But the truth turned out to be even worse than her fears.
“Hey, Alex,” Lucas stood on her doorstep, his hands clenched into fists in his pockets.
“Lucas,” Alex sighed in relief. “I was starting to get worried. I haven’t heard from you since Oliv—uh, since Monday.”
“Yeah, it’s been a little nuts,” Lucas replied, smiling weakly. “I’ve had some thinking to do about things.”
“Things? What things?” Alex said, hating how panicked she sounded. She was pretty dang sure she already knew the answer to her own question.
“Well, Olivia, mostly,” Lucas said, looking at the ground. “See, the thing is, I . . . I don’t think I can . . .” He let his breath out all in one whoosh and bit his lip.
“You don’t think you can tell her that you want to break things off?” Alex prompted, praying she could keep the searing pain out of her voice and off her face, at least until he left. “You don’t think you can tell her that you’re in love with someone else?”
“No,” Lucas said, looking up at her. “I don’t think I can tell her those things.”
Alex nodded, looking down at her bare feet and chewed on her lip. She chanted the words you will not cry, you will not cry in her head as she pulled her breathing and expression back into composure. “So what does that mean for us?”
“Alex, I’m so sorry,” Lucas said, reaching out to lay a hand on her arm. “I really have no excuse. I just forgot. Being separated from Olivia, I forgot that, well, there will never be anyone else for me. Just her.”
Alex’s eyes flew from her feet to his face. He wasn’t even going to give her a chance to fight for him?
“You mean, this,” she gestured between the two of them. “Us. We’re just . . . over? That’s it?”
“I’m so sorry,” Lucas said again, and Alex thought he actually might cry, given the look on his face. “I’ve said so many things that I regret, but nothing more than telling you I loved you this past weekend. That was unforgivable.”
Alex had to hold on to the doorframe to keep from sinking to her knees. “You . . . regret telling me you love me?” she choked.
“I thought I did,” Lucas said desperately. “I promise, Alex. I really thought what I was feeling was love. But then Olivia came home, and we’ve spent a few days getting reacquainted and spending time with each other, reliving memories, and it’s dawned on me over that time that I’ve always loved her. She’s everything I’ve ever wanted and I let myself forget that when she was gone. But she’s . . . home for me.”
“Excuse me,” Alex said. She reached down and grabbed the ballet flats she kept by the door. Then, pushing past him, she strode out the door and down the sidewalk. She needed to move, to have some kind of outlet. And she needed to get away from him.
“Please, Alex, don’t hate me,” Lucas cried, following her down the sidewalk. “I don’t expect you to forgive me, but please don’t hate me. I really do care about you.”
“Go away, Lucas,” she answered through white lips. “I can’t talk to you right now.”
Immediately she heard his footsteps halt behind her. He stood quietly on the sidewalk, watching her walk away. But in reality, she knew it was the other way around. She was the one left standing alone, watching him walk happily away with Olivia.
Alex walked to the park and sat on the bench overlooking the playground. It was near freezing outside, and Alex had no more than a light jacket on, but she couldn’t even feel the frosty air as it dusted across her cheeks. At first, she felt lifeless and petrified inside, like old wood. As though emotion were something her body had no concept of. But as what had just happened began to sink into her consciousness, she found herself doubled up and sobbing, the ache and disappointment seeming too great to reside in one person.
He was gone. Lucas was gone, and he wasn’t coming back.
She wasn’t sure how long she cried, but soon she became aware of an arm resting warmly over her shoulders. She didn’t know how long it had been there, but the moment she realized it, she jerked up and away.
“Hey, it’s just me,” Sealey said. And without waiting for her to respond, he pulled her firmly back into his arms, her head on his shoulder. Without waiting for permission, she allowed herself to cry into his sweater.
He held her and comforted her as she soaked his shoulder, stroking her back and whispering soft words into her ear until she was able to calm down.
“S-s-sorry,” she sniffled, gesturing to his sweater. “I’ve probably ruined that.”
“The shirt doesn’t matter,” he replied, studying her closely. “I’m just worried about you. I’ve never seen anyone cry like that.”
“I’m not sure I have either,” Alex replied, with a weak lift at the corner of her mouth. “How did you find me?”
“Luke came home and told me what he’d done,” Sealey said, his voice sounding flinty. “He said that he left you walking down the sidewalk toward the park. It wasn’t hard to locate you after that.”
“Well, thanks for coming, even though I almost wish you hadn’t,” Alex said, sniffing. “I’m embarrassed for you to see me like this. How pathetic.”
“Oh, come on,” he responded. “Everybody cries.”
“That’s almost hilarious, coming from you,” Alex returned pointedly. “I doubt you’ve cried since you were two.”
“I was at least three,” Sealey teased, winking at her. Suddenly his voice rang with sincerity. “Actually, today was probably the closest I’ve come in a long time.” He ran his hand up and down her arm as he said it.
Alex gasped. “Oh, Sealey! Olivia! I’m so sorry!”
Sealey looked startled for a second and then realization dawned in his eyes. “It’s no big deal,” he said. “I’ll get over it, just like you will.”
“But here I am, sobbing like an idiot, and there you are, just holding me and comforting me, when you’re probably hurting just as much as I am! More!”
“Alex, it’s really not that bad,” he began, but Alex rode right over him.
“I’m so selfish! Always so selfish!” she cried. “Do you need to talk about it? Is there anything I can do? After all, this is mainly my fault. I’m the one who couldn’t distract Lucas!”
“Alex,” Sealey said firmly. “Everything happened exactly as it should. Lucas had two incredible options. He chose the one that he felt was best for him. Who can blame him?”
“You’re so much better than I am,” Alex sighed. “All I can do is try to think of ways to get him back.”
“Please don’t try,” Sealey pleaded. “Just let it go.”
“I’m not sure I can,” she said, tears filling up her eyes again. “Sealey, I love him. How can I just forget him?”
Sealey looked at her but didn’t say a word.
ALEX DIDN’T THINK she could face church the following Sunday. She had heard through the grapevine that Olivia was already settled in Logan, ready to begin grad school in January and pick up where she had left off with Lucas. The two of them had been spotted all over town together, and Alex herself had received many well-meaning condolence texts from girls in her ward who had guessed at her discarding. She wished she could unread every single one of them. Especially since Alex had finally been given the one opportunity she had never actually wanted. She had finally met Olivia.
It had all been an accident, really. Alex had been leaving swim practice right at the moment that Lucas and Olivia were entering the gym together. Never before had Alex suspected that she would grow to hate the sight of those sea-green eyes and that curly hair, but it had happened. She couldn’t even bear to look at them.
She had initially just walked right past as though she hadn’t seen the two of them, but Lucas had immediately turned to follow her. His hand fell heavily on her shoulder, impeding her progress toward the door.
“Alex,” he had pleaded in a whisper, glancing over his shoulder at the sweet-looking blonde watching them curiously. “I really want to introduce you to her.”
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br /> “Does she know who I am?” Alex asked through gritted teeth. “Does she know about us?”
“She knows that I was dating someone before she got back, yes,” Lucas replied. “But she doesn’t know that it was you. Please, Alex. I need you to know her. I don’t think you’ll ever understand how I could have done what I did if you don’t know her.”
“I doubt I’ll understand anyway,” Alex muttered under her breath, but she walked back with him to where the blonde was standing.
“Hi, you must be Olivia,” Alex said, holding out her hand to the girl. She was determined to be in control of this situation, even though inside she felt like she was burning at the stake. “Lucas and Sealey have told me so much about you. It’s great to finally meet you in person. I’m Alex Foamer.”
“Oh, Alex!” Olivia replied, eagerly shaking her hand and smiling. She was short, about five feet two inches, with long, curly blonde hair to the middle of her back. She had a tiny frame, the kind that looked as though the smallest puff of wind could blow it over. Her large, expressive blue eyes were wide and sincere.
“Sealey has told me a lot about you as well!” Olivia sang.
Alex blinked at her. “He has?” she asked.
“Yes, he wrote me all about you!” Olivia smiled. “He really admires you.” Goodness and authenticity absolutely radiated from her face. Despite the animosity Alex had secretly felt toward Olivia for the past few months, now that she was face-to-face with her, Alex found she couldn’t maintain it. In fact, she felt almost unworthy to stand in the presence of someone so obviously angelic.
“Oh, well, that’s . . . unexpected,” Alex said, a corner of her mouth twitching. The words seemed to apply so aptly to both what she was hearing and what she was feeling. “So how is it being home?”
“Oh, it’s been great,” Olivia answered, nodding and smiling warmly. “I mean, I miss Australia like crazy, but there have been, you know, compensations.” She winked up at Lucas, and Alex felt a sharp pain knife through her, somewhere in the vicinity of her heart.
“I’m sure there are,” she replied, forcing a smile. She reminded herself that Olivia had no idea who she was and was not being cruel on purpose. She felt rather proud of herself for bothering to do so. “Well, welcome home. I suspect I’ll see you at church on Sunday.”
“Looking forward to it. Bye!” Olivia waved, and she and Lucas headed for the stairs to the weight room.
Well, Sunday had arrived, and Alex was trying to work up the motivation to actually make it to church. She was dreading all the pitying stares and whispers that she was going to have to pretend not to notice. Knowing that if she didn’t go, she could add guilt to the really, really enjoyable emotional cocktail she was currently experiencing, she sighed and pulled herself out of bed. She attempted to make enough of an effort with her appearance that it wouldn’t look like she was broken, but not so much that it looked like she was trying not to look like she was broken. It was a delicate balance. Still, looking in the mirror, she was pleased with how put-together she appeared.
“Gracefully done,” Meredith approved when she saw her. “You look quietly dignified.”
“There’s something in that phrase that sounds overtly spinsterish,” Alex said, sighing. “I guess I can’t escape it now.”
“Oh, please,” Kacey scoffed. “You are twenty-four years old. You don’t hit spinster status until at least twenty-five around here.”
“Gee, thanks,” Alex said, rolling her eyes. “Let’s just get this over with, okay?”
The six roommates arrived at church together, and Alex was touched when her five pals simultaneously closed ranks around her as they entered the chapel. It was a futile effort, given that she was taller than all of them, but the sight of little Rachel taking a protective step in front of her gave Alex an undeniable feeling of warmth.
They sat in their usual sixth row of the chapel, and Alex immediately pulled out her scriptures, wanting to look occupied if anyone happened to get any funny ideas about coming over to commiserate with her. She knew the moment that Lucas entered the room with Olivia, because the noise level rose considerably. Cursing herself for the need, but needing it all the same, she glanced in his direction.
He looked as handsome as ever in a dark gray suit and green tie. His arm was around Olivia’s waist, who was looking fetching in a belted royal blue dress and matching pumps, her blonde locks cascading in ringlets down her back. Alex immediately regretted looking over when she realized how many people had noticed. The pitying looks she had been expecting were pressing in on her from all sides. Feeling the tension bunching in her neck and shoulders, she turned back to her scriptures, her eyes feeling as though they might burn a hole through the page. Meredith reached out and surreptitiously squeezed her hand.
“You can do this,” she assured Alex quietly. “Nobody is stronger than you are.”
The words were exactly what Alex needed to hear. They filled the hole in her heart temporarily with a comforting balm, but unfortunately, the feeling of intense relief and gratitude caused the very reaction that Alex had been trying so desperately to avoid. Her eyes filled with tears. Knowing that it would only make things worse, but refusing to cry in front of Lucas, Alex rocketed to her feet, slid as fast as she could down the bench and out of the chapel, feeling hundreds of eyes following her.
Alex walked back to her apartment, wiping her eyes as she went. This was the very problem with dating someone in your ward. When it inevitably went pear-shaped, suddenly church was no longer the haven it used to be. She’d have to talk to the bishop about the possibility of changing wards. If only until Lucas and Olivia were married and safely moved into a family ward. She couldn’t take seeing the two of them at church each week.
If she were smart, she would’ve walked right up to them and started talking and laughing with them as though nothing were wrong. As though she had given them her blessing or something. It would have immediately counteracted all the pity and the ward-wide rumors, and simultaneously soothed Lucas’s, Sealey’s, and her roommates’ worries about her. And maybe it would have even helped her heal a little bit. But even if such a thing had occurred to her in the moment, Alex doubted she would have had the ability to pull it off convincingly. It was all still too close to the surface.
When Alex arrived back at the apartment, instead of going inside, she pulled her jacket more tightly around herself and sat on the front steps of the building. The air was almost cold enough to see her breath, and now and then she caught sight of a steamy puff issuing from her mouth. She allowed the chilly air slowly in and out of her lungs, her face lifted to the clear blue sky.
She had no idea what came next. Alex knew she had no choice but to move on with her life, but she didn’t know how. Lucas had been her sole focus for so long, for months before he even knew who she was. She wasn’t sure how to just suddenly do an about-face. And the thought of just letting him go wasn’t something she felt she could do yet. But what other option did she have?
Alex heard her roommates return from church a few hours later, and their voices sounded intentionally soft, as though they were afraid of disturbing her. But it sounded like they were arguing about something. The tone of their conversation was intense, confrontational, even though she couldn’t make out the individual words they said. Not wanting to be the kind of dumped girlfriend who cowers in her bedroom, Alex got to her feet and went to join them.
Silence enveloped the kitchen as soon as she entered. Green, blue, and brown eyes peered at her from five different faces, some wary, some pitying, and some determined.
“Alex,” Meredith began, with a resolute look on her face.
“No!” Rachel interrupted. “It’s not fair. It’s not right to say anything.”
“I’m sorry,” Meredith replied, not sounding or looking sorry at all. “I don’t know Olivia. But I know Alex. And I can’t handle seeing her like this. So if I can fix it, I’m going to try.”
Kacey nodded firmly, while Sage
looked unsure and Jaclyn looked back and forth between Rachel and Meredith, apparently content to just watch.
“What are you talking about?” Alex asked, looking at Meredith curiously. “What do you mean, you can fix it?”
“Kacey and I overheard something today,” Meredith answered. “We were sitting behind Lucas and Sealey in Sunday school and we heard them talking about you and Olivia.”
“Oh?” Alex said, really trying to sound nonchalant, but at the same time wondering why she bothered. “What did they say?”
“Lucas was telling Sealey how bad he felt for leading you on like he did,” Kacey answered. “He said he hated causing you so much pain and how he wasn’t sure he would ever stop feeling guilty about it. Apparently seeing you run out of the chapel today really hit him hard.”
“And then Sealey said Lucas better hope that Olivia didn’t find out about it because she would hate the idea that people were suffering because of her,” Meredith chimed in. “He said that if Olivia found out about what Lucas had said to you before she came home and how much you loved Lucas, that Olivia would step out of the picture so you and Lucas could be together.”
The kitchen rang with the sound of absolute silence. Alex stared at Meredith, her mind racing. Her roommates stared back, allowing her to process the information.
“Sealey said that Olivia would step out of the picture if she knew about me and Lucas?” she restated, making sure she understood.
Meredith nodded solemnly. “That’s what he said.”
“But it doesn’t mean anything,” Rachel insisted. “First of all, you guys should never have heard that stuff. If you hadn’t been eavesdropping, you never would have. Second, Alex can’t go and spill everything to Olivia! It’s not right! If Lucas wanted Olivia to know, he would have told her himself.”
Sage was nodding, but when she opened her mouth it was to disagree. “But with that kind of information in her hands, how can Alex not do anything about it? She’s in love with Lucas; how can she not fight for him?”
Catching Lucas Riley Page 17
