Crazy Beautiful

by Penny Dee

  Warm tears played in the corner of my eyes. Being in his arms had once been my sanctuary. Now it only broke my heart. Why? Because I didn’t belong there anymore.

  “Tell me you still love me …” His voice broke.

  I pushed him away. Caught unaware his muscular arms released me and I stepped back from him, glaring at him through unshed tears. He looked like shit. No. He looked worse than that. He looked broken.

  “You did this to us,” I said barely controlling my quivering voice. “You broke us Heath.”

  “I know,” he replied like the wind had been knocked out of him. “But if you take me back Harlow I will spend the rest of our lives making it up to you.”

  “No.”

  His face crumpled. “Don’t do this.”

  I couldn’t take any more of this. I clinched my fists. Only a week ago I had contemplated moving my life from Georgia to California just to be with him. I had been prepared to face the wrath of my mother and the immense disappointment of my daddy. I must have been fucking insane.

  “Do what Heath? Do what?” I yelled. “You already did this to us!”

  I didn’t wait for his response. I turned and blindly ran back into the bar, not stopping until I reached the privacy of the staff bathroom where I slid down the wall and began to sob.

  Chapter Seventeen

  HEATH

  So this was hell. Standing there listening to my girl tell me that she could never forgive me for what I’d done to us.

  It was over. She would never be able to get over my mistake.

  If my heart hadn’t already broken into tiny pieces, it would have broken all over again.

  My chest was so tight I could barely breathe. Tears burned in my eyes as I watched her turn and run away from me. The last thing I saw was the swing of her long ponytail as she disappeared inside. I couldn’t breathe. This couldn’t be it. Dear God, this couldn’t be it.

  I climbed on my bike and tore away from the Pizza Palace. For a while I just rode. Streetlights rushed by in a blur. Before I realized it, I was out the front of Armie’s house. He had turned his garage into a studio and the light was on when I pulled up on the driveway. As I climbed off my bike the automatic door rolled up. Armie took one look at my face and nodded. He walked to the bar fridge, pulled out a beer and handed it to me. Kelsey (it was hard to keep up with if they were on or off) came over and hugged me.

  She was so sweet and kind to me, it made me feel even sorrier for myself.

  “I would ask if you’re okay, but your face pretty much tells me that you’re not,” she said. I slumped down on the black leather couch on the back wall and she joined me.

  Armie resumed the spot on the chair where he’d been sitting when I arrived. He picked up his guitar and absentmindedly strummed it.

  “You saw your girl?” He asked.

  I took a swill of beer and nodded. “She fucking hates me.”

  “That’ll pass,” Kelsey offered kindly.

  I picked at the label on the beer bottle. Fuck, now I wanted to cry like a little girl. “You think?”

  She nodded. “It’ll take time. She needs time to process it all and then work out what she needs to do next.”

  “What if that involves moving on without me?” I exhaled deeply, hating the thought.

  Armie stopped strumming. “Then maybe you need to think about moving on without her.”

  I felt Kelsey’s hand on my shoulder. “Armie’s right, you need to get out of your funk and start thinking about getting on with it.”

  It wasn’t exactly what I wanted to hear. But they were right. Maybe my future involved getting used to not having Harlow in my life. Maybe getting over her was the answer.

  “We’re about to head out on the road, dude. You need to get your head clear.” He started strumming again. “Get pissed. One night. Spill your guts and get it out of your system. Hell, cry on my shoulder if that’s what you need to do. But then put this all behind you and let’s hit the road without her ghost making you so miserable.”

  “Put Harlow behind me?”

  “I love Harlow. You know that. Dude, I think she’s the best thing that ever happened to you. But you need to be on your game when we get out there on road. We need you to be focused.” He smiled. “Some time away from each other is probably the best thing. Maybe when we get back, maybe the timing will be better for you both then?”

  Armie was right. I had to face the fact that Harlow was probably never going to get over what happened. Perhaps the only answer to ending my misery was to move forward. Focus on the band. The music. The upcoming tour. We would be gone for six weeks. Maybe it would be enough time for Harlow to calm down. To see that I’d made a colossal mistake. See how much I regretted it. And realize that I’d never jeopardize our relationship again.

  I sighed and put the empty beer bottle down on the table in front of me. “Got anything stronger?”

  Kelsey retrieved a half bottle of tequila from behind the makeshift bar and lined up three shot glasses in front of me.

  “You’ve got a birthday coming up soon, haven’t you?” she said.

  “Hey, its tomorrow, isn’t it?” Armie chimed in.

  I nodded. “Yep.”

  She handed us a shot glass each and the three of us clinked them. “Then Happy birthday to you, Heath.”

  “Here’s to moving forward,” Armie toasted.

  “To moving forward,” I agreed and threw back the shot.

  The tequila spread its warmth through my chest and I grimaced at the taste. Almost immediately the haze enveloped my brain and I smiled. Shots two, three, four and five quickly followed.

  Joined by Led Zeppelin, Metallica, Avenged Sevenfold and Armie’s favourite Ozzy Osbourne album, Blizzard of Oz, the mix of good music and alcohol lightened the pain in my chest.

  Two hours later and my eyes were heavy with alcohol and I was all talked out. Armie and Kelsey decided to turn in.

  Drunk, I settled into the couch and Kelsey grabbed me a blanket. I would never drink drive, so I decided to sleep off the tequila before riding home in the morning.

  When Kelsey turned out the light and closed the door behind them, I looked down at my phone. It was after midnight and my phone’s date showed August 3. It was the day I would move forward. Without Harlow. Because at the end of the day that was what we both needed me to do.

  I lay on my back and put my forearm over my eyes.

  “Happy fucking birthday to me,” I mumbled and promptly passed out.

  * * * * *

  HARLOW

  The rest of August passed in an empty haze. Once my anger subsided, sadness had set in and I felt as if a massive part of my life had been cut away.

  Since our confrontation outside The Palace I hadn’t seen or heard from Heath. The next day had been his birthday and it had been hard not to share it with him. I lost count of how many times I’d held my cell phone in my hand desperate to speak to him. I wanted to wish him a happy birthday. Yet at the same time, I couldn’t stand the thought of seeing him, even though I missed him. Because then I’d think about what he’d done and I’d hate him all over again. It was doing my head in and had turned me into a freakin’ psycho!

  Vengeance left town on their short tour with the Masters of Mayhem music festival. I told myself it was a good thing. It meant I wouldn’t have to worry about Heath turning up at work during my shift or running into him whenever I ventured out with Piper and Bridget.

  Not that I did much of that.

  Not that I did much of anything.

  As August became September I sank into a zombie-like depression and hated myself for it.

  Heath was gone. I had told him to go away and he had listened. Worse still, I had told him I could never love him again and he had believed me.

  Ugh! I was such a teenage brat. I needed to grow up. I needed to grow up fast.

  Heath was away on tour. Free as a bird. Probably in the arms of another woman. And where was I? Alone. Struggling with what had happened a
nd my decision to break up with him.

  But I knew I wouldn’t be able to get over what happened in Vegas. Trying to do so would be nothing but heartache for both of us. I would be suspicious of every girl he talked to and that wasn’t me. The best I could do would be to move on. But that was proving hard to do.

  Even though I knew we could never be together again as a couple I missed him. I missed my best friend. If we could just talk, if I could just tell him how much I wanted to be his friend again …

  Thankfully, Fat Tony had given me extra shifts at The Palace, which kept me distracted. And when Piper left to join the band on the East Coast leg of the tour, I took on her shifts as well.

  But I missed her when she was gone.

  In the weeks following the breakup she had been a bottomless source of comfort. She could always make me feel better. Now she was gone too and I was feeling sorry for myself.

  The tour looked to be successful. From what I could tell from Facebook and Instagram anyway. And Piper texted me daily. Not that she ever mentioned Heath. Not once. And at first that was cool. But now that my anger was gone and I found myself missing him, I was desperate for any news about him.

  Had he moved on? Was he with other girls? Was there anyone special or had he gone back to his old ways and started to nail a new girl in each city? Was he over me?

  I was driving myself insane.

  I had no right to know what was going on in his life. I knew that. After all, I had pushed him away with some pretty cold words. But for some reason my crazy heart still ached for him.

  Sitting at the bar just before my Saturday night shift was due to start, I scrolled through the Vengeance Instagram site and my heart sank. There was Heath smiling brightly into the camera, his arm draped around the shoulders of a beautiful girl who was crushing her body against his. Jealousy spread through me like a brush fire.

  It was irrational, I know. But seeing the picture made me feel sick and deflated.

  I dropped the phone on the bar and rubbed my face wearily.

  “Uh oh, what’s happened?” Leo asked, drying a margarita glass.

  I shook my head and murmured an unconvincing, “Nothing.”

  He nodded at my phone. “You’ve got a face like a trail of cat sick. What did you stumble across?”

  “Nothing new,” I mumbled.

  “Let me guess … you were cyber stalking your ex and found him in the arms of another girl?”

  My head shot up. “How did you…?”

  He held up his phone. “I saw it on Instagram too.”

  I sighed. “Good news travels fast.”

  He walked over to me, discarding his dishrag as he leaned his elbows on the bar in front of me. “She’s just a fan, H.”

  I shrugged. “It’s not my problem anymore.”

  “You sure about that? You’ve been miserable since the breakup. Even worse since he’s been gone. Why don’t you just admit it? You’re still in love with him.”

  I chewed the inside of my lip and finally found the end of my tether.

  “Fine. I’m still in love with him.”

  Leo smiled. “So why don’t you go tell him? Put an end to this once and for all?” He straightened. “Tell him you’re still madly in love with him and want to have lots of nasty musician sex and make beautiful babies with him.” He smiled cheekily but when my eyes fell to my cell phone, he looked serious again. “He’s the lead singer in a band, H. Girls are always going to throw themselves at him. But it doesn’t mean he’s interested in any of them.”

  I knew that.

  “I know that.”

  “Then what’s the problem, Patootie? Last I saw him, that guy was so beat up about you he couldn’t walk straight. Why are you making this so difficult on both of you? Wanna know what I think?”

  “You’re going to tell me anyway.”

  He ignored my sarcasm. “I think you should go and find him. Tell him you still love him. He’s never going to risk losing you again. Which kind of makes him the safest guy in the world to date, in my opinion. He’s done it once and it’s destroyed him. He won’t do it again.”

  I hated how I felt. Torn in two. Miserable. Unsure. But it was easier to stay stuck in my misery than risk further heartache.

  “Like I said, it’s not my problem.”

  Leo gave up on me and returned to his tray of glasses, leaving me with my hearty helping of self-pity.

  I was just about to torture myself by looking at Vengeance’s Facebook page when out of nowhere a cool pair of hands came from behind and covered my eyes.

  “Guess who?” a familiar voice whispered in my ear.

  I squealed. “Piper!”

  She let go and I swung around.

  “When did you get back?”

  Before she could answer a pair of strong arms lifted me up from behind and twirled me around.

  “Armie!”

  He squeezed me into a big bear hug and then set me down, kissing me on the cheek. Behind him were Jesse, Zack and Tommy who each greeted me with hugs and winks.

  I looked past them to the doorway, holding my breath as I waited for Heath to walk in.

  But he didn’t.

  “He’s not with us,” Piper whispered in my ear. “He and his brothers have gone for a drink with some friends. He said they might drop in later.”

  Despite my disappointment I smiled brightly. “Are you guys hanging around?”

  “Sure are.” Armie smacked his hands together and rubbed them together. “It’s beer o’clock.”

  Apparently they had arrived back a few hours earlier and had gone home to shower and sleep. Friends of theirs were performing at the Palace so they would be hanging out to watch their friends play and to down a few beers.

  Hearing this brought a much needed ray of sunshine to my mood and for the first time in weeks, I felt happy. I would get to hang out with my friends for the evening.

  There was no further mention of Heath and despite knowing he was with his brothers, my imagination surged into overdrive and automatically arrived at the conclusion that the friends they were with included the girl from the picture on Instagram. I closed my eyes against my paranoia and shook my head at my own patheticness.

  Thankfully it wasn’t long before we got super busy.

  The band started playing—an acoustic band—and they were good. They had quite a big following so a decent sized crowd showed up to watch them play which kept us busy. Leo and Tony were flat out in the kitchen, making up pizzas and garlic bread, while Coralee, Bridget and I were rushed off our feet delivering beers, drinks and pizza orders to the tables.

  But it didn’t matter how busy we got; all night my eyes kept straying in the direction of the doorway for any sign of Heath. Or if I grabbed an order from the kitchen, when I walked back out I would automatically scan the room for him.

  But he never showed and the end of my shift I was exhausted.

  Of course, the guys were the last to leave. They hung around until closing and even then it took Fat Tony throwing them out for them to leave.

  “We’re going to the Sugar Shack, want to come?” Piper asked.

  “I’m beat. I think I’ll just head home.” It was exhausting being a paranoid loser. “But we can catch up tomorrow, yeah?”

  “You should go, H.” Leo interrupted. “You need some time out.”

  “Oh yeah?” Piper looked at me suspiciously. “What’s up?”

  I shot Leo a warning look. Which of course, he ignored.

  “Our H girl has been burning the candle at both ends. I think she needs to be reminded of how to have some fun.” Leo said.

  “Is that true?” Piper looped her arm through mine. “Come on. Come out for one drink. I haven’t seen you in weeks.”

  Seeing her face, and not looking forward to spending the rest of my night alone with my imagination and paranoia, I nodded. “Sure. One drink. Why not.”

  Fortunately, I had a change of clothes in the staff bathroom and quickly slipped into a pair of jeans
and a cropped white t-shirt. We had to catch a couple of cabs to the Sugar Shack and by the time we arrived, it was almost midnight.

  In the cab I was dying to ask Piper about Heath, but wanted to wait until we were alone. I didn’t want the guys to think I was still hung up on him. No one mentioned him. Or our breakup. And I felt more at ease to think they were none the wiser.

  The Sugar Shack was a club in town. It was busy with the Saturday night crowd and when we entered an acoustic Nirvana song was playing. We were lucky to find a table towards the far side of the club.

  “Drink?” Jesse asked Piper and me and then disappeared into the crowd.

  “So, did you miss me?” Armie asked, sliding up next to me and flashing me his cheeky grin. He was wearing his glasses, which made him look like Science Geek meets Hell Boy.

  I put my arm around him. “I always miss you when you’re not around, Armie.”

  “Of course you do. I always said you were a very … very smart girl.” He was slurring a little bit. But he was so endearing. I adored him. He just loved to have a good time. Knowing he and the rest of the band were back in town helped fill the big fat hole in my chest. It helped. But did not completely fill it.

  He rested his head on my shoulder.

  Jesse returned with the drinks, but he came back to the table with an odd look on his face. I noticed it pass between Piper and him and straight away felt unsettled. I didn’t say anything. But I knew what it was about. It was Heath. And he was here.

  “Shots!” Zack announced arriving at the table with a tray of shot glasses. Seeing another silent conversation pass between Piper and Jesse, I decided to go and see for myself. Armie handed me a shot and I threw it back for good luck before heading into the crowd.

  It didn’t take me long to find him.

  He was at the bar.

  And he was with a girl.

  Of course she was barely dressed and she was all over him. Granted, he wasn’t touching her. They were talking and he was smiling and God, those dimples. I had to suck in a deep breath. Seeing him, finally after six weeks, it made me weak. But seeing him with her summoned the return of my anger.

  As if sensing my presence, he scanned the room until his eyes zeroed in on mine and for one crazy moment we were locked together in our little world, just staring at one another.