I wander into the bathroom. Time for a shower and to try and pull myself together.
The shower was warm but did nothing to soothe my mood. And I don’t think the way I’m feeling is just to do with Connor. I’m shivering from head to toe, even though I’ve pulled a hooded sweater over my T-shirt. I hope I’m not coming back down with the cold; that’s the last thing I need.
I enter the kitchen and switch on the kettle. I need a warm cup of tea before I do anything else. The noise of the front door opening startles me and I walk into the hallway. “Do you not know how to answer a fucking phone?” Julie is mad as she marches towards me. “I’ve been trying to phone you and I’m sure everyone else has been doing the same thing.”
“I switched my phone off last night and haven’t turned it back on. What time is it?” I ask her.
“Eight a.m.”
“You’re kidding me? God, give me strength. Whatever you’re going to shout at me about, I need tea first. I feel like crap.”
“Yeah, you look like it too.”
Cheeky bitch. I turn my back to her and walk back into the kitchen, taking another mug from the cupboard and making two cups of tea. I don’t have to turn around to know she’s watching me; I feel her eyes boring into my back. She has something on her mind and I know she’s about to tell me what it is.
“Well?” I ask, placing a mug on the island before her. I sit down, taking a drink of my tea.
“Do you have any idea how I felt not being able to get you on the phone? No, I don’t suppose you do. You’re lucky I’m here first, but, just so you’re aware your dad, Callum, and Trevor are all on their way here, because . . .” She’s pacing my kitchen floor, looking everywhere but at me.
Dread fills me and my first thought is what the hell has Donovan done now? Whenever something bad happens, his name is usually floating around. She finally stops and sits beside me, not opposite as she would usually do, and takes my hand. I look at her and all I see is sadness and my thoughts turn from Donovan to Connor.
Something is wrong.
“Ella, there’s a story. It’s everywhere. The papers, TV channels. They’re all running with it.”
“What story?”
“It’s about Connor.”
My heart sinks, and as I look at her, something tells me this is the reason he left. I’m not sure I’m ready to hear what she’s about to tell me, but I don’t have a choice. “Go on,” I say reluctantly.
“Well, Mr Andrews has plenty of skeletons in his cupboard after all. Christ, they must’ve been waiting for someone to open the door. And, boy, have they all come tumbling out.”
“For fuck’s sake, just tell me.”
“Do you know he starred in a porno?”
No, this can’t be right. “No. He wouldn’t.”
“Well, I’m saying starred in, but it doesn’t look as though he wanted to.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, I haven’t watched it, but Trevor has. There’s also pictures online of him in compromising positions with various women.”
I stare at her, lost for words. It can’t be Connor. His image is very clean cut. “I’m sure it can’t be him.”
“Ella, it is, but there’s something you should know. When I said it doesn’t look as though he wanted to star in a porno, I should’ve said Trevor thinks it wasn’t consensual.”
Not consensual. He was forced to do this? When and by who? My head is spinning and I’m having a hard time trying to understand what she means. Anger. Fear. Confusion. They are all fighting for a position inside me, and I feel as though my head is going to explode.
I need to breathe. Just breathe.
“Julie, please. You’re confusing me. Just tell me what you mean.”
“Okay. The video that has been uploaded is a very young Connor, can’t be more than fifteen. The women are all older and so is the other man.”
Tears fill my eyes. Her words strike me like a blow in my stomach. Nausea sweeps through me. I push from my chair quickly with my hand over my mouth and dash to the sink. Julie’s hand rubs lightly on my back as I’m bent over, being sick in my kitchen sink. She turns on the tap, running cold water.
When I finally stand upright, she pours me a drink of water and pushes it into my hands. I take a drink, swallowing the entire contents and then pouring another. The water will do for now until I go back upstairs and freshen up.
“Ella, come and sit back down.” Julie gently guides me back to the seat and I sit. “Are you okay now?”
I can’t answer her because I’m far from okay.
“You say no more than fifteen?” She nods, her eyes filled with a deep sadness. “He’s kept this to himself for all these years that he . . .” I can’t bring myself to say the words but I’m sure she knows what I’m trying to say.
I need to speak to him.
He must be hurting. All this time, he’s had a horrible secret bottled up inside. I need to see him. I want to help him through this.
“Yes, he has,” she says, her voice full of sorrow.
“I need to call him.” I grab my phone from where I left it last night and power it on. Julie wasn’t kidding when she said everyone was trying to get in touch with me. I don’t take notice of any of the missed calls or messages except one; Connor’s dad has called a few times and sent a message. I open it.
Ella, can you ask Connor to call us. His mother is worried sick.
“He’s not at home!” Where is he? And why did he tell Callum he was going to his parents?
“What do you mean?”
“His dad wants him to get in touch with them. I need to call them.”
I call his dad who answers almost instantly. I tell him I’ve not seen Connor since he walked out on me. This is all news to him. I try my best to explain everything but I fear I’m making the situation worse. As we speak, I can hear Connor’s mum crying in the background. My heart breaks for her. Before we end the call, he tells me that he and his wife are going to travel down to Glasgow today. I offer to have them stay here, but he said he’d wait and see how things are when they get here.
I hear the front door open and close as I flick through the rest of my missed calls and messages. I don’t even lift my head when I hear them enter the kitchen. “Ella, how are you?” Callum asks.
“Callum, where is he?”
“At his parents’ house.”
“He’s not! I’ve just spoken with his dad and his parents will be here later today. His poor mum is distraught. Don’t lie to me.”
“Ella, honestly, I don’t know. He told me he was going to theirs.”
“Sweetheart, everything will be okay,” my dad says, coming into my view with Trevor behind him.
“How can it be? All sorts of things are running through my head.”
“Ella.” Something about the way Trevor says my name has me pausing. “I know where he is.” I get the feeling he’s trying to work out what to say to me next.
“You what? How long have you known where he was and about this?”
Trevor walks toward me, but I stand and make my way to the patio doors and stare out into the garden and the green hills beyond. I wrap my arms around my body as sadness and anger roll from me in waves. I hear the mumbled voices of my dad and Trevor, but it’s Trevor who stands beside me.
“I’m sorry. It wasn’t my place to say where he is.”
“Where is he?” I ask calmly.
“In Glasgow at a hotel.” These last five days when I’ve come so close to losing it because he’s not been here with me, he’s only been a few miles away.
I hesitate, but eventually turn to face him. “How bad is the story on Connor?”
“Here’s the thing. The story isn’t that bad. Most of it is speculation about how a young and innocent boy ended up in the clutches of some unsavoury actors. Actors who would never have made a name for themselves without doing what they did. The story so far seems sympathetic to Connor.”
“Is it true?”
> “Yes.” His one lonely word has my tears falling. Falling for what the man I love went through as a young boy. Callum is quickly beside me and engulfs me in his arms. I bury my head against his chest and cry.
“I need to see him.”
WE ALL HAVE GHOSTS IN our past, and anyone who tells you any different is lying. I’ve never questioned Connor’s past because I had no reason to. To me, he has always been Connor Andrews, with a clean-cut reputation.
This doesn’t change that. Not in my eyes.
He’s kept this awful secret hidden for almost fifteen years.
His poor mum. What must she be going through?
Why has this now cropped up? Who would want to cause him pain?
His name is spinning around my head. A nightmare waiting to be unleashed. As I sit in the car with Trevor driving, I quickly scroll through my messages and calls. I can’t be angry with Trevor, even though it would be so easy to. After all, he lied to me. But I get that he was only looking out for Connor.
There it is. Donovan.
You need to call me. You don’t need to be associated with someone who has a past like that.
As opposed to what Donovan has done in his past. He’s tried to call me a few times. Even if my phone had been switched on, there’s no way in hell I’d answer a call from him.
The car stops. I lift my head and see we’re outside the main entrance to the Hilton.
“Ella, do you want me to cancel tonight?”
I had completely forgotten about tonight. I’m out with the charity later, offering help to some of our city’s homeless. “No. I’ll be there.”
“Are you sure?” I nod. I gave Michelle my word and intend on keeping it. “Okay. Ella, I am sorry that I kept his whereabouts from you, but he thought he was doing the right thing to protect you and his family.”
“I understand. I’ll call you later.” He nods and I exit the car. A few people stare as I enter the hotel lobby, but I’m not interested. I walk straight toward the elevators and press the up button. I step inside alone, and when the doors open, I press for the twentieth floor.
I stand outside his hotel room door, staring at it, wondering if he’ll even see me.
Enough with the stalling.
I draw in a deep breath, knock on the door, and wait.
A moment later, I hear his voice for the first time in five days. “Go away. I didn’t order anything.” I knock again, this time more firmly. “Hold on.”
I hear the lock turning and I hold my breath as he opens the door.
And there he is. Standing before me, shocked and looking as though he’s had as much sleep as me these past few days. My eyes meet his and I offer him a smile.
“Ella.”
“Can I come in?”
He takes a step back and opens the door wider. I enter, not stopping until I’m standing in the middle of the room. The door closes and I hear his footsteps crossing the floor.
I turn around to face him. His body is tense and his eyes are dark. I can’t make up my mind if he’s happy to see me or angry that I’m in his hotel room. My heart is breaking and all I want to do is melt into his arms. But I can’t. If that’s what he wants, he has to lead.
“Why are you here?”
“Because the man I love is hurting, and all I want to do is take away your pain. Where else would I be?” My smile wavers and suddenly I feel as though I’m about to shed more tears as he looks deep into my eyes.
The corners of his mouth curve and life returns to his darkened eyes. His smile is real as he wraps his arms around me, holding me close. I soak up everything I’ve missed about him. I breathe his scent and I listen to the strong beat of his heart.
“You have no idea what hearing those words means to me,” he whispers against my neck, kissing me just below my ear.
“You’re not mad I’m here?”
“I could never be mad at you,” he says, his voice full of emotion. “I’m nothing without you in my life.”
“Well, you, Connor Andrews, should never have walked away from me. From us.”
“I thought it was for the best. I didn’t want to bring you or my family shame. I thought if I walked away, the story and the videos would stay hidden. How wrong was I? I should’ve known after everything he’s put you through lately, he wouldn’t stick to his word.”
“Donovan.”
“Yes.”
“Let’s sit down and you can tell me everything.”
He sits down on the bed and pulls my body to his so I’m sitting between his legs, my back to his stomach.
I stare ahead, silently waiting for him to tell me the story I’m sure haunts him.
“Donovan has always known what happened years ago. He was the one that actually made the story disappear at the time.” I shiver, not because I’m cold, but because my thoughts have turned to what he’s been through. No one should be forced into a situation like he was. He was only a boy. A young lad.
I sit with his arms around me and listen to him take several deep breaths. He shouldn’t be nervous with me. I’m not going to judge him.
When he doesn’t say anything, I turn around to face him. “Connor, take your time. I love you and I’m not going anywhere.”
Slowly, Connor closes his eyes and I know he’s thinking about what I’ve just said.
“So, Donovan made this story disappear the first time?”
He stares ahead, gathering his thoughts. I know this must be hard for him after all these years and I don’t want to make it any harder than it already is. But I do need to know and understand.
“Connor?”
His voice is low and steady as he starts to speak. “I was only fifteen. It was my first time away from the farm and my parents. Everything was meant to be incredible. I was on this huge adventure. I was going to be a star in Hollywood. My agent had taken me under his wing. He was meant to looking after me. He gave my parents his assurance I would be safe. But he didn’t keep me safe. Instead, he used me. He threatened me, saying if I didn’t do what he wanted, my parents would lose everything. I won’t go into the details and I’m hoping and praying you haven’t seen some of the footage I know has been leaked.”
Tears run slowly down his face. I shake my head, hoping he understands that I’ve not seen it, nor do I want to.
“I met Donovan a few months after arriving in Hollywood. We were both at the same event. He was there with his family and I was there with my agent, who would hardly let me move from his side. That night, I just wanted to forget about everything I was doing. The women . . . I had no interest in any of them. God, they were all so much older than me and they were proper porn stars.”
I nod, offering him the encouragement to carry on.
“I hated that man and still do. That night, I got so drunk and I eventually told Donovan what was going on. He told his dad, who got me away from my agent, and I stayed with them. That is how Donovan and I became friends.”
That’s the Donovan I remember. Someone who put others first and tried to help.
“When I was twenty and my first major film was about to be released, the agent appeared, trying to blackmail me into giving him money or he would leak the footage. Donovan and his dad dealt with him, tying up all loose ends. I thought it was gone from my life until now. Donovan sent me a message last week saying that if I wanted that footage to stay under lock and key, I had to leave you.”
“So, he’s gone from protecting you and being your friend to blackmailing you.”
“I should’ve realised he would play this card eventually. Especially when I’ve never hidden my feelings about you. I couldn’t hide them even if I wanted to. Everyone knew how I felt about you, including him. I’ve always felt a connection between us and I know he hated it.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“I’m not expecting you to say anything. All these years I’ve kept this hidden because I was ashamed of what I let happen to me.”
“This isn’t your fault. You were only
fifteen. You were only a boy.”
“Yes, I was. But as I’ve got older, I’ve realised that I was abused and used for someone else’s gain. Fuck. I never wanted my mum to know what I went through, and now, with today’s stories, I’ll have to tell her and watch her crumble.”
“Yes, and soon. She and your dad are on their way here to Glasgow.”
“Shit! I’m not ready to face them yet.”
“They’re your parents and their love for you, like mine, is unconditional. Your mum is distraught. She needs to see her son and wants to protect him as a mother should.”
“That’s three times you’ve said that word,” he says with a smile.
“And I’ll say it until I’m blue in the face. I love you.”
His eyes meet mine. “I should’ve told you about Donovan.”
“Yes. But I know now, and together we are strong and we’ll get through this. Together.”
For a moment, I see a brief sadness in his eyes and then he smiles. “How long do we have together until I need to see my parents?”
“I would say a couple of hours before they arrive at my house. Or I’ll call them and tell them to come straight here. It’s your call.”
“We’ll call them and ask them to come here.” I smile at his answer and press a soft kiss to his lips. “Ella, I’m sorry for what I’ve put you through. But I want you to know how much you mean to me.”
“I know and you don’t have to be sorry. I understand your reasons.”
“I would do anything in my power to protect you. I love you.” He leans in, pressing his forehead to mine. “I love you and I want to show you how much.”
I FEEL HIS FINGERS AT the hem of my t-shirt before his lifts it, pulling it off over my head. His breath is like magic on my bare skin as he trails kisses around my neck and over the swell of my breasts. Already, my body is tight with desire for the man I’ve fallen head over heels for. I need to feel him.
I pull away, stand at the side of the bed, and quickly remove my shoes, jeans and then my underwear, leaving me completely naked. His eyes wash over me, taking in every last detail. “Your turn,” I say.
Scripted Love Page 11
