Geeks, Girls, and Secret Identities

by Mike Jung

  “Uh … how are you?”

  “I’m fine, thanks for asking,” Bobby said. “You like sausage and mushroom, right?”

  I blinked. “Right!”

  I thought detectives wore regular clothes—they always do on TV—but Bobby always wore a standard cop uniform. The dark blue uniform, combined with his dark skin, created some high contrast with our blinding white living room. It was like an optical illusion.

  “I hear you’re a big fan of Captain Stupendous,” Bobby said as we sat down at the table. He loaded up a plate with three slices and handed it to me. Dad always gives me one slice at a time.

  “The biggest,” I said. I bit the point off my first slice, stretching the cheese out a foot from my face. “Idd oo reary …” I sucked in some air to cool down the pizza. “Did you really meet Hummingbird when you were working in Gigawatt City?”

  “I really did,” Bobby said. He bit the point off his own slice, while Mom blew on her slice to cool it down first. She was smiling, looking back and forth between me and Bobby.

  “What’s she like?” I was really curious—it tripped me out that somebody like her, with no superpowers, could still be a superhero.

  “She’s, well, she’s very businesslike.” Bobby laughed. “I guess you have to be, in that line of work. But she has the highest integrity, and treats people with a lot of respect, which is something I respect. Don’t be too impressed, though—mostly I communicated with the Hummingbird Network.”

  REALLY! Now that was the kind of stuff I liked hearing about!

  “No kidding?” I said.

  “No kidding,” Bobby said, with a smile. “I’ve always thought municipal police departments should have stronger collaborative relationships with civilian groups like the Hummingbird Network—you’d be surprised by how much valuable information they can dig up.”

  “That’s so cool.”

  “Thanks,” Bobby said. “I think it’s cool that you’re such a big fan of Captain Stupendous.”

  “Huh,” I said. “Really?” Some adults don’t think it’s cool at all—Mr. Castle, for example. Or my dad. Or any teacher I’ve ever had. Or any adult I’ve ever met in my life except for Bobby.

  “Captain Stupendous has provided the highest level of law enforcement the world has ever seen,” Bobby said. “He does the right thing. Why shouldn’t you admire a man like that?”

  “You’re not worried about him?” I said. “I mean, after he ran away from that fight and everything …”

  “I’m concerned, yes,” Bobby said. “And I’d like to know more about the situation. But I have faith in Captain Stupendous. He’ll be back.”

  Bobby was awesome! We spent the rest of dinner talking about the Stupendous situation, Professor Mayhem, and other stuff Bobby’d done in Gigawatt City, like setting up a local office for the Federal Department of Villain Containment Services. When it was time for Bobby to leave I was actually sorry to see him go, and you know something is different when I can say that about anyone I know through my mom.

  “I’m always happy to talk more about Hummingbird and Captain Stupendous, Vincent. I won’t always be available to talk right away, but you can call me, okay?” Bobby said as we walked back into the living room. He pulled a card out of his pocket and handed it to me.

  “Bobby, that’s very sweet, but do you really think it’s a good idea?” Mom said.

  “It’s fine, Violet,” Bobby said. “Someone did the same for me when I was a kid, I never forgot it.”

  “Uh, okay,” I said. “Thanks.” I looked at the card, then stuffed it in my pocket.

  Bobby smiled at my mom, and I looked over my shoulder at her too. She was smiling at Bobby in that way where she crinkles up one corner of her mouth, which usually means she thinks something’s funny, but in a good way. I guess it was because Officer Bobby and I were bonding.

  “I should go,” Bobby said. “Good to see you, Vincent.”

  “Good to see you,” I said, and it was weird to actually mean it. Cool, but weird.

  “Thanks, Vincent,” Mom said. This time she smiled just at me.

  “Sure,” I said, not feeling any big urge to watch them hug or, blech, maybe even kiss. Mom and Bobby headed for the front of the house, talking about “citywide protective measures,” which was cool because citywide protective measures always mean no school.

  “Is school closed again tomorrow?” I said, half shouting as I walked back through the kitchen.

  “Yes,” Mom shouted from two rooms away. “And please stop shouting!”

  I went back out to headquarters and wondered if I should clean up or something—an unprecedented thing was about to happen, after all. A girl was coming over.

  “Check it out, Mom’s boyfriend gave me his business card,” I said the next day when George and Max arrived. “Pretty cool, huh?”

  “My mom’s boyfriends do that sometimes, but they’re all, like, organic farmers or union leaders and stuff like that,” George said. “Like I’m ever gonna call anyone that boring.”

  “I’d totally call Bobby! We talked about Hummingbird and Captain Stupendous all night, it was awesome.”

  “Sweet,” Max said. “You’re lucky, Vincent. You have a dad who’s not a loser AND a mom with a cool boyfriend. It must be fun.”

  “Well,” George said, “it also sounds like not as much fun as hanging out with Captain Stupendous, even if he is a girl.”

  “Speaking of girls, girls are not into die-cast metal figurines, guys,” Max said. “Or role-playing games or science fiction. We gotta hide all this stuff.”

  George and I grabbed him as he started digging around on one of the shelves, sweeping stuff into his arms.

  “Cut it out, Max,” I said.

  “Our stuff is awesome!” George said. “I don’t even know what you’re worried about!”

  “Vincent, your girlfriend is coming over,” Max said.

  “She’s not my girlfriend!”

  “You sooooo want her to be your girlfriend,” Max said.

  “It’s true, Vincent,” George said, nodding his head.

  “Will you guys get your heads in the game?” The lack of focus is incredible, right? “Professor Mayhem? Polly? Right?”

  “That’s why you have to make the most of this chance,” Max said. “For all you know, this might be the last time a girl ever comes over here.”

  “Since when are you such a big expert about girls?” I said.

  “Since I made out with Jessica Shoop last year, that’s since when.”

  “Noooooo,” George said. “ONE kiss from Jessica Shoop doesn’t make anybody an expert.”

  “She probably kissed you on the cheek or something, right?” I was totally jealous of Max, but no way was I gonna admit it.

  “I’m so jealous.” I swear, George has no pride.

  “Total make-out session.” Max was very calm, which was annoying because it made it sound like he wasn’t lying.

  “Look at you, you haven’t even taken a shower,” I said. “You look like a squirrel made a nest on your head. Why would anybody make out with you?”

  “Because I’m irresistible, dude,” Max said.

  “Could have fooled me,” Polly said.

  Everyone jumped—it was like a spastic synchronized swimming move. Polly stood in the doorway, which we had left open to let in some fresh air.

  She wore a baseball cap, big mirrored sunglasses, a bandanna around her neck, and another concert T-shirt—Kamikaze Fighter Pilot, whoever they were. Her hair was in a ponytail.

  “What’s Kamikaze Fighter Pilot?” George said.

  “A band.”

  “Cool name,” Max said, polishing his fingernails on his shirt.

  Polly looked around the room—the bunk beds, the computers, the dusty barbells in the corner, the forty thousand science fiction novels on the shelves, the superhero posters on every wall, and the shelves full of Captain Stupendous action figures.

  Our headquarters is so cool! Max was nuts.
/>   “Have a seat,” I said.

  “Okay,” Polly said. She came and sat down at the table, which would have been fine if she hadn’t taken the chair I was about to sit in. George and Max slid into the other two chairs really fast, so I had to stand there like an idiot. I went into the closet, dug out an old folding chair, and squeezed it in between Polly and Max.

  “Dude, what are you doing?” Max said.

  “How about you guys give me a little more room?” Polly said, holding her elbows tight against her sides.

  “Sorry.” After a bunch of scooting around and kicking each other’s chairs, we settled down. The folding chair creaked as I sat in it.

  “So I’ve been thinking,” Polly said. “I was talking to my friend Lily last night—”

  “You didn’t tell her about you being Captain Stupendous, did you?” I said, suddenly worried.

  “Yeah, you have to protect people from knowing too much,” Max said.

  “NO, I didn’t tell her. How brain-damaged do you think I am? I was just asking her what she thinks about Captain Stupendous.”

  “Is she one of the Stupendites?” George perked up.

  “George has a thing for the Stupendites.” Max pointed at George with his thumb.

  “Oh dude, you totally have a thing for Lucy Sakai!” George swatted Max’s thumb away.

  “It’s totally cool that you like the Stupendites, George,” Max said.

  “Lily’s not a Stupendite, she’s just someone I know from—she’s just someone I know.”

  “Someone you know from where?” George said.

  Polly sighed.

  “From the Captain Stupendous Rescued Teen Support Group, okay?”

  “The what?” Max said. “Do you know about this group, Vincent?”

  “Yeah, it’s like a … well, a support group. For people who’ve been rescued by Stupendous and … um …”

  How do you say “people who’ve been rescued by Stupendous and are freaking out over nearly dying” without getting punched in the face? Because, seriously, Polly looked ready to punch me in the face.

  “… and just need to talk about it with other people with the same deal.” I felt like an idiot saying that, but Polly seemed to relax, so I guess it worked.

  “Yeah, what’s her name, Ms. Dryden, at school put me in touch with them. Most of the people in the group are lame, but Lily’s cool, so I asked her what she’d think if there was no more Captain Stupendous.”

  She said everything would suck, right? I thought.

  “She said that would really suck, because she was … I don’t know, grateful or whatever that he saved her life.”

  “Well, duh,” George said. “I mean, YOU’RE grateful, right?”

  “Yeah, I just … I don’t know.” Polly frowned, which didn’t make her look even a little bit grateful.

  “You don’t know what?” Max said.

  “I don’t know what to do!” Polly threw her arms into the air. She managed to NOT smack me upside the head, but it was close.

  “It’s obvious, isn’t it?” George said. “Be Captain Stupendous.”

  “Stop Professor Mayhem’s plan, whatever it is,” Max said.

  Don’t take away the best thing about my life, I almost said.

  “I don’t owe you guys anything, you know!” Polly was practically yelling, which made me a little twitchy since I didn’t have any experience with angry girls who know karate.

  “I didn’t say you owe us anything,” George said. “Nobody owes anybody anything.”

  “The cops would probably be psyched to get a little help, though,” Max said. “People in this town aren’t used to dealing with stuff with no Captain Stupendous.”

  “IF I DO THIS, IT’S ONLY BECAUSE I WANT TO!”

  Polly actually yelled that time. George leaned away from her, and Max’s eyes were open so wide that his eyebrows were almost on top of his head.

  “Okay, you’re, like, a really freaky chick,” George said, still leaning as far away from Polly as he could.

  Holy cow, Captain Stupendous’s alter ego was terminally pissed off. It was tough to see that as a good thing.

  “Why are you so mad?” Max said.

  “I’M NOT MAD.” Polly crossed her arms in a really hard, violent-looking way.

  “Oooookay …”

  “I don’t get something,” I said.

  “Which thing are we talking about this time?” George said.

  “Oh, HAR DE HAR HAR—excuse me, but I’m talking to Polly. If you’re so mad about being Captain Stupendous, why’d you go fight Professor Mayhem the other day?”

  Polly shrugged and ran both hands through her hair.

  “Because … it’s gonna sound stupid….”

  “Because of Mr. Zazueta,” I said in a quiet voice.

  “Because he got it, right?” Max said.

  “Because he was your friend,” George said.

  Polly looked at us one at a time—Max, George, and finally me. Then she blinked a few times, really fast, and rubbed her eyes hard with the back of her hand.

  “Yeah,” she said. “I didn’t want to be a total loser and not even try.”

  “So …” I said after a minute. “Do you want to?”

  Polly took a deep breath and blew it out.

  “I don’t know.”

  “Is that a yes?” Max said.

  “I guess.”

  Aaaaaaaaahhhhhh. Sweet relief—Captain Stupendous would fly another day. I was so relieved I put my hand up for a high five. Polly stared at it for a second and smirked a little, but she eventually smacked her palm against mine.

  “Where do we start?”

  “We start with video,” I said, opening up my laptop.

  We reviewed Captain Stupendous’s greatest hits, including Cyclotron AND Cloudsplitter. A sound engineer recorded Cloudsplitter fighting Stupendous in the Financial District, and Cloudsplitter kept saying stuff like, “You are no match for me! After I’ve destroyed you I’ll kill the mayor and eat his children!” Then he’d hurl a lightning bolt at the Captain’s head. Hilarious!

  “Why do I have to turn into a man?” Polly said after an hour of Meteor Strikes, Double Helixes, Corkscrews, and Mole Attacks.

  “Who knows?” Max said.

  “Because Captain Stupendous is a man,” George said really slowly, like he was talking to a baby. “Duh. Ow!” Max punched him in the arm.

  “Watch the snark level, man. There’s a girl in the house.” Max smiled at Polly, and she rolled her eyes.

  “There are a lot of theories,” I said, secretly happy about the eye rolling.

  During the early Stupendous years there wasn’t much video, but there’ve always been pictures. Over time there were more pictures, and eventually tons of video, and in all of that stuff he looks the same—build, costume, hair color, and gender. Huge, blue and yellow, black, and male.

  “Some people think Stupendous is an alien with no secret identity at all,” I said.

  “There’s another theory that says he’s a vampire!” George said.

  “Not a regular vampire, but one who isn’t hurt by the sun, can’t be staked in the heart, doesn’t drink blood, and isn’t bothered by holy water,” I said.

  “In other words, not a vampire,” Max said. “Worst theory ever.”

  “Now that we know you’re Captain Stupendous, only one theory makes sense—you must be switching bodies,” I said. “Probably the Stupendous body is kept in some interdimensional holding tank.”

  “Like those ministorage places you see from the freeway,” George said. “Except in another dimension.”

  “When you make the change your regular body goes there and your mind goes into the Stupendous body,” I said.

  “Okay, but why can’t I stay a girl?” Polly said.

  “Who knows?” George said.

  “That’s crap.” Polly flopped back into her chair. “I like being a girl.”

  I secretly liked her better as a girl too.

  “
It’s not enough that my dad wishes I was a boy, now the entire universe is actually making me be one.”

  “My mom likes to say, ‘gender is a construct of society’ and stuff like that,” George said. “Sometimes I think she wants me to be a boy and a girl.”

  “Is your dad Asian?” I asked Polly. “Because that would explain it.”

  “Yeah, but he’s not, like, eating kimchi all day and stuff, he’s totally American—he just really wants a son. My mom’s not Asian, but I have the opposite problem with her.” Polly’s eyes were half-closed, and she let her head roll back on her neck until she was staring at the ceiling. “She wants a super girly girl. With lacy dresses and glittery makeup and all that garbage.”

  “Parents suck,” Max said.

  “And their weirdo friends too,” George said, with a nod.

  “Yeah. So … you guys know there’s no way I can fully learn all these moves in less than, like, six months, right?” Polly said.

  “You have to,” I said.

  “Why don’t you kung-fu fight the robot?” George said. He did a funky, circling motion with his hands and kicked one foot out to the side.

  “I tried to do some before the last fight,” Polly said. “But the ground is a big deal when you do karate. When I fly I can’t push off with my feet, plus everything with that stupid body is messed up—the arms and legs are too long.”

  “You should at least learn the most important moves,” I said.

  “Definitely the Meteor Strike,” Max said.

  “The Corkscrew too,” I said.

  “The Whirligig is really cool,” George said, pinwheeling his arms around his head.

  “OH, OH, you gotta learn the Tumbleweed,” Max said. “The Tumbleweed is aweso—”

  “AAAAGH!” Polly’s scream made us all jump, except for Max, who did his crazy flailing thing and whacked me in the ear.

  “Stop it!” Polly said, holding her head.

  “Okay, maybe not the Tumbleweed,” Max said. “Geez, calm down.”

  “Maybe we should get out and do some practicing for real,” I said. “You need flying practice, and we can’t do that in here.”

  “Good idea,” Polly said. “I’ve watched all the video I can stand. Some sparring would be good.”