere like this.
It’s awful. The picture is the same as I get out of the car and look up and down the street. I turn, looking out to wasteland. Not a pretty sight to look at from the windows of the flats on this side of the street. “Who owns these?” I ask.
“The local authority.”
“And they think this an acceptable standard of housing? Bloody hell. This is no place for a young family. Is there even a park for a mum to take her kids to?”
“I’ll show you that after we’ve visited. Stacey knows I’m bringing someone with me today but she doesn’t know who. She has two young girls. Kelsey is four and Kali is almost two. She had a good life before her husband died. Nice house in a good area.”
“What happened?” I ask as we walk to the entrance of the building.
“They had no insurance and she couldn’t keep up with the repayments on the mortgage. Found herself in a lot of debt very quickly and didn’t know what to do. Not only did she lose her husband, she lost everything.”
God, I’ve not even met Stacey and my heart is breaking for her. The main door is hanging from the hinges. It’s not even secure. Michelle climbs the steps and I follow, taking in all the rubbish lying around. It stinks.
We arrive at the third floor and there’s a buggy outside one of the front doors. Michelle knocks, and after a few moments, the door opens. There stands Stacey, who can’t be much younger than me, with Kali in her arms, who is crying.
“Hi, Michelle,” she says quietly, at the same time trying to reassure her crying daughter.
“Stacey, are you okay?” Stacey’s eyes widen as she looks over Michelle’s shoulder at me. “Remember I told you I was bringing someone with me?”
“Yes, but I expected someone from your office or the council. Not a famous actress. I feel so underdressed and disorganised.”
“Stacey,” I say. “I’m Ella. If you’d rather I wasn’t here, that’s fine.” I don’t want her to feel uneasy. That is not my intention.
“No. You’re just not who I thought it would be.” Michelle waits quietly for Stacey. “Where are my manners? Please, both of you. Come in.”
The flat is clean and tidy. In the living room, Kelsey is sitting up on the couch, watching some cartoon on the TV. She doesn’t even turn when we enter.
“Please, take a seat. Oh, baby girl, come on. Ssh.”
Michelle sits down and takes out her folder from her bag. I can’t sit down. I take a step toward Stacey. “Here, let me take her and you sit down.”
She hesitates, but only for a minute, before handing me her crying daughter. Stacey flops down on the sofa beside Kelsey, giving her a kiss on her head. Her daughter turns around and flashes her mum the biggest, cutest smile I’ve seen. That look melts my heart. I stand with Kali in my arms and she stops crying and stares at me. I smile at her and she finally smiles back.
“How did you manage that?” Stacey asks, looking at me. “All day she’s cried with me. A few minutes with you and look at her. I’m so bloody useless today.” She sighs and rubs her tired eyes. She looks physically and mentally exhausted.
“Stacey, you’re not useless. You’re a great mum to these gorgeous girls and they both love you. Tell me, have you been out today?” Michelle asks, moving closer beside her and taking her hand.
“No. I’ve been too tired to do anything. The young lads in the bottom flat must’ve been having another of their parties. The music went on all night. I was up with the two of them crying most of the night.”
“So, you’ve had another sleepless night? This isn’t fair on you or the gi
rls.” Michelle releases Stacey’s hand and starts writing down some notes and muttering under her breath.
I take a seat with Kali still in my arms and stare at her. She has beautiful big brown eyes and a perfect smile. She looks very much like her mum and sister. Sadness fills me.
“Stacey, Ella has very kindly agreed to help with the charity’s promotional work. She will be fronting an ad campaign that we hope will raise more awareness of the challenges that affect people like yourself and those living on the streets.”
“Maybe we’d be better on the streets. We’d all get some sleep there.”
“Enough of that. None of you deserve that. I’m here to help you,” Michelle tells her. “Why don’t you tell Ella your story?”
She nods slowly. “We had a good life before. I didn’t need to work once I had Kelsey, and if I’m honest, I wanted to be a stay-at-home mum. Graham, my husband, had a good job and we were comfortable. Kali was only two months old when he collapsed after complaining of a sore head. He died two days later.”
Bloody hell.
“We had no life insurance. It was always one of those things we kept saying we’d get around to. We had insurance for the house, but I can’t remember what the problem with that was. Something to do with a shortfall. I couldn’t keep up the payments with no money. I did get a part-time job, a few hours a day, but that wasn’t even enough to feed us. So, here we are after losing everything.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. You probably don’t understand. How could you with the life you lead?”
Her last statement hurts.
“Stacey!”
“I’m being truthful, Michelle. How can she possibly understand?”
“Ella might understand a bit more than you think. Everyone in this life has their own story to tell. Ella.”
I can’t say anything. Stacey has a point. To the outside world, I have it all, but when you strip back the layers, I’m no different to anyone else.
I sit with Kali and tell Stacey about the whole Donovan situation. I tell her everything, including the threatening messages from those he owes money to. Talking about this isn’t as hard as I thought it would be. Yes, I’ve done an interview with my brother but his questions seemed very selective. But this is me pouring my heart out. The good, the bad, and the downright ugly.
“Wow! I’m the one who’s sorry now,” Stacey says. “I had no idea. You’ll understand I don’t get to watch much TV at the moment with these two. I’m sorry that you were put in that position by someone you loved and trusted.”
“Me too, but enough about me.” I look at Michelle. “What will it take to have them moved to somewhere that is better suited to a family?”
“Ella, I’m working on it. Believe me, I am. These flats along with the others in the street are earmarked for demolition. Stacey is lucky she has a roof over her head, but we can all agree that a young family shouldn’t be living in conditions like this. Yes, Stacey has made it look comfortable and nice for the girls, but she’s living on charity handouts. Hopefully, when the local authority re-house her, it will be somewhere better.”
“Never in a million years did I think this would be my life.”
“Don’t you have family who can help?” I ask, thinking about my dad and Callum.
“No. My parents died a few years ago. And as for Graham’s family, they probably could help, but don’t. His mum hasn’t bothered with the girls since he died. I think she blames me.”
How can his family turn their backs on this gorgeous family? Christ, Stacey isn’t anything to me and I don’t want to leave her and the girls here when I have to go home. How can someone who is family turn their back on these two beautiful girls? Some things that happen in life don’t make sense, and this is one of those.
“What about friends?”
“My friends don’t really keep in touch since we moved in here. They don’t want to come and visit. The area doesn’t have a good reputation.”
No family, no friends because they don’t want to come to a rough area. Well, in my opinion, they were never true friends. Because true friends would be around no matter the situation. Hearing Stacey’s story only confirms how lucky I am, but that’s not going to help her.
I look at Kali in my arms and she’s fallen asleep. She’s a perfect wee girl without a care in the world at the moment, like her sister. But how will it affect them if their situation doesn’t improve?
I already know the answer to that because Michelle has said that it’s a vicious cycle for those living in poverty.
“Stacey, with Kali sleeping, why don’t you take them both to bed and get some rest yourself? We’ll go and I’ll call you in the morning. Remember, I can help you anytime, day or night.”
“Thank you. I appreciate all you’re doing for me and my girls. And Ella, thank you for helping the charity.”
“Hopefully it will make a difference,” I say, handing Stacey her sleeping daughter.
“We’ll let ourselves out. Just remember to lock the door.” Stacey nods and we leave.
We walk down the three flights of stairs in silence. There’s a small group of teenagers standing around the entrance, smoking and drinking. I keep my head down and follow Michelle out to the car. In the car, I take a deep breath and look back at the building we’ve just left.
“What are you thinking?” Michelle asks.
“That they can’t stay there. The cycle needs to be broken or else those two beautiful girls are going to end up hanging around flats, drinking and smoking. Our society is failing those who need it the most.”
“Ella, you have to understand, some people are more than happy living like this. They don’t want anything else out of life, but others . . . well, you’ve seen for yourself.”
She starts the car and we drive away. Michelle stops at a park, which is only five minutes away from Stacey’s flat. It’s run down and there’s a large group of teenagers hanging around. I’m trying not to be judgemental about them but it’s hard when I see some passing around a bottle and each person taking a mouthful.
I want to help Stacey and the girls, break the cycle before it’s too late. I’m saddened at how lonely her life is. Yes, she has her daughters, but she’s young and should have friends.
Real friends.
FIVE DAYS HE’S BEEN GONE. No contact. Nothing.
I’ve been really busy during the day on the set and in meetings, but at night, I’ve been alone. Being alone makes you think, and I’m tired of thinking. I’ve given myself a constant headache with all the crap buzzing around in my head.
Whatever happened to normality? When Alex told me that I didn’t have to worry about the people Donovan owed money to, I stupidly thought my life would be normal again. I was so wrong.
I sigh, turning over in bed. The same bed Connor and I shared for weeks. I can still smell him if I take a deep breath. I want him here with me. I want him to tell me face-to-face what the hell he has to hide. There’s not been a single night this week that I’ve managed to sleep soundly.
My nightmares are back, creeping around, trying to drag me into the darkness. It’s been easy to stay positive when I’ve been working. Put on a brave face. Act; after all, that’s what I’m good at. But alone, it’s not so easy. I find myself on a downward spiral and I’m not sure where it will end.
I want the pounding headache to disappear, but I know it won’t. Not with all the jumbled thoughts in my head.
Callum and Julie have both been phoning constantly, but I’m doing what I did when Donovan left me. I’m shutting myself away from them. And why? I’m not entirely sure. Julie left me a voicemail last night, saying, ‘If I don’t hear from you, I’ll be over tomorrow and I’m not listening to any of your excuses.’
I don’t have to pretend with Julie. She’ll allow me to be myself. To have a crying session if that’s what I want. But she’ll also be the one to give me a kick up the arse and tell me to pull myself together. That’s what I need to do,
because this moping around and feeling sorry for myself isn’t doing me any favours.
I put on an act the other night when I called Libby. She asked how I was and I told her that everything is okay. I’m sure she knows it isn’t, but she didn’t press. She was so full of energy, asking lots of questions about the charity. I told her all about my meeting with Stacey and her two little girls. She sounded genuinely concerned when I mentioned their living conditions.
We spoke at great length, especially after she told me about her proposal. She would like to host a charity dinner at Stewart House. She wants to involve Jess and me. Both the charities we represent would benefit. She claims it’s the least she can do considering what we’re doing. I tried to reassure her she doesn’t need to do anything, but she wasn’t listening to a single word I said. We have arranged to meet here on Wednesday night, and Jess will be here too. Libby is hoping the event can be organised quickly.
I’m sure she’ll manage it. After all, she did organise a wedding from start to finish in only five weeks. I’m looking forward to seeing them both.
I should force myself to get out of bed. If only so that when Julie gets here, she doesn’t need to drag me from it. And I have no doubts that if I’m still in here when she arrives, that’s exactly what she’ll do.
This room is a mess.
My eyes scan the entire room as I stand. Nothing is where it’s meant to be. I should clean it, but I can’t be bothered. The minute I do clean, it will be as though Connor was never here and I’m not ready to let that go. If I wash the bedding, his scent will no longer linger. And while I can still feel and smell him, there’s hope in my heart.
Hope that he’ll come home to me.
I pass the tall, free-standing mirror and catch a glimpse of myself. It’s not a pretty sight. The dark circles under my eyes are a constant reminder of my lack of sleep. My skin is pale, almost grey. Casper the friendly ghost I am not.
This is ridiculous. I’m not bloody sick.
But I am heartbroken. I should never have allowed myself to get close to Connor because as soon as I realised I was falling for him, I knew if it didn’t work out, it would break me. And I’ve lost my friend. The one thing I was scared would happen has happened and there’s nothing I can do about it.
Scripted Love Page 10
