“But will Lucas even want her if she does something like that?” Jaclyn pointed out. “Won’t that just make him mad?”
“Maybe at first,” Kacey answered. “But I think in the long run he’ll see the action for what it is, proof of how much she loves him. And Lucas loves Alex too—I know he does. If Olivia refuses to stay with him, I know he’ll come back to Alex.”
“So what do you say, Alex?” Meredith asked. “How would you like to get Lucas back?”
Alex stared, her thoughts racing. She’d wanted to fight back for as long as she’d been miserable but had known she was lacking the weapons. Now she had them. How could she not use them?
“Let’s do it,” she said.
Alex sat outside the institute building, waiting for Olivia to make an appearance. Sealey had been the unwitting source of her information, informing her that Olivia was taking an institute class on campus when she had asked some questions about the girl, feigning general interest. In actuality, all Alex had wanted to know was her schedule. And, of course, Olivia was already enrolled in institute within a week of returning home from her mission. Of course. The girl was a tiny, blue-eyed, blonde-haired saint. Her face seemed to almost glow with Christlike fervor. Alex wished she could resent her, but everything she’d seen from Olivia indicated that she was kind, genuine, and unselfish. Not like Alex.
Alex stared down at her shoes, biting her lip. She’d been struggling internally ever since she’d agreed to her roommates’ plot. She couldn’t believe she’d come to this. So desperate was she to get Lucas back, she was willing to make him miserable first. Not just him, but also a sweet, beautiful returned missionary who had done absolutely nothing to Alex, except be just a little too lovable.
In that moment, Alex hated herself.
Why couldn’t she just be like Sealey and let the whole thing go? Why was she so obsessed with having Lucas? She remembered what Sealey had said weeks before about her scheming to cause heartbreak just so she could get what she wanted. Just like everyone else, all her life she’d heard classic tales of romance where lovers made the ultimate sacrifice, giving up everything they’d ever wanted for the happiness of their loved one. Why couldn’t Alex manage to do it? Why was her happiness more important to her than Lucas’s? Or Olivia’s?
Alex nearly stood up then, determined to try to forget Lucas at least one more time before taking this drastic step, but suddenly she remembered the way he had looked the first time he had kissed her. His curly hair slightly disheveled from the 150-foot drop of the Sky Coaster. He had looked down at her with such focus, his green eyes studying her face intently before he leaned toward her. She had seen such sweet vulnerability on his face, a look that was uncommon for the confident athlete. His lips had felt perfect on hers. Her resolve faltered at the memory. How could she give him up? When would she ever find a better, kinder man? One who loved her more gently and purely?
Alex glanced around her self-consciously as tears filled her eyes. It wasn’t fair. She’d waited so long for Lucas to even notice she was alive. She thought she’d reached perfect happiness the day Lucas had told her he was in love with her . . . but it had faded much too swiftly. Why? How could life be so cruel as to give her everything she wanted and then to snatch it away so quickly?
She discreetly wiped a finger under her eyes as she glanced around once more. Her gaze fell on a couple, walking hand-in-hand toward the building. Olivia’s head fell back, her curly blonde hair catching the sunlight as she laughed. Lucas looked down at her, his expression captivated as he took her in. He had never looked at Alex that way. Like the only thing that mattered in the whole world was right there in front of him. They looked complete, the two of them. Right. Whole.
In that one glance, everything slid into place inside her. Alex finally made the decision that had been plaguing her for days. The right one.
She loved Lucas. Or if she didn’t, it was as close to love as she’d ever felt before. But watching him now, she knew he didn’t love her. At least not in the way he loved Olivia. What right did Alex have to ruin such a beautiful thing?
Despite the fact that her tears didn’t seem to want to stop, Alex smiled. The knot in her stomach loosened, and relief flooded through her as she finally realized what she had to do. Pulling her purse up onto her shoulder, she quickly rose and slipped around the side of the building before either of the laughing lovers could spot her.
“Alex.”
Alex heard her name as she walked from her car toward the apartment. Glancing up in surprise, she saw Sealey sitting on the steps to her building. “Hi,” she replied, nonplussed. “What are you doing here?”
“I just came to see how you were holding up,” Sealey replied. His expression was odd, as though he was attempting to x-ray her, to find some long-buried secret in her eyes.
“That was nice of you,” Alex replied, eyebrows raised. “The tearful chapel escape worried you that much, huh?”
“Kacey mentioned that you had gone to see Olivia,” Sealey said, ignoring her comment. His look had hardened into something steely and determined.
“I did,” Alex admitted, feeling her cheeks redden slightly. Was that why he had hung around? He wanted to know if she’d managed to clear the way to Olivia after all? Her stomach seemed to turn to stone inside her. How was she going to tell him that all hope, if there ever had been any, was now completely gone? Because of her.
“You did,” Sealey repeated. He continued to watch her. “And?”
“I . . . I couldn’t.”
Sealey stared at her, his look unreadable. “I don’t understand.” His blue eyes were fixed on Alex’s. “You had the opportunity to get Lucas back, but you didn’t take it?”
“I know I probably should have talked to you about it first,” Alex said, taking a deep breath. “After all, you had as much stake in this thing as I did. But I went, and I saw them, and I . . . I couldn’t do it, Sealey.”
She hadn’t even really had a chance to plan for this conversation, but if she had, she would have dreaded it. Not because she regretted her decision, but because she knew she was about to destroy Sealey’s hopes. And despite her somewhat volatile history with Sealey, she really did care about that. A lot.
In a weird way, she felt like Sealey knew her better than almost anybody else by this point. He’d been present for some of her most helpless, embarrassing, and horrific moments. But he’d also shared her triumphs as she’d fought for Lucas’s heart. And now it was all for nothing. For both of them. She had lost Lucas, and he had lost Olivia. And it was her fault.
“I’m sorry, Sealey,” she said sincerely. “So sorry. I know that you were counting on me to clear your path to Olivia, but I just couldn’t do it. They were just . . . right. You know?” she looked desperately up at him, praying that he would understand and forgive her for not taking the opportunity to possibly bring him all he had ever wanted.
“You mean you’re just . . . giving up?” Sealey’s voice sounded different. She had never heard that tone before. It was quiet, almost vulnerable. She felt her insides clench with something like nausea. Oh, why had she ever started this whole mess? She’d done nothing but cause trouble and pain for both of them, and what had changed? Nothing. Lucas was as devoted to Olivia as he’d been from the beginning. She wanted to curl up and die.
“You didn’t tell Olivia because you’re going to let her have Lucas?” Sealey clarified in the same defenseless tone.
“I’m sorry,” Alex whispered again. “I just . . . I can’t hurt him like that. Or her. They don’t deserve it. They love each other. It’s . . . visible. I swear, it almost illuminates the air around them. They should be together. Can’t you see that?”
Please see that, she begged in her mind. Please see how right I am and don’t hate me for it.
Sealey stared intently at her, saying nothing. His eyes, wide and unsure, were full of some emotion that she had never seen there before, and therefore couldn’t place. Was it pain? Disappointment? Devastati
on? None of those seemed quite right. But what else could he be feeling? He would hate her forever, she was sure of it. The thought was awful to her.
Guilt. So much guilt. She was nearly suffocating in it.
“I . . . ,” Sealey said, but then shook his head. “I need some time,” he finally continued. “Some time to process.” Without another word, he turned and walked away.
“Mom?” Alex tried not to let her voice shake as she heard the comforting sound of her mother’s voice over the phone.
“Alex?” Grace Foamer said. “Honey, what’s wrong?”
That was so like her mother. Alex had said only a single word and her mother already knew something was up.
“Mom, I know I told you I wasn’t, but I’m coming home for Thanksgiving after all,” Alex said, taking a deep breath to steady her voice. “Is that okay?”
“What a ridiculous question,” Grace answered, a smile in her voice. “We’d absolutely love to see you. Do you need money for a plane ticket?”
“I think I’ll just drive, if that’s okay,” Alex answered.
“Al, what’s going on?” Grace asked, reverting to her family’s old nickname for Alex. The sound sent a comforting warmth throughout Alex’s body. “What’s happened?”
“Nothing, I just . . .” Alex’s voice dissolved into tears and she stopped talking, just sniffling into the receiver.
“Oh, honey.” Grace’s voice broke at the sound of her daughter’s pain. “What do you need? What can I do?”
Alex said nothing, and just continued to cry into the phone.
“Are you ever going to tell me what happened?” Meredith demanded as Alex stuffed clothes haphazardly into her suitcase. “What did Olivia say? Why are you running away instead of staying here to claim your prize?”
“There is no prize in this game, Meredith,” Alex muttered as she looked through her closet for the shoes she wanted. “Nobody wins.”
“What?” Meredith said, her voice rising in pitch in her frustration. “What are you talking about? We told you how to win! All you had to do was tell Olivia all those things Lucas said to you. About how much he loved and wanted you and how he was going to cut Olivia loose, and that would be enough. Olivia would let him go!”
“At what price, though?” Alex said sharply, turning to face her best friend. “Sure, Olivia would let Lucas go, but does it automatically follow that Lucas would come running back to me?”
“Sealey said he would!” Meredith insisted. “Kacey asked him when he randomly showed up here the other day!”
“Oh, what does Sealey know?” Alex said through clenched teeth. She didn’t want to talk about Sealey. She hadn’t seen him for days. Not since she had told him about her decision to leave Olivia and Lucas alone. Alex was worried about him. She knew how much he had been counting on her to take Lucas out of the picture so he could finally tell Olivia how he felt about her without hurting his best friend in the process.
“What does Sealey know?” Meredith screeched with incredulity. “Everything, Alex! That’s the whole point! That’s how this whole mess started! He knows everything! What did you do?”
“Nothing!” Alex shouted back. “I did nothing, okay? I saw Lucas and Olivia on campus, when they didn’t know I was watching. They were glowing, Meredith. They’re so happy together. I won’t ruin that. I care too much about Lucas to do that to him, and though I don’t know Olivia well, I know she doesn’t deserve it either. I won’t do it!” She sank to the edge of bed and bit her lip fiercely, looking away.
Meredith stared at her, her eyes shocked. Without another word, she rose to her feet and enfolded Alex in her arms. “I’m so sorry,” was all she said.
Alex took an unsteady breath. She had spent too much time crying about this already. “I’ll survive,” she said, trying to force some toughness into her voice. “To be perfectly honest, I’m more worried about Sealey than I am about myself.”
“Sealey?” Meredith said, backing away and giving Alex a perplexed look. “Why should you be worried about Sealey?”
“Well . . . ,” Alex said, folding her legs up to her chin as she faced Meredith. “I never told anyone this, because I thought Sealey would kill me if I did, but the whole reason he agreed to help me was because of Olivia.”
“What about Olivia?” Meredith pushed. “What does Olivia have to do with Sealey?”
“He’s in love with her,” Alex revealed with a hopeless look. “He has been for years. But he didn’t want to alienate Lucas by making an obvious play for her. He was hoping that if Lucas could fall for me, then that would leave Olivia free for him.”
“Wow . . . ,” Meredith said quietly. “What a tangled web.”
“Tell me about it,” Alex sighed. “Unfortunately, this particular spider wasn’t expecting me to drop the ball like I did. I’m pretty sure he’s crushed. I haven’t seen him since I told him that I wasn’t going to split up Lucas and Olivia. He just disappeared. It’s been weird, actually. I’m so used to him checking in with me all the time.”
“That’s heartbreaking,” Meredith said, putting a hand to her chest. “Who would’ve thought that beneath that rough, sarcastic exterior, there was a real romantic? Seriously, he’s loved her for years?”
“That’s what he said,” Alex replied. “Well, not in those words exactly, but Sealey’s not one to say things like ‘I love.’ . . . I don’t know, I just need to get away from all of this. I feel so depressed about Lucas and so guilty about Sealey that I just need to be around people who don’t know anything about it. Who love me despite the fact that I’ve managed to make two people miserable, myself being one of them.”
“But you’ve allowed two people to be blissfully happy too,” Meredith pointed out. “That’s got to count for something.”
“Maybe.” Alex smiled weakly. “But, right now, all I can see is the look on Sealey’s face as he walked away from me.”
ON THE LONG drive to Malibu, California, Alex allowed her thoughts to wander freely. Admittedly, she spent some time thinking wistfully of the heavenly hours she’d spent with Lucas, but she spent even more time thinking of ways she could make everything up to Sealey. Maybe now was the time to introduce the idea of setting him up with Kacey, like Meredith had suggested all those months ago. They were so similar. But something in that thought was distasteful to Alex. Sealey was in love with Olivia. Olivia and Kacey were about as similar as a dove and a rampaging bull. If Olivia was the kind of girl Sealey fell for, then Kacey would be absolutely repellent to him.
Besides, the thought of telling Sealey to go out with another girl made Alex squirm with discomfort. What right did she have to try to fix him? She’d broken him. The last thing he’d want to do is follow her advice.
Alex ached inside as she thought of Sealey, but she wasn’t unreasonable about it. It didn’t occur to her to regret her decision and she suspected that Sealey wouldn’t resent her for making it, decent guy that he was. But that didn’t change the fact that his hopes were now as dead as hers. And she’d caused the entire mess. She’d hurt someone she cared about.
And there it was. The realization that she cared for Sealey, despite all the blunt criticism he’d given her, was a bit of a revelation. He was her friend. She wanted him to be happy. He’d helped her when no one else could, and despite the fact that she’d lost Lucas, it was thanks to Sealey that she’d had any time with Lucas at all. She should be grateful to him. She was. The thought made the disappointment she’d caused him that much more reprehensible.
Alex pressed her foot harder on the accelerator. She needed her mom. She needed to be surrounded by people who didn’t know what an idiot she’d been. She needed a few days of forgetting all that she’d lost—time where she didn’t have to think about all she owed to the man who would likely never speak to her again.
“Al!”
“Mom, Al’s here!”
Alex smiled with rusty face muscles as she pulled her suitcase out of the car. The voices of her younger siblings were m
usic to her ears.
Abby ran up and grabbed her around the waist. “I’m so glad you’re here!” the nine-year-old cried. “Austin kept saying you’d probably change your mind again and not come!”
“Why would I do that?” Alex said as she wrapped her arms around her younger sister. She smiled wider as her seventeen-year-old brother jumped the three porch steps and headed in her direction.
“Oh my gosh, you’re huge,” she said as he squeezed her, Abby squished between them. “How tall are you now?”
“Six five,” he said with pride. “An inch taller than Aaron. He hates it.”
“How’s Aaron doing, anyway?” Alex asked as she headed toward the house, Abby’s hand in hers. Austin grabbed her suitcase and tucked it under his arm. “I haven’t seen him since his wedding last year, and I’ve been horrible at keeping in touch. Are he and Emily coming?”
“Nah, they couldn’t afford to make the trip from Florida,” Austin said, opening the door for her. “That’s what happens when you get married fresh off your mission to a girl straight out of high school.” He smirked.
“Well, they seem happy enough,” Alex said, smacking him on the shoulder.
“Oh, they are,” Austin agreed. “So much so that it makes you want to puke, just being in the same room with them. Trust me, I would know. I visited them this past summer.”
Alex laughed, relishing the feeling of it. She’d taken a week-long break from such things.
“Mom and Dad offered to fly them out for the holidays, but Aaron said no,” Austin continued. “I think he’s determined to show everyone that he and Emily can stand on their own feet. He’s still smarting from all the ‘you’re too young to get married’ comments they got.”
“Good for them, wanting to be self-sufficient,” Alex said, looking around the familiar living room. “It’s a good quality.”
“Al!” Grace Foamer’s voice came from the doorway to the kitchen as she wiped her hands on a towel. “Oh, honey, it’s so good to see you!” She swept forward and enveloped Alex in her arms. Encircled in warmth and love, Alex felt like she could finally breathe again.
Catching Lucas Riley Page 18
